FRIENDS AND LOVERS

 

Rating:  NC-17, references to non-consensual sex
 

Part 2:  Voyager
 

           One week.

           Chakotay sat sprawled in a chair in his quarters, staring rather blankly out the viewport, trying to make some sense out of all that had happened.
 
           Who would have believed that in one week, his entire life – all their lives, he reminded himself – would be turned upside down!

           The Delta Quadrant, for heaven’s sake!  Well, they wouldn’t have any more trouble from the Cardassians, or the Federation either, not counting the very determined captain presently sitting in her ready room three decks above.  On the other hand, it seemed they had already made a new enemy – the Kazon, a wild-looking bunch, arrogant and aggressive.  Shades of far too many races he had already met.  It seemed as though there were certain universal constants – inevitably, there was always someone who wanted what someone else had and wouldn’t hesitate to take it.

           His memory flitted from one scene to another – waking up on his bridge, astonished to learn that he and his crew had been unconscious for days and that B’Elanna was missing; answering a hail to find the Federation’s finest staring down her nose at him and fully expecting to be blown to pieces within seconds, only to have her offer an alliance instead; later, beaming on to her bridge with two of his trusted advisers, then discovering that one of them was a spy.

           He ground his teeth again as he recalled the shock and horror he’d felt on learning that Tuvok, so quiet and efficient, so dependable, was actually spying on them for Starfleet!   And right after that, he’d seen Tom Paris, mercenary, drunkard, traitor, standing on the bridge as if he belonged there!  He had believed that the man was in prison after being caught on his first mission for the Maquis nearly a year before.  The fact that he was here now made it pretty clear where Paris’ sympathies really lay.  It seemed there was no end to the duplicity that had surrounded him in the Alpha Quadrant.

           In the middle of everything had been Kathryn Janeway, quintessential Starfleet captain, and a woman he knew instinctively he could trust.  Although when he thought about it, perhaps he was someone who trusted a little too easily.  Just look at his crew, past and present.  Still, there was something about her – no-nonsense, upstanding and honest.  Painfully honest at times.  They had already had several heated discussions over procedure and personnel, and would undoubtedly have a lot more.  He was learning that he walked a very fine line between loyalty to her and loyalty to his crew.  Their crew.  He must remember that.

           He sipped at a cup of tea, found it had gone cold, and started to get up to fetch a fresh one from the replicator, but then hesitated.  Replicator use was rationed now; each of them only had a certain number of credits.    Did he really want to go without tea at breakfast in order to have another cup now?  A cup that he would probably allow to grow cold, as well.  He sat back down heavily and sighed, running a hand through his hair.

           His mind slipped to the latest conversation he had had with Captain Janeway.  She talked a good line about cooperation between the two crews, about the need to stick together so they would have a better chance of getting home to the Alpha Quadrant.  When push came to shove, however, she hadn’t hesitated to remind him that this was a Starfleet ship run by Starfleet regulations and protocols.  In other words, they would do things her way with no room for discussion.

           He sighed again.  Well, this time she was going to back down or else she would, once again, be short a first officer.  He would demand to be let off at the first habitable planet they came to.  And he suspected that if he went, most, if not all, of the Maquis would go with him.

           The door chime sounded and he called out.  “Enter.”

           B’Elanna stepped in almost hesitantly, as if she wasn’t sure whether she should be here.  He rose at once and went to her, putting his arms around her and holding her tightly to him, his face buried in her hair.  She shuddered once and clutched his back wordlessly.

           For several minutes, they just stood together, giving and taking comfort, trying to push away everything else.  But eventually, they had to come back to reality.

           Chakotay eased his grasp slightly so he could lean back to see her face.

           “Hey, how are you?” he asked softly.   “I’ve hardly seen you in days.”

           “I’m fine.  I…it’s hard, you know?  They aren’t very friendly, down there, and…I’m trying, really hard, to do things their way, even when I know it’s stupid and wrong and…!   Oh Chakotay, it’s awful!!” she wailed.  “And worst of all, I miss you!  So much!  I could bear all the rest but not to have you there beside me at night, so we can talk and hold each other?!  I’m so lonely!”

           “I know, sweetheart, I’ve missed you too, just as much.”  He bent and kissed her gently, his lips just easing across her mouth.

           She pulled back, smiling ruefully.

           “What?” he asked.

           “We’re not supposed to do this now, are we?  No fraternizing between officers of different ranks, isn’t that how it goes?  Maybe I shouldn’t even be here.”

           “No!” he replied forcefully.  “Don’t ever say that!  You belong with me, always.  That hasn’t changed, B’Ela.  And it won’t.”

           B’Elanna breathed a sigh of relief and buried her face in his chest.  For several days, when she hadn’t seen him and had had no contact except in the line of duty, she had begun to fear that she had lost him to the one thing she never would have believed possible – Starfleet regulations.   Thank the spirits that wasn’t the case.  He was speaking to her again, but her thoughts had made her miss his words.

           “Sorry?” she asked.  “What did you say?”

           “I said I had a ‘discussion’ with the captain a little while ago about you and me.”

           He had her full attention now.  “And?”

           “And I told her bluntly that we’re a couple, that we have been for a long time, and Starfleet protocol notwithstanding, we’re going to stay that way.  In other words, go pack.  You’re moving in here.”

           “Chakotay!  What did she say?”

           “Well, let’s just say she wasn’t too impressed but I put my foot down.  Either she accepts it or we get off.”

           “You mean it?!  But – we’d never get home then, would we?”

           “No, but really, B’Ela, what’s back there for us?  Not much.  Fighting all the time, never knowing when we’ll be attacked, always on the run.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t miss it one bit.”

           She nodded slowly, acknowledging the truth of his words.  Suddenly her heart felt a lot lighter.  She hugged him again, then let go and started towards the door.

           “Hey!  Where are you going?”

           “To pack up my stuff, of course.  Not that there’s much there.  I’ll be back before you know it.  Clear out a drawer for me, would you?”

           “Not a problem, I’ve got plenty of room.  See you in a few minutes.”

           Chakotay grinned to himself as she left.  Like it or not, Captain Janeway was just going to have to learn that she couldn’t have everything her own way.
 

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

           Another week passed and slowly, very slowly, the two crews found they were learning to work together.   Chakotay was still called on at least three times a day to settle one disagreement or another, but that was an improvement over the six times a day of the first week.

           While he felt it was way too soon to indulge in full-fledged optimism about their chances of survival, he did allow himself a faint hope.  That is, until the day B’Elanna lost her temper in Engineering and broke Joe Carey’s nose.

           Chakotay was not immediately informed of the altercation – a fact he intended to bring up with Tuvok when the immediate problem had been dealt with.  He returned to their quarters to find B’Elanna pacing furiously back and forth, alternating between screams of rage and tears of frustration.

           He tried to keep his voice gentle.  “B’Elanna, I know it’s difficult, but did you have to hit him quite so hard?”

           “He’s an idiot!” she snarled, waving her arms in exasperation.  “They’re all idiots!  Besides, I didn’t hit him that hard.”

           “You mean, you didn’t try to hit him that hard.”  He sighed.  “Sweetheart, you’re not making it easy for me.  Just today, when the captain asked me for recommendations for various posts, I put your name forward for chief engineer.  Breaking the nose of the senior Starfleet officer in engineering hasn’t exactly endeared you to her.”

           B’Elanna stared at him in shock.  “You did what?!  Are you crazy?!  She’d never consider me for such a post!  And after this,” she muttered, “I’ll be lucky if she considers me for waste extraction!”

           “That may be true, but I think you should be in charge of engineering.  You’re by far the best candidate – which is exactly what I told her.  However, she did make the very valid point that unless you can control your temper and learn how to get along with the Starfleet crew, it doesn’t matter how brilliant you are.”  He paced across the room, then turned to face her.  “Like it or not, we have to work with these people, live with them.  We could be out here the rest of our lives.”

           He fell silent, staring at her, wondering if she really understood just how precarious their situation was.  Then he chastised himself.  Of course she did, she wasn’t stupid.

           B’Elanna hung her head a little, knowing she should have behaved in a more professional manner.  “I’m sorry, Chakotay.  I…I’ll go and apologize to Carey right now.  I didn’t mean to make your job more difficult.”

           Chakotay came close and hugged her hard.  “That’s my girl.”
 
           She glanced up at him, wondering if she should ask the next question.  She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know, but curiosity won out.  “What did the captain say when you told her we’re living together?”
 
           “Very little, although I got the distinct impression she’s not very happy about it.  Funnily enough, she said that Tuvok supported our position.”

           “You’re kidding!  That turncoat?!  I don’t believe it!”

           “It’s true.  I asked him myself afterwards.  He said that in the time he had been in the Maquis, neither of us had ever exhibited anything other than complete professionalism while on duty.   I was pretty surprised, as you can imagine.  I think that’s what finally persuaded Janeway to give in, not that she had much choice, of course.”

           B’Elanna chuckled.  “Well, well.  Wonders will never cease.”  She got to her feet.  “I’ll go down to engineering now.”

           “Thanks, sweetheart.  I appreciate it.”

           He kissed her lightly then followed her into the corridor, heading to the turbolift.  “I’ll see you at dinner.”
 

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

           Another week passed.

           Chakotay’s hopes were slightly higher now.  To their mutual astonishment, Kathryn Janeway and B’Elanna Torres had discovered common ground – a love of engineering puzzles.  Each had a quicksilver mind that could grasp concepts and apply them rapidly to a given situation.  Very quickly, they found they could bounce ideas off each other like tennis balls, back and forth, until they arrived at a solution for whatever problem was currently plaguing them.

           Chakotay knew that B’Elanna’s abilities were natural – she had an innate talent for finding ingenious methods that no one else had thought of.  Apparently, the captain’s thinking processes worked much the same way.   Observing the two of them together, ideas flowing back and forth, was like watching an intricately choreographed dance, even if he didn’t understand one word in ten.

           He would never know how much their synergy affected the captain’s decision to make B’Elanna chief engineer, but he suspected it had played some part in the process.  And why not, after all?  Ability to communicate easily with her senior officers, to be able to ‘read each others’ minds’ in effect, was a very useful tool for a captain to have.

           Nevertheless, Chakotay was also quite aware of Janeway’s reservations about appointing a Maquis, a hot-tempered Klingon to boot, to such a senior post.   He understood her reasoning – B’Elanna had dropped out of the Academy, she didn’t work well in groups, and she was involved in a serious relationship with the second-in-command, a situation which could easily provoke charges of favouritism.  His own thoughts were that with time, B’Elanna would have no trouble proving her doubters wrong.  It was in the short term that they could well have problems.

           As Chakotay joined the captain on the upper level of engineering, and watched Torres take her first steps as chief engineer of a starship, he couldn’t help thinking that not many ‘fleet captains, regardless of circumstances, would have placed so much faith in people who had been sworn enemies such a short time before.  Janeway’s actions did much to reconcile him to her rigid adherence to rules and protocols.  She might be Starfleet through and through, but she wasn’t inflexible – she could bend when the situation called for it.

           He began to think there might even be cause for optimism.
 

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

           A month passed, then another.  Before they knew it, they were marking the first anniversary of their arrival in the Delta Quadrant.  Neelix inquired if he should organize some sort of festivities to mark the occasion, but, in view of the long faces he saw all about him, Chakotay decided it was probably not a good idea.

           They continued to be harassed by the Kazons and the Vidiians, as well as assorted other aliens – the Delta Quadrant was proving to be pretty hostile territory.  But somehow, they managed to hold their own and keep going.  The constant search for resources and food was another never-ending struggle, but again, somehow, they were always able to acquire what they needed one way or another.

           The two crews had mostly ironed out the kinks in their alliance and now worked smoothly together as a single team.    The only obvious difference between them these days was the rank bars worn by the former Maquis.

           Both Chakotay and Janeway would have been hard-pressed to say just when they had bonded together as one crew – it had been a gradual process, accelerated by Seska’s, and later, Jonas’ betrayals.   Very rarely now was there any grousing from one group about the other.  Most people had trouble remembering who had held allegiance to what in the Alpha Quadrant.  Out here, they were all loyal to each other, everyone recognizing the necessity of sticking together to survive.

           Most of another year passed before the crew suddenly faced their greatest test yet – abandoning their captain and commander on a planet for the rest of their lives while the ship continued toward the Alpha Quadrant.  Ultimately, this moment marked the total and complete unification of the two crews.  Thereafter, there would be no more Maquis and Starfleet, only Voyagers.

 
                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

           B’Elanna tore into sickbay, frantic with worry.  The doctor was rattling off orders to Kes as he stood waving a tricorder over the still form on the biobed.  She skidded to a halt just inside the door, terrified that she was too late, that Chakotay was dead.

           “Doctor?” she called softly, afraid to interrupt and yet needing to know.

           The EMH glanced around, then waved her over.  “Here you are, Lieutenant.  You may see the commander for just a minute.”

           “Is he okay?  He’s not dead?”

           “Dead?  No, not yet anyway.  But if I can’t figure out what is causing these convulsions, he soon will be.  Kes, try another shot of cordrazine, five cc.’s.”

           Kes filled a hypospray and injected Chakotay.  His muscles spasmed as his nervous system reacted to the drug, but he didn’t regain consciousness.  The doctor frowned.

           “I don’t like this,” he muttered, half to himself.  He glanced over at Captain Janeway, lying unconscious on the next biobed.  “I don’t like this at all.”

           He stood stock still for nearly twenty seconds before coming to a decision.   “Sickbay to bridge.”

           “Yes, doctor?” came Tuvok’s measured tones.  “Have you found a cure?”

           “No, I have not.  I want to put them into stasis for the time being.  That way, I can be sure that I’m not overlooking anything.  Right now, I’m so busy just trying to keep them alive, I don’t have time to do the proper research necessary.”

           “Very well, Doctor.  I will have Mr. Kim prepare two stasis chambers at once.  He will contact you when they are ready.”

           “Acknowledged.”

           B’Elanna had remained silent during this exchange, but now she moved to speak.  “How long are you going to keep them in stasis?”

           “For as long as it takes to find a cure,” answered the doctor determinedly.

           Even in the midst of her worry, she couldn’t help but think how far the EMH had progressed in less than two years.   He had started out as a short-term solution to a long-term problem but, in their forced isolation, had evolved well beyond his original programming.
 
           “Kim to sickbay.  I’ve got two stasis chambers all ready.”\

           “Thank you, Mr. Kim,” replied the doctor.  “Transport when ready.”

           B’Elanna’s attention was drawn back to the biobeds as the transporter beam shimmered over Captain Janeway.  A few seconds later, it latched onto Commander Chakotay.

           “How are they, Mr. Kim?” asked the doctor.

           “Fine, Doc.  The units are operational, all systems reading normal.  They can stay in there for the rest of the trip back to the Alpha Quadrant, if they have to.”

           “Well, I certainly don’t plan to take that long!” huffed the doctor indignantly.  “Now, Kes, let’s see what we can do…”

           B’Elanna left to return to engineering.

           In the following seventeen days, she found that she spent much of her off-duty time in the cargo bay, watching Chakotay asleep in the stasis unit.  At least, that was how she thought of him.  She would spend hours observing every line of his face, every pore, committing it all to memory, terrified deep down that he would die, despite the unit and the doctor’s determination.

           When the decision to leave them behind was finally made, for B’Elanna it was almost a relief.  She would lose him, yes, but at least he would be alive and well, able to live a full life on the planet below, just not the one they had envisioned together.

           As the one closest to Chakotay, it fell to her to pack his possessions.  When she looked around their quarters, she was surprised at how much they had managed to accumulate in nearly two years.  Chakotay always had liked picking up odd, little items which held some significance for him.  As she gathered all his things, the woodworking tools, the medicine wheel, his bundle of course, the bags of coloured sand, she felt the lump in her throat grow bigger and bigger with every one.

           Eventually, she sat down in the middle of the floor, tears pouring down her face as she clutched his favourite shirt, howling out her sorrow and pain.  She was never going to see him again!  For the rest of their lives, he would be on one side of the galaxy and she on the other!  It was too much!  She couldn’t bear to leave him!  But she knew she had to.

           At the height of her lamentations, the door chime rang.  At first, she didn’t hear it, she was crying so hard.  Only when it had rung for the third time, did she register that someone was on the other side.  She abruptly stopped sobbing and tried to rub her face dry.  She knew she couldn’t really hide the fact that she’d been crying – her tear-stained cheeks were pretty conclusive evidence.

           The chime rang again.  Scrambling to her feet, she called “Enter”, and tried to look as dignified as possible.  To her astonishment, the door opened to reveal Joe Carey standing there, a worried expression on his face.

           “B’Elanna?  Are you okay?  I came to tell you that some of us are gathering in the mess hall…”

           His voice trailed off as she turned slightly and the light fell full on her face.  Without saying another word, he stepped forward and put his arms around her.  She accepted his comfort numbly, quite unable to hide her feelings.

           “I know how much it hurts, B’Elanna, a lot of us have been through this.  But it will get easier, with time.”

           “Yeah, it’s just, right now…oh god! I feel so awful!”  She backed away and gestured around the room.  “I’ve been trying to pack his things, and it feels like I’m tearing out a piece of myself with every one!”  She paused, as she realized how her behaviour must look to him.  “I’m sorry.  I’m not being very professional.”

           “Your life is turning upside down – no one expects you to be unaffected by that!  That’s why I came to find you.  Now, what if I helped?  Would that make it easier?”

           She nodded slowly.  “It might.  Thanks, Joe, you’re very kind.”

           “You’d do the same for me.  Now come on.  Let’s pull over a crate and start filling it.”

           With Joe’s encouragement, they soon had Chakotay’s possessions packed neatly into a large container, which they sealed and labelled.  Both sat back, tired but relieved that this chore was out of the way.  Joe moved to get up, thinking she might want to be alone for a while.  To his surprise, she reached for his hand.

           “Do you need to be somewhere, or could you stay and have dinner with me?”

           “I can, but I think we should go to the mess hall and find the others.  We need to stick together right now.  All of us.”

           “Joe, I don’t know…Look at me.  I’m a wreck, I’ll probably start crying again.”  She sounded very hesitant, quite unlike her usual confident self.

           He took her hand and pulled her to her feet.  “So?  You think everyone else won’t be crying, too?  B’Elanna, they need to see you!  You’re closer to Chakotay than anyone else.  You have to show that you can do this, that you can leave him behind for the good of the ship.  If you cry, so what?  We’re all in this together.  Lots of people will be crying.”  He steered her over to the door and opened it.

           She gulped but allowed him to lead her into the corridor and along to the turbolift.  Before she had time to really compose her thoughts, they were approaching the mess hall.  She tried to hang back, but Joe just gripped her hand tighter.  He gave her an encouraging little smile.

           “You can do it, B’Elanna.  You can do anything.”

           She gritted her teeth and straightened her spine.  The door opened and they walked in to find most of the off-duty crew gathered in several groups, scattered around the room.  Neelix was trotting about, passing out plates of food, and a large punch bowl, filled with something bright pink, stood on the counter, surrounded by glasses.

           “B’Elanna, over here!” shouted Hogan from a corner.  She saw Mike Ayala, Henley and several of the other former Maquis sitting with him.  Also there were Harry Kim, Lindsay Ballard, Sam Wildman cradling Naomi, and, of all people – Tom Paris!

           ‘Good gracious!’ was her first thought.  ‘What is the world coming to when Paris actively associates with the Maquis!’

           She and Joe crossed the room and sat down among the group, several of whom, she now saw, were as tear-stained as herself.  Her heartache eased slightly as she realized that they were all feeling bereft and miserable. ‘A sorrow shared is a sorrow eased.’  Wasn’t that what Chakotay used to say?  Well, something like that, anyway.

           Neelix trotted up, trays of food in hand.  “Now eat up, everyone.  It helps, you know.   Tom tells me this sort of party is called a – what did you say it was, Tom?”

           “A wake, Neelix.  A way of saying goodbye to those you love.  It’s an old Irish tradition, usually held after a funeral.  I realize these circumstances are a little different, but when you think about it, we’re not likely to see the captain or commander again.  So it seems appropriate.”

           “Very appropriate,” B’Elanna found herself replying, surprised again that Paris would show such sensitivity.  Perhaps he wasn’t as much of a pig as she had believed.
 

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

           Six weeks passed, six weeks during which the crew sank deeper and deeper into their collective misery.

            B’Elanna found she couldn’t cope living in the quarters she had shared for so long with Chakotay, and after the second week, had to request new ones.  She was torn about moving, but in the end, she simply could not survive constantly surrounded by memories.  It was hard enough as it was.

           Much to everyone’s surprise, it was Starfleet’s perfect officer, Harry Kim, who proved the most rebellious.  Angry, defiant, he practically dared Tuvok to confine him to quarters for insubordination.  Even after he apologized, he didn’t stop, hatching plots in the Mess Hall, doing whatever he could to back the Vulcan into a corner where he would have no choice but to ask the Vidiians for assistance.

           What Harry didn’t want to realize was that Vulcans could be extremely stubborn if they believed they were following a logical course of action.  His actions only served to confirm Tuvok’s belief in the correctness of his decision.   In the end, it took Kes’ intervention to change his mind.  Tuvok might be proof against Harry’s wild-eyed demands, but he didn’t stand a chance with Kes’ gentle pleading.

           The Vidiians were duly contacted, Denara Pel proved instrumental in obtaining the required antidote, and Voyager was able to escape the trap the Vidiians had set, and return to the planet where the captain and commander were marooned.  Somehow, the time it took to get back to rescue the command team seemed to go a lot faster than had the trip away from them.
 

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

           Meanwhile, on the planet they had named New Earth, Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay began to build a life for themselves.  Although at first, Kathryn had spent every waking minute trying desperately to find the antidote for the pathogen that had infected them, eventually, after her equipment was nearly all destroyed in a plasma storm, she slowly started to accept her new life.

           At her request, Chakotay cleared a plot of ground beside the shelter, in which she planted both native seeds she had found as well as some included with their supplies from the ship.  To their surprise, the plants that thrived better than anything else were the Talaxian tomatoes.  They absolutely shot up, leaves sprouting thickly and little green tomatoes starting to form in a matter of weeks.

           They established an easy rhythm to their days, working on whatever project was current in the mornings, then spending the afternoons exploring the area around them, gathering berries, fishing in the river nearby, or maybe just going for a swim.  If the weather was inclement, they worked inside the shelter, finding ways to make it more of a home and drawing up plans for additions, which Chakotay assured her they could build out of logs.

           At the same time, they grew to know each other very well.  Although their temperaments were quite different, they found they complemented each other here as well as they had on the ship in a more formal structure.  The dynamics had changed – they were equals now instead of one commanding the other, but as rank fell away and they became just Kathryn and Chakotay, they discovered they got along better than they ever had before.

            Each supported the other during the inevitable bad times and bouts of homesickness.  Chakotay found his separation from B’Elanna especially hard to deal with, but Kathryn was able to help him through it, drawing on her own experience of nearly two years earlier, when she had been so suddenly wrenched away from her fiancé on Earth.

           It was almost a foregone conclusion that, as the initial pain of separation eased, they would turn to each other – there wasn’t anyone else, after all.   At first, Chakotay was very unsure of the change in his feelings about Kathryn.  He had liked and trusted her from the beginning, and had enjoyed her company on the rare occasions when she socialized with the crew, but he had known her primarily as the captain.  Except for Kes, she had not encouraged anyone to get too close to her.   And Chakotay’s first priority had always been B’Elanna – she had become the great love of his life, and he had never even thought of being with anyone else.

           Now, however, he had no other options.  B’Elanna was gone and the only person left was Kathryn.  Slowly he found himself starting to fall in love with this laughing, dynamic woman who had been buried under the captain’s façade and whom he had never known.  He would always love B’Elanna, but she wasn’t there.  Kathryn was.  Chakotay was a positive thinker, a person who always tried to make the best of whatever situation he found himself in.
 
           For her part, Kathryn was in the same quandary.  After the devastating plasma storm, she’d had to force herself to accept that she was never going to see Earth or Mark again.  At first, she thought her heart would shatter, but with Chakotay’s strength and support, she gradually began to take an interest in their life on New Earth.  And once she did, being the person she was, she started thinking up ways to make it better.   Chakotay was delighted with her change of attitude and resolved to do whatever he could to further her interests and ideas.

           The night that Kathryn complained of stiffness in her neck and Chakotay massaged it to relieve the pain, marked a turning point in their relationship.  Up to then, they had both successfully ignored the feelings burgeoning between them, putting them down to the forced intimacy of their situation.  But that night, when Kathryn felt her body respond instantly to his touch, and Chakotay nearly drowned in the fragrance of her hair, was when they both realized that what they felt was far beyond simple friendship.

           At first, she backed off reflexively, scared and unsure what to do.  No Starfleet manual had ever covered this situation.  But then she reconsidered, and in typical Kathryn fashion, decided they had to face their feelings head on.  Determined to categorize her emotions as she did everything else, she didn’t take into account Chakotay’s unique method of breaking down her defences.

           He told her a story, a simple little tale about an angry warrior and the beautiful, wise woman warrior who brought him peace.  By the end of it, she was in tears, understanding his metaphor only too well.  After that night, she decided to simply let events control themselves.  What would happen, would happen.

           Rather to her own surprise, she found her new outlook very liberating.  She was able to relax as she never had before.  Always, she had been driven to succeed; to do that, she had had to control as many of her circumstances as she could.  But now, there was no need.  The most she had to control were the weeds in her garden.  She could do what she wanted when she wanted without having to think very much about the consequences.  And if she wanted to fall in love with her companion, and he with her, well by golly, they would!

           They took their time, enjoying all the little moments along the way.  There was no hurry, after all.  This felt good and right, each was sure of the other, so why not revel in it?

           A week passed before they exchanged more than goodnight pecks on the cheek and then it was only a casual hug.  It was another week before they cuddled together one night outside on a blanket, Kathryn draped across his chest, while they named constellations.  The feel of her compact little body over his, one leg thrown casually across his hip as she turned to point out a shooting star, encouraged Chakotay to take the next step.

           As she faced across him, he rose up on one elbow, letting her slide down onto her back.  He leaned over her, gazing down into her widening eyes as she realized what he was about to do.  He waited a few seconds, giving her time to roll away if she wanted to.  She didn’t.

           Slowly, he dropped his head, angling it slightly to reach her mouth.  Her eyes never left his, drooping shut only when he was too close to focus.  Very softly, he brushed his mouth across hers, feather-light.  She sighed slightly, then reached a hand up to the back of his neck and pulled his head a little closer.

           He opened his mouth a bit and pressed down, breathing into her and of her.  His tongue slid out and prowled across her lips, tasting cautiously, then, emboldened as she pressed against him, pushed against her teeth.  She opened her mouth at once, letting him in to explore and rummage as he would.

           He finally lifted his head as he felt his lungs start to burn for lack of air.  She moaned softly, her eyes still closed, her fingers wound through his hair.  He debated whether they should stop now, while he still could, but just at that moment, her hand pulled him down to her again and he was lost.

           He moved to lie on top of her, his body hard and demanding, his mouth plundering hers as their passions rose.  This time when he raised his head, they were both panting softly.  His hand swept across her torso, touching, feeling, wanting more.  She gasped and wriggled against him as desire rose, clutching his shoulders and back.

           Lust coursed through them, blinding them to everything except their warm bodies pulsing against each other.  He gasped as he lifted his head, unable to stop or even slow down.  His hand tore at her clothing, tugging it free and pushing it aside.  The sudden cool air on her bare skin only served to inflame her further.  She pushed him back, then sat up to pull off her shirt and unfasten her bra.  As it slid away, he stared at her naked breasts for a second, then fell on them, licking, sucking, working the nipples into hard peaks.

           The wave of desire caught Kathryn off guard and she nearly climaxed then and there.  She leaned back on her elbows and threw back her head, pushing her breasts up at him, her hips starting to undulate.  He felt her movement and sat back to pull down her pants, dragging them over her feet and leaving her completely naked.  His eyes burned with desire – god! he wanted her so badly!

           She gazed up at him, the moonlight glinting off her skin, and licked her lips, then sat forward to tug at his shirt.  He rose to his feet, pulling it over his head, then unfastened his pants and let them fall before kicking them aside.  His thumbs went to the waistband of his briefs and he pushed them down, allowing his thick erection to spring free.

           Kathryn caught her breath at the sight of him – one gorgeous male!  And all hers!  She moved to her knees and carefully ran one finger over his penis, watching him all the while.  He half-closed his eyes in ecstasy and swayed slightly, reaching to balance a hand on her head.  A single drop of pre-cum glistened on the tip.   Still with her eyes on his, she stretched out her tongue and licked it off.  His hips jerked in response and he thrust forward slightly, unable to control his reaction.

           Slowly, he slid to his knees, facing her, his hand cupping her jaw as he bent to kiss her long and deep, tasting himself on her tongue.  His free hand massaged her breasts gently, one at a time, then wandered down her body, over her stomach until one finger found its way into her pubic hair.  He tugged ever so lightly, then went a little lower, cupping her mound in the heel of his hand, fingers sliding along her labia.

           She reached for him, stroking, rubbing, grazing the hard shaft with her nails, then bent slightly to cup his testicles, kneading them.  He groaned then, and pushed his finger upward slightly against her clitoris and flicked it.  She gasped and pushed against his hand, panting heavily.

           “Kathryn,” he moaned.  “I can’t wait, love.  You feel so good.  I want you, want to be inside you.  Kathryn!”

           “Then come to me, Chakotay,” she purred, her voice deep velvet.

           Chakotay grasped her hips with both hands and lifted her forward so she straddled him.  She gripped his shoulders, balancing as she positioned herself right over him.  Then, in a final moment of stimulation, she gripped his penis and ran the tip up and down her vulva, pushing it hard against her clit.  He shuddered and gritted his teeth, trying desperately to hold on, dangling right on the edge of complete ecstasy and loving it.

           Once, twice, three times she slid him up and down, then pushed his tip inside.  He tried to go slow, knowing it had been a long time for her, but the lust had him now and he couldn’t wait any longer.  Frantic, he gripped her hips and drove up hard, his body rigid as his entire being was concentrated inside her vagina.  His head went back and he roared as his penis thickened even more, then began to eject great spurts of semen, flooding her completely and running down her thighs.  Again and again, his hips spasmed and jerked as he filled her, until finally he was completely drained.

           His head came forward and he looked at her, somewhat abashed.  “I’m sorry.  I just couldn’t hold back any longer.  Kathryn, I…”

           “Ssh,” she soothed.  “I enjoyed watching you.   You were beautiful, you know.  No one has ever let go for me like that.  It was wonderful!”

           He grinned.  “Well, let’s see what we can do for you now.  Are you comfortable?”

           “More or less.  The knees are getting a little stiff, but other than that, I’m fine.  And I don’t want to move if we don’t have to.  What about you?”
 
           “I like it just fine where I am.”

           She grinned at him, then bent to kiss him softly.  He let his thumbs slide over her breasts, kneading them, then put one arm behind her back, pushing on her shoulders to make her lean back, and bent to take a nipple in his mouth.  The motion forced her hips forward as well, and to her amazement, she could feel his penis, nearly softened, start to harden once more.  She wiggled slightly and sure enough, her motion made it swell.  She tightened her vaginal muscles, then relaxed, then tightened them again.  Even as she did so, she could feel it growing inside her, fatter, harder.  It felt strange and wonderful and extremely erotic.  His lips sucked down hard on her nipple as his teeth lightly grazed the skin.

           She felt the wave start to grow in her abdomen, hot, dark, demanding, and made no effort to control it.  She clutched Chakotay’s shoulders and let the orgasm build – higher and higher, hotter and hotter, overtaking her senses until all she knew was lust and an all-consuming passion.

           Her hips jerked frantically and he gripped them, holding her in place, awestruck as he watched her let go of all self-control.  There, right there, she was on the edge, her body stiff, and then she shouted out as the climax crashed over her, sobbing and crying with release.

           Her orgasm was enough to trigger his own, and he came only a moment later, ejaculating into her, filling her once more as they thrust frantically against each other.

           Gradually, their movements eased and their bodies slowed as lust ebbed away, to be replaced by a great contentment.  Chakotay’s head fell forward onto her shoulder, while Kathryn’s nudged against his ear.  They remained still, relaxed now, unwilling to break the spell until stiff muscles began to cramp and forced them to move.

           Kathryn eased herself off him, then fell onto her back, grinning wildly.  “Oh my!” she gloated.  “You are incredible!  Never have I had an orgasm like that, ever!  I don’t do that sort of thing!  It felt wonderful!”

           Chakotay eased down to lie on his side beside her.  “I can’t take all the credit.  You’re pretty incredible yourself!”  He leaned forward and kissed her gently.  She shivered a bit, and sat up.

           “I’m starting to get chilly.  Why don’t we get cleaned up and go to bed?”

           “And which bed shall we sleep in?  Because, let me tell you, you’re not sleeping alone after this.”

           “Maybe we can put the mattresses together on the floor.  That would work until we can build a proper bed.   What do you think?”

           “Sounds just fine.”
 
           He took her hand, then rose to his feet, pulling her up with him.  “You know, Kathryn, maybe we didn’t choose to be here, but I’m very glad we are.  We’re going to have a good life.”

           The next day, while Chakotay was explaining his idea for building a boat to sail down the river, Kathryn’s commbadge started to emit several sounds – first, static and then, a voice.  Tuvok.   Voyager was coming back for them.  They had thirty hours.
 

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

           B’Elanna strode down the corridor to the transporter room, quite unable to hide the huge grin spreading across her face.  She was trying very hard to behave in the professional manner deemed proper in a Starfleet officer, but inside her heart was singing with joy.

            He was coming back!  In just a few minutes, she would see him alive and well.  All the misery and anguish, the heartache that she had felt six weeks ago, had vanished, to be replaced with the greatest happiness she had ever known.
 
           She entered the transporter room to find the operator standing at the controls, waiting for the captain’s order.  She nodded to him and turned, her heart pounding with anticipation.  Behind her, she heard the door open again and felt Kes come to stand beside her.

           “Janeway to Voyager.  Two to beam up,” came the familiar husky voice.

           The pads shimmered and then – there they were!  B’Elanna stepped forward, her eyes running over Chakotay hungrily, eagerly.  His expression was neutral, a mask, she realized, as if he were holding his emotions under very tight control.  He stared blankly in front of him until her movement caught his attention.  For a split second, he froze, his eyes glued to hers and she wondered at the apprehension she saw in them.  But it was only a second, and then he was moving forward off the pad, his hands held out to her.

            She was in his arms at once, laughing in delight, hugging him tightly as if she would never let him go.  And indeed, her first words confirmed that impression.  “I am so glad to see you!  Don’t you ever do that to me again because if you do, next time I’m coming with you!  I couldn’t possibly go through this again!”

           Over her head, Chakotay glanced up to see Kathryn staring at him, a smile pasted on her face but her eyes haunted.  His mouth tightened and he looked away.  He eased B’Elanna back and smiled gently at her.  “I have to go to the bridge with the captain, but I’ll come down to engineering as soon as I can.  Okay?”

           His voice was strangely subdued and she stared at him, puzzled.  “Yeah, sure, whenever.”

           She retreated slowly to the side of the room, watching as he strode out the door after the captain, whom, she realized belatedly, she had completely ignored.  Oops!  Well, she would apologize later after shift.  She turned and followed them towards the turbolift, her mind turning over Chakotay’s muted reaction to her.

           All the way down to engineering, she tried to figure it out.  He hadn’t seemed happy, not happy at all, and not really glad to see her, either.  What was going on?!  What had happened on that planet, anyway?

           A nagging suspicion was growing in the back of her head, but she shoved it aside, refusing to allow it to take hold.  It wasn’t possible!  He couldn’t have stopped loving her that quickly, that easily, could he?  Surely not!  After all, they had been together for so long!  It didn’t make any sense.  She hadn’t stopped loving him, not one bit.

           She strode into engineering and picked up the first data PADD she found, trying to concentrate on her work and ignore the nasty thoughts crawling through her head.  When Hogan asked how the commander had seemed, she nearly took his head off.  Thereafter, her staff left her alone, knowing only too well that when she was in this foul a mood, it was wise to keep out of her way.

           By the end of shift, some four hours later, Chakotay still hadn’t put in an appearance, so B’Elanna decided to take the bull by the horns and confront him.  She had to find out what was going on – she couldn’t function like this.

           She demanded his whereabouts from the computer as soon as she entered the lift.  When informed he was in his quarters, she barked, “Deck Three”.

           She marched down the hallway and rang the chime firmly, then asked herself what on earth she was doing.  She hadn’t chimed for entry to his quarters for years.  But – something was different, now, she knew, and she no longer felt comfortable just walking in.

           The door opened while she was still trying to decide what to say to him.  He watched her walk in but made no move toward her.  B’Elanna bit her lip, the nagging suspicion growing into certainty with every passing nanosecond.

           “Hi,” she began awkwardly, not knowing how else to start.  “I…uh, looked for you but I guess you were too, uh, busy to get down to us, in engineering.  Hogan was asking about you,” she added hurriedly.

           “Yeah, I was hoping to, but I had to get a lot of work done, catch up, you know…”  His voice trailed off as he continued to gaze at her, apparently as uncomfortable as she.

           She choked as a sob jumped into her throat.  “Chakotay!”  she cried.  “What’s happened?!  Tell me!  I thought,” she took a deep breath, trying to settle her voice.  “I thought you’d be as glad to see me as I am to see you.  But you’re not, are you?”

           At her cry, he had started forward.  Now, he took her hand and led her over to the sofa under the viewport, seating them both.  He bit his lip, rubbing his thumb over her hand, then finally raised his head to look directly at her.

           “B’Elanna, I’m sorry.  I hoped we wouldn’t have to have this conversation so soon, but I guess I can’t hide anything from you.”  He paused, then sighed and went on.   “We thought we’d be there the rest of our lives, that we would only ever have each other.  And, as time went by, we grew very close.”

           “How close?” she managed to whisper.

           “We fell in love, B’Ela.”

           Her free hand flew to her mouth, trying to hold back the sobs threatening to burst out of her.

           Chakotay continued to play with her fingers, his eyes never leaving her face.  “I found it so hard at first, without you.  I nearly went crazy sometimes, I missed you so much.  But Kathryn helped, she helped a lot.  She knew just how I felt; after all, she’d been through the same thing herself when Voyager was pulled into the Delta Quadrant.  She was engaged to a man on Earth, so she knew what it was like to suddenly lose someone you love.

           “It didn’t happen then.  I mean, I’ve always liked and respected her, and I guess unconsciously, I’d found her attractive, but I never thought about it because I had you and I didn’t want anyone else.  But, as the days and weeks passed and we came to accept that we were truly alone, I found myself letting go of you and turning to her.  We only really acknowledged it less than two weeks before the ship came back.”

           He paused, but she remained silent, so he finished.  “B’Elanna, if I had had any idea at all that I would ever see you again, I would have waited, but…I didn’t.”

           “Did you sleep with her?”

           Oh damn! thought Chakotay.  He’d hoped she wouldn’t ask, although he should have known she would.  B’Elanna never pulled her punches.  Better tell her the truth.  “Yes.”

           She gasped, then bit her lip as she felt her insides twist in anguish.  “How…how often?” wondering why she was even asking, but she had to know.

           He sighed and let go of her hand, rising to his feet to stand facing the viewport.  “Once.”

           “I see,” came very softly from behind him.

           Silence reigned for over a minute before he turned to look at her, still seated on the couch.  Her head was bowed, one hand over her mouth, the other wrapped across her stomach, holding herself together.

           He went to kneel in front of her, again covering her hand with his.  Her eyes flew to his, the pain in them wrenching at his heart.  She was right on the edge of tears, he knew, but wouldn’t give in.  Klingon pride held her back, wouldn’t allow her to break down in front of him now.  He felt tears prick his own eyes, but for her sake, would not allow them to fall.  What a mess!

           She was speaking.  “What now, Chakotay?  What do you want to do?”

           “I…don’t know.   I guess I better talk to Kathryn.  See what she says.”

           B’Elanna struggled to her feet, suddenly desperate to get out of there, away from him and to her own quarters, where she could cry her heart out without interruption.

           “I better go.  I…” she edged toward the door, “I’ll see you around.”  And she bolted as quickly as she could.

           Chakotay watched her leave, knowing exactly what was going through her mind and hating himself for hurting her so badly.  But he hadn’t known what else to do.  Their relationship had always been grounded in complete trust and honesty with one another.  And she knew him too well.  He couldn’t hide his feelings from her and he certainly couldn’t lie.  He just wished she hadn’t demanded answers quite so soon.

           He shook his head ruefully.  That was B’Elanna all over.  Charge straight through and never mind the consequences.  Subtlety was not her strong point.

           His thoughts turned to the other love of his life.  Better leave her alone tonight.  He didn’t think he could face her right now, and suspected she wouldn’t want to see him either.

           Too tired and unhappy to even bother eating, he stripped off his clothes and went to bed, heartsick and miserable, suspecting he had lost not just one love but both.

           The following evening, Chakotay decided he could no longer delay his talk with Kathryn.  He requested to see her after shift, and when she demurred, demanded he be allowed to speak with her.  Rather than create a scene on the bridge, she retreated to her ready room, but he followed her in and refused to leave until she agreed.  He walked back out feeling as though he had won at least one small victory.  Better enjoy it, he thought ruefully, it could well be the only one.

           Promptly at 1930 hours, he presented himself at the captain’s quarters and requested entrance.  He found her at her desk, scanning a PADD quickly before adding it to the pile on one side.  She looked up at him almost impatiently, in full captain mode.  There wasn’t a trace of Kathryn.  His heart sank.

           “Now, Commander, what is it you wish to discuss?”

           He wandered over to the viewport, then turned back to stare at her face, trying to find some vestige of the woman he loved.  Nothing.

           He sighed and began.  “I wanted to talk about us, about where we go from here.”

           She interrupted before he could continue.  “There is no ‘us’, Chakotay, you know that perfectly well.”  Her voice was irritable, as though she were explaining the obvious to a particularly obtuse child.

           Chakotay felt his temper rise at her tone.  “The hell there isn’t!  What do you call what happened three days ago?!  Or are you just going to ignore it completely?!”

           Kathryn jumped to her feet and strode out from behind her desk to plant herself right in front of him, hands on hips and eyes blazing.  “You’re damn right I’m going to ignore it and that’s what you have to do as well!  We don’t have any choice!  I’m the captain!  You went through command school.  You know the rules as well as I do!”  Her voice softened slightly.  “Chakotay, why are you making this so difficult?  I mean, it’s hard enough as it is, why deliberately add to the misery?”

           He stared at her in shock.  Even though he’d had a nasty feeling that she wouldn’t allow them to continue their romance, he hadn’t expected her to reject him outright and pretend to ignore everything that had happened on New Earth.

           “Besides,” she added, her voice starting to quaver, although she swallowed and settled it, “you can go back to B’Elanna.  She certainly seemed very glad to see you.”

           That did it!  He moved right into her face and snarled, “And you think I can just go back and pick up where I left off?!  Is that it?!  Well, maybe you can, Kathryn, but I can’t!  Like an idiot, I’ve fallen in love with you!  I can’t turn off my feelings like a tap!”  He backed off and turned away from her.  “Besides, she knows what happened.   She doesn’t want me now, either.”  His voice was bitter.

           “How could she…?!  You mean you told her?!  Chakotay!!  How could you?!”

           “She knew something was wrong.  She knows me pretty well, she could tell right away.  I only confirmed her suspicions.”  He looked around.  “I’ve never lied to her, Kathryn, and I won’t start now.  If you don’t like it, well...”  His voice faded and he shrugged his shoulders, then sighed, and walked slowly to the door, hoping Kathryn might make some move to stop him, but she remained still, only her eyes following him.  Just as he reached the entrance, she spoke softly.

           “Chakotay, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.  I…didn’t want it to turn out this way.”

           He didn’t look back.  “Neither did I, Kathryn, neither did I.”

           The door opened, then closed and he found himself standing in the corridor with nowhere to go but his quarters.  He started down the hall to another lonely night in his bed.
 

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
 

            Chakotay let two days pass before coming to the conclusion that he simply could not continue on this way.  He dropped into engineering unexpectedly, hoping to catch B’Elanna by surprise so he might better gauge her reaction to seeing him.  She looked a little startled, but otherwise hid her feelings well behind a professional façade.  She was very much the Starfleet officer around him nowadays, he realized, and regretted again the way they had fallen out.  Well, perhaps he could do something about that, at least in part.

           He leaned on the railing by the warp core, watching her fingers fly across a nearby console.

           “Can I help you, Commander,” she inquired politely, “or is this a surprise inspection?”

           He smiled gently, hoping she would look at him, but her eyes remained fixed firmly on the panel in front of her.

           “B’Elanna, look at me?”  he called softly.  Her face snapped up to his.  “That’s better.  This isn’t an official visit.  I just wanted to see how you’re doing, and ask if you’re free tonight.”

           She stared at him, not disguising her astonishment.  Then she nodded slowly, turned to face him and crossed her arms.  “I might be.”  Her voice was guarded, but at least she wasn’t turning him down flat – yet.

           “I want to talk to you – without interruption.  Join me for dinner?”

           Her expression closed down.  “What’s there to talk about, Chakotay?  I think you said everything in our last conversation, didn’t you?”

           He sighed audibly and ran a hand through his hair.  “Things…have changed since then.  I…look, I don’t want to get into it here.”

           She stepped back to the console, growling low in her throat.  “You hurt me pretty badly the other day, Chakotay.  I can’t let you do that to me again.”  She paused, then swung around.  “Come into my office.  Let’s get this over with now.”

           She walked away as she spoke, leaving him no choice but to follow.  Chakotay sighed.  This wasn’t going to be easy.

           He trailed into the cubicle after her, activating the door to close as he did.  Hopefully her staff would get the message and let them have this conversation without interruption.

           She sat down in her chair and turned to face him, perched on her desk.  “Okay, talk.”

           Following her example, without more ado, he plunged in.  “I spoke to the captain two days ago.  She refuses to allow anything more than a professional relationship between us.  In fact, she is ignoring everything that occurred on New Earth.  As far as she is concerned, it never happened.”  He hesitated, unsure what to say next.  To his surprise, B’Elanna started to laugh.
 
           “Dear me!  Leaves you rather out in the cold, doesn’t it?  So what do you want from me?”

           “I don’t know exactly, B’Elanna.  I…know I hurt you – badly – and I’m really sorry for that.  I don’t expect to just pick up again where we left off.  I couldn’t do that any more than you.  Maybe all I’m asking is – could we be friends still?  Would you be willing to try?”

           She stared at him, then rose to stand right in front of him, her eyes gazing deep into his.  One finger came up to trace his tattoo very lightly.  “I’d be willing to do that.  Anything else – I don’t know.”  She sighed heavily and turned to sit down again.  “I still love you, I don’t think that will ever change, no matter what you do.  I can’t just stop.  But it hurts because I don’t feel as if I can trust you right now.  Do you see what I mean?”

           Chakotay nodded slowly, his eyes filled with sorrow.  He stood and took her hands, then pulled her close to him, hugging her tightly.  “I’m so sorry, B’Ela.  I wish we could go back.”  He released her and moved to the door, then looked back.  “Thank you.”   B’Elanna nodded silently as he left.

           She continued to sit for some minutes, pondering his request.  Truth be told, she didn’t know what to do.  Although Chakotay hadn’t actually said it, she suspected that if she announced she was moving back in with him, he’d welcome her with open arms.  Or maybe not.  After all, he hadn’t said that he was no longer in love with Kathryn Janeway, just that she would not permit a personal relationship.

           Best to take it slow and see what developed.  At least, he still wanted her in his life, albeit not in the same way as before.  She sighed and got to her feet.  Better get back to the diagnostic she’d been working on when he arrived.  ‘Nothing like work to take your mind off your troubles,’ she remembered her mother saying more than once.

           It was just at the end of shift when Tom Paris and Harry Kim showed up in Engineering and announced that they needed a fourth for the latest pool tournament in Sandrine’s and she was it.  In vain, she protested that she had a ton of work to do.   ‘It’ll still be there tomorrow,’ pronounced Harry, while Tom had a much simpler solution – ‘delegate’.

           B’Elanna suddenly thought, what the hell!  She deserved a night off.  She took them each by the arm and strode out of Engineering, laughing far too hard at one of Tom’s silly jokes.  Tonight, she would forget everything and just enjoy herself.