STOP SENDING ME PORN

I've just about bloody had it.

I have an email account. Several, actually. When I procured these, I had visions of corresponding with people from all over the world, people I wouldn't normally be able to have contact with and yet can pitch and duck ideas with thanks to the marvels of a phone line and this glowing little techno-thingie.

Not for keeping in touch with every halfwit hawking naked breasts.

"Yeah, yeah", they say, "spare me the preaching. We know you and everyone else sit in the computer labs and the second you think no one's looking click on the hyperlinks that promise hordes of willing young college co-eds with better imaginations and less inhibition than Ted Kennedy at a bachelor party." Well, yeah, but that's not my point.

My point is that I'm tired of being not only inundated with it but asked to pay for it. I'm tired of checking my email accounts and whooping with self- love upon seeing 11 or 13 messages waiting for me, only to find these patronizing ads that think they can get my credit card number by packing as many 'x's and 'hardcore's and the 'f' word (in every concievable conjugation) into a few lines, and giving me four numbers to call "in case the lines are busy".

I'd love to go into a rant here about sex and pornography in general, how it not only insults women but insults my intelligence by assuming I'll drop dime and trou on anything with frizzy blond hair and poorly-done press-on nails packed into a pair of high heels and nothing else, trying to tell me how 'sexy' it all is. How truly lame almost anything termed 'erotica' is. How the term 'fuck and suck' lends about as much class to a woman as back hair. But this is all a waste of time. Pornography, the "adult industry" (ironic considering it seems to be run by a bunch of children who wouldn't know how to be seductive if it bitch-slapped them and put them in a bodybag) really is simply a seller's market. There's no point in dissertating on it's strengths and weakness, its social ramifications, any sense of its subjective morality or lack thereof. Because sex is arguably the only thing we have as a true common ground. Yes, I think it reflects poorly on the human race that I could put a Scotch terrier in a cheerleader outfit and call it "the hottest adult pic on the Web" and a bunch of you morons would pay me $14.95 a month to download it. But porn caters itself to a need we all have, however poorly and inadequately, and it's not like I've never partook of it. So again, that's not my point.

Here's my point. ATTENTION PORN MANUFACTURERS: LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. IF AND WHEN I WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR POORLY AIRBRUSHED CRACK ADDICTS I WILL COME LOOKING FOR YOU. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME COME TO YOUR SITES BY TAKING UP MY HARD DRIVE WITH CLICHES, AND YOU CAN'T CREATE THE NEED IN ME YOU WANT ME TO PAY FOR BY IRRESPONSIBLY MARKETING TO ME A POOR PRODUCT.

I wish it were possible to take legal action, soak them for a bundle; not out of any sense of indignant morality but just to smack the face of these idiots who think I'm this lame and easily titillated.

Huh-uh-huh. I said 'titillated'.

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