TIGHTENING SCREWS 10-17-2001
NOT BEYOND
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2000
I've caught myself now
in mid-stride
as I try to outrun
the screaming
I can feel it
welling up deep within
this wildness
feelings of being
out of control
of wanting to break
make a run for it
from it
but I never get
completely out of reach
never completely
beyond the
impending implosions
Have you ever feared insanity? Or should I say, have you ever feared being or going insane? I am going to admit - since I'm trying to be totally honest with you here - that I have moments when I wonder. Moments when I am deeply afraid and wonder if I'm headed in that direction. I feel I have good reason to be concerned. From my college psychology classes I know that some forms of mental illness have genetic links - they run in families. Then I look at my family history - what I know of it - and I can tell you that fear grips me. There is alcoholism on both sides of my family (more prominently on my father's side, I believe). While I've not got a problem with alcohol, this addiction component plays out in me in other ways. My addiction? Well, it's escapism. I enjoy escaping into my mind with daydreams and fantasies. I can become who I would really like to be. Or put together storylines that keep me entertained. This partly comes out in creative forms like poetry and short stories, which is healthy. Then other times it's just a huge distraction and obstacle in my day. Sometimes I want to crawl up in my head and stay there. After 32 years of escaping from who I am (or at least trying to), I find it hard to stop.
I'M OKAY
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
I'm okay - no, really
just give me a chance
I'm okay - no, really
just took a lil mental dance
I'm okay - no, really
life's just a masquerade
I'm okay - no, really
life's more than a sad parade
Enter into my
tiny swirling universe
a bit weird but
not really that perverse
Talk to strangers
they're my closest friends
laugh at the hard points
until I don't feel again
I'm okay - no, really
just needed a lil break
I'm okay - no really
just (don't) leave me alone
for heaven's sake
When darkness falls
and it's quiet again
imagination falls full
so that I pretend
Doors open
with the slightest care
my world come bloom
with my mental flares
I'm okay - no, really
reality's just not what I thought
I'm okay - no, really
my dream's just what I've sought
I'm okay - no, really
just need to blend the two
I'm okay - no, really
just need a more subtle shade of blue
Escapism doesn't sound too insane. Many people do it. Some of them make a living by writing books and scripts from their mental adventures. Frankly, it's more of an annoyance at times when the mental movie is running and I'm not in a place where I can capture it. No, the real fear is knowing that there may be a larger form of madness lurking. Since I was quite young when my father died, I have done a kind of research on my father and his family. My Mom and sisters are at this point drained from my questions and would be happy if I just never asked another one. What keeps bringing me back to asking is that I don't understand why my father did the things he did. I can not see how or why any normal, rational human being would hurt their own children so unmercifully. I've turned this over in my mind a thousand times to try to understand. I know that he was an alcoholic and that there was probable drug use as well but that still doesn't explain it. I can only come back to the idea that he must have been mentally ill (which would also explain the actions of some of his brothers and sisters as well). And since I can't study him close enough to figure out exactly what it was that caused his behaviors, I stand in fear. I don't fear that I would hurt my children. I fear losing my mind, my self, my soul as he must have there at the end before he took his life. It haunts me sometimes in dreams in the dark of night not knowing what demons taunted him into doing all the things that he did. It haunts me to think that I only know a small fraction of the horrors he unleashed on our family and others. Could madness one day also bring me to a point where I might hurt others or myself?
LEAKING
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
Can you feel the desperation
leaking off her soul?
Reaching, careening
ever seeking ...
Part of you wants to catch her
before she falls
then again ...
What if you're pulled
into the darkness
with her
eyes wide open?
What lies in her darkness?
She's afraid.
She's desperate to hang on.
Shouldn't you be?
Doesn't that make you
want to pull away
when you can feel the
desperation
leaking off her soul?
This isn't something I discuss often. It makes me uncomfortable. Talking about possible mental illness running in my father's side of the family and the fear that it may run through me at some point makes others uncomfortable as well. I can see their own fear in their eyes, hear it in their tones as they say goodbye and walk away. It's too much for them to bear to think about. And I can understand that. It's too much for me on most days too. But then it leads to another fear of mine - being left alone. I have a lot of acquaintances but few close friends. I find myself at times testing these friends to see if they will stay with me. Part of me loves them so much I want to push them clear of my depressions and fears. Part of me would beg and do anything possible to insure that they stay with me always. Again, I want to be honest with you. I have lived through much and have built strong walls for protection. I'm not quite broken porcelain deep inside, just a few cracks in the pretty.
MISSING THREADS
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
It's so lonely
watching so many
walk in and out
of my life
It's so lonely
without common running
threads
Threads that do not break
Threads that do not unravel
Threads that flow
instead of bind and cut
It's so lonely
without threads to weave me into
the fabric of life
As much as I fear having a few screws loose, like my father and his family, I know I also have to trust myself, my friends, and, most importantly, my Lord. I have to trust that my Lord will take care of me - HE won't leave me no matter how weird I might get. I have to trust my friends, that they would tell me if they see me coming too close to the edge and they feel concern. I have to trust that they want to stay with me through the dark patches. I have to trust myself, that, unlike others, if I know things are getting too weird and too wired and too strained that I can reach out in constructive ways for help. I have to be willing to reach out to family and friends, my doctor, my pastor, and always to the Lord when I need help. It sounds easy but there's always the fear that people will run from what doesn't seem normal or whole. It's easier to fall back on taught patterns of hiding pains and fears. I thank God that HE has given me a new lease on life and a chance to live life differently than those who have fallen before me. HE gives me the strength to speak the truth here to you.
Peace, love, and forgiveness,
Leslie
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Email: shaken@angelfire.com