Pitter Patters of lil Feets - 9-21-2001

*NOTE: I had written this ring out on the 10th with every intention of sending it out the next day. Of course, we all know that the events of September 11th held off the plans of so many - some plans are permanently faded with the lives that were lost. It wasn't until a few days later that I was able to put pen to paper and try to put my emotions to words. The following is that poem:

Children played in the backyard
their laughter spilled
too young, still innocent yet to understand
this grievous upset
to understand a world gone mad
to understand how life will never be the same
The children play
shrill joy streaks unfrayed
as behind my shades
I cry and pray
that the world not be left to ruin for these
playful children
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 9-15-2001
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You are now returned to the regularly scheduled ring: Again, I am addressing my fears. One that plagues me daily is fear of failing as a mother. I am the mother of two. I do my best. However, there are times when I'm sure I could do better. There are times when I fall to bemoaning that if only I had better examples when I was growing up of what to do in this situation or that. Still my children seem to be doing alright in spite of my pity parties, my lack of training, and confusions.

MOTHERHOOD
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

My babies
You're growing up so quickly
I had hoped to teach you so much more
than I have
I wanted to share the beauty of nature
my appreciation of the arts
creative expression explored uninhibited
I wanted you to know
the truths I've found in life
but over the years
truths have faded in and out
until I'm not sure what's left
to say
So many precious moments
have already passed away
sunlight has kept me indoors
on days when we should have played
appreciation of arts is
such a personal and subjective thing
creative expression is less welcome
when made on the walls, on the bed,
on the floors, and down the halls
How much have I missed
while focused on the basics
this is how you dress
eat without making a mess
how you pee and poop
how to clean up your room
Yet I pray that I can be brave
still have the chance
to teach you so much more
are my days so numbered
have I failed already
is it too late to reclaim
dreams of motherhood and childhood
that I once had
Not while you are so young,
so beautiful, so full of life,
and with so much you're yet
to create

I fell again recently, past self-pity and self doubt. My four year old son has always developed behind the curve. He learned a number of things 6 months to a year behind other children. He didn't really talk until he was 3. Yet I knew he was an intelligent boy from how he would work out problems (like getting around safety barriers I'd put up). I had an idea of what the problem was. There are times when he simply cannot control himself to be still or quiet. So when he was diagnosed as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) I wasn't much surprised. I did feel a bit heartbroken though. I questioned myself while changing his diet, discipline, and daily structure. What had I done wrong? I didn't use any drugs or alcohol while pregnant with him. I'd breast fed him for the first 6 months of his life. Hadn't I prayed through all 9 months of the pregnancy? Hadn't I continued to pray for him and with him? Why wasn't my child normal? What had I done wrong?

TO MY SON AT FOUR
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

Tearing myself to shreds
over the summer son
trying to teach him life
he turns to play and run
Tired over the endlessness
learning a year behind
smile and say I love you
before I am lost and blind
How can my heart be so full
Is this really a tragedy
I had prayed him to be perfect
my loss of patience is ruining
Still moments of joy spin
timeless to be found again
my tears will be altered
my fears made a friend
Shredded cloth can be rewoven
souls are forgiven and mended
patches placed on torn spots
My Lord a blessing given
Son, I am the imperfect one
crying to be made whole
you are precious in loving Jesus
who safely keeps your soul

My daughter is 11. She misses being an only child. It's hard to juggle keeping up with her needs which are so different from my son's needs. She needs her friends without her brother in the way. She needs outside activities without her brother causing waves. She needs to express her creativity without her brother coming behind to wreck it. Sometimes she gets really mad at me and can say the most hurtful things. I am torn between wanting to be friends with her and wanting to ground her until she's old enough to go to college. It's exhausting to tend to both my children. This isn't quite how I pictured motherhood to be. But then, like marriage, we have a tendency to always paint the pictures pretty with smiles and laughter as a constant.

THANKS FOR THE JOY
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

I cannot explain
the overwhelming joy
that spills and fills
into my soul
I am taken elsewhere
beyond yet still within
this mortal plain
I am overtaken
with emotion
joy overflowing into
smiles and tears
I am thankful
dear Lord
for such an immense
yet such a simple
blessing
joy in waves like light

In the midst of my most recent maternally driven pity party, my Creator decided to point something out to me. HE seems to feel the same way. HE had wanted us to be very different creatures indeed. Instead, HE has to work with us as we are - with eternal patience. So I just need to stay calm and attempt more patience (pre-teen and pre-k - my God, have mercy on me) and work with my children where they are. If one way doesn't work, then it's time to be creative and go at it from a different angle. It would be easier if I wasn't constantly tired.

Despite my fears and self doubt there's a chance I may be doing something right. My son is responding positively to the recommended changes I've made. Still we have trying days. He started preschool and is adjusting. I think it may do him a world of good to be away from me for a few hours a week. This year my daughter is learning to play the baritone in band. She wants to be active in the church youth group. She studies and reads without me having to wage war. More importantly, in August she was baptized. I've never felt more love overflow my heart other than the day I gave birth to her. It was a beautiful moment.

TO MY DAUGHTER AT HER BAPTISM
- Leslie E. Johnson copyright 2001

She went down into the water
turned and smiled at me
then in a flash
she became a shining
new life
she went down into the water
after so many talks and prayers
flashlights after bedtime
helped to breed the Word
seeds into her soul
She went down into the water
I was breathless
no sounds, time stopped
no heavenly choir
only the singing within
as silent smiles shared
I handed her a towel
a little Christian sister now

The thing is, I think with all parents there's a bit of self doubt. It's just a matter of not letting it get in the way. Not letting that fear and doubt take over. This is harder to do than with most fears. After all, there's so much more at stake than just myself. What more can I do but pray and take cues from my Heavenly Father?

Peace, love, and forgiveness,
Leslie

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