A Small Drastic Miracle - 1/29/2001
Welcome to this edition of the ring. I wanted to speak to an anniversary that you might have heard about this week. Oddly enough it falls in the same week as an anniversary of something that God created in my life. I thought I'd share it and a few thoughts with you.
WHY WHINE
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
I am a burr beneath your saddle
an unending irritation
that I held a mirror up
and whispered, "see"
I wonder that I am so wrong
for wanting healing and understanding
Eleven years ago this week God chose to make a drastic alteration in my life. Due to this alteration, the way I look at things began to change. Some to a very dramatic degree. Before this alteration took place, I believed that abortion was a choice that every woman had a right to. My mind was changed by a simple argument that God placed before me.
My husband and I had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary when I discovered that I was pregnant. We had taken precautions but they had failed. We were both Juniors in college. The only jobs we had were work-study programs. We both knew that a baby at this time would not only jeopardize our Bachelor degrees but would strap us financially (and emotionally).
I sat there in the student clinic feeling somewhat terrified to receive the news. The nurse was reassuring, however, and told me that if I wanted, this could be "taken care of" and I could finish my degree without any hassles. I couldn't make a decision then so I took the pamphlet about the procedure and left. I wasn't a Christian then. Still, this was a struggle for me knowing the hardships that would be brought upon our family. On the other hand, I had known I was pregnant before setting foot in the student health clinic. It may sound strange to hear me say that I sensed my child within me. I sensed that there was another life force present. My decision came down to my being unable to deny this other life was present.
WHITE PICKET CROSSES
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
Lil white picket crosses
burden a barren field
no mourning has filled
the souls of countless mothers
against a tide of blood they huddle
screaming their rights
against the eternity of wind
while the fields grow ever shadowed
I will not deny that we were far from prepared to become parents. Having our daughter has effected decisions that we've made for the last eleven years - from my not finishing my degree so that I could spend time with her in those early years, to my entering therapy to work through issues from an abusive childhood, to the jobs both my husband and I have taken, to the locations where we chose to live. That ripple effect continues. I do not regret becoming a mother at 21, as unprepared and unsteady as I was. I wonder fleetingly at times how radically different my life might have been had I made the other decision. Somehow, though, the image never comes through in vibrant lovely colors.
Eleven years after sitting in that clinic, I can't believe that I even considered leaving her for a moment. I sit here unable (in part) to understand how anyone can not sense, even deny, the presence of another life force. She wasn't just a glob of connected cells, she was a life, even in those first weeks. God let me sense this. HE let me feel that this little life could love me. That was God's drastic miracle that has forever altered my life and, I might add, my eternity.
HEAVEN MADE NO ANGELS
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 1987 (note the date)
Heaven made no Angels
for me to hold
And so, throughout my life
my heart shall grow cold
Heaven made no Angels
to make me care
They are only statues
who answer with a cold stare
Heaven made no Angels
for me to kiss
And so, the joy of affection
I'll forever miss
Heaven made no Angels
to be my companion
I walk alone
my thoughts are random
Heaven made no Angels
for me to love with my heart
My mind flies like a dove
as my emotions are torn apart
Heaven made no Angels
and so, I am alone
I stagger through life
with a heart of stone
So why are there so many abortions? Why is it that so many do not feel the same as I? Perhaps the answers lie in the changes that I underwent. How many walk around believing that life is of no worth? (Note the above poem wrote when I a freshman in college just fallen out of love). We are an accident on this planet spinning through space towards a meaningless future. During the 20th century the devaluation of life has been widespread. For me it was hard to believe that my life had any worth because of my childhood. I wasn't protected from the abuse. No one listened to me when I tried to tell them about what was happening. Apparently my life and the pain that dwelled within it had no value - I wasn't worth listening to or paying attention to. How many times had I wished I hadn't been born at all? How many times did I rail against God for the curse of my existence? How many people are walking around right now with the same attitude that I once held? If people don't believe that their own lives have any worth, why would they believe that the life of an unborn "thing" would have any more value?
I am thankful that God inserted a small drastic miracle into my life that day eleven years ago. So many positive changes have occurred since then. I am alive today because of the smile, the laughter, the love of my God as seen and felt through my child. My life has value not because I am a mother, but because I am a creation of my God. I know my life has value because so often HE has went out of HIS way to show me things. I pray this can happen in the lives of so many others. I pray that they do not make "the other choice" when there is so much more that can be available to them (whether they raise the child or allow a miracle into someone else's life).
Thanks for listening. I know this is a controversial subject so if you'd like to voice your opinion back at me feel free to do so. Thanks for your support! God be with you and bless you.
Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Leslie E. Johnson
Back to the Main Page
Email: shaken@angelfire.com