Message Edition - 1/20/2000
Welcome to my poetry/writing ring.
WARNING: This message is strongly worded. Though intended to educate, it may be perceived by some as abrasive. Please do not hesitate to e-mail questions and comments about this edition and its subject matter to shaken@angelfire.com.
UNAWARE
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999
Old men
let their hands
pass over mine
are they thinking,
"Such a pretty lil thing.
It's nothin' to take
this lil bit from her."
They are unaware
of the piece they
harm in me.
They are unaware
that they shatter
my soul.
Mid-aged men,
smelling of things
that disconnect me
from the present
to plug me into the past,
smile at me,
showing the element worn
creases of their faces
and teeth time has decayed,
are they thinking,
"She's such a perty lil thang,
ain't takin' nothin' from her."
They are unaware
of the piece they
harm in me.
They are unaware
that they shatter
my soul.
Young men
brush past me
letting their flesh
press mine.
Intrusions of space
are brief but lasting.
Are they thinking,
"She's a pretty lil thing.
She is nothing
so I take nothing from her."
They are unaware
of the piece they
harm in me.
They are unaware
that they shatter
my soul.
Reference: James 2:14-17 "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘ Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
What would you do if someone you knew told you that they'd been abused as a child? Or were being abused now? How, as a Christian, would you respond? Fact is, if they've trusted you enough to tell you this part of their lives, then there's a good reason. The reason I'm talking about this is because, after searching all one night, I found so very few Christian sites willing to tackle the subject. Too few for the number of people who need someone to tell them that Jesus can still love them - even though they may feel damaged or unworthy due to the abuse they've suffered.
It wasn't an easy thing for me to come to Christ. In my childhood, the name and words of God had been used as a battering ram in my abuse - over and over as an excuse for me to submit. It was hard to get to a point where I understood that it was NOT God's will for me to be abused and then find Biblical references to back that up.
HEARTBEATS POUNDING
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999
heartbeats
pounding too loud
in my ears
memories
resounding harshly
bring on fears
truth
sounding in whispers
barely able to hear
letting go
seems impossible
hold of the past
seems imperishable
leaving me
more than miserable
Most of you know that it was the music and lyrics of dc Talk that helped bring me to Christ. In September I saw them at the Big Spring Jam in Huntsville, Alabama. Toby McKeehan was on-stage, mid-show giving his talk but it went slightly different from how I remembered it when I saw them in March. Toby told the crowd that it didn't matter if you'd been abused - he faltered for words then said to my shock - "it doesn't matter if you've been physically or sexually abused, you can still talk to God. HE loves you." Did I break right there? Yeah, I did (and I HATE to cry in front of people). Why aren't more Christian artists willing to make such statements?
From my personal experience, the sentiments usually expressed by Christians to a person in pain from past abuse is that the person should (1) forgive their abuser and then (2) get over it, move past it, leave the pain to God, let go and let God - or whatever phrase they feel will best convey that the abused person should no longer be in pain if they've turned their life to God. Basically, it feels like some people will say whatever works to get the hurting person to stop talking about what they've went through or where they are in the healing process. I understand that for many people, it's too much for them to bear to even hear the pain of a harmed child. I just ask for a little more understanding on the part of Christians - for anyone in this kind of emotional pain not just for myself. If a person in pain can't turn to a Christian (an example of Christ) for comfort, support, or help, why should they think that they can turn to Christ?
Personally, at times I get frustrated that some of my Christian friends and acquaintances feel that I should just wake up one morning and never again worry with or speak of what happened to me. Yes, God heals - but HE doesn't always do it in the ways we expected or wanted. I would prefer to be healed immediately and never again look back. Apparently, however, it is NOT HIS plan. I do not dwell on what happened to me (I speak for myself here and not necessarily for others). However, I have instances where I am reminded. It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I'm telling you this to help you have a better understanding of it. I know some things are "triggers" for flashbacks. Flashbacks are very emotional and can be terrifying. Imagine going about your daily life and suddenly you are back in the most painful experience of your life - you come "back" to reality feeling all the emotional turmoil that, at that time, you had no way to process and you may also have your body "remembering" the pain from the same experience you just flashed back to. I do try to make allowances for them emotionally. I pray for God's comfort and strength and try to move on. The thing with PTSD is that there can be times when you have flashbacks without the usual "triggers" or warnings. For me, it usually happens when I'm already stressed. Flashbacks usually lead to depressions. So I have the stress of the past situation revisiting and then depression to compound the emotional overload.
Before coming to Christ, when I'd try to explain this to Christians they'd at first be sympathetic. If I returned to them, that's when they'd often seem annoyed and give me all the reason why I should let it go and not talk about it. In all honesty, it was this misunderstanding coupled with the lies told to me while I was being abused as a child that for so many years helped keep me from committing myself to God.
God is merciful. HE put a Christian in my life who listened to me tirelessly, never judged me, supported me emotionally, and continually told me that I was not too damaged for God to love me (Thanks Justin). Through this kind, gentle Christian, God let me know that I too am worthy of HIS love. HE continues to put people in my life (Thanks Rini, Teddy, Sean, and Greg) to remind me that HE loves me - HE loved me then, HE loves me now, HE loves me forever. I am continually amazed at HIS persistence with me.
Through the speech that Toby McKeehan gave, God let so many people know that HE loved them and that they could talk to HIM. There were over 70,000 people in the crowd, many of whom were there for the secular bands who were also playing that night. How many non-Christians were effected that night because Toby had the courage to speak those words? If someone tells you that they're being abused or have been abused, what will you do? Will you be a Christian who helps God bring those who have been abused and emotionally scarred to HIS arms? Will you be the good Samaritian who doesn't pass his broken neighbor?
Sites to check:
"JESUS LOVE U2" - www.geocities.com/Heartland/Trail/5697/abuse.htm
CARPE AETERNUM - www.geocities.com/Wolfeagle.com
J. MICHAEL PUBLISHING - www.jmichaelpublishing.com
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Email: shaken@angelfire.com