DIAGNOSIS - 10-3-2001
[Note from author: written to "Existence" by Kevin Max from the cd "Sterotype Be".]
WEARY
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
I don't feel human anymore
dreamin' dreams
as a means of escape
only to find myself
still dusty and scorched
heavy in this mental wasteland
Nothing soothes
all balms make me more weary
The screaming inside my head
goes from the outside in
The music makers don't
crowd the noise out
long enough
I am a pitiful disgrace
to fall before my God
pleading
peace be ... peace be ...
No more haunting
I have a confession to make. For quite a while now I've been holding back telling people in my life about a problem I've been having. I know that everyone has their own burdens to deal with, I didn't want to add mine. I guess that part of me was also in denial that there was a problem there. Like the eating problem I mentioned before, it was just easier to not see it. I made the excuses that I'm just tired and achy from chasing after my son, moving twice in the past 3 years, the stress of this or that, maybe it's just part of getting older. Since beginning my rings that talk in pure honesty about my fears and concerns, I found myself unable to ignore this anymore.
MY BODY IS THE BETRAYER
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
My body is the betrayer
this is how it's gone
my soul is trapped within
I feel isolated and alone
days drag by in and out
the aches ebb as a tide
days without focus or energy
within this body no where to hide
And I pray
knowing that there will come the day
when this body will be done
I shall enter the Kingdom come
This is the hope
that drags my days
pulls me along
when I've no other way
Because there's no strength left
in a body that's betrayed
only one truth remains
in a mind that's frayed
On September 7th I went in for testing - a physical examine and blood work. From my family medical history, my research on the net, and talking with my doctor at length, we had a good idea of what the problem was before I left the office that day. I would get the results of the tests back on Sept. 13th. It was a long wait. The world changed drastically while I waited. And I changed drastically from within during the wait. I watched on tv as so many had their lives changed in a much more inalterable way than mine. How often did I cry out to my Lord - not to lift my burden but to help me through it, that I might be strong for others. I prayed for my Lord to help so many through their present burdens and grief. I could not be selfish in my own self-pity. I could not let myself drown when I could see so many others going beyond keeping their heads above water - and their waves were so much larger than mine.
REACHING FOR THE CREATOR
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
creation in a darkened soul
absence of light
shutters locked secure
against the pain and sadness
desperately seeking
an active cure
how many more tears
are needed to be shed
how many more scrolls
are needed to be read
can't find the seeking
between the lines
can't the resting
in a fragmented mind
darkness never bested
even when hope's requested
intervention of the
divine kind
stark creation
streaked on light
a darkened soul
not overcome by blight
reaching for a more
masterful creation
On Sept. 13th I got the phone call from the doctor. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. [see www.fibromama.com for more details] It's sorta like arthritis and has a number of characteristics like Lupus. I was tested for all three plus a few more tests to make sure. It comes on so slowly there's no telling how long I've had it developing in me - perhaps years. Basically, I stay tired all the time (which is why I haven't been at any boards since the spring and have been on-line less and less), my immune system is effected (so I get sick more often), I have muscle aches (at times there is a burning sensation mixed with the pain) and some times painful spasms, I have pain in my joints (feels like hot needles are going in), I don't sleep well at night, I get headaches a lot, I am depressed, and I have this mental fog that affects memory and concentration. At least now I know I'm not losing my mind. I am being treated with a few different meds - an anti-inflamitory med, an anti-anxiety med, and if this doesn't help relieve things enough, then we'll try different varieties of the above mentioned and/or adding some pain killers (to be taken as needed - not daily). To be honest, I hate how this has effected my life. It's a challenge to keep the house clean - just the simple chores. I'm not able to go out and do as much with my kids as I'd like. I just physically can't do those long periods at the park or taking walks to look at the flowers blooming or the leaves changing. I lose my patience so easily when I'm in pain and the children want something "right now." My kids just don't understand what's wrong with Mom at all. I am so forgetful too. And with my concentration down, no wonder I had trouble writing. I fight between wanting to pull myself into a shell and wanting to go tell everyone about this so they understand why I act so strangely sometimes. So here I am starting with you.
WITHOUT THE WALLS
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 1999
The inner "me"
is protected from the world
thick walls I hide behind
I wrap myself
around me
added protection
But YOU still see
YOU still hear
YOU have heard every word
ever spoken or not
within me
YOU have tasted my every tear
YOU have felt how deeply
my heart is torn
YOU see me as I reach
towards YOUR light
YOU lend down YOUR hand
to this little child
buried beneath years
of walls in rubble
YOU knew that I would need YOU
long before I was ever born
YOU love me
I can reach for YOU
When all the world fails me
YOU have not
When my hand falls
short of YOURS
YOU reach down even farther
and pull the inner "me"
from without the walls
In YOU I am free
when the world can not
move me
I go one day at a time. Sometimes I go hour by hour. I feel my Lord with me, pushing me on, telling me that this is not the end - unless I choose it to be. I choose to stand with my Lord. If I can't do things one way then I need to pray and figure out another way to go about it. I am not used up and I am not useless. Not at 32. Nor will I choose to be when I am 42, 52, 62, 72 or creeping up on death. I can be useful at whatever age I am and in whatever condition I am in, so long as I choose to let my Lord use me. There'll just be a lot more prayer in my life to get me through it all. So there it all is, laid out with honesty. Thank you for listening. May God be with you where you are and bless you deeply.
Peace, love, and forgiveness,
Leslie
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