-Leslie E. Johnson copyright 1999
Jeremy Tines was returning to his alma mater, not as a student but as a speaker. Modesty was a topic that seemed to be gaining acceptance again among the young. That he was there to give a speech on "A Return to Virtue" seemed, to him, laughable as he stepped down the halls to a rendevous with memory.
The old buildings still stood. Built of sturdy rock and mortar, they would stand the test of time although now and again needing renovations. While Jeremy visited the campus, Justin's Hall was undergoing such renovations. After a lunch with an over-booked Dean, he excused himself for a solo tour of his old haunts.
It was autumn, just as it had been back in Jeremy's youth the last time he walked this path. His feet shuffled through the leaves. The crunches set him down a mental path - back to her. Is there nothing he could do to free himself from her haunting? He pondered to himself. He wasn't young and stupid anymore but he wasn't quite wise with age either. Flecks of white were no longer just timidly appearing at the edges of his emotion worn face. Her ring clicked against it's chain inside his shirt as he walked, pushing the memories along.
{Tell me is there balm in Gilead?}
Had he just heard her voice? Was that her laughter? {Quoth the Raven, nevermore!} That was Jessica's poem, "The Raven." She lived to pour over, as she would put it, "Edgar's works." She lived in a dream world of literature.
"C'mon, Jeremy. Who's gonna know?"
"Jessica, I don't think it would be a good idea."
She'd sighed deeply then and rolled her eyes. She turned to face him as she talked, walking backwards through the leaves. She smiled that smile. Oh, Jessica, don't melt me. But it was already too late. He was there, traveling the memory as he traversed the distance to Justin's Hall.
"Now, Jeremy, you haven't been much fun since you started going with them."
"Please don't start."
She took his hand, still smiling that brilliant smile. A sudden gust of wind caught up the leaves and swirled them. Her hair flared around her head like some cross between a halo and wings. Had she wanted to fly?
"C'mon," she urged again. The twinkle in her eyes deepened. Yes. There. Her beauty was greatest there. {She walks in beauty like the night.} If only he'd said no. Instead, he'd only returned her smile and allowed her to pull him along.
The daylight filtered through the trees. The sky was a deep blue. Everything was clear. In his mind, it was a night where warmth was needed. They crept quietly up the back stairwell. Who didn't know that the door latch was broken? How many others had used this same door to sneak up? The doors were propped open for renovation purposes. Ventilation perhaps. Easier access. Jeremy met no resistance as he quietly ascended the stairs. The crews were either out to lunch or in another part of the building.
The fifth floor, he stopped. The door was recently painted. Now a soft blue with a metallic number, but in his mind it was that dingy white with the big black painted "five." She had turned to smile again as she'd turned the knob. "C'mon," she whispered again.
The hall was deadly silent. One, two, three, four. His shoes clicked softly on the floor and the ring clicked against it's chain as he counted the doors on the left to her room. "Edgar would have liked my number 13 room." His hand went heavily to the door knob. There was a hesitation. A wave of deep sadness crept over him. He couldn't walk away now. How many years had he avoided this place? He'd taken the speech assignment specifically to come here. Now. It was time. The door opened with a gentle creak. The room was bare of anything personal now. The usual furniture was there but devoid of personality. This isn't what he saw. She ran to the window and flung it open wide. The screens she had removed and were stationed close by in case of an inspection. The smell of scented candles mingled with the smell of autumn leaves that wafted in through the open window.
"Oh, Jeremy, isn't it beautiful? All those stars." She turned back to him as he shut the door. She'd draped the furniture in dark throws. An Amish quilt in dark hues lay across the bed and a piece of a Victorian crazy quilt she'd rescued hung framed at the head of her bed. The room spoke volumes of her. She held out her hand for him. There was no hesitation. He joined her at the window.
Truly the stars seemed brighter that night. Jessica looked at him. She leaned in so close. She smelled of a perfume made with what she termed as "exotic spices." Her youth, her life was an intoxication. Their lips met and she let her tongue slide through. How many times had they held hands? How many times had they kissed? But this was a moment of electricity.
"I want it tonight," she'd spoken in a breath, their lips barely parted from the kiss.
"What?" Then, "Jessica ... I ... maybe we shouldn't. I should leave."
The smile had turned. Her face turned back to the window. Jeremy turned to leave. Her disconnected voice phrased, "What are you afraid of?"
He paused halfway to the door. Without turning, " I am not afraid. It's a choice I've made. Why can't you live with it?"
"Because it doesn't suit you well, Jeremy." There was something in her voice. It hadn't been there before. "It doesn't suit me either."
He turned to try to catch the emotion. That waiver in her voice. He had to try to make her understand. As he turned, he saw her sitting on the window sill. The windows were large with a wonderful little ledge to prop your feet on while dangling on the sill. It offered a spectacular view from that height.
"Jessica! Please don't do that. You know it makes me nervous. Please come in from the cold."
"I'm not cold, Jeremy. I can prove that to you." She paused and looked at him directly. "Just give me a chance."
There was no thought. Jeremy returned to the window.
"Jessica. I just want to wait. It has nothing to do with you."
"It has everything to do with me." She turned away from him to look out at the night. That night .. {What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?}
"I am not rejecting you. This is not a rejection ..." He never finished.
"Jeremy," she interrupted in a quiet voice, "I've lost you, haven't I? How can I compete?" He could here her tears. To reassure her, he rested his hands on her shoulders. It only made her sob more deeply. She burst out with, "All I can offer you is my love. I can give myself to you totally. I swear to you, there will never be another man. Jeremy please don't leave me."
"I don't want to leave. I HAVE to leave." It was so hard. Had to find the right words but they didn't exist. They never would for that night.
"But I am not leaving you, Jessica. I want you to come with me. You make them sound so bad. It wouldn't be torture to hang with them a few times and see what it's like. They really are cool. It's not what you think it's like."
"I will NOT go back, Jeremy!" She pulled away from him. "They may offer you ‘salvation' but what do they offer me? Huh?! ‘Just sit down and shut up lil miss and learn your place.'"
"That is your father talking. That's not them ..."
"Why not go ahead and look up in the Bible what size stick to beat me with!"
"I've told you before, that's not in there." He began to pace a little as he spoke. "That was your father. It was his means of control. It's not the truth and it's not what they are about." As he turned in his final pace, his eyes grew wide with fear at the scene of Jessica standing on the ledge outside the window.
"Jessica, come back in honey. Please." Oh please, Jessica, please.
"Prove your love to me, Jeremy. You ask me to make this commitment to you. All I ask is that you prove your love."
{But screw your courage to the sticking place and we shall not fail.}
"How, Jessica?" He was frozen with fear.
"Make love to me."
"It's a little hard to do while you're out there." Please, Jessica, please.
"Tell me that you will, and mean it, and I'll come in."
"Jessica, you know that I'd do anything for you. Please ... "
The waiver in her voice returned now. "Oh, Jeremy ... " The sobs from the ledge intensified.
"Come in, Jessica .... Our love will be the stuff of legends.... " He tried to smile. " Please ... Come in... " Jeremy tried again to reach for her but she wretched away almost losing her balance. The wind played at the edges of her dress. Her hair swirled about her again, half halo, half wings.
"Are you really choosing old myths over me?"
"They aren't myths. Jessica .." His voice choked back tears. "If you'd just come with me a time or two you'd understand."
"No ... no. It's you who don't understand. You don't hang with me or our friends anymore. You say we lead you to ‘temptations.' Those were your words, Jeremy. You want me to come with you. You want me to go through some miraculous transformation and loose myself as you have." She turned her face from him and looked back out into the night. "No. NO! I worked hard to figure out who I was - without Daddy - and now you want me to throw it away?" She looked directly into his eyes. Within hers were both heat and tears. "For what, Jeremy? You can't even prove your love for me."
"I asked you to marry me. I placed a ring upon your finger. Doesn't that say anything to you?"
"I was good enough for you before but now you have to make an ‘honest woman' out of me before anything can happen now." She paused. She wasn't looking at him. She was looking below at the sidewalk and the autumn flowers planted in their little beds. When she resumed her voice seem so tiny. "I can't do this, Jeremy. I'm not ready. Maybe I'm not even the person you thought I was, or thought I could be."
It was more than he could bear. Jeremy reached for her again to pull her in. Even if she rejected him, her behavior was too reckless tonight, too dangerous.
He tried a poetic line, hoping to please her, tempt her back to safety. "Come in, Jessica. Please ... We'll make love until the stars fall. Please ... "
She smiled knowing full well she'd won. She was sure that it was only a matter of time before she'd have the old Jeremy back. Then and only then in her mind would things be good again. Jessica turned slightly to take his hand. Her foot began to slip. Before Jeremy could even react to catch her and pull her in, he saw her go down. She didn't fall outward, just straight down. Her head hit the side of the wall and the ledge on the way down. There was not even a scream. There was no time. She was simply ... gone.
Jeremy came back to himself. How many years did it take before he'd come to realize that it wasn't his fault? How many years would pass before the guilt would not eat away at him? He had made his choice before that night and he had stayed with it as he would to his own end.
He took her ring out. He still wore it on the chain around his neck. Her "free soul," as she called it, had chosen an antique with an intricate design. It was a thing of complication and beauty much like herself. Jeremy held it in his hands and prayed. He stood by the window, head bowed as the light filtered in. Silence with the exception of a lone songbird that sang to no one in particular from a tree across the way.
Jeremy opened his eyes. He had prayed hard but found no sense of relief. He looked down at the ring. Her ring. Suddenly he saw something in it's intricacies that he hadn't noticed before. In all these years. The pattern seemed suddenly so brilliantly clear - interlocking ithicas and crosses. It wasn't possible. But there it was.
{All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.}
Jeremy sat in a chair by the window for the longest time. The release had swept over him. The tears had swallowed him whole. Now he could walk out of this room and leave behind what was left. It was almost time to go to the auditorium. His speech on holding to virtues had been written.