Redneck Etiquette
Speaking Southern
Rural Computer Lingo
Things You'd Never Hear a Southerner Say!!
You may be a High Tech Redneck if....
Advice for Yankees Moving South
Another Bar Story
*******************************
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
*********************************
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It's is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a
proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
**********************************************
Speaking Southern
******************************
Log On-
Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off-
Don't add any more wood.
Monitor-
Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download-
Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz-
When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).
Floppy Disk-
Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
Disk Operating System-
The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.
RAM-
The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive-
Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt-
What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows-
What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen-
What you need for black fly season.
Byte-
What black flies do.
Chip-
What to munch on.
Micro Chip-
What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared-
Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem-
What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix-
John Matrix's wife.
Printer-
Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top-
Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard-
Where you hang your keys.
Software-
Them plastic eatin' utensils.
486-
One of them fancy imported cars.
Mouse-
What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame-
The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port-
Fancy wine.
Enter-
C'mon in!
Random Access Memory-
When you suddenly can't remember how much that new rifle costs when your wife asks.
Digital-
Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
Apple-
If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
Program-
What's on the TV when there's reception.
CD ROM-
The place in the bank where they sell retirement accounts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***************************************
If you have old computers up on blocks in the front yard.
If your e-mail address ends in "over.yonder.com."
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a
laptop."
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
If you wire your network with jumper cables.
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your deer rifle has laser-guided bullets.
If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT."
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife ever said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy." If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."
******************************
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will
be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
10. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.
12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
*********************************************
The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability"!
Back to the Duval Family Home Page
Redneck Driving Etiquette --
********************************
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
*****************************
*********************************
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
**************************************
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
***********************************************
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Rural Computer Lingo
Things You'd Never Hear a Southerner Say!!
You may be a High Tech Redneck if....
Advice for Yankees Moving South
------------------------------------------------------
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how
to use it.
Another Bar Story
The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
