Thoughts
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
What You Learn From Movies
Ponderings
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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired!!!!
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
you're still a rat.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the
Queen.
My Reality Check bounced.
I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
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Subject: A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good
whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad
judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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What you learn from movies:
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lyin beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All single women have a cat.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
A full moon can occur for several nights in a row.
The person you trust most at work is probably the one who is trying to kill you.
Should you need to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon - then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops... on my desk I have a work station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can you "Quit while you're ahead"?
Why is it that the only time the phone seems to ring, or people come to my door... is when I'm in the bathroom?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Is the opposite of something... nothing?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Wouldn't that be a near hit?
Why is it when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Why is it that if you tell someone that there are 400 billion stars, they'll believe you... but if you tell someone it's wet paint, they have to touch it?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If humans "monkey around," do monkeys "human around"?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
If the # 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still # 2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Thoughts.......
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Ponderings
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