Distance - 8-24 -2001

Welcome to this edition. I am still trying to be honest in my fear and doubts. This is another big one. Another one that I don't talk about much even though it plays heavy on my heart.

DISTANCE
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2000

I hear the distance
screaming louder than any silence
no words to trip over
with no words to share
uncomfortable
facing this wall
try to scale it
with a stockpile of
conversation
only to deepen the chasm
coming to tears
with frustration
wishing we were closer
wishing not to lose the love
distance is deafening
caging
and damaging
I wish I didn't hear
this distance

When I was younger I wrote a great number of love poems. A few of them were rather sappy. One in particular gets quoted to me periodically by my sisters and a few close friends who have read it (it was just that cheesy). I look back now wondering if all that passion was real .... or was it just the desperation of a lonely soul reaching out to find another. To find and woo anyone. There's that fear of being alone and unloved, unnoticed.

SHREDDED LOVESEAT
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

Famous last words
of a romantic
"We were meant to be"
then time wears on
and things go wrong
maybe love doesn't
set you free
Sentiments set in romance
love poems flow
through the soul
what happens when
the stream runs dry
you're marooned on rocks
no more taking flight
you're a castaway
left alone
Famous last words
of a romantic
"What does this love really mean?"
Spoken by one
left without romance
long forgotten now
how to ask for a dance
blue walls of the parlor
faded ugly with time
a heart of shredded upholstery
is all that's left behind

So what do you do when you begin questioning rather love truly exists? We enter into marriage quite often with that "happily ever after" expression etched on our face only to have time and the elements of real life wear it away. What do you do when the conversation between you and the one you've pledged yourself to until death has dwindled down to what's for dinner, schedules, and "to do" lists? What do you do when that passion you once held so dear becomes a distance dream? One which over time you begin to wonder was just a mirage.

EMPTY SPACE
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

Dear Lord,
am I just being greedy now?
Wanting something closer to fulfillment
wanting something I remember of love
remembering days
when the passion overflowed
with laughter and closeness
falling from the bed to the floor
Oh, my Lord,
tell me now if it's wrong
to feel so lonely that the
passion has gone
to feel so empty with
that space where intimacy live
to feel so lost with no more
of the bless and give
I am so awkward without exchange
Oh, my Lord,
can this all change
can this be made right again
can we at least be close to friends
Oh, my Lord, oh, my Lord,
am I so wrong? Am I so wrong?
Am I just being greedy now
to hate being so alone
when this couple is a crowd

I pray quite often over this. It troubles me to feel so alone and drained of love. Right now God's love is the only love I can be sure really exists. In honesty I can say that love, human love, can fade so easily. Friendships can falter. Brothers and sisters can fight and stay distant all their lives. Children can leave their parents never to look back. Husbands and wives can become strangers to one another. Any relationship can become strained to breaking. I can only count on what I came to know one night in 1996 when my God whispered to me that HE has been with me always. My God whispered to me that He has always loved me. HE will always love me. Even when I am doubtful, when my faith is shaken, when I am lost in the confusion of life and unreachable dreams, I remember that night and know that HIS passion does not wane.

DROUGHTED PRAYER
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

My days stretch out before me
in a long procession of failures
I feel droughted
my soul crackled and fragmented
little pieces blown away
and destroyed by the slightest wind
My Lord, I am starved
for your saving rains
my soul parched for lack of care
I have not seen a good moment
in so very long
I have forgotten the image
all my life is the dull color
of blown sand
My Lord, will you not save me
if I but ask?
Then I beg.

Peace, love, and forgiveness,
Leslie E. Johnson

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