True Statements from 5th and 6th graders
Children on Love and Marriage
Selected Notes From a Childhood Diary
How I Spent My Holidays
Children's Bible History
Deep Thoughts by Kids
True Statements from Eleven-Year-Olds' Science Exams
Q: What is one horsepower
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear
it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they
broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run round and round in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they
are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back in to a sun in the
daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing
and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that can not make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are not yet to be discovered. Finding them all
means living for ever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the centre of the Earth because so much population
stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes its brother
against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out
the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things when people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still
mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
I am not sure how clouds are formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important
thing. Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around. And around. there is not much else to
do. Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the
air so we won't drown when we breathe. Rain is often known as soft water, opposite known as
hail. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of bigly size.
A monsoon is a french gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
Children on Love and Marriage
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom,5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
- "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go
for a second date." (Mike,10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
- "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own
VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
- "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if
nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally,
9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
- "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them"
Lynette, 9)
- "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
- "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's
why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan,9)
- "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed
to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
- "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger,9)
- "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE - "If you want to be loved by somebody who
isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)
- "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got
anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
- "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
- "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave,
8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
- "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
- "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I
was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
- "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
- "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is
still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava,8)
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My parents are dumb: There is no such thing as "child-proofing" the house.
My voice can be louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant if I really want it to be.
If you hook a dog leash to a ceiling fan, the motor is NOT strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. kid
wearing Superman underwear and a cape.
It is strong enough to spread paint on all 4 walls of a 20x23 ft. room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the baseball up a few times before you get a
hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows {even double-pane} does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words UH-OH, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, lots of it.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball spikes, it does not leak - it explodes.
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house with 2" of water.
Legos will pass through my sister's digestive track.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's DO NOT eject PB&J sandwiches.
Garbage bags do NOT make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
Mom should always look in the oven before she turns it on.
Plastic things do not like ovens.
The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It does make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandma & Grandpa. They used to live here in a big
brick home, but, Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a
lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on bit three wheeled tricycles
and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called
a wrecked hall; but, if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games
and do exercises there, but, they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They
go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. As you go
into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get
out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that
they think are dollars.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just
eat out. They eat the same thing every night--Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that
they don't know how to cook at all so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall
and they call it "pot luck".
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move
back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.
Children's Bible History
OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath
off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic
Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went upon Mount Cyanide to
get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He
also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the
entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
According to the Bible, a Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry
because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great
big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's.
Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December
26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that
the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch
of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell
and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh
water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier,
the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire
and everyone died. --Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the
end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she
got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be
good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.
Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about
time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I
mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine
how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
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The following are all quotes from 11-year-olds' Science Exams:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the
bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope
Here are some wonderful true statements from children in the 5th/6th grades (USA) taken from
their classroom discussion, exam responses and essays. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention
'That the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then
stop'.
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WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? - "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you
don't have to work anymore,and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)
Selected Notes From a Childhood Diary
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How I Spent My Holidays
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small
boy wrote the following:
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Actual Responses by Jewish and Parochial Students to Bible History
Deep Thoughts by Kids
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From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep
Thoughts by Jack Handey."
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