~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A: Exactly five hundred, as follows:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
*************************************
Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting
user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow
Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered
his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked.
On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File
Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon
after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine
is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files
that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to
place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can
be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate
through a series of Help screens and end up where they started
from without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible
data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms
of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main
parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group
of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played
Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes;
now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get
revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept
that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A computer was something on TV,
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
An application was for employment.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper.
The Customer is Always Right
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor,
incognizant
user called the system maker's technical support line for
assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my
computer.
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply.
You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the
system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to
explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded:
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers
this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of
the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from
the customer:
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS
doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again:
Customer: I need a new power supply.
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what
you said,and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
********************************
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Main memory was smaller then;
"This works through 1999,"
But Management had not a clue:
Now when 2000 rolls around
The mail won't bring your pension check.
The problems we're about to face
[key change, big finish]
Eight thousand years from now I hope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large
letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Back to the Duval Family Home Page
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
to change a light bulb?
list that the light bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of changing light
bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
changed differently.
4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about
the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
all use light bulbs, and therefore the posts
**are** relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all headers and footers, and then
add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
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Fun Computer Definitions!
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Lamentations of the Computer Resistant
From a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean.
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
And gig was your middle finger upright.
Now they all mean different things.
And that really mega bytes.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy.
You hoped nobody found out.
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public.
You'd be in jail for a while.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash.
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back to Top
Two Digits for a Date
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all wil>
Transfer interrupted!
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
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WHERE AM I?
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