Disclaimers: The usual – Paramount still owns ‘em, I still play with them.

Rating:  NC-17 for non-consensual sex; be warned, there is a rape scene, but not described in graphic                          detail

Notes: This story is set in the 5th season, shortly before ‘Equinox’.
 
 

                                                  B’ELANNA
 

By Mary S.
 

 
           “Captain!”  paged Harry Kim.  “I’m getting some very interesting data from our latest scans.   You might want to look at them.”

           Kathryn Janeway trotted out of her ready room, eyes agleam.  “What have you got, Harry?”

           “Readings from the fourth planet in the system twenty degrees to port, 1.5 light years ahead, indicate possible dilithium in crystalline form.”

           Everyone perked up – finding crystals was not easy.  Janeway wasted no time.  “Mr. Paris, alter heading.  Set a course for that planet.  Warp six.”

           “Yes, Captain.”

           Six hours later, the planet loomed on the viewscreen.  Harry had run a series of scans as they got closer, but was still unable to determine if there were crystals or not.  Voyager assumed a geosynchronous orbit and the captain called a brief staff meeting.  Readings were still erratic – something was blocking their scans. 
 
           After reviewing her options, Janeway sent down three teams, led by Commander Chakotay, Lt. Carey and Ensign Kim to search for crystals.  Two hours later, no one could report definitely whether there was or was not dilithium.  Scans simply would not provide clear data.  In desperation, the captain collected her chief engineer and had both of them beamed down, on the grounds that “if you want something done right, do it yourself.”

           B’Elanna had tried remodulating the sensors to filter out different factors, such as various natural ores, and had made some progress.  She readjusted two tricorders, gave one to Janeway, and suggested she start “over there” and B’Elanna would start “over here.”   In half an hour, both had worked their way to a medium sized cave tucked under a sheer cliff which, judging by the amount of loose rock at the foot, was not very stable.

           “Here, Captain,” called Torres.  “This looks more hopeful.”  And she slowly stepped into the cave, following a jump in the tricorder’s readings.

           “I’m getting a spike,” answered Janeway.  “Keep going – I’m right behind you.”  She paused.  “This is much more promising.”

           Meanwhile, outside the cave, all the away teams were picking up signs of a fast-moving plasma storm headed right for them.  Quickly, the leaders gathered their people and called for emergency beamout.  As Kim, Carey and Chakotay prepared for transport, Tuvok reported that he was unable to contact either Janeway or Torres.  Chakotay swore. 

           “Carey, Kim, get to the ship.  I’ll look for them.”  And to Tuvok.  “Can you give me their last location?”

           “Approximately one half kilometer southwest of you.  At the foot of a steep cliff with considerable fallen rock at the base.”

           “All right, Tuvok.  If we lose contact, hold the fort until the storm passes, then come look for us.  Chakotay out.”  And he ran hard in the direction Tuvok had told him as the wind gusted and clouds blotted out the sun.  There was the cliff.  Maybe they were in the open.  No, couldn’t see them.  Damn! 

           He started yelling as he reached the base; after several minutes, he thought he heard something and worked between the rocks to discover an opening to a cave.  The storm was nearly on top of him; they would have to wait it out on the surface.

           He shouted again and this time, definitely heard a reply.  He hurried in and found captain and engineer talking excitedly about crystals buried just under the surface of the walls.

           “Captain!  B’Elanna!”  he called.  “What are you doing?!”

           “Chakotay,” Torres exclaimed.  “Look at these readings!  Now it makes sense.  There is a mineral I’ve never seen before interwoven with the crystals.  And that mineral has properties that can block our sensors.  No wonder we couldn’t get clear scans.  We’ll need to bring out whole chunks and then separate them outside.  The captain and I have been trying to figure out ….”

           “B’Elanna, look at this!”  called Janeway.  “This is amazing!  Here is another ore – I’ve never seen anything like it!  It’s –“

           “Stop!”  bellowed Chakotay.  “Both of you!  Listen to me!  There is a strong plasma storm out there, came out of nowhere; we’re stuck here until it passes.  And I have no idea how long that’s going to be.”

           “Have you contacted the ship?” demanded Janeway.  “What about the away teams?  And why didn’t you contact us ….oh.  communications were probably blocked by these ores.”

           “Exactly, Captain.  All the away teams got back to the ship.  I didn’t even know you were here until Tuvok said he couldn’t reach you,” this last in an aggrieved tone.  Janeway had the grace to look a little shamefaced.  She had known he would not approve of her beaming down, so rather than argue, she simply hadn’t told him.

           “B’Elanna was able to modify two tricorders so we could scan more clearly, cut down the interference.  We wanted to see how well they worked.  And they do, much better than the others.”  She was prevaricating now, and they both knew it.  He decided to say nothing – let her stew in her guilt for a while.

           Changing the subject, B’Elanna asked if he had a wrist beacon as they did not.  Unfortunately, Chakotay didn’t either.

           “I think we better stay as close as we can to the entrance so we don’t trip.  This floor is quite uneven,” said Torres.  Even as they started to move forward, there was a loud crack, a boom and then the unmistakable sound of falling rock.

           “Get back!”  shouted Janeway.  “Cave-in!”

           Chakotay reached where he thought she was, found an arm and pulled her against his body as he huddled over her, trying to protect them both.

           “B’Elanna!”  he yelled, trying to locate her.

           “Right underneath you,” she replied.  “Where’s the captain?”

           “I don’t know.  I thought you were her.”

           They could do nothing until the slide stopped.  At that point, they rose carefully and felt around for Janeway before hearing a groan to their left.  It was pitch black, not a glimmer of light.  The air was full of dust, making breathing difficult.

           “B’Elanna, hang on to me.  I don’t want to lose you.  Do you have your tricorder?”

           “Yes.  How about you?”

           “Me, too.  Let’s work over this way.  Watch your footing.”  He raised his voice.  “Captain!  Can you hear me?  Try to make a noise so we can find you!”

           He was answered by another groan – “over here” said B’Elanna – followed by a fit of coughing, which became a yelp of pain when he banged into her shoulder with his boot.  They had found the captain.

           Chakotay fumbled with his tricorder, got it open and was able to just make out her form by its faint light.  He handed it to B’Elanna, crouched down and ran his hands very carefully over her.  Shoulders, head and one arm were free.  He picked at the rocks, easing them off her so no more would come down.  B’Elanna stooped beside him, and together they were finally able to drag her out.  Chakotay thought she had passed out – she was very quiet.   He got one hand under her shoulders, the other under her knees and lifted her.  The action produced another groan and he could feel something sticky running over his fingers – blood.

           “B’Elanna, she’s bleeding.  Guide me back to where I can set her down.”  Ever so slowly, they worked their way towards the rear of the cave.  B’Elanna finally stopped him and pulled at his arm.

           “I think this is as good as any.  We’re close to the wall here and the floor is smoother.  I want to explore further back – I think I can smell water.”

           “Let me check her first.  I’ll need your help. Hold her head – there.  That’s it.  Shoulders, arms, head, torso all seem to be okay – can’t feel…. wait a minute.  Here.  Left thigh.”  He felt carefully.  “Damn!  Wish I could see.  There’s quite a bit of blood but I can’t tell where it’s coming from.  Let’s rip this pant leg.”  He tore the outer seam from ankle to waist and spread it apart carefully.

           “Hold the tricorder over here – good.  It’s not much, but ….all right, now I see it.  There’s a gash on her leg.  It’s bleeding steadily.  Can you put down her head for a minute?  Use your jacket for a pillow.  Good.  Now.  Rip a piece off her pant leg.  I want to wipe away the blood, see how bad it is.”

           “Chakotay, that’s pretty deep.  We’re going to need to clean it and put on a tourniquet.  I’m going to see if I can find that water.  I’ll be quick.”  She hurried off, using the second tricorder to light her way and locate the water.  Chakotay listened to Janeway’s breathing; it was a bit shallow, but steady.  If they could bind up the wound, stop the bleeding, they could stabilize her until help arrived.

           B’Elanna reappeared, quite elated.  “The walls back there are damp.  It’s not a stream, but water is running down them.  Here.  I washed the rag.  Use that to clean the gash.  I’ll rip off another piece for a bandage.”

           Between them, they washed and bandaged Janeway’s leg.  Partway through, she came to, groaning as the pain took hold.

           “Easy, Kathryn,” said Chakotay in a gentle voice.  “I know it hurts.  We’re nearly finished.”

           “What happened?”  she demanded weakly.

           “You were caught in the cave-in.  We’re all right, but we can’t contact the ship.  We’re going to have to wait for them to dig us out.  You have quite a bad cut on your left leg, on the thigh.  B’Elanna and I have cleaned and bandaged it, but you need to keep still so it doesn’t start to bleed.”

           “I don’t think I could move anyway.  I feel dizzy and so thirsty.”

           “B’Ela, why don’t you rip off another rag, soak it in water and we’ll let it drip into her mouth.”  B’Elanna jumped up right away, and returned in a few minutes with a soggy bit of cloth.  Chakotay raised Janeway’s shoulders, supporting her head while B’Elanna gave her the rag to squeeze in her mouth.  She took it gratefully, and after sucking on it, laid it on her face.

           “Ohh, that feels much better.  Thank you.”  Her voice was stronger, more like herself.

           “B’Ela, can you take her?  I want to get a drink myself and…uh, explore.”

           “Sure.  There’s a spot at the very back that I used.  Well away from the walls.”

           “What are you talking about, B’Elanna?” asked the captain as Chakotay disappeared in the gloom.

           “Latrine, Captain.  What did you think he meant?”

           “Oh.  I didn’t realize.”

           “Sorry.  We had a kind of verbal shorthand in the Maquis.  Saved a lot of explanations that no one wanted to hear, anyway.  ‘Explore’ in that particular tone of voice means ‘I have to pee’.

           Mention of the Maquis brought to mind a subject that Janeway had wondered about for a long time.  “If it’s not too personal a question, B’Elanna, how did you end up in the Maquis?”

           “Oh, that’s a long story, Captain.”  She hesitated.

           “Don’t tell me if you don’t want to; I’m just curious.  Seems like a way to pass the time, that’s all.”

           Chakotay returned in time to hear her.  “Why don’t you tell her, B’Ela?”

           “I….I don’t know.  Some of it’s….pretty awful.”  She shifted uneasily.  Chakotay sat down beside her, eased the captain back against his shoulder, her injured leg resting across his, and reached out to B’Elanna with his free hand.  He stroked her cheek lightly and coaxed her closer to him.

           “Sit next to me.  There.  Have you ever talked about it to anyone?”

           “No.  Not really.  You know most of it.  And – I am really not comfortable discussing it.  It’s not a pretty tale, Chakotay.”

           “No, it isn’t.  All the more reason to get it out.  I’ve found the captain to be a pretty good listener.”

           B’Elanna sat still, then took a deep breath.  “All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Where to start.”  She paused.

           “How old were you when you first went to the Academy?” asked Janeway.

           “I was seventeen.  It was my first time away from my mother, away from everyone I knew.  I was so happy, but nervous, too.  I remember thinking that this was the beginning of a new life for me, that finally I could make something of myself, be judged for my abilities and not the way I looked.  Well, that lasted about two days before the roof fell in.”

           “Oh, B’Elanna,” said Janeway, sympathetically, “what happened?”

           “It wasn’t any one thing in particular; it was just… I didn’t know all the social nuances, how to behave in that kind of situation.  I grew up on a colony planet where none of the communities were very large, and I was always isolated, since I was the only Klingon.  My mother and I were tolerated, but never accepted.  So I wasn’t exposed to groups, to working and interacting with other people on a constant basis.  I guess the term is ‘socially inept’.

           “At the Academy, there were so many different species, I thought one half-Klingon could disappear in the crowd.  But it was just my luck to be placed with an Andorian and two humans as roommates that first semester.  The Andorian didn’t care what anyone thought of her, she was very arrogant and demanding.  The humans stuck together like glue and ignored both of us completely.  I was still on the outside.  I tried to fit in, to make friends but I didn’t know how.  I’d never had a friend, you see,” she added somewhat wistfully.  Janeway felt her heart twist.  She reached across and found B’Elanna’s hand.

           “I don’t mean to say I was absolutely miserable all the time,” she continued, “far from it.  The intellectual stimulation, the challenge was great.  I could feel my brain stretching.  And I liked the physical activities although I didn’t play any team sports.  Mostly, whenever my Klingon half would start to take over, I would run.  Nearly every morning, I would be out running before classes.  That helped a lot and eventually led to my being invited to join the track team.”

           “Were you?”  asked Chakotay.  “I hadn’t realized that.”

           “I remember when we were stranded on Hanon Four, you said you had been on the team,” remarked Janeway.

           “Yes, at the beginning of my second year, the track coach called me in.  I was so pleased that someone wanted me; I was determined to break every record at the Academy.  Seems sort of silly now.”

           “No, B’Elanna.  Not silly at all,” replied Janeway, softly.  “How did you find it?  Did you enjoy it?”

           “Oh, I loved it, Captain.  Right from the start.  I felt that, finally, I belonged there.  And then I met Max.  He wasn’t actually on the team but he liked to run, to keep in shape.  He became my running partner.  And then, very quickly, a lot more.”  She paused, took a deep breath.  “I fell for him, really hard.  My first love affair and I dived into it.  I couldn’t believe anyone could want me that way.  I was so happy.  He was very popular, and I felt so…privileged to be desired by him.  I had never experienced anything like this.  He taught me a lot that semester.”  She paused, reflecting. 

           “And then?”  prompted Chakotay.

           “Then, he dumped me.”

           “Oh, B’Elanna!”  exclaimed Janeway.  “Why?!  What happened?”

           “I don’t know; he never said.  Just announced after break that he wanted to split up.  Then he walked out.”

           “What did you do?”

           “What any upset Klingon would do.  I got angry – very angry.  I was devastated.  And when my Klingon side took over, I didn’t try to control it.  I fought with everyone – roommates, the team, my instructors, counsellors.  I fought with them all.   I couldn’t manage, couldn’t cope any other way.  And my pride wouldn’t let me ask for help.  I didn’t know how.  And Max was my only friend; I wasn’t close to anyone else.  Those few who did try, I pushed away.  I was too scared to let anyone near me.”

           “Oh, B’Elanna,”  Janeway said compassionately.  “How awful for you.  Did no one realize what had happened?”

           “I guess not.  Didn’t matter.  I wasn’t ever going to let anyone get that close to me again.  As you can imagine, my academy career nose-dived very quickly.  I knew I couldn’t stay there, so I left before the end of the second semester.  I don’t think anyone was sorry to see me go.”

           “Some were, you know.”

           “I remember you telling me that, when we first came to Voyager.  I couldn’t believe that anyone there could ever care about what happened to me.”

           “When we get home, B’Elanna, you’ll see for yourself.  A lot more people cared than you realize.  I wish you could have known that then.”

           “I wish I had too, Captain.  It would have made a difference.  But…” and she stopped.

           “What came next?”  asked Chakotay.  “What did you do?”

           “I didn’t know what to do at first.  I wasn’t going back to my mother, that’s for sure.  I had no training other than what I’d learned at the Academy.  I walked the streets for hours, and finally ended up in a bar near the main spaceport.  I’d just walked in when I overheard an older man talking to another about signing on his freighter.  Apparently, he was short several crew and had to leave the next day to keep his schedule.  On impulse, I went up and asked if he needed anyone else.  He asked how old I was – I lied;  he asked about my experience – I said I was an Academy dropout, that I had specialized in engineering.  Well, that part was true.

           “He looked me over a bit longer, then said “you’re hired.”  Turned out he needed someone to assist his engineer who was drunk half the time.  Most of what I know I learned in that engine room.  It was hard work, but I found I really enjoyed it.  Still do.”

           “You’re a wonderful engineer, B’Elanna.  You have an instinct for it that I’ve never seen before.  Starfleet lost more than they realized when you left the Academy.”

           “Thank you, Captain.  That means a lot, coming from you.”

           “So, you’re on the freighter…..then what?”

           “Well, eventually, after about eight months and a very circuitous route, we reached Bajor.  By then, I had settled in pretty well.  The captain was a decent man, had a family of his own, and he kept an eye on me.  He made sure my quarters were secure and that no one bothered me.  The cook, who was a jack-of-all-trades, taught me various fighting techniques, so I could defend myself.  When we stopped anywhere, one of them would usually go with me on shore leave.  We stuck pretty close together.”

           “How many in the crew?”  asked Chakotay.

           “Usually six, although sometimes the captain would take on an extra hand, someone wanting to work a passage from one place to another.”

           “You got to Bajor….” he prompted.

           “Yeah, we did.  And that was where we met you.  Why don’t you tell this part?  I need a drink, anyway.”

           “I’ll wait until you come back.”  He shifted a bit.

           “Are you okay, Chakotay?”  Janeway asked.

           “Yes, just a bit stiff.  There,” as he moved his leg, “that’s better.  How about you?”

           “Oh, I’m fine.”

           “Kathryn, don’t give me that.  Answer the question.”

           “Well – it hurts.  I mean, I can’t do anything about it.”

           “Does it hurt more than it did?  Does it feel like it’s bleeding?”

           “No, I don’t think so.  And it doesn’t hurt any worse, really.  It’s just – there.”

           “Do you want to try to sleep for a while?”

           “I won’t sleep, Chakotay.  Besides, B’Elanna’s story is keeping my mind off it.  I had no idea all this had happened to her.  I guess you knew.”

           “Parts of it, yes, although I’ve never heard it all before.”

           B’Elanna came back then and sat down, leaning easily against Chakotay.  He put his arm around her; he knew she would need it.  Then he took up the story.

           “I met Captain Dodarn in a bar in the capital of Bajor.  We had gotten our hands on a large shipment of medical supplies” – Janeway realized this was a polite euphemism for ‘stolen’ – “but we had no way of getting them to the worlds and people most in need.  As you know, our ships were meant for fighting, not carrying a lot of cargo.  The word had gotten around that this freighter captain was reasonably honest and looking for a job.  So we agreed to pay him only twice the usual rate, loaded his ship that night, and sent him off very early in the morning when the Bajorans could more easily turn a blind eye.

           “That run was successful, so when he returned ten days later, we hired him again to move provisions to an outpost in the badlands that supplied our ships operating there.  On the second day out, the ship was attacked and boarded by a Cardassian patrol.”

           “Oh, B’Elanna,” breathed Janeway, knowing only too well the fate of those captured by Cardassians, especially women.  “What happened?”

           B’Elanna was tense now, her body rigid against Chakotay.  He tightened his grip on her shoulder.  “Tell her.”

           “No, I don’t want to.”

           “B’Ela, you need to talk about it.  You’ve kept it in far too long.”

           “I …. was dragged off the ship with the others to a cell where we were kept between interrogation sessions.  The captain was questioned first.  We had nothing to hide so we told them everything, but they wouldn’t believe us.  The captain ….oh god! to this day, I can hear his screams!”  Janeway gasped a bit and tried to cough.  She was having trouble swallowing.

           “He died in the end.  And he didn’t know anything!  They were just doing it for fun!  Me, they didn’t even bother questioning.  I was handed over to the guards.  They took their time tearing off my clothes; I fought them as best I could.  But there were too many.  Eventually, they tired of the game and grabbed me.  Three of them held me down.”  Chakotay could feel her body shaking like a leaf, but she kept going.

           “They stripped me, and one started to touch me, shoving his finger up inside.  Then he pulled off his pants and raped me.  He…. they’re so big, much bigger than humans, and ….I tore, inside, and I kept to trying to fight them off,” she was crying now, “but I couldn’t , and then he got off me and another took his place, and I….”  and she stopped, unable to go on.

           Janeway reached across Chakotay to hug her.  “Oh, B’Elanna, sweetheart.  It’s all right now.  You don’t have to talk about it.”

           She sniffed and caught her breath.  “Yes, I do.  Chakotay is right.  If you can stand to hear it, I need to tell you.”

           “I can stand it.”

           “That’s the worst of it, actually, because at that moment, Chakotay and Kurt Bendera came bursting into the room and phasered everyone.  I remember you picking me up but that’s about all.  The rest is a blur.”

           Chakotay took over again.  “When we realized what had happened to the freighter, we tracked it to the point where it was intercepted by the patrol.   From there, it was relatively simple to follow them both to the outpost.  We organized a three-pronged attack and got out three survivors; the other three were already dead.  I realized at the time that someone had betrayed them, but it was a long time before I figured out who.”

           “Seska,” breathed Janeway.

           “Indeed,” answered Chakotay.  “I had just become ….involved with her.  I was not seeing very clearly then.”  He sounded guilty.

           “Chakotay,” said B’Elanna.  “I’ve told you before.  She had us all fooled.  You couldn’t have known.”

           “No, I suppose not.”  But he didn’t seem very convinced.

           “What happened then?” asked Janeway, anxious to get off the topic of Seska.  He continued.  “B’Elanna was bleeding internally.  It was something we had seen before so I knew I didn’t have much time.  We didn’t have anyone with medical knowledge on our ship, so I tried to patch her up myself.  I didn’t do a very good job, but I kept her alive.”

           “Chakotay,” protested B’Elanna, “you saved my life!  I’d say that’s pretty good.  And as for the rest, well, it’s fixed now.  You did the best you could with what you had.”  And she slid an arm around his back and hugged him.

           Janeway spoke up.  “I think I’m missing something.  What didn’t he do, and what has been fixed?”

           Chakotay and Torres looked at each other, she shrugged then nodded.  He went on.

           “As I told you, B’Ela was bleeding.  Her vaginal walls had been torn in several places.  I had one dermal regenerator which didn’t always work.  I had to locate the tears, then hope I was healing them with the regenerator.  I also used more old-fashioned methods – ice packs, pressure bandages, but there isn’t too much you can do for that sort of injury without surgery.  I was mainly concerned about whether she would survive.”

           B’Elanna continued.  “We didn’t know until later that my womb had been damaged as well.  There was infection, and when it finally healed, there was so much scar tissue that the doctor we finally got to in the badlands said I would never be able to have children.  I could conceive, but not be able to carry one to term.  It was our doctor, the EMH, who performed the surgery that finally corrected the problem.”

           “I had no idea!”  exclaimed Janeway.

           “No,” replied B’Elanna.  “Only Chakotay knew.  I wasn’t going to allow the procedure, but he said I would regret it if  I didn’t.”

           “And you would have, wouldn’t you?” he chuckled at her.  “You should always keep all your options open, B’Ela.”  And he stroked her hair. 
 
           “So, Captain,” said  B’Elanna.  “To answer your original question about why I joined the Maquis – partly because I had nowhere else to go, but mostly out of gratitude.  They cared for me when no one else did.  They respected me for my abilities and accepted me for what I could do, not who I was.”

           “You repaid us a hundred times over, B’Elanna.  The times you held that ship together, coaxed enough speed out of it to escape the Cardassians yet again; rescuing you was the smartest thing I ever did.  Helped to make up for all the stupid things.”

           B’Elanna looked down, blushing a little.  “I agree,” said Janeway.  “Lord knows where we’d be if you hadn’t bailed us out on a number of occasions.  Don’t ever sell yourself short, B’Elanna.”  And she squeezed her hand that she had been holding during her story.

           B’Elanna felt a warm glow; she had very rarely received praise in childhood, and not often as a young adult.  Only since joining the Maquis and later Voyager had she been able to take pride in her accomplishments.  She gave one of her rare smiles, then got to her feet.

           “I’m thirsty after all that talking.  I’m going to get a drink.  Want me to soak the rag, Captain?”

           “Please.”

           After she had gone, Chakotay sighed and relaxed a bit against the wall.  “Thank you, Kathryn.  You’ve done a lot of good today, more than you realize.”

           “What do you mean?”

           “As far as I know, that’s the first time she has talked about what happened to her, both at the Academy and after.  I’d never heard the full story until now.  I’m grateful to you for drawing it out of her.”

           “It wasn’t just me, Chakotay.  You helped – a lot.”

           “Still, I think you provided the catalyst.  She looks up to you, admires you tremendously.  You’re everything she wishes she could be.”

           Janeway was blushing now.  “Try not to build the pedestal too high.”

           He chuckled.  “Sorry.  But I’m not really exaggerating.  She’s had so much wrong in her life, right from the start, and yet she’s kept fighting, trying to better herself.”

           “Must be that Klingon blood.  Indulge my curiosity.  Did you ever consider having a relationship with her?  I’m almost certain she was in love with you at some point; it would be surprising if she hadn’t been.”

           “I know she was, for a while.  I ignored it at the time.  She was so emotionally fragile, and the last thing I wanted was for her to be hurt anymore – by anyone.  And Seska was there and I was involved with her, and by the time that ended, B’Elanna had backed off.  And, too, I realized a relationship with a member of my crew was really not a good idea, so I didn’t encourage her.  In hindsight, maybe I should have.  It’s hard to know.

           “One thing I am glad of is how close we became, in a way we wouldn’t have otherwise.  She’s like the little sister I lost so long ago.  A lot of times, she’s held me together, given me unconditional support and defended me when everyone else was questioning my orders.  I wouldn’t be here now if it weren’t for her.”

           Janeway patted his arm and leaned against him.  “That goes for all of us.  So how did you feel when she got involved with Tom?”

           “Jealous.  Resentful that I wasn’t first with her anymore.  And absolutely convinced that she could do a whole lot better than Tom Paris.”

           She chuckled at that.  “And now?”

           “It’s turned out so much better that I would have believed possible.  I’ll give him credit – he’s done a lot for her self-esteem in ways I couldn’t.  And, I believe now, he truly loves her and she him.”

           “I agree – completely.  Ah, B’Elanna, thank you for the rag.”  And she squeezed the cloth, letting the water trickle into her mouth.  Then they heard the sound of rocks moving.

           “Did you hear that?”  asked Janeway.  “Is it another rockfall?”

           Chakotay silenced her.  “Listen!”  And then they heard a faint call.  All three yelled out and were rewarded with a louder shout.  In what seemed like hours, but was actually a few minutes, a light shone through a hole in the area of the slide.

           “Captain!  Commander!  B’Elanna!” came Tom Paris’ voice.  “Are you there?”

           “Yes!” they all called at once.  “Over here!” added Chakotay.  They could hear shouts echoing on the other side of the rocks and then there was    more light as the hole was enlarged.  Quickly, Paris wriggled through and knelt beside them, handing out water and scanning them.

           “Well, you don’t seem in too bad shape.  We’ll have to get you out of the cave before we can use the transporters, though.”

           “How long has it been?”  asked Janeway.

           “About six hours, Captain.  Fortunately, the storm moved pretty fast.  Harry was scared you’d be stuck in here for days.”

           More of the away team climbed through and very soon, eased all three back out the hole, and outside.  All those stars looked pretty good, Janeway thought; glancing at her companions, she knew they were thinking the same thing.
 

       _______________________________________________________
 

           Two days later, Janeway stopped by B’Elanna’s quarters after shift.  Ostensibly, she wanted to discuss their dilithium reserves; in fact, she was concerned about how she was feeling.  Certainly, her revelations had dragged up some old unpleasant memories.

           “Captain, come in!” exclaimed B’Elanna, clearly surprised to see her.

           “I hope I’m not intruding.  I wanted to go over our dilithium situation with you.  It was most unfortunate we couldn’t extract those crystals.”

           “Of course; but you could have paged me.”  Trust B’Elanna to see through her subterfuge and call her on it.

           “I did have another reason,” she admitted.  “I’ve been debating about telling you this, but I’ve been worried about you these last two days, and ….
maybe it would help.”

           She looked more than a little uncertain.  B’Elanna was most intrigued – she had never seen her captain so hesitant.

           “Sit down.  Can I get you anything?”

           “Coffee, please.”

           As B’Elanna waited by the replicator, she speculated about what could possibly have Janeway so nervous.  It was so out of character as to be laughable.  She returned with their drinks and sat down expectantly.

           Janeway was silent a moment, sipping the coffee, then began with a question.

           “Have you told Tom about your experiences with the Cardassians?”

           “Some of it, yes.  He knows the basic story but not all the details you heard.”

           “Did he ever tell you about his father?  About what happened to him?”

           “You mean about him being captured by Cardassians?  He told me it happened.  I don’t think he knew any more.  He did say his father changed a lot after that, he became much more demanding.”

           “Yes, I guess he would have.”  Janeway took a deep breath.  “My very first deep space assignment after graduation was on the Icarus, under Admiral Paris.  We were on a scientific mission studying various astronomical phenomena, or so I thought.  In reality, we were spying on Cardassia.  As it happened, I piloted a shuttle with the admiral to check on a sensor array; we were captured by Cardassians and taken to their nearest base.  I was roughed up to some extent, and threatened with a pain device, but before they got to me, we were rescued.  However, the admiral was tortured for hours – just a few feet away from me.  I had to listen to him screaming, on and on – I nearly went crazy!  I have never, before or since, been so utterly terrified as I was that night.”

           She was very pale as she paused.  “What you went through, B’Elanna, was so much worse.  Chakotay was right when he said you needed to get it out, but dragging up all those memories …. I wanted you to know that I understand, in some small degree, the fear and pain you suffered.  And I want you to come to me – any time, day or night – if I can help.”

           B’Elanna was overwhelmed.  That her poised, confident, untouchable captain could ever have experienced anything like she had, even a little bit, left her astonished.  But as Janeway watched, she began to smile.

           “Thank you, Captain.  Trusting me with your story means a lot.  I….it does help.  I thought I had put it behind me long ago, but I guess it was all still there, festering.  I feel….liberated.  Yes, that’s the word.  Free, in a way I haven’t been in far too long.”  And she reached out to Janeway, who hugged her hard.

           “Have you had dinner yet, Captain?  Why don’t we go eat and I’ll bring you up to date on the dilithium problem.”

           “Sounds good to me.”  As they headed out the door, both feeling quite light-hearted, they pounced on Chakotay, who was just passing by, and carried him off with them.  He was so pleased to see them in such good spirits that he willingly abandoned his precious holodeck time; happy moments like this were all too rare

The End