Why I Can't Fast Today - 8-7-2001
Welcome to this edition of the ring. I told you that I was going to be honest. Here's a bit of truth that I've always sorta known but have ignored. When I am nervous or upset I have trouble eating. Unfortunately, I'm one of those nervous types. Don't get me wrong - I love good food. I don't diet. I'm not an anorexic or a bulimic. It's just when I'm upset, food and I don't mix well.
MIRROR WARP
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
Looking back is
the Little Girl in the mirror
how small she feels
how very inferior
feeling small and helpless
alone and ignored
her world is a spiral
out of control
Eyes open wide
a view to the torrent
feel it coming undone
being lost in the current
Whirlwind of motions
loosed by the Girl
emotions are furied
in an unlit world
lost in the dark
shadows hollow her face
the Little Girl's trumped me
in our unchosen race
I know this is caused in part from a spastic colon. I get upset, it hurts. I also know that in part it comes from early childhood training. Dinnertime was not always a happy occasion at my house. I just wanted to get away from that table - quickly. I developed a pattern of eating just enough to breeze by. To be excused from that table. To not raise the attention of teachers or friends or family. (Though I have the feeling that they may have noticed.) An added component to this was working on near empty. Something that came from all the jobs my stepfather had lined up. In the midst of the work, we'd eventually get around to lunch or dinner. Over time I learned to just skip meals altogether. So here I am with this pattern of eating little or skipping meals and working hard when I'm in a state of stress. I get a lot done during these times, but at what price?
EMPTY CUP
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
Limit pushing
in it's finest form
No, this isn't more
than I can hold
See how good I can be?
Get so much done
running on empty
No, I'm okay
just a little tired
just a little shake
Tomorrow will be better
if my body's not undone
just need to lay here
on the cool floor
recapture myself
before it comes unfold
pushed limits
maybe a little too far
just a cup of tea
then I'll restart
Another part is that I've always been a small person. Being small has come to my aid somewhat in that there's a chance in being overlooked. In my youth, at home and at school, this could be a good thing except for the loneliness. I also have a tendency to wear slightly oversized clothes which helps in camouflaging me and the problem I have. If I stay small, I stay unnoticed. I stay "safe." [Explaining your own psychoanalysis isn't easy.] When I get stressed I go to comfort patterns as a means to stay "safe."
[untitled]
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
In an antibiotic daze
I walked a nightmare landscape
where the past mutated
as a smallness
an insignificant
held me captive
I try to fight
to cry out for help
without words
No one sees
the suffering is hidden
within the folds of my brain
as I escape into
my bed
I gasp for breath
as one living in a liquid dream
my heart pounds
for lack of race
I catch myself to stillness
asking without calm
for the arms of my God
This isn't something I've ever really discussed with anyone. I had a tendency to ignore that I was doing it. "I just got busy, " I'd tell myself, "and I forgot to eat" or "I'm a little too nervous to eat much right now - too many butterflies" or "I hate to eat alone." However, I now have to really face this. I've put on 10 pounds recently. I don't usually put on weight without being pregnant. I said something to my doctor about it because I was genuinely concerned. I remember how oddly he looked at me. "Leslie," he said, "your weight is fine. You're about the right weight for your height. There's really nothing wrong. Just go buy some new jeans." I knew then that the problem was within me and I couldn't let it grow into something worse.
HEAD IN HANDS
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001
I put my head in my hands
close my eyes for a second
try to remember how it's supposed to be
and forget how it really is
I hate to see the person I am
when I know that things are
supposed to be so different
I should be someone else,
somewhere else,
doing something else
yet here I am
fighting against all that is
Lord, I know You can change me
if only I will allow
Now I beg You, Lord, my God
come in and do
the housecleaning
Since the visit with my doctor I've had to look at this. I have found I'd really rather not look so closely at myself or any of my problems or fears and the patterns that have arisen from them.. Best to just gloss over them. I can't do that anymore. It's my fears that helped to keep this eating problem going past my childhood. I have prayed to God. I need a release from the things that still hold me prisoner. I've been watching my moods and eating patterns more closely. Sometimes I have to make myself eat. I try to not be in such a hurry. I've tried to eat healthier - adding fruits and vegetables as snacks in between meals. I pray and try to more deeply appreciate the nourishment God has provided for me. Let go of the fears. Just slow down and let God pilot.
This has not been easy to face. It's been less easy to say it out loud. The only easy thing has been praying to God about it. But then HE's always understanding - HE sees me from the inside and still loves me despite the ugliness.
Peace, love, and forgiveness,
Leslie Elain
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