Dream Edition - 3/2/2000
Hello again! Welcome to this edition. I apologize again for it's lateness. I do want the ring to be a regular occurrence. Lately however, life has gotten weird. We are going to lose the family farm - it's been in my husband's family for nearly 200 years. We have been unable to find employment in the area. My husband has secured employment in his field of expertise but the job is located in Indiana. So I'll be moving again soon. I hate the thought of packing and unpacking and saying goodbye. However, I like the thought of stability in my home.
I guess it's the recent instability in my life that has produced some interesting dreams. I sometimes dream so vividly - and in color. Dreams can so effect how you perceive things upon awakening. Last week I had a dream that I arrived in a time where people no longer knew of God. I was in an assembly hall and everyone around me was preparing to worship this statue of an animal. The people next to me, knowing that I was an outsider, a newcomer (an alien, if you will), were explaining to me what was about to happen. I felt shocked. Just before the ceremony was about to begin, things got quiet, and I screamed out, "GOD IS ALIVE!" Everyone in the assembly hall stopped and looked at me. They were wide-eyed. I added, "HE loves you!" The dream shifted. People were crowding around me asking questions about this "God" I was talking about. Then, from out of the crowd, appeared these twins (that I had known in like 7th grade) and they asked me how I could believe and trust in God with what I had been through. Where had this "God" been, they asked, when I was a child? I began calmly and happily giving them the answer as the dream faded. I awoke from the dream feeling such a sense of elation - of being alive - and I praised God.
YOU COME TO ME
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1995
You come to me
in my dreams
and save me from the fear
You come to me
like a sweet melody
and lull me into cheer
You come to me
with whispers
and make me forget the shame
You come to me
in winter's darkness
and I'll always call your name
Not all my dreams are as nice as the one I described. I admit that I have periods of unsettled sleep where I wake from dreams near to screams or in tears. I lie in my bed in the grips of terrible fears and have to calm myself into believing that there is no one else in the room with me. Nothing from my dreams has followed me out into the night. Too afraid to even leave the bed at times, I just pray with deep intensity. It's the only thing I can do and I have found that it helps. Eventually I am able to go back to sleep. God is creative beyond measure and HE can use even these dreams to strengthen my faith by shifting them in my mind.
FACING DOWN DADDY
-Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
I turned to face him
though I felt the fear
I prepared for battle
as he drew near
he said that he came
in peace with no malice
I refused to believe
as I became off balanced
"I can offer you so much -
control, power, strength, oblivion."
Fire blazed through his eyes
Too late for even God to deliver him
"I bestowed gifts on you -
a child of sin and violence.
The pain can end so easily
just release your conscience.
Go from victim to victor!
Think of yourself before others.
Take from your children,
your neighbors, your brother."
I felt myself weaken
felt that surge of fear and guilt
I was his daughter
though no relationship was ever built
he left me shy of five
a malformed and damaged child
he imagined he offered kindness
binding in pain all the while
"Don't you want the pleasure
when it runs so deep?!"
His face turned a disgusted grin,
"No ... you'd rather be a worthless sheep."
I straightened up my back
and took in a drought of air
"You offer me only death as before
and I don't see how you dare
come to me in this fashion!
Flames of pain devour your soul,
before me you fall to punishment
knowing you can never be whole!
Yet you had hoped in vain
that this connection of blood
would bind me to you
when you never understood LOVE!
Love is no weakness, Daddy.
It's the only way to life.
I refuse to accept or believe
your evil and misleading advice.
Go back to hell, Daddy,
too many millstones ‘round your neck.
Burning and drowning for eternity -
that's the way you stacked your deck.
I will not follow you."
I turned my back to leave
walk away from his sin
to something I could believe.
At my back was an angel
smiling at my choice
a thousand hearts within me
fluttered to rejoice!
I heard Daddy scream
facing punishment that he'd failed.
I refused to turn and look
as demons dragged him back to hell.
"Come with me to your True Father."
The angel took me by my hand
led me away without fear or doubt
to the eternal promised land
We all make choices in our lives. Some bring us closer to God. Some pull us away from God. I have come to face the fact that the two fathers I had in my childhood both made choices that pulled them (and others - including myself) away from God. They now face an eternity without the loving hand of God. I came out of my childhood and, in many situations, was ill equipped to make healthy choices. I have turned my life to change that and bring myself closer to God and a healthier state of mind and being.
I have also come to understand that God is not to blame. Where was God when I was a child in pain? HE was right there with me. No matter what happens in our lives - rather the choices we make or the choices of others put us in pain and pulls us away from HIM, HE stays with us. HE holds us. HE cries with us. At times, HE carries us. HE did not ignore me. God does not turn a deaf ear to the screams of a child in pain nor does HE turn a blind eye to the sins that cause a child to suffer. That was the answer I gave in that dream. HE loves me and HE was with me. HE kept me alive then and HE keeps me alive now — I just didn't know it then. Knowing these things has helped me find a sense of peace and has helped me to forgive others - though I can write a whole other edition about how I came to that point after a long road of rough travel.
ANSWERS TO A PEPPERED LIFE
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999
My Lord You have peppered my life
with experiences that make me empathize
I once saw it as a curse
but it is a blessing I can now rationalize
My Lord I used to scream at You
I was always demanding and questioning why
if only I had held myself still
I'd have understood and seen the love in Your eyes
I can forgive others without problem
I look past my own wounds and see their pain
others don't understand how this happens
I just learned how to open my heart and let the Master reign
But sometimes it comes to this
the past weighs me down and I forget
to forgive myself for my mistakes
I turn to my Lord in prayer and release my lament
Remember to love your neighbor as yourself
but if you hate yourself how can you love another
Releasing all and not holding back from the Lord
is the simple answer to a complicated puzzle
Lord my life has been a mix
a variety of pains and pleasures have paraded through
when it is all said and done I find only one truth
that the only path to inner peace is when I follow YOU
I pray that God speaks to you through beautiful dreamscapes and whispers love and healing into your heart. I'll close this edition with those thoughts. As always, I appreciate and welcome your thoughts, comments, questions, prayer requests - basically anything that you e-mail to me!
God be with you, hold you close, and bless you deep. Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Leslie Elain
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Email: shaken@angelfire.com