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Worst...Movies...EVER...

The world's worst ideas brought to life on the silver screen

If you can't already tell, I borrowed the "worst [insert object of scorn here] ever" catchphrase popularized by The Simpsons' "Comic Book Guy" character and applied it to the cinema. Hopefully some of you will be spared some disappointment by using this guide.

I must add that I do actually really enjoy (good) movies, but, as we all know, all movies are not created equal. I could have made a "best movies ever" list but how much fun is that?

Below are some truly, truly bad movies. I wouldn't wish watching these upon my worst enemy. The list will inevitably get longer because Hollywood keeps dishin' em out (and people keep eatin' em up). In no particular order, the worst movies in the history of the world are:

Troll 2 (1990)
To provide you with some perspective of just how bad this movie is, one of the lead actors actually directed a documentary for the 20th anniversary "celebration" of the film entitled Best Worst Movie. The film has built a cult following over the years, not because it is a great film, but because it's so unintentionally hilarious. I honestly almost didn't put this on the list because it's so bad that it's almost good. Almost.
Cool as Ice (1991)
Vanilla Ice proves that he can fail just as disastrously as an actor as he has as a rapper in his feature "film" debut. Interestingly enough, he somehow managed to get Naomi Campbell to make a cameo appearance in this piece of garbage. This was undoubtedly her worst career move ever (even worse than the multiple assaults she's inflicted on innocent people within range of her throwing arm). Word to your mother!
Cloverfield (2008)
I was one of those who fell victim to the admittedly genius marketing campaign that teased potential moviegoers with only morsels of what this movie was about. Turns out that the only thing the movie's creators were hiding was a bad movie. Whoever thought that combining ideas from Godzilla and The Blair Witch Project would work should be psychologically evaluated. When watching this movie, you'll wish that the monster would come out of the screen just to put you out of your misery. I wasn't so lucky.
An Angel Named Billy (2007)
Don't let the title fool you--just because it has the word "angel" in it, do not believe for a second that there is anything heavenly about this trash. This could have only been deviously conceived in the lower depths of you know where. The acting is abysmal, the plot is paper-thin, and the characters are downright irritating. Please, someone, return Billy back to the fires from which it came!
The Plug Lady (1999)
The lead character's grating voice alone was enough to secure this movie a place on this list. The laughably bad acting and some less-than-politically correct themes do a good job of helping out as well. I wouldn't even use the DVD case to level an uneven table--it's that bad.
Ghost Rider (2007)
The folks at Marvel tried to capitalize on their recent box-office superhero success by making a movie about one of their most notorious morally ambiguous (but deep-down really good) superheroes, Ghost Rider. Well, they failed. I would say they tried too hard-- a badly cast Nicolas Cage's attempts to be a hardened, supernatural biker are laughable as are the underwhelming and underused villains he fights-- but saying that gives Marvel too much credit. Instead, I don't think they tried to make this a good movie very much at all. Quite frankly, I wish they hadn't tried at all.
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Okay, I admit it--this was an easy target. Critics and moviegoers worldwide virtually unanimously panned this movie as one of the worst ever created, so I knew before I started watching it that it was going to be awful. But, nonetheless, I watched it anyway (I guess I'm just masochistic like that). I wish I could provide some of the movie's redeeming qualities, but, well, I can't. It was a long, badly acted Star Wars/Star Trek ripoff with special effects reminiscient of '70s-era Godzilla movies. This sci-fi dud belongs in a galaxy far, far away.
Fellini-Satyricon (1970)
This incredibly odd movie was based on the few remaining remnants of an ancient, first-century A.D. satiric novel by Petronius Arbiter. Rather than form a coherent story and assumptively connect the dots between the missing sections, Fellini (the movie's director) opted to simply make the movie more or less "as is" from the text. The result (as could be expected) is an amalgamation of seemingly unrelated, random, and bizarre scenes. Some praise the haphazard hodgepodge as genius; maybe it is, and I simply just "don't get it." Well, there is one thing I do know for sure-- I don't like it.
XXX: State of the Union (2005)
The ill-conceived one-liners peppered all-too generously throughout this movie would make even most sycophantic of movie critics cringe. How Hollywood continues to lure talented actors—in this case Nona Gaye, Samuel L. Jackson, Scott Speedman, and Willem Dafoe—into cinematic embarrassments like this is beyond me. I’m hoping they just lost a bet.
The Little Rascals (1994)
Some kids can act. Some kids can’t. Age isn’t the determinant of acting ability. For every Haley Joel Osment or Raven-Symoné there’s a Jake Lloyd (the horrendous Darth-Vader-in-training actor from Star Wars Episode I) or one of these Little Rascals kids. On top of not being able to act, they think they’re cute. There are few things less cute than a kid who thinks he/she is cute. And there are few movies worst than this one.
BloodRayne (2005)
I’ve gotta give it to ‘em--they just won’t give up on this franchise. The character of Rayne (a butt-kickin’ vampire-hunting vampire) is a promising (but not new) idea, but after two mediocre video games I would have thought they would’ve given up. But someone gave the greenlight to do a movie (and, amazingly, a sequel is in the works). The result? A cheesey borefest that proves that even good ideas can be trash if put in the wrong hands. The producer of the movie, Uwe Boll, is notorious for ruining video-game franchises on the silver screen, so his involvement comes as no surprise.
Pootie Tang (2001)
What a waste of talent! Jennifer Coolidge, Chris Rock, Laura Kightlinger, Wanda Sykes, Dave Attell, & more appeared in this movie, which, by the way, had the audacity to call itself a "comedy." Maybe that was supposed to be the real joke: Maybe the movie's creators purposely released an unfunny movie and called it a comedy as an attempt at comedic irony. Well, I'm not laughing. And you won't either if you see this movie.
Zoolander (2001)
Another disappointing movie with an all-star cast. Well, maybe "all-star" is stretching it a little bit. How Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson managed to fall so flat and unfunny in this movie boggles my mind.
Cabin Fever (2002)
Another movie that combines booze, sex, attractive adult actors playing teens, a road trip to some isolated wooded area, and inevitable, predictable bloody murder. You've seen it before. What you may not have seen is such a nonsensical ending.
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
This is supposed to be scary? I could almost see the zipper on the unrealistic monster suit. At any time I was ready for the Scooby Gang to unmask him and for Ol' Man Johnson to bemoan how he "would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids."
Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle (2003)
The first iteration certainly wasn't perfect, but it was at least entertaining. This sequel, however, was an underwhelming waste of film and that orangish filter used throughout the movie was more than a bit annoying.
Next Friday (2000)
A huge, humorless disappointment of a sequel to the infinitely superior Friday. Chris Tucker was smart to sit this one out.
M.O. of M.I. (2002)
Bad acting. Bad script. Bad production values. Bad plot. Bad directing. Just bad.
The Glimmer Man (1996)
It has Steven Seagal in it. 'Nuff said.
Corky Romano (2001)
This movie single-handedly decimated any post-"Saturday Night Live" career Chris Kattan may have had. He's a very funny guy, but not in this movie.
Caught Up (1998)
Bokeem Woodbine is one of the worst actors I've ever had the displeasure of watching. I think casting directors like him because he has that "Angry Black Man" look down pat.
Curse of the Queerwolf (1988)
This is one of those movies I'm ashamed to let people know that I've watched it. The premise actually sounded promising (a gay twist on the werewolf mythos in which the bitten turn gay instead of into wolves) but it ended up laughing at gay people instead of with them. Someone like John Waters could have made this movie tongue-in-cheek instead of offensive.
Die Another Day (2002)
I must admit that I've never really been much of a James Bond fan. But I am a fan of action movies (done well, of course). The action in DAD is passable (in that trademark over-the-top Bond kinda way) but what really irks me here is the dialogue. I understand that Bond is a "ladies' man" (to put it mildly), but where the sexual innuendo put forth by the screenwriters had the potential to be witty and campy, the result is simply lazy and juvenile, and, consequently, vulgar.
Fled (1996)
I honestly can't say I really remember much of this movie. Apparently, watching the movie was so traumatic that I repressed most of it. What I do remember was that the plot was convoluted, the acting was poor, and that I couldn't wait for the movie to be over.
Alexander: Director's Cut (2005)
Oliver Stone's Alexander itself was a very flawed film, but Director's Cut was even worse. The new version contains more streamlined action, less gay innuendo, and less dialogue-- a blatant attempt to make the movie more accessible to mass audiences. A better strategy would have been to simply make a better movie. (Update: A final version, Alexander Revisited: The Final Cut has been released, and, though it is not without its problems, it is surprisingly not a half-bad movie).
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