I have good friends in my life who help to steer me towards the Lord. However, this has not always been the case. When I was growing up, we weren't really allowed to have friends. I know this sounds strange. I've said it often enough to people to know what the reaction is that you're having right now. My sisters and I were kept fairly isolated. My parents didn't want people to know what was happening inside our house - so there weren't sleep overs and I didn't get to spend the night. The kids next door came over to play and, now and again, I'd be allowed to do so. More frequently than not, though, as I grew older, there were things to be done rather than play. My step-father always seem to have some form of manual labor that had to be done as soon as he saw them coming. So instead of having lasting childhood friendships, I now have back pain from very old injuries caused by the manual labor.
GOD AND FRIENDSHIP
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999
I remember distinctly
my step-father screaming
"There are no such
things as friends."
My ears were left ringing
down my cheeks were streaming
lines upon lines of pain.
Only as an adult
did I learn with a fault
that friends could
actually exist.
What I found to be true
was though friends may love you
from time to time you'll be let down.
I can cry, be ill at ease,
promise to let my heart freeze
at the end of the day
I only am alone.
I can swallow this pill
get control of my will
remembering that God
is the only true constant.
You can probably tell from the above poem that I am still learning the dynamics of how friendships work. It's a give and take relationship - but that's the way God intended it. It's something I should have learned in my own childhood. Sometimes a friend will let you down, it happens and we have to accept it. Friends are not always perfect. We have to teach our small children to accept that and not be so frustrated that they want to end the relationship over an imperfection or a minor let down. "Little Susie/Tommy couldn't come over to play because she/he was sick. You'll get to play another time. You can still be friends." Smooth things over for the little ones and they will learn compassion - maybe instead of being angry they will want to send little Susie/Tommy a get well soon card. That's the sort of thing a true friend would do.
CUTE DISTRACTION
-Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
I was a cute distraction
I was an easy ride
I was a thing to throw away
I was never in sight
Just a voice across the lines
never something real
just a thing for amusement
never suspecting how I feel
Only emptiness now
where friendship seemed to thrive
only a word thrown here or there
because your interest has died
I'm the one to blame
I let my heart go out
I'm the one in pain
since our conversation went south
I was a cute distraction
I've no more ways to distract you
better to walk away and pray
than to stay here and stay blue
However, we also have to teach our children to be on guard against those who say they are friends but have a different agenda in mind. I had to have a talk with my daughter about this recently. There was a child who would be her friend sometimes (when the older kids that she would hang with weren't around) and then other times would just be cruel to her (ripped my heart out for my daughter to come home crying about it). I had to explain to her that that is not what a friendship is. It wasn't easy but I think she understands.
In my own childhood, aside from the isolation, I was the "cooty girl" - the unpopular mouse in the corner. When I was very young I was unmercifully teased and taunted by all but a handful and at times beaten - all because I was poor, kept isolated, and (by my own admission) a little strange. In my teenage years, I was still strange but things were a less awkward. Some respected me for my writing (which began at age 11 with short stories). Others were asking for my help with homework (I had a good grade point average). Still, there was the isolation that kept strong friendships from forming even though I felt starved for companionship. Sometimes I still feel that desperation for someone familiar. It makes it harder for me when I come to a point where I see that a relationship is unhealthy - for both parties - and I know, I know that I have to let go of that person.
BETRAYAL
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999
I felt it when you left me
I felt it when you turned away
You left so quietly
with nothing really left to say
I felt the vacuum in my life
it started forming immediately
as you slipped quietly out the door
connections gone for all eternity
You never wanted me where I was
only needed me for a fix
I brought you close to your addiction
you used me like a trick
Do I feel betrayed that you let go?
That you truly cared so little for me?
Am I really hurt so deeply?
Are you so blind that you can't see?
I felt that moment of separation
I wish that I'd said goodbye
but I had hopes to repair our loss
while your main concern was reaching that high
Some people say that it's never too late
indeed here my trust was shattered
you are still prepared to chase an illusion
the Lord and friendships don't really matter
this is how I say goodbye
this is how I say I have reached an end
I cannot try to hold to you, I'd be caught in your mire
I must continue my journey in life, so goodbye my friend
Please note that I'll pray for you
I won't forget your pain
but I have made your severing complete
here is where you cannot return again.
I believe that at age 30 I have learned what friendship really means. It's a healthy give and take relationship. It's not just one person giving to the other all the time. And I freely admit that I have not always been a good friend to others. I know that there have been times in my life where I was the one let go of because I was constantly taking instead of being there for the other party. It's not something I'm proud of but something I do keep in mind in my current friendships. It's not all about me. It's about me and my friend and, most importantly, about God. Ideally, we should reflect our relationship with Christ through our friendships. Friends should be a blessing. Friends are there for one another through the good, the bad, and the really ugly times. Friends can talk with each other honestly because of the feeling of trust. I want my friends to feel comfortable enough to correct me in my walk and I want to be able to feel safe enough to do the same with them. A friend can be someone next door, a few miles away, a greeting in the mailbox, or a voice across the Internet lines. A friend is a missing piece that God puts in your life to help to fill your heart.
FRIENDS
-Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
Friends are blessings
I wish blessings on you
Friends are treasures
I am so thankful you're so true
Friends are a wonder
You leave me constantly surprised
Friends are a comfort
your love shines through your eyes
Friends are smiles from God
you're His love in reflection
Friends are miracles
you'd never leave me to dejection
Friends are worth celebrating
I wish you a party for a life
Friends are for rejoicing
I wish your days to have spice
God bless you, my dear friends!
Dedicated to: Justin, Rini, Sean, and Teddy.
Until next time, go hug a friend - in person or across the wires. God be with you, keep you close, and bless you deeply. Peace, love, and forgiveness.
In Christian love,
Leslie Elain