How can life be so sweet and yet so bitter?
We live...we love...we laugh....and we lose.
Everyone eventually knows the pain of loss,
the pain of permanent separation.

Maybe I shouldn't, but I find myself questioning
God's wisdom in death. How can there be joy in loss?
How am I to celebrate the loss of my father?
What does it take?
Does it take more courage than I have?
Does it require super-human strength?
I have neither, I'm afraid.

It's been several years, but still
the pain is as fresh as if it were yesterday?
Was it yesterday? Or maybe last week?
The hurt, the emptiness, the grief,
continues to grab my heart and squeeze,
eliciting the same sharp, memorable pain.

But then, if I allow my mind to wander....
to go back in time...back before the pain...
sweet memories of life....of love and laughter.
fill the dark void and ease grief's death grip on my heart.

My strong gentle father..sitting quietly on the front porch
my dog, my faithful companion, who would leave me in a
second if he spied Dad nearby, lying contently by his side.
Dad's gaze fixed on something that I couldn't see.
His thoughts invisible to me.
Did he have regrets?
Were there dreams that I never knew?
Was he happy?
I like to think so.
But what if.......
what if he had wanted more
or something different?
What if for reasons I never knew he felt smothered
unfulfilled? What if his soul cried out to unfulfilled dreams?

I think about how gentle he was, even to the smallest
and weakest of God's creatures. He taught me
that love was more than a four letter word.
He taught me that actions speak louder than words
He taught me that love without action is useless.

Maybe God knows something that I don't know.
Something that I may never know.
Maybe the reason behind loss and grief is perfectly viable
in His infinite wisdom. I just don't know....
but someday I plan to ask.