Top Ten Final Version - 10/16/2000
WISHING.....
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2000
Wishing ...
Wishing? What am I wishing for?
Things that make sense,
fit in neat packages,
dreams born to fruition,
a little "happily ever after" fit.
Tantrum throwing for the perfect life
Wishing for more than to
just survive.
But I'm just a greedy
little child
needing to be timed-out for a while.
Wishing ...
Wishing? What am I wishing for?
Trying to find the prize behind
door number four.
Trying to sympathize
with my neighbor
and not underscore
the debts owed back and forth.
If I'm throwing tantrums
and sunshine fits
it's because I want something pass
the entry word commit.
Though I might need to be
timed-out for a while
I'm still in need of loving
like any abandoned child.
Wishing ...
Wishing? What am I wishing for?
Simple loving full of happiness,
need to trust, no suspicious missed.
Get out of this rut and find a niche that fits.
Lord, is that one too much
to ask for?
As I calm myself down
in my corner of doubt,
feeling more miserable
for being timed-out,
I wonder out loud
what this all about.
My last wish is just to
clearly see
what in absolutes you
want from me.
Welcome to this edition of the ring where we conclude our study of the Ten Commandments. Today we look at Deuteronomy 5:16. "Honor your father and mother" (The Book version of the Bible) To many, these words sound easy enough - you love them, respect them, learn from them, and in their later years you take care of them. I confess here and now to you (though if you are familiar with me at all you already know it) that this is the Commandment that I have the most trouble with. For years now God and I have had "conversations" about this. Mainly with me saying, "Do I really have to with everything that's happened? Aren't there exceptions?" But more importantly, "God, please, how am I going to do this one?" God's fairly well gentle with me. On this point I've been battered around quite a bit already (by my step- father). So, quietly as I read through the New Testament fully the first time HE pointed out certain scriptures to me about parents/adults teaching children. Colossians 3:21, Ephesians 6:4, Matthew 18:6.
THE TWISTED TREE
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 1994/99
The Twisted Tree
so gnarled and decrypted
full of secrets
trying to hide it's shame
partially alive
blooming with hope
partially dying
with an abusing disease
I want to walk away
get out from under
the killing shade
I am drowning
I am suffocating
My life is bleeding away
in this shade
I want the LIGHT
to warm my flesh
to heal my wounds
to renew my life
but I am nailed
to the twisted tree
crucified for the sin of birth
crucified for my sex
crucified for not conforming
I am a mutation
of this tree
ripe with wounds
watered by salty tears
I barely survive
in the darkness
And I keep reaching for the
LIGHT
keep daring to
pull up my own roots
drift away from the pain
There will always be
the seed of this twisted tree
within me
Unlike the twisted tree
however
I can survive in the LIGHT
without the secrets
There's no need for me to
twist
to try to hide the shame
I can bloom
without destroying
without becoming gnarled
I have come to a point in my life where I have forgiven my mother of the wrongs that she committed in my life and the lives of my sisters. I love and honor her the best I can. I stay in touch with her (something I haven't always done) and I aid my sisters in watching over her and taking care of her needs in whatever ways I can. This doesn't just mean her physical needs but her spiritual needs as well. Still, I confess that I am far from being a perfect daughter. I could and should improve our relationship.
THE ARGUMENT
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2000
(written while reading Lewis' "Mere Christianity")
Three A.M.
here I am
deep in an argument
with C. S. Lewis
being raised by a
psychopath
makes me question
C. S.'s premise
that we all know
the same code
we all bow our heads
in some kind of shame
Yet, if Daddy hadn't known
it was wrong
he wouldn't have
worked so hard
to keep it hidden
C. S. has finally
won this round
leaving it harder
for me to question
the rest of the program
leaving it so much
easier
to just believe
so much more
open
a space to breathe in
God
and sleep in peace
Honoring my father, on the other hand, is something I continue to struggle with. He died violently shortly before my 5th birthday. As I've said before, he was far from being a good man or a good father. I am fairly assured he did not make heaven. What could I do here? All that I truly knew to do was to let go of the anger held against him for all he did. That anger harms only me as it festers inside. Again, it is easier said than done. Some days are better than others.
NOT ANOTHER DAY
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2000
Not another day, daddy
will the stain be made
Not another day, daddy
will you break as I pray
Jesus has intervened
telling me in joy to sing
those in sorrow I should bring
to my Lord for peace to receive
Not another day, daddy
will I let another cry
Not another day, daddy
will I let the needy be passed by
Jesus has asked of me
to just open my heart to keep
HE will be everlasting peace
to those who are suffering
Not another day, daddy
I will let you cry
Not another day, daddy
will your pain be alive
Jesus will change the pain
take the sting from the stain
turn sin to white light again
if in HIM I remain
It occurred to me recently that one way of "honoring" this foul man who beget me was to try to help others to not take the same path he chose. It may sound odd but somehow this helps in my healing. To stand up and scream at Satan that I will not allow him to take a foothold in the lives of those I know is, well, the best and only way I know of honoring the man I called "Daddy" (and my unfortunate step-father as well for that matter). This is the peace that God has finally handed down to me with this commandment.
This concludes our study of the Top Ten. If you have any suggestions/ideas for future rings, I welcome them! If you have any questions or comments about any of these rings, please feel free to contact me. God be with you and yours.
Peace, love, and forgiveness,
Leslie Elain
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Email: shaken@angelfire.com