Loving Mothers Edition - 6/25/2000
[Written while listening to Audra and Alayna's song "Ponder This" off their self-titled debut album. Awesome music - give it a check.]
Welcome to this edition of the poetry ring. I wanted to take a different turn with this ring. I want to bring you the stories of three women, all of whom are strong, who have in one way or another lost a child. Through the grace of our Heavenly Father each child is returned with resounding effecting in His will.
MOTHER'S LOVE
- Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
Little baby
sleeping silently
Oh little baby
taken up to glory
While you walked this earth
little peace was found
warmth in mother's arms
picking flowers from the ground
You left behind all tears
looked heavenly up above
swept in angel's arms
to eternal peace and love
Hold your memory close
washed in breathless tears
see you soon again
of that I have no fear
Little baby
sleeping endlessly
Oh little baby
held by a Father Heavenly
This May when Grandma Johnson decorated the grave of her little baby, I had this sing song poem come to me. The baby died around the age of one. I can not even imagine the pain that she must have felt then. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears to imagine it. Fifty years later, Grandma still feels the sting of his death. When she talks about him, I see the glimmers of tears form in her eyes, though those tears rarely are allowed to slide now. She is coming now to the end of her life. She has lived the good life and knows that through the grace of God, she will be reunited with her little one - lost to her a half century ago but soon to be reunited for all eternity. The thought of heaven brings her a child's joy. She has lived the good life.
REMEMBER ME
- Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
She was young and so blind
the world seemed too unkind
but she made the choice for life
though she knew it'd bring strife.
When the day came to say goodbye
she held him close so he wouldn't cry.
To God she rested his care
looking into the blue eyes they shared.
She knew she would miss
the babe she wished to always kiss
Singing, "Remember me.
Hold me close to your heart
though we must part."
She rocked in the chair singing,
"Remember me.
Someday, I believe,
God will send you to me
to bring sweet blessings."
So with love and with grief
and a timeless belief
she sings, "Remember me."
From that moment of goodbyes
she wondered how time could fly.
Over his memory many a tear she cried.
Waiting not so patiently
wishing she could hold him lovingly.
Then the moment finally arrived
again to look into those eyes
singing, "Remember me?
I held you close to my heart
all this time apart."
She cried thankful tears, singing,
"Remember me?
I held onto belief
God would bring you to me
singing remember me.
God must truly love you and me
to grant this blessing.
So son, I sing - remember me."
Into those eyes she slipped
knowing his love wouldn't quit.
God completed her heart
with her son, she made a new start.
A song for the King
in adoration she sings,
"Remember me ......"
I have a friend who as a young woman in the 1960's found herself "with child." At the time (and with some circumstances out of her control), she didn't really have any other choice but to put the baby up for adoption. She told me tearfully about the day she had to say goodbye to her baby. A nurse brought him to her and allowed her an hour with him in a rocking chair. She never really said goodbye to him. For thirty years, she waited, hoping that he would look for her. Then a few years ago, he did search for her. His return to her life set off an incredible chain of events. Most importantly, he helped to wake her up to the need for a closer relationship with Christ. I see this as one of God's purposes in restoring this baby to her life as a fully grown, beautiful man of God.
CHASM BREACHING
- Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
Cutting all ties
nothing left to bind
and still I cling
hoping for the phone to ring
praying for a bit of normalcy
a conversation with relevancy
the past is a stumble
betrayals left unmumbled
Some part of you felt love
until reality skipped a rung
you cut the ties that bind
wanted to leave it all behind
My blue eyes remind
words spoken when blind
Wounds pressed deep
until corrosion seeped
between us a chasm
opened wide within this spasm
trust is lost
love can't be bought
Still within this distancing
I reach across emotional fencing
Damn this breach!
You're just out of reach.
To hear my words, be stilled
Love's never fully killed
(Please rock again this babe,
God, for my soul to save)
Sometimes it is worse to be removed emotionally from a person. To feel nothing for them but anger and betrayal through the shield you build around yourself from the pain. I'm sure for my mother (with her own shields built to cut her from her own physical and emotional pains) it might have been better to lose her children to another person or to death than to lose them through herself.
There was a time in my life when I both physically and emotionally removed myself from my mother. It was after I had given birth to my daughter and my step-father still lived. I explained to her that he would never have any contact with my children. I told her why. For the second time in my life, she tried to tell me that the abuse never happened. It was more than I could bear and I severed myself from her. I longed still to hold her but at the same time it felt like I would have been hugging spikes - such was my fear that she would again betray me and hurt me.
The issue has been settled now. The story of my abuse has been supported by others in my family. No, my mother and I don't talk about the abuse that happened. Still, as I have said before, I love her and to be in her life is to support her walk in Christ. But letting her into my life also affects my own walk. To continue to hold onto the pain and the fear hurts me. Yes, there's always a chance that my mother could hurt me again. She could betray me. She could again bring me to tears. Fact is, God doesn't want us to be fearful little creatures hiding from everything that might bring us pain. So I reach out to her for myself and in hopes that in being a part of her life, God will use me to affect changes in her heart. But then, I use that last sentence as part of prayer for every person I encounter in my life.
Three stories of three women with similar but differing pains in the loss of a child. Three stories of three women restored to their lost children through God's beautiful will. God can truly use anything He chooses to bring us closer to Him. I pray that God has used me to pass on something meaningful to you. God be with you and yours. Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Leslie Johnson
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