God Talkin' Version - 3/9/2000
IN A DARKENED ROOM
-Skid Row lyrics by Rachel Bolan
In a darkened room/ beyond the reach of God's faith/ lies the wounded/ the shattered remains of love betrayed/ And the innocence of a child is bought and sold/ in the name of the damned/ The rage of the angels left silent and cold/ Forgive them please/ for they know not what they do/ How can I keep inside the hurt I know is true?
Chorus: Tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie/ that bears a scar of sin too deep/ I hide behind this fear of running unto you/ Please let there be light ... in a darkened room
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Part of a song I used to listen to quite often in my "BC days." Basically it talks about a hurt so deep that one fears turning even to the Lord because trust has been so shattered. Strange where you can find God sometimes.... But that's just the way HE is. You can find God anywhere you look, if you're willing to open your eyes to HIM.
RESPITE AND NEPENTHE
- Leslie Johnson copyright 1998
Respite and nepenthe
my Lord I pray
Respite and nepenthe
no pain from yesterday
Respite and nepenthe
no more of the past
Respite and nepenthe
give me peace that lasts
Respite and nepenthe
let the battle armaments fall
Respite and nepenthe
let me answer the call
Respite and nepenthe
the obsession must be quit
Respite and nepenthe
stop this possessive fit
Respite and nepenthe
let the body rest
Respite and nepenthe
end my fleshly quests
Respite and nepenthe
from the terrors of the mind
Respite and nepenthe
from the horrors that bind
Respite and nepenthe
let me loose the pain
Respite and nepenthe
that Your love may be gained
Respite and nepenthe
Your arms I crave
Respite and nepenthe
free me from the grave
Respite and nepenthe
take my life
Respite and nepenthe
no cherishing earthly delights
Respite and nepenthe
from envious demands
Respite and nepenthe
in Your promised land
Respite and nepenthe
Oh Lord I pray
Respite and nepenthe
for the rest of my days
I could almost swear sometimes that God is on the internet, though I can't pin down any particular website or e-mail address. However, I can hear what he's saying to me quite clearly. A few weeks ago I sent out an e-mail ring - the "message edition" - in which I whined that there were no Christian artists out there speaking about the effects of abuse, the trauma it causes in forming a relationship with God, and the healing from such abuse as a Christian. Well, God cleared HIS throat and said, "Leslie, could you please take a look at this." "This" would be a couple of articles. One would be an article about the Katinas which detailed the emotionally distant relationship which they had with their father for many years that has just recently been healed. The second part of "this" was even bigger. The latest issue of CCM magazine has Jennifer Knapp on the cover and an article inside which more than shook me. Seems that she comes from a past similar to my own - though specifics of her childhood are left muddled. She didn't come to Christ until she was in college. She said, "Most of the people that were leading me to Christ had never seen anybody in their lives like me. They were not as broken as I was."
HEAVEN FELL DOWN
- Leslie Johnson copyright 2000 (right after reading Ms. Knapp's interview)
You said You knew me
You said You'd always be true
You said You'd bring me life
teach me things I never knew
Cool water's running down
all down my heart and face
baptism in faith and tears
You whispered in Your grace
Heaven fell down on me
when You sighed in my ear
You told me, "I love you."
and bid me draw near
Turn my mind in disgust
looking back at my disgrace
How can I not let go
and fall into Your embrace
One night's journey into love
began a turn in fates
One act of whispering my name
You told me it's not too late
Heaven fell down unseen
angels sang a blinding refrain
You told me, "I love you."
to break all my chains
My Lord, You let Heaven fall down
the only way to prove
make me see the truth
that it's safe to come to You
Broken, damaged, shattered ... these are terms that I have used to describe my soul, myself. I used to listen to artists that talked about how wounded they were. It felt good to know that I wasn't alone in the pain that I was feeling. Others knew what it was like too. The difference between them and Christian artists is that Christian artists let you know that God has touched them and, though they may not be fully healed, they know that they can let go of the pain and not fear. There are many people out there that, though they are damaged by pain and hate feeling it, are afraid to let go of it for fear - trust has been so shattered. They fear that even God will let them down; and pain and loneliness are constants that are dependable to always be there at 1:00 in the morning when you wake in tears.
ASCENSION FROM HELL
- Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
Vaguely I remember
as a babe
understanding death
huddling fearfully
in a dark place
legs drawn to chest
silent tears sliding
unanswering as my name was called
"Elain"
My body aches
internal sobs
wreak havoc on my thoughts
need to reach out
need to call out
to someone from this darkness
but still I find myself
unable
to reach for
to ask for
YOU
I reach for another instead
who spurns me as he should
whispering for me to
say YOUR NAME
"Eloi"
My Lord
I pray
free this child
from her internal cage
Light our world afire
banishing darkness forever
I am not completely healed. I may not be fully healed until the moment that I see God's face and begin my eternal life in HIS Light. All I know for sure is that I never felt more alive, more free within this world than when I turned my life to Christ. I can say that with all certainty because I have looked into other religions and philosophies. I did a "test drive" with a few and found every one of them lacking. I had such trouble turning myself back to the God who in my childhood I had been told by my abusers approved of what was happening to me. But that was a lie. One of many that I am having to unteach myself.
YOU WERE THERE
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999 (after hearing Pete Stewart's album for the 1st time)
Lord
I think of all the times
I sat upon my tragedies to whine
YOU were there
whether or not I was
capable to hear
whether or not
I was capable to feel YOUR grace
when I was unable to see
when I had too much to feel
when I was numb
I knew I sinned with
hand and mind and tongue
YOU stayed by me
YOU didn't leave me
to the grave
YOU took my hand
and led me away
from my poisonous gaze
All those times
Lord
I didn't die
still wanting for YOUR love
Instead YOU kissed
this treacherous babe
with blessings
pick up the pen
to reclaim your soul and mind
pick up the pen
ink the unending refrain
over and over I write
over and over I come to know
YOU were always there
Lord I can feel YOU now
Something else that God has recently clued me to is that even though I am not completely healed, I can still help others. My frank honesty about what I have went through and about what I am still working through because of it has helped others. Since the "message edition" went out I have received e-mail from people who want to help someone they know who has gone through some trauma. I told them all the same thing: Be endlessly patient with the person. Be there for them when no one else would dare come close. And pray for them ceaselessly. Be a good Christian friend - the type of friend that Christ has called us to be.
TO THE FRAIL HEART
-Leslie Johnson copyright 2000 (for a dear friend who needs care)
My friend
we've come to another end
a moment that stops in time and space
emotions are held in just one place
Where the pain becomes intense
air unbreathable - just too dense
body too heavy to move
and no comfort seems to soothe
And though I know your heart is frail
there's still something I've got to tell
you know that I love you
but only God can pull you through
My friend
you have to know that you can start again
all the pain can be healed
your fate is not yet sealed
I will help you along the way
hold your had day to day
whisper comforting words
that I'm unsure that you've heard
And though I know your heart is frail
there's still something I've got to tell
I can do all that I can do
but only God can pull you through
My friend
take my hand and we'll begin
just take a step towards a smile
one step in a journey of a thousand miles
it won't happen overnight
your heart needs to heal before a flight
God has given a friend to you
to help you laugh when you're blue
And though I know your heart is frail
there's still something I've got to tell
your heart can be made like new
if you let God pull you through
And though I know your heart is frail
there's still something I've got to tell
you know that I love you
my friend, please know God loves you too
[Why does God keep sending me poems with music when I can't play even one instrument?]
My God is working, I feel, to make me fearless to talk about my past and my struggles with it in my Christian life. Truly, as hard as HE has worked to bring me to HIM and as fulfilling as HE makes it feel when I learn that I have helped another with a few simple words, what other conclusion could I draw? There are others out there who are in pain who have not yet found Christ. I want to help comfort them. I want to let God use me to work in their lives (or basically however HE chooses to use me) because serving HIM to such an end brings me such incredible joy that I could never have imagined in my BC days.
SOUL KISS
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999
My Lord
my soul is hurting
aching from loss of love
I feel the
empty quietness
opening wide
a void
Lord, kiss my soul
bridge this ravine
make the lonely
heartache
less than it seems
close the chasm
gapping wide
fill it with all of YOU
Just a simple kiss
and I'll be whole
completely mended
through
I close my eyes
I pray and wait
for the touch of YOUR
embrace
YOUR kiss heals
my soul
My Lord
You've always loved me
I'll close for now. Please feel free to e-mail questions and comments to me at shaken@angelfire.com. God be with you and keep you and yours. Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Leslie Elain
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Email: shaken@angelfire.com