(Editor’s Note: The following mysteriously arrived in the ARMOR Magazine email-box without credit to an author...but he is obviously a very wise armor guy with a little time on his treads.)

1. Just after you report “Redcon 1” for your qualification run, you will realize that you desperately need to take a leak.

2. The fuel truck will run out of fuel just before he gets to your tank.

2a. You will run out of fuel before he returns.

3. Tanks don’t float.

4. If a supply sergeant is given a choice between death and going to the field with his unit, he will ask for a few minutes to “Think it over.”

5. Attempting to help recover a mired tank will only result in your tank becoming mired also.

6. The primary purpose of an operations order is to ensure that all blame falls on the line units.

6a. For this reason, the staff will not publish an operations order until after the exercise is completed.

7. Night vision devices will only fail at night.

7a. They will function perfectly once the sun rises.

8. The dirtier and more tired you are, the less appreciative you become of “constructive criticism” from somebody in a pristine uniform.

9. The heater on your tank will fail in October. The part to repair it will arrive in April.

10. No matter how minor the ailment, a visit to the medics will result in an I.V.

10a. Arguing with the medics about this will result in your being evacuated in a neck brace and back board (in addition to the I.V.).

11. When loading the main gun, remember: “pointy end first.”

12. The only times you will throw a track are:
a. At night,
b. in the rain,
c. during the movement back to garrison, or
d. one hour after you installed the new ones.

13. Your vehicle will go NMC right after the contact team leaves the AO.

14. All infantry fighting vehicles don’t look alike.

15. Shaking trees to your front mean that you are being hunted by helicopters.

16. When you are told your engineer support was needed elsewhere, the bridge will be out.

17. The exercise will finish and you’ll get back to garrison just after the wash rack closes.

18. If all else fails, shoot at the muzzle flashes — the larger ones are the dangerous ones, the smaller ones are infantry.

18a. The infantry muzzle flashes you ignore are covering an anti-tank team setting up.

19. “Rebel yells” are not proper FM radio procedure after a successful Table VIII shoot.

20. XO math: 3 pacs on the ground + no fueler + 2 deadlines = 100% FMC.

21. Close air support is safest from far away.

22. Proving that three feet of frontal armor protection will defend against any threat is probably best demonstrated on someone else’s track.

23. Hearing an “Aw, shit” soon after an “on-the-waaay!” means you’re probably not getting that promotion.

24. Tanks are very easy to see unless you’re dismounted and they’re backing up.

25. The one time you skip the firing circuit test is when you have the misfire.

26. “GUNNER, SABOT, SNIPER” is not an appropriate use of ammunition.

27. It is cruel to tell NBC types “Damn, that Fox looks like a BMP!” — particularly when live rounds are being issued.

28. Blackout drive + autobahn + 0345 = polizei.

29. Unsecured turrets will only swing freely mid-way through a rail tunnel.

30. When doing a gunnery, the tank is always operational until you get to the ready line.

31. If you are promised “downtime,” what they really mean is: You will be breaking track.

32. First sergeant math: Buy Gatorade for $1.49 each and sell for $1.00 each — with the profits going to the unit fund.

Special thanks to SFC Mark Baker, whose “Private Murphy’s Law” cartoon appears in Army Times. 20 ARMOR — January-February 2002