Lust [A]Version

SEEKING
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

Tonight the loneliness
has moved in like a fog over a bay
I dream of the light
across the ocean
I can see nothing through this haze
I wish only to sleep
if I cannot seek
another soul to bind with
as the lighthouse remains
distant, silent, unseen

Welcome to this edition of the rings. I believe in my last writing I said something about honesty. I used to be a lot more honest in my earlier rings. I know that from looking back through them to try to organize the book idea for a better proposal to publishers. So here's some honesty. Let's have a look at some of the demons that have been haunting me lately (in this ring and maybe a couple of others). Are your eyes a question mark? It'll be therapeutic for me and it may help someone out there as well. You can always pass it along to someone who can use it if you find that you can't.

ONE NIGHT STAND
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

So you're sitting there
telling me
you're so empty
and this is how
you're fulfilled
A lonesome night
in the arms of a stranger
spilling over with whispered delights
You're sitting there
so smug and empty
a smile tracing over
your color shocked lips
telling me you needed
a release
within the arms of one
you know from here and there
and how beautiful it was
when the moment came
like a burst of sun
So you're sitting there
so empty yet needing release
full of contradictions
and lonely double entendres
You're sitting there
without a truth
living for a moment
that quickly vanishes
and is forgotten
yet you are sure
a vanishing moment
is what can make you whole

I know this is going to sound strange. With my past one would think I'd have an aversion to men and sex. However, looking back over my life I find a pattern of seeking out companionship for comfort. Maybe it's because the loneliness just becomes too much to bear. Maybe it's when stress is high and I just want something intriguing to think about (or do) other than deal with the pressure a minute longer. Maybe I was just bored. Before I married, I would seek men out. Not necessarily for a one night stand. Sometime I just wanted that closeness - not sex. Someone to talk to over a meal or be held by for just a little while. I wanted something to dream about. That rush of excitement within the possibilities. After I was married, there were times when our marriage had troubles. Often I was tempted. I admit that sometimes over a lunch I thought about things I shouldn't have. Daydreams did run wild. This isn't something I'm proud of. Since coming to Christ, this is something I've resisted turning to. Not always easy to resist either. I also think of those I had connections with in the past, however slight it may have been. I pray for them because I don't know the effects of the connection. I now feel rather unsettled at the thought that my past selfish actions may have pushed someone away from God.

BITS OF COLOR
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

Why must your eyes draw me in
lying here in an unmade bed
knowing a thousand things
that need be done
but not having the focus
to complete them
rather to stay here
drawn to you
a mere image flickering
on my screen
bits of color dotted together
to form those
beautiful eyes

I'll admit something else to you. Walking with honesty in this way, I never need fear that this little bit will come back to haunt me. I once had a short story published in an English magazine (1994). The part some may find questionable was this one crucial scene in the story - a sex scene. Truly I meant the story to be a piece of psychological fiction. However, a chunk of it some would consider, well, more than most romance novels. This wasn't a fantasy written down. More of a creative use of some of my daydreams. Again, not something I'm proud of now. I think about how many lives may have been negatively effected by the piece - encouraged to do something that led them farther from God - and I just feel torn down. The effects aren't something easily mended. So I pray for forgiveness. I pray for those I may have corrupted in my past.

MAKE ME COMPLETE
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2000

your kiss feels hot
upon my cheek
so I turn my face away
I am ashamed
of my body set aflame
simple connections
send me to heated
reflections
recalling days of youth
sweet taste of fruits
forbidden to my
taste and touch
I want to kiss you
again
full and unafraid
taste of what you're made
and not be ashamed
put your arms
deep around my
body and soul
whisper sweetness
warm and whole
if only this
could make me complete

What is the point I'm coming to? I know that I'm not the only Christian wandering around dealing with lust and it's effects. And please remember that Jesus didn't launch any stones at the questionable lady. I've been under a lot of stress this year. July has been a hellish wasteland of disasters coupled with abuse anniversaries that make nights of un-nightmared sleep near impossible. Still, no excuse for old habits trying to whisper themselves back. All I can do is be honest about it, resist temptation when it comes (in daydream or human form), and pray (then keep on praying). Pray for God to give me strength and some relaxing distractions and comforts that don't encourage sin. Lucky for me HE's put a great deal of friends in my life who are willing to let me cry at them when I'm stretch too thin (I always have a shoulder for them too). And I pray.

HARLOT WHISPERS
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

The perversion
of a thousand pin-pointed moments
in my life
come flickering
to the fore front
of my mind's
screaming screen
and though I try to
turn away
they pout
undeniable
in their existence
they call
tempting
"whisper me back"
I stall temporarily
then know
what I must do
casting out the harlot

I fear that now that you know how terribly imperfect and strangely shattered I am that you may turn away. Or perhaps you'll be as disgusted as I am at the thought of how many lives I may have corrupted before coming to Christ in 1996. The thing with honesty is there's always a fear. Fear of the reaction. Fear that someone may leave you. Fear that someone may say something hurtful. Fear of being shunned. I'm telling you I don't want to be drawn into the arms of a lover. I want to be drawn into the arms of our Lord. There are times when I am tempted by a past momentary comfort. I have recognized that it is momentary - I want something more lasting and that only comes from the Lord.

Peace, love, and forgiveness,
Leslie Elain

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