HOW TO ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE
So you've finally had it. Thanks to the hordes of line-breakers, bad drivers,
party crashers, and heart smashers, vengeance has now become your modus operandus.
But hold on there, cowboy, and put the C-4 down. Before you head off to the top
of the bell tower with a high-powered rifle and a fanny pack o' ammo, think for
a moment--why give the world the satisfaction of pulling you down in a proverbial
"blaze of glory", when you can live as a thorn in everyone's side for years to
come? Subtlety is key. Steady annoyance, the goal. Vengeance is yours.
There are countless ways to Annoy the Hell Out of Everyone (tm). But it all
starts with image. What face do you wish them to see grinning when they
are livid and shaking? Opportunities are everywhere. For example,
if you are young enough, you could be a Trendy Alternateen. Pay too much money
buying clothes that have that genuine "thrift store look". Listen to all the mainstream
"alternative" bands (T.A.: "Gosh, that band they keep playing on MTV sure is different
from, well, the bands they keep playing on MTV"), but deny liking them due to them "selling out".
Publicly denounce "the Man" and talk with your friends about how none of you are like "Them"--while hanging
out at the mall. Many subgroups follow, such as Trendy Ravers, with their substandard drugs, bad haircuts,
and tight clothing; Trendy Punks, who wear leather jackets with obscenities scrawled on the back in White-Out,
but have to be in before 10:00pm; Trendy Neo-hippies, who follow the fashion trends of the 60's
without bothering themselves with the ideologies, who can quote Dead lyrics but have never
protested anything except the sad quality of their marijuana; and Trendy Goths,
who wear black clothes and pentagrams and bad makeup as if it were a game (T.G.: "Ohmigosh, where DID you get
that oh-so-Goth spider necklace"), with timely pauses to consider the "angst of it all" and pity themselves
that others "just don't get it".
Then there's my favorite. The Sensitive Poet. Wear turtlenecks. Hang out at
coffeehouses (making sure to claim that you hung out there before they were in), drinking enough
coffee to sterilize yourself. Make sure you're reading something like "On the Road" or "A Clockwork Orange", holding the cover
out so everyone will know how cool and literate you are. Look down your nose at everyone and everything around you,
but express concern for little-known causes overseas ("I just can't believe those poor Lithuanians
don't have a Starbucks"). Smoke cloves, even if you don't know what "cloves" are.
And the most important part of being a Sensitive Poet: write Sensitive Poetry.
Write several pages describing the coffee stain on your turtleneck and when
someone asks you to see it, withdraw with a superior look on your face and tell
them that they "wouldn't understand it". Then read it out loud in public, and when
someone asks you what the hell you were talking about, act indignant and say it
was a metaphor describing mortification at the subjugation of women. Then cry.
Believe me, this is a no-fail way to Annoy the Hell Out of Everyone (tm).
And if it doesn't work, you know where the fanny pack is.
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