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OJ Simpson Jokes
Q: What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Pee Wee Herman?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get OJ off!!!
Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They are both missing a glove.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?
A: "Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids."
Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson?
A: O.J. started out with millions.
Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did?
A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian!
Q. What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson?
A. Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it.
Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night?
A: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be
separated from a loved one.
Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson
in the same room?
A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.
Q: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long?
A: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car.
Q: Why did O.J. finally get out of the Bronco?
A: He saw Susan Smith and was afraid she was going to push him into the
pool.
Q: What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and O.J. Simpson?
A: O.J. only ate one of his victims.
Q: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?
A: They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones.
Q: Did you hear that Joey Buttafuoco went to visit O.J. in prison?
A: He told O.J. that he should have had his girlfriend do it.
Q: What did O.J. say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan?
A: Out the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard
...Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck.
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Bobbit?
A: O.J. can still get off.
Q: What do Shaquille O'Neal and O.J. Simpson have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time at court.
Here's my favorite of today's bunch broadcast on Comedy Central:
"If a former pro football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't
it have been Frank Gifford?"
Sarah Brady sent a letter to O.J.:
Dear O.J.,
I'm very disappointed in you. Why didn't you use a gun?
Heard (in a Carnac routine) on the Howard Stern show:
"In jail, on Fox, underground...Where do you find the Simpsons?"
Q: What do you get when you mix O.J. Simpson, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and
Tonya Harding?
A: Killer sex that will bring you to your knees!
Q: What would you have if O.J. was put in a cell with David Koresh and
Jeffrey Dahmer?
A: You'd have a complete breakfast: serial, toast, and O.J.
Q: What is the difference between O.J. and David Letterman?
A: There is absolutely nothing funny about David Letterman.
Greatest marketing idea of the century:
His & Hers knives endorsed by O.J. Simpson and Lorena Bobbit.
O.J., where are going with that knife in your hand?
I said O.J., where are you going with that knife in your hand?
I'm gonna cut my ole lady up, I caught her messin' round with another
man.
I'm gonna cut my ole lady up, you know I caught her messin' round with
another man.
O.J., I heard you cut your old lady up.
I said O.J., I heard you cut your old lady up.
Yes I cut her, I caught her messin', messin' round town.
Yes I cut her, y'know I caught her messing round town.
AND I GIVE HER THE KNIFE!!!!!
[Guitar solo]
O.J., where are you gonna run to now?
I said O.J., where are you gonna run to now?
I'm going up north, way up north, Chicago way.
I'm goin' up north, way up north, Chicago way.
[Guitar solo and fade out.]
Q: Did you hear that F. Lee Bailey was mad at Shapiro?
A: He even told one reporter, "I'm going to sue that SOB for everything
O.J. has!"
When Marcia Clark asked Kato Kaelin where he had been between 9 and 11,
Kato replied, "third grade."
Q: What's the only thing worse than being married to Lorena Bobbit?
A: Being divorced from O.J. Simpson!
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve?
A: O.J.'s going to walk.
A: Reeve has feelings from the neck up.
A: Reeve can still hold his head up.
A: O.J. can still "get off."
A: O.J. hit the ground running.
Q: What do O.J. and Reeve have in common?
A: Both left blood on the bronco.
A: Neither can ride a white bronco without taking a fall!
There's good news and bad news today...
The bad news is that it has been reported that the Simpson jury is
going to acquit O.J.
The good news is that Susan Smith is going to drive him home.
Q: What do Marsha Clark and Susan Smith have in common?
A: It looks as if neither one of them is going to get the Juice.
Q: Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. play golf together?
A: Because Heidi Fleiss is a hooker and O.J. is a slicer.
Miscellaneous Jokes
Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject:
Good prison names for O.J.
Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote.
Q. What does O.J. stand for?
A: Obdurate Jerk Objective Jury? Obligatory Jokes
Obsessively Jealous Obstinate Jealousy Obstreperous Journey
Odorous Journalism Often Joked Oh, Jailer!
Open Jugular Orange Jumpsuit Out Joyriding
Outlaw Jock Outlook: Jail Outta Job
Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.
2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career.
3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but
never beating the pulp out of her.
4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but
everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.
5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows
that O.J. could never cut to the left.
Q: Have you heard about the new children's game?
A: It's called "Where's O.J.?"
Q: What is O.J.'s favorite song?
A: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses.
'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin
'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden
'911 It's a Joke' by Public Enemy
'I Can't Drive 55' by Sammy Hagar
'The First Cut is the Deepest' by Rod Stewart
'Love Hurts' by Nazareth
'If You Want To Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life
(Never Make A Pretty Woman Your Wife)' by Jimmy Soul
'Cuts Like a Knife' by Bryan Adams
'Hurts So Good' by John Cougar Mellencamp
'Cuts Both Ways' by Gloria Estefan
'Love Kills' by Vinny Vincent Invasion
(sung by Slaughter, how appropriate! :)
'Love is a Killer' by Vixen
Q: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group?
A: Slayer
Drivin'-N-Cryin'
Suicidal Tendencies
Public Enemy
There once was a fellow named Simpson,
Who ran away covered in crimson.
After carving his wife,
With a "substantial knife,"
Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son."
Q: What are the three worst words to hear from O.J. Simpson?
A: I love you.
Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special?
A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab
it with a knife, then you get the runs.
Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi. Apparently he was seen
waiting to be seated at a local Denny's restaurant.
Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?
A: They are two things that can give O.J. gas.
Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating O.J. Simpson's
ex-wife?
A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a paralyzed miner and O.J. Simpson?
A: One's a numb digger...
Q: Why did O.J. stab his wife?
A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it.
It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely to take a
victory lap around the city afterword.
Q: What's the last thing O.J. said to Nicole Simpson?
A: Your waiter will be with you shortly...
Q: Knock Knock.
B: Who's there?
A: O.J.
B: O.J. Who?
A: You have just qualified to be a member of the jury!
Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man?
There once was a sports legend named O.J.,
Whose old lady told him to go away.
He slashed up his wife,
With a fifteen-inch knife,
And then led a parade on the freeway!
Q: Why did O.J. change his long distance server from AT&T?
A: Because he knew he had to Sprint!
Q: What are two things that O.J. has that every man wants?
A: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.
Q: What did Ron say to Nicole when they got to heaven?
A: "Here's your damn glasses! Thanks a lot!"
Q: What does O.J. have in common with the statue of Venus DiMilo?
A: Neither is considered armed any more.
As a long-time UCLA fan, it's obvious to me what O.J.'s lawyers will use
as a defense:
"Members of the jury, what can you expect? He went to USC!"
Q: What do O.J. and Tampax have in common?
A: They both come in white boxes and leave a bloody mess.
After looking all over LA, they finally found 12 people who have never
seen O.J. Simpson, never heard of O.J. Simpson, and have no idea who
O.J. Simpson is or was. They're all professors at USC.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It didn't want to get run over by a White Bronco.
Q: Why did Ron Goldman dump Nicole Simpson?
A: Because she couldn't swallow.
Q: What were Ron Goldman's last words?
A: "Say, aren't you O.J. Simpson?"
Q: What do a basketball court and a judicial court have in common?
A: The white folk sit on the bench.
Q: Why did O.J. go to Nicole's house before he went to the airport?
A: It was his last chance to split her uprights!
O.J. is U.S.C. - Up Shit Creek...
Q: What are O.J.'s favorite movies?
A: "Death Becomes Her"
"The Terminator"
"Heaven Can Wait"
"Blade Runner"
From the Tonight show a few days ago:
"O.J. went into the hospital for a biospy. When the doctor pulled
out his scalpel O.J. said, "You call that a knife?!"
Q: What's harder than squeezing blood from a turnip?
A: Squeezing O.J. from a Bronco.
THE BALLAD OF O.J. SIMPSON
tune: "The Ballad of Lizzie Borden" (Chad Mitchell Trio, 1961)
Yesterday out in Los Angeles, Nicole and Ronald died.
And they busted O.J. Simpson on a charge of homicide.
Well, he might not have done it but the media think he did,
And Michael Jackson's volunteered to take care of the kids.
'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California,
Contrary to all popular belief.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
You know it's gonna cause a lot of grief.
Well, he might have used a razor 'cause the airline lost his gun,
But he didn't use a hatchet 'cause THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE!
Now poor O.J.'s in the jailhouse, and they're looking for the knife.
For just ten million dollars, he might get off with life.
'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California,
And then blame all the damage on the heat.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
With evidence upon the Bronco seat.
You can sell a ton of crack and the cops will turn their back.
You can rape and burn and loot; they don't want another suit.
You can peddle phony stock like they do in Little Rock,
But you can't turn your ex into a Pez dispenser.
California is a far cry from DC.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
And then go out and drive around the town.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
It's almost sure to make the jury frown.
[knuckles on guitar body: KNOCK! KNOCK!]
The jury selection in the O.J. trial has begun. Rumor has it that
potential jurors who weren't selected are being issued T-Shirts
that say "O.J. Jury Reject - Didn't Make the Cut."
Q: Why didn't Nicole Simpson go out drinking with her friends after dinner?
A: She wanted to go home and get ripped.
Here is an action joke about O.J.
Imagine someone walking around with his hands together behind his
back wiggling his fingers.
That person then askes: "What is this?"
Answer: "O.J. Simpson signing autographs."
Q. What did Nicole say to Ron on the phone when she called the restaurant?
A. "It wouldn't kill you to bring over my glasses."
Q: Why didn't Nicole's other boyfriends go down on her?
A: Because they knew the Juice would kill them.
Q: What was the last thing Nicole said to O.J.?
A: Yeah, I'm screwing the waiter! What are you going to do about it?
Q: Did you here about the new Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor?
A: It's called White Bronco: Vanilla with two chocolate-covered nuts
inside.
Al Cowlings: O.J., my man! Haven't seen you in a while. How's Nicole?
O.J.: I think she's dead.
A.C.: What do you mean you think she's dead?
O.J.: I dunno. The sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up
in the sink.
Q: Why did O.J. make that now-famous run in the Bronco?
A: He figured it would be a long time before he would be able to take an
exciting ride inside anything white again.
Robert Shapiro has come up with a new defense for O.J. He's following
Lorena Bobbit's example and will say that O.J. was not trying to slit
his wife's throat, but rather was trying to cut off Goldman's dick.
Q: What does BRONCO stand for?
A: Black Repeat Offender Needs Car Operator.
From Jay Leno's monologue:
Did you hear O.J. has his own Christmas wish list? He asked Santa for
a brand new set of DNA.
Q: What did Santa Claus bring O.J. for Christmas?
A: New gloves, a ski mask, a new hunting knife and a bottle of stain
remover.
Q: Did you hear O.J. is coming out with a new movie?
A: It's called, "It WAS a Wonderful Life."
Another Jay Leno joke:
"Man that Johnnie Cochran is a smooth talking lawyer...
Even O.J. thinks he's innocent!"
We heard that after watching the Super Bowl, O.J. commented it was the
second worst massacre he'd ever seen...
Yet another Jay Leno joke:
Q: Did you here O.J. is merchandizing to help pay for his defense?
A: There's a problem with the watches, though. There seems to be
an hour missing from 10:00pm to 11:00pm.
Q: Why would O.J. make a good stand-up comedian?
A: He always kept Nicole in stitches!
Rumor has it that Disney is going to make a new movie based on the life
of O.J. Simpson.
They're gonna call it, "The Lyin' Coon."
Q: What is the difference between Kato the dog and Kato Kaelin?
A: One is a long-haired, mangy mutt who is a witness in the Simpson case
and the other is a dog.
Q: What do Nicole Brown Simpson and the Australian Yacht in the
America's Cup have in common?
A: They both went down in under 2 1/2 minutes.
Q: What was the last thing Nicole Brown ever saw?
A: Just teeth and eyeballs!
To the tune of "Must be Santa CLaus"
Who shopped around for a special knife?
O.J. shopped around for a special knife.
Who was late to catch his flight?
O.J. was late to catch his flight.
Late for flight
Special knife
Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson.
Who said "So I killed the bitch?"
O.J. said "So I killed the bitch?"
Who screamed it out it front of a snitch
O.J. screamed it out in front of a snitch
Heard by snitch
Kill the bitch
Late for flight
Special knife
Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson.
Who fled the cops in a White Bronco?
O.J. fled the cops in a White Bronco.
Who's got a hundred cops in tow?
O.J. got a hundred cops in tow.
Cops in tow
White Bronco
Heard by snitch
Kill the bitch
Late for flight
Special knife
Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson.
Don't know if you've heard, but Shapiro is in a lot of trouble. It
seems that he's been sneaking hookers into O.J.'s cell.
He got one in last night, and she and O.J. were goin' at it. Afterward
she told O.J., "I've got some good news and some bad news."
O.J. says, "I'm in prison, I'm up on murder charges. I think I've had
just about all the bad news I can handle. What's the good news?"
"You're four inches longer than Magic."
With the air conditioner on in the courtroom, it got so cold that O.J.
asked for his hat and glove back.
Q: Did you hear they found the murder weapon for the O.J. Simpson trial?
A: It's a six-foot spade.
Jack Diamond in Diamond In The Morning - WMIX 107.3 FM, Washington, DC
Woodpeckers have drilled 135 holes into the Space Shuttle external
fuel tank. To put things into perspective, that's almost as
many holes as O.J. Simpson's alibi.
Joke told recently in Judge Ito's's courtroom. One of O.J. Simpson's
lawyers approaches his client. "I have good news and bad news," he says
"Which do you want to first?"
"The bad news," O.J. says.
"The bad news is that it is your blood all over the crime scene, that the
DNA proves it."
"So what's the good news?" O.J. asks.
"The good news is that your cholesterol is only 130."
What is noteworthy is not the joke itself but who was telling it,
where, how and to whom. Much to the chagrin of O.J.'s lawyers,
it was told by Judge Ito himself, in his robe, at the bench, to
Johnnie Cochran during a break in the trial.
Q. Why does Marcia Clark wear mini-skirts in court?
A. She wants to win the Simpson case on appeal.
Johnnie Cochran: O.J., all this blood evidence is very damaging.
We've got to get a change of venue to West Virginia.
O.J.: How come?
J.C.: Because, in West Virginia, everybody has the same DNA.
Dennis Miller to Jay Leno: "The O.J. trial's gone on for so long that
Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro have been able to shed their
skins three times since it began."
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is
good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
Samuel Johnson to an aspiring writer
Your testimony is both good and truthful, but the part that is
good is not truthful and the part that is truthful is not good.
Marcia Clark to Mark Fuhrman
I heard a new Mark Fuhrman beer is being released.
It has no head and a long red neck.
Post-trial Jokes
1. Q: What did O.J. say to Judge Ito after the verdict?
A: Hey, great! Can I get my hat and gloves back now?
2. Q: What did Mike Tyson say to the O.J. jury?
A: Where were you when I needed you?
3. Q: Did you hear O.J. is getting married again?
A: I hope he doesn't get confused and cuts the bride and kisses the cake.
4. A few months after the trial, some tourists are the in deepest jungles of
New Guinea, when they happen upon a small village with a main street
and various shops.
As they walk down the street window-shopping, they come to a shop with
a sign in the window: "BRAINS ON SALE." Curious, they go in and look in
the display case and see trays of brains.
Japanese brains> $3.80 lb.
German brains> $4.20 lb.
Canadian brains> $4.15 lb.
O.J. Jury brains> $12.50 oz.
Curious about the big price difference in the last batch, they ask the
shop keeper to explain, where upon he replies, "the O.J. jury brains were
never used!"
5. By now I am sure you are familiar with Johnnie Cochran's famous quote,
"If it doesn't fit, then you must acquit!" What you might not know is
that it was not his first choice. The following are the top 10 slogans
almost used by Johnnie Cochran:
10. If the victim is white
Acquittal is right!
9. O.J. Simpson is so very nice
It was a fluke that he happened to cut himself twice!
8. Those bumps on the wall were caused by a ghost
Forget about Kato, he's as dumb as a post!
7. If you acquit, you will not lose face
Ignore all his blood that's all over the place!
6. O.J. could not have done it; he was asleep in his nightie
Forget about Goldman; he's only a whitey!
5. You might be attacked, but please do not fear
The entire black caucus will stand up and cheer!
4. If you look at the facts and just cannot face it
Remember Mark Furman's a terrible racist!
3. Because of O.J.'s money, the playing field's level
Let's send a message to the white devil!
2. Please have no guilt, not even a fraction
White man did it to us, this is affirmative action!
And the Number 1 Johnnie Cochran slogan...
FACTS ARE FOR UNCLE TOMS !!!
Some O.J. Haikus
A hostile witness,
his career halted by THIS,
stutters and stammers.
Bark, Akita, bark!
They're dead and he ran away.
Now go eat some food.
If the gloves don't fit,
You must acquit. If they do,
You still must acquit.
He bought her a pair
Of rounder and larger breasts...
No knife marks on those.
Evidence mountain,
Such a hard mountain to climb.
One slip, acquittal.
Q. What's the difference between O.J. and American justice?
A. O.J. is free.
Q. What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Nicole Simpson?
A. We're not 100% sure who killed JFK.
Q. How many O.J. jurors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They voted it was "not dark."
Q: What did O.J. say when someone finally asked him where he was between
9 and 11?
A: "Second Grade."
Q: What do O.J. and fireworks have in common?
A: Both have killed in the past, but they still get let off.
Q: Would it have been funny if O.J. was convicted?
A: Yeah, it would have been a riot!
Q: Did you hear O.J. is endorsing a new margarine product?
A: It's called, "I Can't Believe I'm Not Guilty"
Sony also signed him to a deal to hawk their Walkmans.
Q: Did you hear that O.J. got a new promo deal with Nike?
A: The slogan is going to be, "Just Say You Didn't Do It!"
Q: Did you hear O.J. is going to endorse a new children's game?
A: It's called, "Pin the Glove on the Honkey."
New definitions for O.J.:
Outta Jail Owned Jury
Ornery Jackal Ominous Jealousy
Oppressive Jerk Obsessed Judge
Oblique Jury Outwitted Jury
Obtuse Jury Overly Jealous
Obvious Jerk Oblivious Jury
Outran Jail Outwitted Justice
Outta Jokes?
Q: What was the real reason O.J. cancelled the interview?
A: He couldn't answer the question, "O.J., do you mind if we strap this
lie detector to your chest?"
Q: What do Mark Fuhrman and O.J. have in common?
A: Neither one of them likes to hang out with black folks.
Some new O.J. endorsements:
-- for Isotoner -- "These gloves fit."
-- for Scotch Guard -- "Won't let blood stains soak through."
-- for American Airlines -- "When you have to get out of town fast,
no questions asked."
-- for Sure Deodorant -- "Never let the jury see you sweat."
-- for Hertz -- "We get you through the airport with an hour to kill."
Here is a question to ponder:
If an O.J. juror and her husband were to get a divorce, would they
still be sister and brother?
How can you forget the #1 O.J. Simpson song in your list?
"Backstabbers" by the O'Jays (#1 in 1972)
Other Songs:
"Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas
"Some Guys Have All The Luck"
"Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
I just bought the new O.J. modem -- it takes 5 minutes to download a
file then tries to convince you it must have taken a lot longer.
Q: What's the difference between the Simpson trial and the Super Bowl?
A: Both had over 50 million viewers, but only one has seen a Buffalo
Bill win.
GREEN EGGS AND SHAM - A children's book of the Simpson Trial
(based on actual court transcripts of the O.J. Simpson murder trial.)
Would you could you kill your wife?
Would you, could you with a knife?
"I would not, could not, with a knife,
would not, could not, kill my wife."
Would you, could you, with a shovel?
Would you, could you, in a brothel?
"I would not, could not, with a shovel,
would not, could not, in a brothel.
I would not, could not, with a knife,
would not, could not, kill my wife.
Did you drop your bloody gloves?
Did you drop them, by the shrubs?
"I did not drop my bloody gloves,
I did not drop them by the shrubs."
Did you speed off in your truck?
Did you think you'd have such luck?
"I did not speed off in my truck,
I did not think I'd have such luck.
I did not drop my bloody gloves,
I did not drop them by the shrubs.
I would not, could not with a knife,
I would not, could not kill my wife.
Did you leave some DNA?
Tell us, tell us, dear O.J.
"I did not leave my DNA,
Will you please just go away!"
Jury, Jury, go and talk,
Decide to jail or let him walk.
"We think there is no need to repent,
it's clear that he is innocent.
He would not, could not with a knife,
He would not, could not kill his wife."
"Your acquittal means so much,
let me tell, I'm deeply touched!
But I have some more to say,
listen - turn your ears this way!
I did leave some DNA!
Fingerprints of old O.J.!
Yes, I sped off in my truck,
yes, I had terrific luck!
Yes, I dropped my bloody gloves,
dropped them in the bloody shrubs!
I did kill her with a knife!
I did kill her, kill my wife!
I did stab her with a shovel!
I would do it at a brothel!
I would kill them here or there!
I would kill them anywhere!"
O.J. Poem
O.J. Simpson took a knife,
And slit the throat of his ex-wife;
When he saw a witness there,
he killed him too without a care.
Q: What was O.J.'s first meal after being released?
A: Chicken, white and well-battered.
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Colonel Sanders?
A: Colonel Sanders kills his chicks before he batters them.
The O.J. Trial, as told by The Cat in the Hat
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her in the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Leave it be!
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was gashed from broken glass.
I cut my hand upon a glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through L.A., from side to side.
From North to South, we took a ride.
But from the cops, I could not hide.
And now we've been here for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the hem and haw.
The circus-hype the viewers saw.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
And lawyers charge by the hour, I fear.
If I'm found "Guilty," I'll appeal.
Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
I'll wheedle and whine; I'll cut a deal!
If it's "Not Guilty," so glad I'll feel.
Yet another Dr. Seuss gag....
DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve?
A: Christopher Reeve stood for truth, justice and the American way.
O.J. stands for lies and injustice, the American way.
Q: Did you hear O.J. wrote a sequel to his book, "I Want To Tell You" ?
A: It's called, "Don't Make Me Tell You Again, Bitch!"
In a surprise announcement, Bob Dole held a press conference this
morning to announce that O.J. Simpson has joined the Dole ticket and
will run for Vice-President.
Their campaign slogan will be: "We'll kill the opposition and slash
the budget."
Q: What do Marcia Clark and Susan Smith have in common?
A: Neither one got the Juice.
The Grateful Dead have invited O.J. to join the band to replace Jerry
Garcia.
During their first session together, it's expected that they'll be
recording the classic "Mack The Knife."
Q: What was the first thing O.J. said when the verdict was read?
A: "You mean I got away with it?"
Q: What was the first thing Johnnie Cochran said to the jury forewoman?
A: "Thanks, Mom!"
Q: What was the first thing the jury forewoman said to Johnnie Cochran?
A: "I expect that check in my account first thing in the morning!"
Newsweek and CNN surveyed the jury and found that:
9 of the 12 members believe that Elvis is still alive.
11 of the 12 members believe the world is flat.
6 of the 12 members believe that Adolph Hitler committed the
murders and Mark Fuhrman was simply covering up.
Reporter: "O.J. Now you're free... what are your plans?"
O.J.: "Get a bigger knife and O.J. Marcia Clark..."
Q: What did O.J. say to Marcia Clark?
A: "I'm innocent, I tell you. And, I've got the money to prove it!"
O.J. meets Lizzie Borden...
O.J. Simpson took a knife.
Gave forty slashes to his wife.
When he saw what he had done,
He gave Ron Goldman forty one.
O.J.'s old team, the Buffalo Bills, celebrated a little early. On Monday
Night they beat the Browns too!
Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson screen saver for Windows 95?
A: When it launches it hangs your system for a year.
Q: Did you hear Ronald Reagan called O.J. to congratulate him on
the verdict?
A: Afterward he invited O.J. and Nicole over for dinner next week.
O.J. Anagrams!
"Orenthal Simpson"=
"Sportsman in hole"
"Morons help saint" (a reference to his legal team?)
"This so non-pale Mr"
"Judge Lance Ito"=
"DNA? Let 'Juice' go!"
"The OJ Simpson Trial"=
"Jail this moron pest"
Q: Did you hear that O.J. is starting up a limousine service?
A: The motto is, "We'll get you to the airport with an hour to kill."
The O.J. Song.
O.J. O.J. What'd you do?
Killed a white girl and her boyfriend too
Hacked and sliced then drove away
Got tried in court the American way
A black, a white, and a Jew
Went in to court to represent you
Had a race card they did play
The jury bought it and you walked away
After winning his acquittal, O.J. was overheard speaking to Johnnie, and
said that he would seek out and find the real killer of Nicole.
Johnnie replied: "That's great, but you had better take all of the
mirrors out of your house first."
Q: What's O.J.'s motto?
A: Life's a bitch, and then you stab one.
Q: What is the NRA's new motto?
A: Remember guns don't kill people, O.J. kills people.
They asked the Pope if he thought O.J. was guilty.
He replied, "Am I Catholic?"
What is the world's worst golf foursome?
O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Susan Smith, and Greg Louganis
O.J. is always slicing
Heidi is always hooking
Susan Smith is always in the water
Greg Louganis is always in the wrong hole
Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. ride at Disney Land?
A: It's a dollar to get on but $5 million to get off.
The murders occured June 12th 1994.
It can also be written as 6/12/1994
add the individual digits up...ie 6 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 4
You get O.J.'s number, 32. Coincidence? I think not!
Q: Why has Paula Barbieri been seen drinking out of plastic cups?
A: Because L.A. waiters are afraid to bring her glasses.
O.J. played golf yesterday and said he had no problem with slicing.
And did you hear he didn't use a golf cart? He's used to walking.
O.J.'s web site: http://\//$$$$
Q: What's the difference between Mark Fuhrman and a black woman?
A: A black woman can't get O.J. off.
Q: What do Mark Furhman and Peter McNeeley have in common?
A: Neither was able to plant a glove on a black man.
O.J.'s email address: oj@wife//ron\\\esc.trial.free
Hey, hang on to your recipt for that O.J. Simpson Halloween costume you
bought. The company that makes them is having a recall.....
It seems the gloves don't fit and they couldn't find the knife.
Q: What do you have when you have Helen Keller, Stevie Wonder, and
the O.J. Simpson jury?
A: *Fourteen* people who can't see worth a damn!
The bars in California don't serve screwdrivers anymore... The vodka is
ok, but the O.J. will kill ya.
Even more O.J. Limericks...
An L.A. policeman named Mark
Was searching around in the dark
And he found O.J.'s knife
After he butchered his wife
And planted it just for a lark!
The defendant was a big, dumb, dope
They should have hung him from a rope
With the glamour and money of network TV
The jury of idiots set him free
But legally he's still on a tightrope!
"You're a racist!" they said to Fuhrman
"You're a pig and a scum and a vermin!"
We set O.J. free
As easy as one, two, three,
Our verdict was predetermined!
There once was a man they called "Juice"
Was acquitted and's now on the loose.
So please hide those knives
And protect your wives,
And hope he won't ever use a noose.
Four reasons why O.J. likes to golf so much:
1) He can hit white things.
2) He can play a lie.
3) He can slice and get away with it.
4) He gets to wear tight gloves.
Microsoft has offered O.J. a position at the company.
They can always use good hackers.
Have you heard that Johnnie Cochran has a new job?
He's getting a driving licence for Stevie Wonder.
Heard about the O.J. sandwich?
It's full of baloney
Hard to swallow
But a lot of fools are still buying it!
(To the tune of "The Gambler")
You gotta know when to grab them,
You've gotta know how to stab them,
You gotta know when Nicole is dead,
And when to go get Ron.
Better watch your finger
Or the DNA will get you
Did you leave your limo runnin'
While the deed was done?
Another O.J. Haiku
deaf white folks, crooked
cops, backward justice, still
surprised? open your eyes!
O.J. has died and is in the transition zone between Heaven and Hell and
as he is walking along the path, he sees that the road splits ahead of
him, to the left, it descends down into Hell and to the right, it
ascends up into Heaven. In the middle of the road sits St. Peter, at a
desk piled high with papers.
As O.J. approaches the desk he looks at St. Peter and states, "I'm O.J.
Simpson." St. Peter looks at O.J. and says, "I know, go on down to your
left."
O.J. states, "Wait a minute, I said I am O.J. Simpson. I was a great
football player. I was an All-American at USC. I was a Heisman Trophy
Winner in college. I played in the professional football in the NFL.
I am in the Professional Football Hall of Fame."
St. Peter looks at O.J. and states, "I know, go on down to your left."
O.J. in a panic states, "Wait a minute, what have I done to deserve the
eternal punishment of Hell."
St. Peter looks a O.J. and states, "God said, 'Thou shalt not Kill.'"
"That is one of the Ten Commandments."
O.J. states, "Wait a minute, I had a trial and I was found "Not guilty"
by a jury of my peers."
St. Peter looks at O.J. and states, "Yes I know, go on down to your left,
your jurors are down there waiting for you."
As O.J. starts his descent into Hell, he looks back at St. Peter and St.
Peter states, "Oh, and by the way, Mark Fuhrman was by here yesterday
and he's down there looking for you."
Q: Why were some people in L.A. dissapointed by the O.J. verdict?
A: They already had new TV sets picked out!
Even more things O.J. stands for:
Outrageous Joke
Obstructing Justice
