Santa Is A Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. 
Think about it. Christmas is a big,
              organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a 
tough time believing a guy could possibly
              pull it all off!

              For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think 
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's
              as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time 
Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when
              they with amazing calm call other errant men and plan for 
a last-minute shopping spree.

              Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only 
Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and
              mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would 
send them into a fit of panic and guilt,
              but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because
it lessens the 11th hour decision-making
              burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. 
Surely, if he were a man, everyone
              in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a 
rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
              still in the bag.

              Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. 
First of all, there would be no reindeer
              because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the
rear bumper of the sleigh amid
              wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been 
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be
              on the way to the taxidermist.

              Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
              would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
              directions.

              Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like
              Santa Would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. 
He would also need to check for
              carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under 
every Christmas tree that is crooked
              to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

              Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

                   - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
                   - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having 
to be seen with all those elves.
                   - Men don't answer their mail.
                   - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described 
even in
                   jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
                   - Men aren't interested in stockings unless 
somebody's wearing them.
                   - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
                   ability to pick up women.
                   - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

              I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

                   - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and 
looking ominous.
                   Definite guy.
                   - Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
                   - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

              Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a
              chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace 
on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's
              version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little 
difference what gender Santa is.

              I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy !!!