In Memory of Elain - 7/5/2000
Psalm 13 - in memory of Elain and that last day she read it in July 1983.
FATHER FIGURE
- Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
Standing at your grave
kicking at your stone
screaming things at you
that I was never able to
when you lived
I hold onto the anger
until hoarseness falls me
I sit in the grass
Why do so many tears
have to fall
between us
What prevented you
from knowing how to love
Couldn't you teach me
something other than
driving and violence
Too many questions
left unanswerable
in death
I calm for a moment
trying to find some plausible
explanation for
how you lived
searching in vain
makes me insane
anger rises readily
and I can't contain
the scream
I just wanted
a father to love
but none I had
seemed to know
how to play the part
July is hell month for me, regardless of the fact that my birthday falls in it. There are at least two "abuse anniversaries" within the month. I approach this month with trepidation knowing that God has covered all but at the same time knowing what only He knows that this month has held. One anniversary is of the first time I was sexually abused by my step-father. I have passed it already fairly well. My God, in His sweet kindness and love, has granted a forgiving sheath for that day - a gift that causes me to now celebrate the day instead. But the next one up is a day I find myself unable to approach as easily this year. It is the day that the abuse pushed a young girl trying so hard to hold to fresh faith to turn from God. If I can forgive my step-father for trying to kill me that day, why can I not forgive myself? I was only a child forced to make a choice. I wanted to live.
PTSD: FLASHBACKS FOR GOD
-Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
Alice had a rabbit hole
a darkened corridor to trips
within the mind that bends and rhymes
are near psychotic fits
So many souls pass me by
fitted for God's glory and pleasures
tricked-out souls with evil filters
custom made for good measure
The distance squeezes in
as I slide the corridor to darkness
memories blend ephipanies
I am lost within my smallness
No filters have yet been made
to save off losing mind
lost in emotions losing time
the corridor narrows pain to blind
Though it's temporary, I know
it's glow momentary in reality
I shudder in prayer to God
needing His strength within my frailty
Praying so deeply
for a tricked-out soul
custom attachments so I run
with a purr when low
Missing the corridor completely
to continue the road
so narrow with so many bumps
that already jumble my load
Alice made the most of her trips
gaining vision within advice
Surely God blends these detours
bending my mind from darkness to light
I talked recently with a friend about what happened that day. I wasn't sure what her reaction would be but I couldn't let her see me cry, even though I wanted to. Again, my God blesses my life. She said, "Leslie, you were only a baby. You were this little child trying to stay with God but forced to make a decision that no child should have to make. It's not wrong to want to live." I protested. I pointed to the "Jesus Freak" book as a means to justify my own shame at leaving God for 13 years because of the abuse. "But, Leslie," she said, "He knew why and He never left you." Still, forgiveness of self is hard to find in the month of July.
PRISONER OF LOVE (and YOU know it)
-Leslie Johnson copyright 1999
You have me handcuffed
and You know it
I'm attached to You
as though chained
Even when I want
to break free and run
there's not a chance now
and You know it
Truth be known
I know I'm better off
hangin' here with You
I just don't understand
how to walk sometimes
trippin' over my feet
and chains
making chaffs and bruises
and cuts
on my soul
Lord, just hold me closer
prop me up along this walk
I am ill coordinated
but You know this
Truly, God never gives up when He's trying to get a point across. My husband rented "End of Days" recently. One scene stood out to me - spoke volumes of truth to me - has led me here to say these things to you this night. In the scene, Arnold's character is confronted by the devil. The man has felt guilt over the death of his family because he wasn't at home the night they were murdered. He has hung onto the guilt and left God as well. "How could God have let this happen?" Arnold asked at one part in the movie. The devil uses the guilt and the blame to try to get the man to come to his side fully. The devil says to him that God took away his family. The devil tells him that he will give back all what God has taken from him. Therein lies the power of Satan. Satan lies to us about who is to blame in life. It wasn't that God allowed my abuse to happen - that was a choice made by adults in my life. God gave us all free choice, to move closer to Him or farther away. God understands why I wanted to live that day. God understood and He worked from that day forth to put people and events in my life that eventually brought me back to Him. God has forgiven me for the weakness and fear of a child. In order to forgive myself I have to see who truly is behind those tormenting little voices that scream a chastising reminder.
MEMO TO SATAN
-Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
I can hear your whispers
sometimes screamin'
out my Lord.
But Jesus said
I could tell you to leave
and I'm standin' on
those words.
Get outta my house!
Get outta my mind!
Get away from my body
with those lusts you designed!
I don't wanna covet!
I don't want you to win!
I wanna be near my Lord
and escape from sin!
I can you pleadin'
for my gaze to turn
from my Lord.
Pretty shiny babbles
are momentary.
I'd rather stand
with God's words.
Get out, don't return!
Take all of your stash!
Go away with your temptin'!
I don't want you back!
Stay away from my body
with tortures you designed!
Get outta my thoughts
with images unkind!
I can hear you rattlin'
in chains, angry
with my Lord.
In the battle for
for my body and soul
I've clung to
Jesus' words.
Get outta my life!
I belong to my Lord!
Don't tempt me with pleasures
fleeting in this world!
I crave eternity
leisurely loving my Lord!
Get away from me!
For you death is stored!
I think that God might have wanted me to live that day. Thirteen years spent so far from Him taught me much that I might use today or tomorrow to reach out to someone who might not hear Him by conventional means. God can use even my failures, my weaknesses, my pains to His glory. In doing so, my soul is freed. I reap joy in full forgiveness. And perhaps Elain can finally rest in peace this July.
PRAYER FOR A NEW DAY
- Leslie Johnson copyright 2000
God,
I hear Your voice daily
I want to follow Your lead
I want to do Your deeds
little requests for little things
You ask of me daily
I turn my eyes and see
times I let Your voice pass me
opportunities to draw close to You
that I have missed
opportunities that could have led
to strengthening
opportunities to disdain from sin
I see the list lengthening
too many times I've failed You
too many times I've failed myself
and others by putting You off
I never meant to be lost
in my selfish quest to leave the pain
instead of finding You within it
God,
I want to open myself to You wholly
I never want to miss another opportunity
to draw closer to You
to help another
to turn my eyes and heart from sin
to connect with another through Your love
to spread Your Truth to my neighbor
or the ends of the earth
God,
I will quiet the noises within my life
that have made hearing You clearly
such a chore
I will sing Your praises to the non-choir
and those within
Father, forgive my sins.
In Jesus name.
Amen
Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Leslie Elain Peach Johnson
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