Sallie Mae: The Actual Cerberus
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Crystal Method's "She's My Pusher"

for those of you not up on your Greek mythology, Cerberus (or Cerberos or Kerberos) was the three-headed hound that guarded the door to Hades' place. its job was to see to it that the living (me, you, anyone else you might know who's walking, talking, eating, and/or breathing) from entering the land of the dead (incorrectly regarded as Hades, who actually ran the place -- i'm talking about Hell, the Place of the Damned, Collegedale). i once thought this little mythological tale was cute and full of its own masochistic charm.

but now i realize the truth. the founders of Sallie Mae were directly inspired by this hound of Hades' and have based their entire corporate identity on this creature and have even taken to adopting some of the canine's less charming characteristics.

this month i received a bill from Sallie Mae, saying i needed to pay this month and last month's payment and that was overdue. a little befuddled that i hadn't received a warning about this, i paid the 107.06$ -- sent them a check and went on with life. a couple of days later, my bank statement let me know that the check had cleared.

goody.

yesterday i went into the bank and deposited some money. today i checked my balance and to my shock and horror, the account balance was in the negative. how could this be? well, because Sallie Mae has made ANOTHER 107.06$ deduction.

how?!

why?!

i called Sallie Mae and Chuck (presumably Chuck Norris, whose career had long died before Walker Texas Ranger) informed me that "you've sent in two payments this month."

SIX DAYS APART.

why, oh why, would i send two DOUBLE PAYMENTS to Sallie Mae six days apart? what money do they think i've come into? so not only do i get to pay them an additional one-hundred and seven dollar and six cents i don't have, i get to pay the bank thirty-two dollars in over-draft fees that i don't have.

the bright side to this is i don't owe Sallie Mae money until October.

i don't know who these twats think they are, but they need to get their three heads screwed on straight and do a little logical deduction: "wait a minute. this is a kid who JUST graduated from college. he doesn't have money!"

i will not rest until i have my face on the one-dollar bill, i have written at least one published Spider-Man book, i have one academy award, and Sallie Mae lay at the bottom of the River Styx.