Title: A Matter of Honor
Author: Briana L. Wright
Rating: PG-13
Codes: J, C/T
Author's notes: Written from Janeway's perspective. Minor revisions as of March 11, 2003.
SUMMARY: The captain's true feelings about Chakotay & B'Elanna's relationship are revealed in a journal entry and could jeopardize her friendships with both.

 

I made an enemy out of Chakotay today. He came to my quarters just as I was going through a box of old journals. 

The first few were innocent enough—mostly about me rambling about how homesick I was, and how much I missed Mark. I never suspected that there would be anything there to incriminate me.

Until I found the one entry, dated six months ago, revealing the nature of my feelings about his relationship with Lt. Torres. I was shocked, of course. No doubt my eyes had shown it. "It's nothing," I lied.

"The strongest friendship is built on a foundation of trust, Kathryn," he’d said. His morality only provoked the guilt that was building in the pit of my stomach.  And he insisted on reading it.  So I handed it to him.

Stardate xxx-xxxxx

"As captain, I’m not required to intercede in the personal affairs of my crewmen as long as it isn’t detrimental to their duties. It’s inappropriate to judge them, otherwise. However, there is a small matter of my first officer and my chief engineer. They are newly involved. So far, their romantic involvement hasn’t conflicted with their professional conduct. Duty is fulfilled properly; meetings are met promptly. But recent events have given me reason to be concerned.

I witnessed their first physical encounter in a turbolift. They were—as we call it on Earth—making out. It was entirely shameless. A second time was after one of Ensign Kim’s concerts in the mess hall. I saw Chakotay fondling B’Elanna in a nearby corner. Their lack of discretion hasn’t stopped since. Yesterday I found them having sex in engineering.

I hadn’t planned on running into them, of course. I had gone to check on Torres to see that she had completed the tasks I had assigned earlier. Her voice was the first I heard as I entered the room. Then Chakotay’s. I thought I heard them whispering. The last thing I saw was the two of them engaged in a compromising position. The only intelligible sounds I could make out were in the form of mutually exchanged gasps and moans. Considering the numerous displays of affection I’d seen by then, they probably wouldn’t have cared had they known I was there.

It’s not their behavior that I have a problem with; it’s the repercussions of their highly active sex life that disturbs me. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s heard the climactic screams coming from his or her quarters at night.

But to be fair, Chakotay and B’Elanna Torres are not the first couple whose extracurricular activities have caused ship-wide gossip. I won’t even contemplate the idea of regulating when my officers can and cannot have sex. That’s ridiculous. This is just a phase they’re going through—the exhilaration of a new relationship, no doubt. It’ll pass. After all, it is possible to have too much of a good thing."

His expression said everything, afterwards. 

His jaw was taut. His eyes were dark. I had betrayed him.

I tried to rationalize my innocence. "Chakotay, I wrote that six months ago. Don’t take my words out of context."  I hadn’t intended for it to come out so casual. "Out of context?" His voice rose. "You thought I was using B’Elanna for sex. Tell me if I’m wrong?" I couldn’t find the words to answer.

I watched him pace my quarters. "I can’t believe this. For crying out loud, we’re adults! Did you ever consider that we might actually have things in common?"

"She’s so young," I lied again.  "I thought you had something to prove."

"Four years younger. That’s not so far off the scale."

Even I didn't believe myself.  How could I be so stupid?  "I apologize if I’ve offended you, Chakotay."

He turned away from me in disgust. Even if he had seen the guilt in my eyes, they would've made no impression on him.

"Not that I imagine it would make any difference to you, Captain, but I do love her. We have our differences, yes. She has a temper the size of a black hole.  I don't.  I'm spontaneous.  She isn't.  Opposites attract.  Yes, we have sex, and yes, we express our intimacy in public, but it's because we're in love. Maybe even more than either of us is prepared to admit right now."  Suddenly, the shame I felt made me want to vomit.  I had defamed the one person he cared about most—right there, on paper. I didn’t even have the courage to admit my insecurities. "I know. I do see that."

But I wasn't a fool.  I knew Chakotay wasn't convinced.

He got up to leave. I tried to salvage both my dignity and his friendship.  "Please, Chakotay. I never meant to hurt you."  

"It’s too late for that. And to be honest with you, sir," he stressed the formality as if to spite me, "it doesn’t make a difference if you can see that I care for B’Elanna now or ever."

My words had made little impression on him. I was left with only my guilt to entertain.

 

I spent the following days inside of a shell. I was social just enough to evade suspicion. Outside of duty, I detained myself within my quarters. Not usual behavior for a starship captain, I realize, but I had not put myself in an ordinary situation, either. Chakotay avoided me, as I knew he would.  And honestly, I was somewhat grateful for the distance. I didn’t have to face his disappointment and anger twenty-four hours a day. So for the time being, my nerves were at ease, even if my conscience was not.

B’Elanna was not so accommodating.

I had anticipated her confrontation. Chakotay would have told her what had happened. My only plan was to be as rational as possible…even if I had to do it for the both of us. 

It was in the evening when she came. "Kathryn."

I kept my tone even. My posture, non-threatening.  "B’Elanna."

She stepped toward me, and I hid behind my rank to shield her intimidation. "Let me remind you, Lieutenant, that I’m still your captain. I will not tolerate any violence brought against me." So much for remaining calm. Since when did I let my own officers intimidate me?

"I didn’t come here to fight you, Captain. I’m a little more mature than that."

I was succeeding quite well at making an ass of myself. "Then I apologize."

She walked towards one wall, then turn to the other. Not so unlike Chakotay’s pacing days earlier. I found it ironic.  He was right.  They did have more in common than sex.  

"It seems you’re apologizing for a lot these days." She knew about the entry.  She knew, and she was obviously upset. I did the best I could to keep my will in tact.  "Not for anything I can’t admit to."

B'Elanna walked around the sofa where I was sitting.  "I just have one question."  

She was treading on dangerous ground, but I was not about to back down.  "And what is that, Lieutenant?"

"Are you jealous?"

Though a was mildly shocked by the question, I should've seen it coming.  B'Elanna was not the type to tolerate any other woman mooning over the men she was with. And maybe I wasn't trying as hard as I could've been to hide the obvious.

I chose my words carefully.  "Perhaps…I was. Not anymore." That was the truth. My feelings for Chakotay went no deeper than friendship. It was eeing them together that had sparked something in me.  It was more envy than jealousy. 

I sat staring up at her, never taking my eyes off of hers. It wasn't long before she took a seat in a chair not far from where I was.

"I don’t appreciate being insulted," B'Elanna said. "Starfleet Captain or not." Coming from her, it came out as a warning, almost.  Had it been I in her shoes, I can't say I would've acted differently. "I understand. I was out of line, and I'm sorry." Was I about to lose her respect, too? The stifled conversation between us made it difficult to tell.

Her reserve seemed softened as she glanced out the port window and back to her lap.  I wondered what it was that motivated her to come in the first place.  We had never been close.  I knew that if anyone, her loyalties were to Chakotay.  They had always been since the day the Maquis crew came aboard this ship.  Was it possible that her coming had been a matter of honor?  B'Elanna had never been one to uphold Klingon tradition, but maybe Chakotay's influence had caused her to change.  

"Kathryn," she said after a few moments, "I realize that what Chakotay saw was something that was meant to be private. He wasn’t supposed to have read it, and I wasn’t supposed to have heard about it." 

That I didn't see that coming.  She continued: "He was upset was because your true feelings made him feel less in your eyes. He has nothing but the utmost respect for you, but your dishonesty hurt."

It was clear that I couldn't hide behind ignorance anymore, and deception certainly wasn't an option. "I know. I regret that."  It was silent again before I asked her, "B’Elanna. Can Chakotay ever forgive me?" It was what I had thought about most in the days I'd spent hiding in my quarters.

"Give him a few more days. He’ll come around, eventually."

"And you?" 

She hesitated before she answered.  "I can't tell you what to think or feel, Captain.  Frankly, your opinion of our relationship doesn't matter to me.  But for Chakotay's sake, I will say this: In the future, tell him the truth.  At all costs."

She stood and turned towards the door. 

"B'Elanna...I am sorry."

When she looked back before walking out, I could see that my apology did nothing to change her opinion of me.  "I know."  If I couldn't have her friendship, then at least I would have her acceptance.