"Popular Thug II: Beautiful Disaster"

Ch. 4

       (Later That Night)

       Brittney sighed as she closed the door after Porcha, who was just leaving after hours and hours of conversation.

       But before she could make her way into the living room her doorbell rang. She turned quickly, thinking it was Porcha, opened the door, "Porcha wha-- Druex."

       Druex smirked at her, "May I come in?"

       She stared at him momentarily, letting the surprise register on her face before opening the door wider and letting him come in, "Yea."

       "How are you?" he asked stepping in to the large Penthouse that decorated throughout with bright white, the pure blankness of it all gave the place a sense of comfort.

       "I'm OK," Brittney replied leading him into the Living room.

       Druex looked around the room, noticing the balcony, that made the whole scene perfect because just outside was the beach. "Nice place you got."

       "Thanks, a friend of mine found it for me, he even had it decorated for me," Brittney said as she opened the door to the balcony, letting the salty air into the room.

       "Really?" he asked, raising an eyebrow as he sat down on the white leather couch.

       "Yea, he's my boss, his cousin found me the job I have and he found me a place to live," she replied pulling the curtains around so the wind wouldn't blow them.

       Druex watched her moved and struggled not to say anything. She moved with such ease that his hands began to ache, he longed to feel her skin underneath his fingers, and his mouth became dry as his eyes flicked over every inch of her body. She was still the one, the only one, and he had a feeling deep within that, that would never change.

       Brittney stood for a moment looking around before she spoke, "Do you want some coffee or something?"

       "No, thanks."

       She sat in the recliner that was beside couch with a sigh, "OK, Druex why are you here?"

       "To talk," Druex replied simply.

       "We tried that already Druex," Brittney snapped glaring at him.

       "We need to REALLY talk, that last one was two steps from nothing short of an argument," he said, returning her glare tenfold.

       "That's understatement," Brittney mumbled as she shifted so she was sitting on one leg.

       "I want to be friends, Brittney. And I'm trying and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be part of your life again," Druex whispered, staring down at his hands as if seeing the expression on her face would kill him.

       "I'm scared, Druex, I'm scared that all of this will just end in some disastrous event that eclipses the last one..." Brittney replied, seemingly leaving out the end of that sentence.

       Druex knew that she meant to say something else, "What? Go on finish Brittney, finish."

       "That almost ripped me to pieces, inside out. I can't, and won't, go through it again Druex, I refuse to," she whispered as they locked eyes.

       "I said this once and I'm going to say it again. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. So Brittney I can't let you go, not after everything that's happened. I love you too much," he replied as he leaned over and took her hand in his.

       "I don't want someone who won't love me until I'm gone or worse, he's gone," Brittney yelled pulling her hand from him.

       "It didn't take me five years in the Pen to realize that I love you girl. It took me one night, one lonely, one sad-as-hell night, one night that was full of pain and one ray of light," Druex growled, angry at her for insinuating that he didn't love her through that whole ordeal years before.

       Though she knew what night he was talking about she asked him anyway, "What night, Druex?"

       "The first night you stayed with me, held me, comforted me, loved me, a night I can't ever forget. December 3, 2001, I will never forget," he replied running his fingers over his low cut curls.

       Brittney looked away quickly so he wouldn't notice the misty state of her eyes, "Druex, how can we get through this? I don't think it's in me."

       "Can we at least try?" he asked hearing the emotion that she was trying to hide.

       "I don't know," she whispered as the first tears landed on her cheek.

       "Please, all I want is a chance," Druex whispered as he reached over and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

       "I gave you the biggest chance of your life, five years ago, Druex," Brittney said, biting her tongue so she wouldn't continue to cry.

       "I didn't ruin that on purpose Brittney, I promise I didn't," he said trying to keep himself from being too emotional.

       "Druex, you didn't ruin that at all and I know that. It was so perfect before it all fell apart. You know, it was like the calm before the storm but I'd do anything to go back," she whispered looking up at him with her bloodshot eyes.

       "I'm tired of seeing you cry, we both know we can't go back, no matter how much we want to. I want to make all of this better but I can't seem to find the right way to do that, for you or me! And damn, I love you too much to give up," Druex replied sighing loudly standing to his feet and began to pace the floor.

       Brittney watched him momentarily, trying to regulate her breathing, "You don't know how I used to wish you would say that."

       "I'll say it a thousand times if it will change anything," he said slowing his pacing just a bit to look at her.

       "You know it won't."

       Druex walked toward the door slowly knowing it was all he could do, he turned toward her as he opened the door, "So this is it?"

       Brittney, who had followed him, bit her lip, "No, I'm willing to be friends, nothing more possibly less."



       Brittney laid in bed that night, too scared to sleep, she wanted Druex but her heart and her mind were in a war. She couldn't choose which path she wanted more, to let of the past or just follow her heart. That battle led her to the past as she remembered a conversation between her and Druex the day after he father got wind of their relationship

        "What's wrong?" Druex asked as he directed her away from his boys.
       "Me and my dad had a fight earlier." She whispered as they sat down at an outside restaurant's table.
       "Over us?" He asked waving the waiter away from the table.
       "He made me choose and I chose you." Brittney frowned at him, like it was the first time she was thinking about it.
       "Why'd you do that baby?" Druex asked taking her hand for some reason that completely escaped her.
       "Because...I don't know. Why you gotta do what you do? How can it not bother you Druex! God, if you could do anything else then it wouldn't be so hard!" She rambled looking away from him ashamed she was speaking those words.
       "Oh, baby," He sighed gripping her hand tighter as the look on his face got harder, "if I didn't do what I do and if everything was changed then we wouldn't be together now would we?"
       "No," Brittney whispered as he moved his seat next to hers, "but damn Druex, how could you not feel anything when...you know?"
       He nodded his head as the cool breeze flew across their backs, "You wanna know how deep I feel this shit?"
       "Yea." She whispered laying her head on his shoulder as he spoke.
       "It shames me to no end, to feed poison to those who could very well be my kin. But where there's demand, someone will supply, so I feed them their needs, at the same time cry. Yes, it pains me to see them needy, all of them lost souls and I'm their Jesus. Deepest regret and sympathy to the street, I see no pity, for they fix when they kids couldn't eat. And with this in mind, I still don't quit, and that's how I know, that I ain't shit. My heart bleeds but that's aside from the fact. " He whispered in to her hair, he knew she heard him, he knew she understood him.
       "You are something more than shit, cause if you weren't I wouldn't be sitting here. I'm sorry I came down here and tried to make you feel guilty about what you do. That was not my intention." She replied sitting up looking him dead in the eye, right then she didn't know what was going on in her head.
       "Hey I'm not a thug, they don't dress this well, and I hate to think the game is my callin, cause it's got us singing lullaby's to our fallen. So don't worry baby." Druex smiled as she stood up.

       That was a time when she wasn't afraid of following her heart and losing it all; because then, in her eyes, she had nothing to lose and a lot to gain. But now, she wasn't the confused, depressed, pained young woman she used to be. Now she was someone new, a woman she had worked so hard to become, but it was partly Druex's fault that she had become this woman. The woman who hid her emotions, let nothing get to her, and kept her life between breathing, eating, and working.

       He told her not to worry then and he told her not to worry at the trial a few months later. But something always pulled at her heart, reminding her that she would always worry because things would never be what she really wanted them to be.

         Druex didn't return the sentiment, he just pulled her into his arms sighing wistfully, wanting to walk away from all of this. But he knew he couldn't, his fate was sealed years before, the ironic thing was that she was part of his fate, too. He knew she couldn't go through this shit again, this was too deep, and he had no way of taking it all away from her, "I told you not to worry."
       Brittney wrapped her arms around him breathing in his cologne wishing -- no praying that it wouldn't be the last time, "How can I not worry Druex?"
       "Baby, everything is gonna be fine," He said sternly trying to smile but only receiving a disbelieving look from her, "I promise."
       "Druex don't make promises you can't keep." Brittney whispered pulling her arms away from his clutch, getting a look of pure sorrow from the man she now wanted for her own.

       She stared out the window whispering to herself, "He always made promises he couldn't keep. I want -- no, need, stability and he can't give that."

       Brittney watched the waves outside before sighing loudly, "God but I still love him."

       She could still hear her voice in her head, she had tried to so hard that last day, five years ago. She had tried so hard to hold on.

       "Druex, I won't stay away from you."

       And yet he tried the noble route letting her go and that route seemed more painful than trying to get through the entire ordeal to begin with.

         "You have to baby, I won't let my mistakes fuck up your life. So...I want to say this," He whispered staring down at her hands trying to fight his own tears, "I love you. That's important to me, it's important to me to know that you know that I love you."

       Brittney gave a hollow, bitter, laugh as his words echoed in her head, "I know you love me. But is love really everything?"
.....
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful,
Or just a beautiful disaster?