This may be the last journal entry...just because I may shut this site down...who knows...so this is going to be one big wad of randomness...

Maybe i'm making progress...I'm learning to let go...and it's one of the hardest things to do. Or maybe it's just me...I think it is. I'm a cancer, i have trouble letting go of things...especially what means a lot to me...and he did. He meant a lot to me...and I feel terrible because I hurt him. He made me happy and I just made him depressed. I guess I can understand that...I'm not the most cheerful, optimistic person, usually...But that was in the past...and he's moved on, and so should I. I mean, he's not "the one", and I knew that from the beginning...he's not perfect, but he was special...i don't know why...he just...stood out from all the other guys i've met...maybe that's why i don't want to let go. Maybe it's not a case of "i don't want to let go because i still love him..." after all, what is love...did I love him in the beginning? yes. Do i now?...who knows...but maybe it's just a case of "i don't want to let go because...he was special"...?? *shrugs* i dunno...i'm confused. But there "are other fish in the sea"...how cliche...aye, kendall, you're being generic again. Okay i can do this...

Why do I always talk about love? I don't know...maybe, because.........i have no clue. Okay so lets just...move on...

I remember...way back in like...4th grade, it seemed like all of the students knew exactly what they wanted in life...what college, what career...how many kids, what they wanted their house to look like, the type of husband they wanted to marry and their dog's/cat's name...except for me of course...And to this very day i'm still not sure. I mean...I want to go to NYU, but...that's kind of a shot in the dark...maybe Vanderbilt?...Northwestern?...I have no clue. While others dream of being a doctor, or a lawyer, or a vet...or whatever...I want to be an actress. Yes, you heard me...I want to be an actress and i'm serious when i say that...this is not some childhood fantasy. I MEAN I REALLY WANT TO ACT. As for husbands...well...I don't know if i'll get married. If I AM an actress (and lets say i'm famous.......i wish) would I really have time for a husband? You hear of all these famous couples breaking up. Geez, it'd be embarrassing..."KENDALL AND SO-AND-SO CALL IT QUITS..." geez...but I guess that's the life you live if you're famous. Not to mention that I don't think that i'd make a good wife...seriously. I mean, i'm not a good girlfriend, what makes anyone think that i could ever be a wife?...Ask me in a few years though...maybe i'll change. No kids. End of story. Dogs? Cats?...Plenty of them...

Okay so my dream future in a nutshell...Go to NYU, famous actress, possibly marry some...scrawny, artsy guy who looks good in black (*smiles innocently* don't ask)...or not married at all...no kids, lives in NY or maybe London hehe and has lots of dogs 'n cats...hehehe...i think i could pull that off...don't you ;)

Oh my...I'm in a good mood...geez that's a change...I can just see the front page of the Chattanooga Free Press/Times..."KENDALL? SMILING?" hehehe or not...If i can't be an actress...what could i do?...well, i like to sing, but i don't know if i'd ever want to be a singer (no chance of doing that but hey lets just pretend, okay? okay.)..i mean, i can act in front of people but i don't think i could handle singing in these big...places...just...singing...believe it or not, I get a little nervous on stage sometimes...well, only if i have to sing...LOL plays are a breeze though...it just depends... I like writing...*shrugs* but when it comes to like...stories, I have trouble finishing them...or getting my ideas on paper...so screw writing. I like dancing, but...i'm not like...some amazing dancer or whatever...i just dance for fun...(you know...if i could dance like they did- "Center Stage" would be the coolest movie to be in hehehe)

But wait...why does it matter? I'm only 14...15 in less than a month. *shrugs*

hm...you know...I really like imitating people...I could have a career in mimicry hehe...that would be...interesting. You know who's fun to imitate? Mira Sorvino..or whatever her name was...She was Romy in "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion"...hehe. I like imitating female singers (when they're singing...ya know?)...Alanis Morisette, Natalie Merchant, Tori Amos, Jewel, Sarah McLauchlan...or whatever her name is lol...Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears (*shudder*)...Fiona Apple, Meredith Brooks, Nancy Nevins (Sweetwater), etc etc etc...and I imitate actresses too...Accents are awesome too...hehe British, Australian, Southern, Swedish, Irish, Scottish, Italian, French, Western European or whatever, Russian...oooh i like talking like the people from "Fargo" hehe...okay...anyway...

I have "Ants Marching" in my head...(Dave Matthews Band)...yep yep yep...isn't that interesting?...

You know...I make a lot of people mad...I don't mean to...I'm just...annoying I guess. To all of you that i've made mad...i'm sorry. To all of you that i've hurt...i'm sorry. And i know that saying "i'm sorry" so many times eventually just loses its meaning...but please believe me...i'm truly sorry. I hate having people mad at me, especially when they mean so much to me. Believe it or not, I can be a really nice person...I do have the ability to care for people or their feelings. I don't intend to hurt you...I really don't, but it happens.

You know...Joseph Fiennes is really cute...He was Mr. Shakespeare himself in "Shakespeare in Love"...and he was...some dude *looks at the back of the box*...the Duke of Leicester in "elizabeth"...ahh he's cute and he can act shakespeare (yes there is a certain technique...you can't just read the lines off of a page hehe). Shakespeare must have been a cool guy...actually...he probably wasn't "cool"...he was probably picked on a lot when he was younger. Perhaps wayyy back in his days, it was the same way things are today...the scrawny dude (usually writer, actor, dancer, etc) gets picked on by all the big dudes (usually like...athletes...but some are nice.)...but it's just a stereotype...*shrugs* but it's true many of the writers and dancers and actors are picked on a lot...I speak from experience. Oh well...it's life.

Okay welllll...I could go on forever (okay maybe not that long but..ya know)...sooo to sum this up...what have i learned in life? *small smile* well, i've learned that you shouldn't worry about being weird or being different...someone will always love you.

what else...well, no one's perfect. There's always going to be someone who seems so close to perfection in your eyes...whether it's a girl at school who always looks pretty, who's always got a date for every dance, etc...or maybe a guy who can just...make you feel on top of the world, who has the ability to make you smile even if you're the most pessimistic person in the world, who just makes you feel like you're special...and that you're beautiful and talented and...well, perfect..almost. whatever...or all you guys (or the few that actually read this...) are going to meet some girl who makes your heart quicken when she walks in the room, who makes your palms sweat, and she'll take your breath away. she'll make you smile, and laugh, and she won't judge you...she won't care if you cry, she won't care if you're not the strongest guy...she'll love you for who you are. But i'm sorry to burst your happy love bubble...but none of these people are perfect. i'm sure you all know this and you don't need me to tell you. But...i'm telling you anyway...Love can be a tricky thing. And if you don't...go about it the right way...you or someone you love is going to get hurt. And it hurts a lot...But it's not the end of the world of course...

Okay geez...forget summinggg itt alll uppp...otherwise i'll just start on some big monologue type entry...so i'll just leave you with...a monologue? hehehe...sorry (actually it's a soliloquy but hey...close enough)

"Oh...and in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night!"

::END::