INTRODUCTION
II:
Serial
Synopsis by Chapter
Whizzle's
Classic SF Stories
All-Gory
Pulp Parodies
by Today's Authors
In the Style of Yesterday's Giants
All
Bill Hillman Contributions Copyright 1997-1999
by
Bill and Sue-On Hillman, Inc.
Maple
Grove Productions
The tribulations
of a pulp author in the electronic age transcribed by
an unusual gang
of idiots: Tangor and
Bill
Hillman
The narrator explains how he obtained this story from a panhandling bum in a bar. For the price of a few drinks the man turned over a computer diskette with this story and other classified CIA information. The tale that follows is an agent's long narrative of an incredible tale.
CHAPTER SYNOPSES:
RATNAZ FILES: BOOK I
Foreword ...by Tangor
CHAPTER I: The Return of Ratnaz ...by Tangor and Bill Hillman
Famous pulp author Edgar Nyce is interrupted while writing in his study by his personal secretary Rathmind who brings news of trouble. The hero of his famous Ratnaz novels is drunk again and won't come down from the trees. This is of great concern as Rodent Pictures has a great deal invested in the Ratnaz trademark. This is the last straw for Nyce who stops work on his new novel, Ratnaz's List Adventure, to run out to the front yard of his Ventura Boulevard office to shout at the man in the trees while at the same time cursing his old enemy Boz.whom he feels is behind this.
CHAPTER II: Jumbled Tales of Ratnaz ...by Bill Hillman
Upon seeing Ratnaz, Lord of the Leaves, in the trees, Ed's mind flashes back to the man whom he thinks is responsible for Ratnaz's condition --Brace Bozhart -- his life-long thorn in the side. Over the years Boz had led Edgar into a long series of troubles: first was that trouble with High Chef Bertha La Rapo in the basement of the primary school cafeteria -- an incident that resulted in Boz stealing the love of his life - Jane Porker. Then Boz caused Ed to flunk West Point, and talked him into running off to join the Cavalry to fight Geronimo's Apaches which got Ed into nothing but trouble. Ironically it was these misadventures that led Edgar Nyce to become a famous teller of tall tales.
CHAPTER III: The Beasts of Ratnaz ...by Tangor
Ratnaz falls from the tree and lands in a drunken heap a Ed's feet. Taking the wasted man inside Ed and Rathmind learn that Boz is responsible for the apeman's bender in an effort to sabotage their contract with Rodent Pictures. Learning that studio head Nick Miser is on his way over, they try to sober him up with coffee. Realizing that the task is futile they decide to hide him out in the barn/warehouse with the penned burros.
CHAPTER IV: Son of OB...by Bill Hillman
Nick Miser and Brace Bozhart carry on with a business meeting while riding in a limo on Ventura Boulevard to visit Edgar Nyce. Boz is trying to discredit Ed and to make his own deals with Rodent Pictures. Meanwhile, Rathmind has hidden a now sleeping Ratnaz in the barn with the beasts - which include a cow that has just been delivered on behalf of the scheming Bozhart. Ed dozes and has another flashback - this time about his disastrous honeymoon with Enna. He follows this with recollections of how Boz became a very rich and powerful man at Ed's expense. Ed is brought back to reality by cries coming from the barn: "Fire!"
CHAPTER V: Ratnaz and the Yellow Jacket ...by Tangor
Ratnaz is taken from the barn by two costumed crime fighters - Yellow Jacket and Splay-Toe - who warn him about Bozhart's evil plans to wreck his career. Splay-Toe sets Ed's barn on fire as a diversion.
CHAPTER VI: A Princess of Bars ...by Tangor
Dee Dee Morris, beautiful daughter of Kojak Morris, has been working as a stripper at Mars Markus' club to save her father's financially-plagued Helium Supply business. On the rebound from a disastrous relationship with no-good boyfriend Dan Darter, Dee Dee falls for the line offered by club patron Brace Bozhart. He offers her a job as secretary for his wife Jane Porker and dazzles her with his bravado. Assuring her that he has saved her father's business, he whisks her away in his limo. Radio news reports that a fire has broken out near Ventura Boulevard.
CHAPTER VII: Portal of Peril...by Bill Hillman
Learning of the barn fire, Ed sends Rathmind to rescue Ratnaz while he looks for a garden hose to fight the blaze. His search leads him to Otis Elevator Klimb's old house, now occupied by two mysterious Brits as Klimb had run off some time ago with Ed's wife Enna. Ed investigates strange noises in the unlit garage and plummets downward through an open trap door.
CHAPTER VIII: The Giant Rodents on Helium by Bill Hillman and Tangor
On his way with Miser to visit Nyce, Bozhart gloats over his successes: he has negotiated a contract between Rodent Pictures and Kojak Morris Helium Supply -- and he has managed to gain control over Morris's daughter Dee Dee, as well as Edgar Nyce and his character Ratnaz. Upon noticing a fire at the Nyce offices, Bozhart phones detective Herlock Cabyns in London for help in finding who else has a grudge against Nyce.
CHAPTER IX: Pellucifar...by Bill Hillman
Englishman Devon McGuinness, Lord Greatstrokes, and his eccentric techno geek friend Carmon Nappie, have been working on an underground burrowing device, The Pellucifar, under the old Otis Elevator Klimb house next door to the Edgar Nyce office bungalow. Their goal is to plunder underground bank vaults around Southern California. In the final moments of the countdown before launch of the burrower, a body falls through the open hatch from above.
CHAPTER X: The Characters that Mimes Forgot ...by Tangor
Yellow Jacket and Splay-Toe drop off a dishevelled Ratnaz at a three-story office building, directing him to room 22. Here he meets three private eyes: Ike Slammer, Dickie Spillway and Cam Spaid who are trying to pin the goods on Bozhart. Moving to the next room for a shower and change of clothing, Ratnaz is surprised to meet a seductive double agent from his past: Bertie Ketchum.
CHAPTER XI: The Gams That Man Forgot ...by Tangor
Dee Dee Morris learns over the breakfast table that her father, Kojak Morris, knows she has been working as a stripper to help save the family Helium Supply company. They also discuss the assistance offered to them by Bozhart - her new job as a secretary to Boz's wife and the helium contract with Rodent Pictures. Dee's old boyfriend Dan Darter makes an unwelcome appearance and makes a threatening move toward them.
CHAPTER XII: Into Klimb’s Abyss ...by Bill Hillman
We learn that immigrated Canadian Splay-Toe is a devotee of all things Chinese and that crime fighter Yellow Jacket is really Bryce Lee, the illegitimate half-Cantonese brother of Brace Bozhart. On their way back to Nyce's Ratnaza residence, they notice they are being followed. To elude the mysterious car, they turn into a darkened building only to find their car plunging downward into unknown dangers.
CHAPTER XIII: The Bandits from Hell’s Bells ...by Bill Hillman
After a night of seductive de-briefing, Bertie and the three private eyes lead Ratnaz out of a an office building and leave in a '49 Ford...followed soon after by a yellow 1966 Camaro, that pulls out of Farris's Big Wheel Club. Ratnaz becomes suspicious but is placated by Bertie's loving caresses until they pull up to a Ratnaza bank. Bertie accompanies Ratnaz to safety deposit box #22 in the bank vault. She coaxes the combination out of him and retrieves an oil skin packet containing gems, photos and documents. At that moment a giant burrowing machine bursts through the wall of the vault threatening to impale them.
CHAPTER XIV: Airship 2-U-2 ...by Bill Hillman
Dan Darter steals Kojak's master key to the Helium Works, kidnaps Dee Dee Morris and makes off in an old used truck he has purchased from Jed of Clampett Auto Sales. We learn that Darter's promising flying career and sterling personality have been lost as a result of unknown terrors he had experienced at the hands of a savage jungle tribe. Upon reaching the Helium Supply, Darter fills a huge bovine shaped air sac with helium. To this balloon he attaches the Clampett vehicle as a gondola and directs the make-shift airship eastward to Death Valley. Weeks earlier, while at the Grimley Wave hair salon, Darter had overheard a colourful prospector, Zany Grany, tell of a giant rift in Death Valley from which flew fantastic prehistoric creatures. Now high over the desert and desperate to escape from a fate worse than death, Dee Dee Morris, Princess of Bars, releases her grip and plunges to what surely must be her doom.
CHAPTER XV: The Game's a Foot ...by Tangor
Herlock Cabyns and Dr. Datsun arrive in the US by Concorde to help Bozhart. They then board a private BB, Inc. jet where they meet Boz's assistant Hillie Billman who is either from Canada or West Virginia and who seems to have an obsession with Moby Dick. The passengers are tossed about violently as the pilot takes evasive maneuvers to avoid a missile launched by a black F-16.
CHAPTER XVI: Into The Inner World ...by Tangor
Edgar Nyce finds himself an unwilling passenger of the Pellucifer Burrower launched by neighbours McGuinness and Nappie on a sinister mission to rob underground bank vaults. Ever-curious Ed pushes a wrong button on the control panel and sends the machine out of control, resulting in an explosion.
CHAPTER XVII: The Mad King Sings ...by Tangor
Yellow Jacket (Bryce Lee-Bozhart) and Splay-Toe return to their secret hideout. We learn that Bryce is the illegitimate son of powerful magnate Buzz Bozhart and June Lambchop. Vowing to regain his birthright, Byrce has taken on the Yellow Jacket persona and has started a campaign against Buzz and Brace Bozhart.
CHAPTER XVIII: The Fateful Plunge ...by Tangor
Dee Dee Morris is saved from her fall off the Clampett dirigible by a loop of rope that has twisted around her foot. Dan Darter pulls her on board, but she demands that he take her back to her father's Helium Supply. A fireball emanating from the out-of-control fires along Ventura Boulevard below then engulf their craft.
CHAPTER XIX: The Inefficiency Expert ...by Tangor
Ratnaz and Bertie Ketchum escape the huge drill of the Pellucifer burrowing machine and run from the bank vault leaving the three private eyes digging through the treasure laden rubble. Soon after, the three men, Dickie Spillway, Ike Slammer and Cam Spaid, are torched by a wall of flame resulting from exploding gas mains. Safe on the street above, Ratnaz vows to find who's mucking with his life.
CHAPTER XX: A Fighting Man of Bars ...by Tangor
Dee Dee Morris' father Kojak, and her employer Mars Markus, rush to the Helium Supply to rescue the Princess of Bars from the clutches of Dan Darter. They find Dee's charm bracelet lying on the ground but the girl has vanished into thin air.
RATNAZ FILES: BOOK II
CHAPTER 21: El Rancho Ratnaza ...by Bill Hillman
Edgar Nyce had moved to Southern California many years earlier to build a mansion and ranch he called Ratnaza. Much of the ranch was subdivided into chicken farms when he fell on hard times. Ed also had a plan to build a theme park in the caves under the ranch. Phase I of the plan was the miniature Nyce World, but the idea was stolen by Miser for his RodentLand theme park before Ed could open it. Brace Bozhart then called in old debts and had Ed evicted -- turning the property over to his half-brother Bryce. Bryce, who is really the crime fighter Yellow Jacket, used the caves to hide all his crime fighting vehicles and weapons. Also stored there is his F-16 which Splay-Toe takes out on his first solo flight. Soon after take-off he sees and attacks the hated Bozhart BB, Inc. executive jet. A bird crashes through the canopy of the F-16 and Splay-Toe loses control of the jet which screams earthward.
CHAPTER 22: “You’re a Lucky Girl...Bertha La Rapo!” ...by Bill Hillman
Bertha La Rapo, long-time friend of Edgar Nyce, followed him from Chicaco to move into a chicken ranch on the Ratnaza Ranch property. She supplemented her income by posing for Nyce illustrator Allen J. St. Jacques. She too has fallen upon hard times. Lately her chicken coop has been experiencing night-time raids from strange creatures from the nearby La Gaspack Tar Pits. Now, while beheading chickens, an underground explosion hurls her chicken coop, masses of tar from the pits and the contents from a nearby bank vault skyward toward two aircraft flying overhead.
CHAPTER 23: The Terrible Game A-Foot ...by Bill Hillman
(Wherein Our Intrepid Sleuth Plays A-Hand, Looks A-Head and Is Set A-Back)
Celebrating their close escape from an oncoming missile, Cabyns calms himself with a Pez injection and invites Datsun and Billman to join him in a Klezmar jam session. Upon landing at Bozhart's complex in Death Valley they are taken to his underground office for a meeting. The conference is interrupted by Hilary who barges in and charges toward them with a harpoon.
CHAPTER 24: The Hair Rage of the Desert ...Bill Hillman
Morris and Markus, baffled by Dee's disappearance, are joined at the Helium Supply lot by Zany Grany leading two burros and a singed cow. The old teller of tall tales points out that Dee is being carried away toward Death Valley in a cow-shaped airship. They are horrified to see the balloon disappear in a cloud exploding gases. Unable to start their car they ride to Dee's rescue on Zany Grany's mighty cow.
CHAPTER 25: Into the Depths ...Bill Hillman
While Ratnaz chases a cab, Bertie examines the pouch retrieved from Bozhart's safety deposit box. Besides valuables, she discovers compromising photos of celebrities and a secret computer code. Seeing one of two overhead aircraft hurtle to the ground after an explosion in the sky, they race to the Gaspack Tar Pits to rescue a pilot who bailed out. Unable to reach the sinking pilot, they are picked up by a mad man in yellow car who then drives straight into the deadly muck of the pits.
CHAPTER 26: The Dancing Girl of the Leper Guy ...Bill Hillman
Subterranean explosions send the Pellucifer Burrower out of control and after a long journey, they emerge in a shallow lake. Ed, Greatstrokes and Nappy are horrified to see a madman with a harpoon charging at them.
CHAPTER 27: The Prize Chump of Helium ...by Tangor
After their airship is struck by an exploding missile, Dee disables the attacking F-16 by throwing a piece of their gondola in its path. After saving the life of the cowardly Dan Darter, Dee realizes that their crippled dirigible is plunging into the Gaspack Tar Pits.
CHAPTER 28: Together--Again!...by Tangor
After picking up Ratnaz and Bertie, Bryce Lee-Bozart, the Yellow Jacket, drives his amphibious car into the tar pits to rescue his comrade Splay-Toe who has sunk beneath the surface. After the rescue Yellow Jacket realizes that his passengers have disappeared from the back seat.
CHAPTER 29: The City of Ancient Heads ...by Tangor
Frustrated by Zany Grany's slow pace, Markus and Morris take off on foot but eventually commandeer a tandem bicycle. They are accosted by a band of aging hippies who turn nasty and close in on them.
CHAPTER 30: The Case of the Speckled Do-Do ...by Tangor
Under the delusion that the Pellucifer Burrower that has crashed into Bozhart's swimming pool is Moby Dick, Hillie Billman attacks it with his harpoon. Bozhart, Cabyns and Datsun escape to "The Vacation House" in a limo driven by a shapely female chauffeur. Meanwhile Hillie is sucked underground by the water escaping from the pool
CHAPTER 31: The Eternal Barbarian...by Tangor
After emerging from the tar pits in the YellowJacketMobile, Ratnaz carries Bertie off to high ground. They express their mutual feelings of love and realize that there are powerful unknown forces at work. They suspect that Bozhart is behind the strange happenings.
CHAPTER 32: Twenty Inches Under the Sea ...by Tangor
Lord Greatstrokes and Nappie gain control of the Pellucifer Burrower and resume their plan to plunder bank vaults. Captive Edgar Nyce prepares to meet his doom as he feels the British Lord's revolver placed to his temple.
CHAPTER 33: The Best Little Chicken Ranch in Tappan Range ...by Bill Hillman
Boz, Cabyns and Datsun arrive at the famed Chicken Ranch Vacation House on Tappan Range where Boz's jealous wife, Madame Jane Porker, attacks the comely limo driver. In Boz's desert headquarters, the British sleuths are amazed a the man's technical expertise. Bozhart shows them his secret Bananarchy Handbook and reveals his plan for world domination. Only Edgar Nyce, who knows the location of the secret valley where the final necessary element is located, stands between Boz and the fullfilment of his evil plans. Their meeting is interrupted by a desperate cry for help.
CHAPTER 34: Escape from the City of Ancient Heads ...by Bill Hillman
Morris and Markus, through clever use of battle strategy and battle songs, defeat the ancient heads. They take advantage of a sudden cloudburst to escape in a Volkswagen mini-van. They are soon startled to hear an unearthly moan coming from the rear of the van.
CHAPTER 35: Alone in the City of Mummies ...by Bill Hillman
Zany Grany, heading home to Death Valley, finds himself in a desert sandstorm on Tappan Range. Seeking shelter from a dust storm and an attacking giant palomino he enters a darkened, cold tomb-like building. He finds himself surrounded by artifacts and inanimate beings in western wear. Frightened, he pushes through a door labelled RR (Roy Rogers) and finds himself again facing the raging sandstorm. He and his burro are unexpectedly seized by giant talons and carried off high above the sandstorm.
CHAPTER 36: Ratnaz and the Forbidden Valley ...by Bill Hillman
Edgar, still a prisoner in the Pellucifer Burrower, sees his life pass before his eyes as he awaits death from the pistol pressed to his head. He thinks of Ratnaz and how he had found him during an expedition to unexplored Africa to track down the giant ape, King Dong. He discovered a tribe that made sacrifices to the great ape and also a survivor of a plane crash, a white boy named Rat Naz (Goat Kid) whom the tribe had raised with their sacrificial goats. Ed returned to civilization with the Goat Kid, a map to the Valley of Dong, and a supply of magic bananas which grew only in the secret valley. He was unable, however, to free another white man whom the natives planned to sacrifice to King Dong. The chapter ends with an explosion which Ed fears signifies the end of his life.
CHAPTER 37: At the Mercy of the Elements ...by Bill Hillman
Dee Dee Morris, realizing that her damaged airship is sinking into the La Gaspack Tar Pits, releases the contents of a helium tank into the now tar-covered balloon and cuts loose the gondola. She unsuccessfully reaches to rescue Dan Darter as the now-buoyant air sac lifts her from the tar pit and carries her over the La Rapo chicken ranch. Meanwhile Hillie Billman is struggling for his life in an underground stream.
CHAPTER 38: "I escape the pit." ...by Tangor
Failed, luckless and cowardly mercenary Dan Darter is saved from the dreaded La Gaspack Tar Pits by grasping a rope thrown to him from the mysterious occupant of a 1966 Camaro on the shore. He is dragged --tarred, bruised and bleeding -- from the pits and for some distance over the Ratnaza countryside.
CHAPTER 39: Midnight At The Oasis ...by Tangor
Tired and seeing that much of Ratnaza is in flames, Ratnaz and Bertie check into a motor inn. Refreshed after a meal, shower, and change of clothes, the two lovers settle down to a night of passionate shadow charades.
CHAPTER 40: The Origin of the Lord of The Leaves, The Mystery Explained
..by Tangor
Edgar Nyce carries on with his flashback to Africa and his memories of King Dong. We learn more about the unusual giant ape King Dong and how he had acted as mentor to the young Ratnaz. Ed is startled out of his reverie when Greatstrokes pulls the trigger of the gun he has pressed to his head - it turns out to be only a water pistol -- a cruel joke. McGuinness offers great riches if Ed will join them in their plan to loot the banks of Southern California.
THE RATNAZ FILES: BOOK III
CHAPTER 41: The Immaculate Virgin...by Tangor
Hilary Billman, fighting for his life in the raging currents of an underground stream, realizes that Bozhart has left him to die and vows revenge. Meanwhile Dee Dee's out-of-control dirigible is brought to the ground by a well aimed shot from Bertha La Rapo. Bertha welcomes the girl to her home but soon after, they hear a wailing in the front yard of the ranch house. They run out to rescue Billman from a well but Bertha knocks him back in when she notices he is carrying a menacing harpoon.
CHAPTER 42: The Plot Thickens, If Simmered Long Enough ...by Tangor
We learn that Jane Porker's angry chase after Boz's pretty chauffeur is really an act to fool Bozhart and his guests. The driver is actually Mrs. Hilary Billman - Cecilia - who is on a mission to save her unstable husband and to support their four children. Meanwhile, back in the Ratz Cave the two masked crime fighters are recovering from their ordeal in the tar pits and are speculating on the mysterious events which have occured.
CHAPTER 43: The Case of the Mysterious Mystery's Mystery ...by Tangor
Bozhart climbs to the roof of the Chicken Ranch Vacation House to rescue the frightened local mayor who is being pursued by one of the House employees - Maize West. Cabyns and Datsun take the opportunity to discuss the events that have transpired. Cabyns thinks that Bozhart is an imposter but they decide to bide their time.
CHAPTER 44: Llana of Baseball...by Tangor
In an attempt to rescue Dee Dee, Morris and Markus drive their stolen VW van against an exodus of traffic from LA which is ablaze. A straggly drunken lady with a baseball bat gains consciousness in the back of the van and attacks Kojak. After sobering up the woman they learn that she is actually Llana of Baseball, one of the all-time greats of the game.
CHAPTER 45: Fantastic Voyage Into the Primeval Abyss ...by Bill Hillman
Bryce Lee and his Canadian Chinese wanna-be companion, Ward Cleaver, drive their WAG amphibious car back into the pits to look for Ratnaz and Bertie. They are unsuccessful but think that they recognize Dan Darter being dragged past them in the mire of the pits. They surface in a large underground cavern where they are set upon by screaming beasts.
CHAPTER 46: Jeriatric Park...by Bill Hillman
Edgar Nyce awakens from what he believes has been a bad dream. He thinks back to how his old nemesis Bozhart has taken over Ratnaza and his theme park, Nyce World. No one knows, however, of the other major cavern beneath Ratnaza where Ed has successfully transplanted the magic bananas from the Forbidden Valley of King Dong. He has used the magic properties of the bananas to create Jeriatric Park where all living things who eat the bananas regress back through geologic time to previous evolutionary stages. Unsuccessful experiments had been dumped into the tar pits. Ed is shaken back to reality and realizes that he is still a captive on the Pellucifer Burrower which has just broken into an underground lab, where one of the four occupants gives a scream of recognition: "You!!! Ed???".
CHAPTER 47: Mister Bate's Motel ...by Bill Hillman
Ratnaz leaves Bertie to her morning shower and explores the mysterious mansion on the hill behind the Bates Motel where they had spent the night. He is shocked to discover that the occupants are all wizened old movie queens, and falls down the hillside. Showering Bertie is saved from the lecherous motel manager by a squad of Canadian Mounties who are staying next door. She runs to Ratnaz and they escape down Ventura Boulevard in a state of undress.
CHAPTER 48: The Butler Did It! ...by Bill Hillman
Albert Hitchcock, Bryce Lee's butler, returning from a shopping trip on Lee's yellow Harley, gives Bertie and Ratnaz a ride. The motorcycle, bearing Albert and a near-naked Bertie and towing Ratnaz in a shopping cart behind, is being followed by a ragtag crowd made up of mounties, elderly movie queens in wheel chairs, nursing home attendants, gay bikers, the Ratnaz Clan boys' club, security guards, and red-blooded males. They elude their pursuers and make it back to the Ratz Cave where Ratz suddenly loses it and goes screaming into the caverns.
CHAPTER 49: The Fall and Rise of the Phantom Empire ...by Bill Hillman
Taking advantage of Boz's absence, Cabyns and Datsun search his inner office. They discover that the private bathroom is really an elevator and it takes them far underground to Boz's secret lab - where they encounter a slightly different Bozhart from the one they have just left. They learn that Boz has built a robot- and android-populated Phantom Empire theme park to rival Miser's Lost Land and Edgar Nyce's planned Jeriatric Park. Much of the lab suddenly collapses and they leap back to the safety of the toilet to escape a diving giant lizard bird which is carrying a burro dangling from its talons.
CHAPTER 50: When Worlds Collide--Violently...by Tangor
The Pellucifer Burrower comes to rest in a cavern inhabited by pulp authors and superheroes. Gimball Ginsu, Doctor G. G. Smthye, Adam Drainge, Dr. Mange, Brandon of Terra, et al, threaten to attack the travellers but Greatstrokes cleverly turns them against one another. In the confusion of the ensuing battle, the Burrower and its passengers escape.
THE RATNAZ FILES: BOOK IV
CHAPTER 51: Riders of the Purple Stage...by Tangor
A disguised Jane Porker-Bozhart looks around her husband's Chicken Shack Vacation House showroom until bouncer Marlin Brandough mistakes her for the mechanical bull rider and puts her on the wild bucking beast. Meanwhile, Cilli Billman drives her pickup into the mountains north of LA to pick up her four children at the Annie Sotts' mansion. She and the children make a hurried exit down a deserted road where the truck plunges into a deep chasm that has opened across the roadway.
CHAPTER 52: Gnu of the Plasticene...by Tangor
Dan Darter waits for sunrise before leaving the La Gaspack Tar Pits, but in the act of relieving himself he is startled by a voice from the heavens which gives him strange orders. Ignoring the voice, he is hit by an earthquake and he is swallowed up by a rift which opens beneath his feet. Meanwhile, Morris, Markus and Llana of Baseball emerge from a deserted basement where they have spent the night. While expressing amazement over the burnt desolation of the city, they are attacked from the sky by a giant pterodon.
CHAPTER 53: "How Do You Do What You Do To Me?" ...by Tangor
While escaping the giant bats in the caverns under Ratnaza, Yellow Jacket and Splay-Toe run into an even more menacing foe: a woman behind the wheel of an oncoming pickup truck!
CHAPTER 54: Send it the Clones...by Tangor
Cabyns and Datsun are rescued from the trapped elevator loo by yet another Bozhart incarnation, this one a man of superhuman strength and prowess. He leads them out through a tunnel mouth overlooking LA.and then vanishes back into the black tunnel.
CHAPTER 55: Tinsel Town...by Tangor
Nick Miser and Brace Bozhart discuss their good fortune: the LA fire has spared Hollywood and the Helium Supply -- production of the Ratnaz and live-action Randy Rodent films will be unaffected. Miser professes his indebtedness to Boz for his business advice and gloats over the licensing agreement with Nyce that gives him exclusive use of the Ratnaz trademark. Bozhart winces at every mention of Ratnaz. We learn that Miser is a regular visitor to the Chicken Ranch.
CHAPTER 56: Savage Ratnaza...by Tangor
Left alone by Ratnaz who has run off screaming through the Ratz Cave, Bertie shows her appreciation to Albert for his kindness in rescuing them. Meanwhile, Dee waits until Bertha has gone to sleep before going back to the well to rescue Hillie Billman. Learning of his maniacal hate for her benefactor Bozhart, she realizes that the man must be mad and she must take him to a doctor. Dee borrows Bertha's pickup to complete her mission of mercy, but in her haste speeds toward a giant fissure that transsects the road..
CHAPTER 57: Flight of the Thipcar ...by Bill Hillman
Llana of Baseball brings down the attacking pterodon with her baseball bat. She and her companions learn that the beast is actually bionic in nature and is a Thipcar flying machine belonging to Bozhart's BB, Inc. Determined to find the missing Dee Dee Morris, they reset the machine and climb aboard to fly off with Kojak at the controls. Below them lies burnt out desolation and carnage from the fires and earthquakes -- a scene in direct contrast to colourful parade which appears along Ventura Boulevard. Using the flying machine's PA system they have some fun with a poor soul down by the tar pits before he is swallowed up by an opening rift in the earth -- one of a series of rifts which they had also seen swallow up two pickup trucks in the distance. While passing over a herd of grazing burros the Thipcar goes out of control -- taking on a mind of its own -- and dives toward the earth.
CHAPTER 58: The Secret Lab of Ras Putan -- Mastermind of Stars
...by Bill Hillman
Cabyns and Datsun return to the tunnel from which they have just escaped to retrieve Cabyns' addictive Pez supply. They stumble upon a lab containing apparently lifeless bodies of men, each bearing identical likeness to Bozhart. The door slams shut behind them and they are confronted by the one-time-great Hollywood plastic surgeon, Ras Putan, who has used a modified Grimley Wave machine to create Bozhart clones. They are joined by his assistant Algor who warns them that the peasants in the valley are revolting. More bad new follows as Dr. Li-Chan Monreau then arrives to warn them that the Slavgoths in the Phantom Empire are also revolting. A power surge in the lab jolts all the clones to life and they make a menacing zombie-like advance upon the scientists and the British sleuths.
CHAPTER 59: FYIO: The Touchwood Pictures Secret Files
On Elmer Ford and Bodacious Derricks ...by Bill Hillman
A cat burgler breaks into Miser's Rodent/Touchwood Productions office and reads through his personal journal. The journal contains all the inside dope on Miser's business transactions and secret dealings: the plans for a new Ratnaz picture -- the hiring of a new Ratnaz, Elmer Ford, who is a Bozhart look-alike -- the hiring of Nyce as technical adviser -- the problems on the set -- the hiring of Bodacious Derricks as Jane Porker -- the concern over a mysterious 1966 Camaro -- the concerns over rival theme parks from Ed and Boz, etc. The intruder is scared off by the night watchman. A 1966 Camaro speeds off into the night.
CHAPTER 60: Death Comes in Twos ...by Bill Hillman
Dee Dee Morris, Princess of Bars and driver of stolen pickup trucks, narrowly misses falling into a large hole in the road. Later with Billman at the wheel, they plunge into a yawning chasm. Meanwhile, Cilli Billman gains control of her pickup after its fall into an underground passageway, the kids in the back obviously enjoying the thrilling ride. Unexpectedly, a huge object falls onto the roof of her cab, after which another object falls onto the hood of her mangled but still functioning truck. Narrowly missing two men in strange yellow costumes, Cilli loses control of the vehicle and it crashes into a giant stalagmite. Yellow Jacket and Splay-Toe rush back to assist the survivors of the crash, after which Yellow Jacket exclaims: "I hear running water!"
THE RATNAZ FILES: BOOK V
CHAPTER 61: The Jeriatric Chronicles: Billions and Billions Served
...by Bill Hillman
The two masked crimefighters and the survivors of the underground crash of the piggy-back pickup: Cilli and her kids, Dan Darter, Dee and Hillie Billman follow the sound of running water to a mammoth underground cavern containing a vast sea. In the sea are three islands and before them on the shore is a large dome with ivory and gold towers. Inside the dome they are welcomed by the Jeddak of the Edgar Nyce Jeriatric Park and are given a recorded multi-media sales pitch by Jonny Wineswiller. We learn that the retirement community caters to fans of the works of Edgar Nyce and features Dumb Dumb celebrations and three island theme communities: the Jungles of Ratnaz, the Barrooms of Mars, and the eclectic Weird Land. Connections between the islands are made by a fabulous riverboat. Inhabitants are encouraged to eat the cavern's magic bananas which return them to the mental age they were at when they first read the Nyce books. Each inhabitant is encouraged to commit a Nyce book to memory and take on a persona from that book. The Jeddak rules over all and maintains the ivory and gold towers of the pleasure dome. The visitors learn that since Ed's departure, the different factions on the various island communities have been at war. There are also evil forces at work above ground. The chapter ends with the dome experiencing a terrific shaking which results in the floor collapsing.
CHAPTER 62: "I find the pants."...by Tangor
After his mad run through the Ratz Cave, Ratnaz comes to his senses and returns to find Bertie and Albert playing checkers. Bertie and Ratz shower together and return contented, wearing clothes borrowed from Bryce's and Ward's wardrobes: a black tux and red silk pyjamas. While Albert is preparing a meal for them, they explore Bryce Lee's hideaway, but are interrupted by the delivery of a parcel delivered by a mysterious figure who leaves in a 1966 yellow Camaro. Ratz opens the parcel which contains a diary. After reading selected passages of the book Ratnaz loses his temper and vows to take revenge on Nick Miser and Edgar Nyce.
CHAPTER 63: Darter Makes a Move ...by Tangor
While listening to the spiel from the Jeddak of Nyce World, a downcast and hurting Dan Darter reflects upon his recent misfortunes. Unable to listen to Wineswiller's Canadian-written commercial for JJeriatric Park any longer, he abducts Dee and heads back into the dark caverns. Meanwhile, Zany Grany seems to have miraculously escaped the clutches of the ferocious lizard bird and has found a secluded spot where he starts to scribble a new serial under the pseudonym of David Bruce Bozarth -- Query: Are Fairy Tales Real? The entire summary of the story shall be presented later.
CHAPTER 64: The Monster Men...by Tangor
The out-of-control Thipcar bearing Morris, Markus and a bat-swinging Llana of Baseball plunges into a newly-exposed cavern pit. Kojak and Llana fall off and are consumed with passion for one another while Markus tries to aim the flying creature away from the people in the cavern. All seem to escape and Mars finds himself in a curious lab lined with banks of computers. He enters a door which takes him to a control room manned by people in coloured lab coats. The over-emoting head Chaparone of the Star Chips lab Enterprise, James T. Clerk, and his crew Dr. Spott, Dr. Boner, et al, try to explain the function of the lab but succomb to infighting. An exasperated Markus retreats and rejoins his companions who are finally exhausted from their lovemaking. Markus leads the way through an ominous darkened doorway, the only remaining exit from this pit of doom.
CHAPTER 65: Valley of the Dolls ...by Tangor
WARNING: Various incarnations of Brace Bozhart abound in this chapter - The mystery deepens
Brace Bozhart and his men narrowly escape the thipcar's crash and bound up a collapsing stairway. Boz, cut off from his men, carries on to the surface to be with Jane Porker.
Meanwhile, Jane slips away from Brandough's mechanical bull in the Chicken Ranch casino and speeds off in Brace's #4 1966 yellow Camaro -- just as Boz emerges from his office. He jumps behind the wheel of a silver-gray Deloren and races off in pursuit.
An angry Miser reaches a sleeping Bozhart by phone and accuses him of stealing his personal diary. Boz warns him to back off or he will destroy him financially. He suggests that the real villain is Edgar Nyce and hangs up. Bozart goes down to the two car garage, noticing that Jane's Yugo is gone, and speeds into the night in his 1966 yellow Camaro.
As Miser hangs up the phone he is shocked to see Bozhart enter his office with a blonde starlet, Judy Flanders, on his arm. Bozhart is baffled when Miser says he had just talked to him on the phone and runs from the room to find out what is going on.
Brace Bozhart speeds away from the rescued Englishmen in a 1966 Camaro, wondering if his wife Jane Porker has accomplished her mission. He damns Mother Nature for interferring!
Jane Porker-Bozhart walks past a chicken coop and knocks at the back door of a dilapidated ranch house. A shotgun blast tears through the screen door and slams her backward into a motionless heap in the dirt yard.
CHAPTER 66: In The Hall of The Demented Mountain King ...by Tangor
Cabyns, about to be over-run by a horde of murderous Bozhart clones, fills his automatic Pez dispenser with make-shift projectiles from Ras Putan's Grimley Wave hair framework and fires on the advancing horde. After disabling the Bozes he does away with the three mad scientists. He then finds a secret formula in an adjoining stainless steel-lined room: a recipe for CHICKEN JAMBALAYA that serves 4.
CHAPTER 67: Tom Slow and His Electric Accordian ...by Tangor
Peter Lemmings of ERBS reports that a series of severe earthquakes have hit southern California in the wake of a disastrous fire which has consumed most of LA. Sections of the San Andreas Fault have dropped, allowing the Pacific Ocean to pour inland in a huge tidal wave, engulfing the Salton Sea and Death Valley. The news broadcast is followed by an ad for seaside resort properties in the California and Arizona deserts. Meanwhile, Hillie Billman leads his family, Bryce Lee and Splay-Toe away from earthquake-damaged Nyce World, sensing that a great wave is approaching. They notice that Dee and Darter have disappeared. Milli clings to the back of her new-found hero, Bryce Lee, and both they and the Jeddak of Nyce World are washed away by the oncoming wall of water.
THE RATNAZ FILES: BOOK VI
CHAPTER 68: Strange Bedfellows: Rathmind, Tang-Gor, and CAPTAIN CANUCK!
--by Bill Hillman
Rolph Rathmind finds his way back to the ruins of the bungalow office of Edgar Nyce, Inc. He opens a trap door and descends to a secret lab beneath. His first concern is that the “Desert Property Deeds - Death Valley Area” documents are intact. He walks past monitor screens of the inland tidal wave and calls for out for his partners. Captain Canuck, a giant Canadian superhero appears to the strains of "Maple Leaf Forever." He is followed by the body of a bearded, emaciated Brace Bozhart which appears to be dominated by a small strange alien creature on its head. The alien, Tang-Gor, informs Rathmind that they had to detonate the explosives without him. This is the latest of a long line of disappointments for Nyce's long-time secretary. Ed's disgruntled associate has teamed up with this pair in an elaborate plot to get even with his employer and the powerful Bozhart and Miser, and to get a piece of the action. He sinks into a chair to imbibe in a Ratnaz Special cocktail but is almost impaled by a giant corkscrew machine that crashes into the lab. He stares and shouts: "YOU!!!...ED???"
CHAPTER 69: “What’s the buzz....Tell me what’s a-happenin’”...by Bill Hillman
Ratnaz is shaken from his feelings of betrayal when his borrowed tux comes alive with doves and rabbits. As he tears off the suit, a multitude of crime fighting devices rattle to the floor around him. Bertie, now curious, examines her silk pyjamas and finds exotic oriental items hidden in the pockets. Ratnaz accidentally presses a remote control device and the cave comes alive. A neon sign welcomes them to the BuzzCave -- "Home of America's Intrepid Crimefighters: Yellow Jacket and Splay-Toe." They realize that Yellow Jacket is really Bryce Lee-Bozhart -- illegitimate son of magnate Buzz Bozhart and half brother to Brace Bozhart. They proceed to find a trove of hidden crime fighting vehicles and resources. Ratnaz regains his memory and remembers the secret of the cave from when he and Ed owned it. He tugs at a stalagmite and a section of the cave wall slides open. The wild-eyed apeman blindly pulls a startled Bertie through the opening.
CHAPTER 70: The Strange Odyssey of Rex, The Wonder Rooster
...by Bill Hillman
Bertha La Rapo, awakened by the sound of her stolen pickup leaving the yard, prepares her morning Ratnaz Special in her Prussian helmet. She reminisces over the glory days of posing for the cover illustrations of Ed's books and places her only true friend and drinking buddy, Rex the Wonder Rooster, on her shoulder. She drunkenly laments being jilted by Ed and Boz for the hated Jane Porker and realizes that she has no regrets about teaming up with Rathmind, Captain Canuck and Tang-Gor to get even. In her inebriated state she thinks she sees Jane trying to break into her house so she fires a shotgun blast at the apparition in the doorway. She then makes her way to the well, down a ladder and along a tunnel to Rathmind's secret lab in time to see a gigantic burrowing machine about to impale her new friends and partners.
CHAPTER 71: Rora, Rora, Rora: Pearl Harbor - January 11, 1973
...by Bill Hillman
Ratnaz leads Bertie through a secret door and down to a bubble-like viewing pod overlooking a vast underground sea lit by a golden phosphorescent glow off the rock ceiling. There are two islands in the distance and a jungle island directly below them, as well as a number of figures and objects floating in the distance. Ratz opens the bottom hatch and in the act of reaching for magic bananas, pulls Bertie with him in a fall through the jungle foliage. They land in a thatched hut that Ratnaz recognizes as an exact duplicate of the goat house he was raised in back in the Valley of King Dong. He relates to Bertie the story of how Ed brought him to America, describing how their ship had stopped at Pearl Harbor during the Japanese invasion of 1973... and how "The King" sent the invaders into retreat. He also tells of some of Ed's adventures on the Islands. When they returned to California, Ed related many of their jungle adventures in his novels and Ratnaz went on to become a national hero. Without warning a giant gorilla crashes through the door with fangs bared.
CHAPTER 72: Sign of the 2+2=4...By Bill Hillman
In his attempt to unravel the secret of the Chicken Jambalaya formula, Cabyns prepares the ingredients. Following Cabyns' victorious battle with a stubborn chicken, Datsun stirs the cooking cauldron while his partner unravels the hidden secret of the formula. From the recipe title: "CHICKEN JAMBALYAY Serves: 4" Cabyns deciphers the secret ingredient that will unleash the formidable power of the concoction: BANANA! As they add the powerful bananas to the pot, four people climb through the trap door of adjoining lab. Cabyns shouts, “Brace Bozhart! What happened to you?! You have been shrunk!!!”
CHAPTER 73: Monster Kids of the Phantom Empire ...by Bill Hillman
Morris, Markus and Llana open a creaking door and enter a partialy lit antechamber where they are announced by two ancient robots. They are directed through another door where they are greeted by a roomfull of pre-teen little Boz clones who are expecting their mother Jane Porker. The disappointed horde turn ugly and set upon the trio forcing Llana to prepare for battle with her baseball bat. Angry mobs of valley peasants burst in from both sides of the cave and attack the Boz kids. In the confusion, a Boz Boy with the number 22 on his chest leads the three adventurers to safety up a long ladder. At the top of the ladder they enter yet another lab where two men meet them with the shout: "Brace Bozhart! What happened to you?! You have been shrunk!” Everyone in the cavern is then enshrouded in a cloud of acrid smoke and they slump unconscious to the stone floor.
CHAPTER 74: There's No Place Like Home! ...by Tangor
Ratnaz recognizes the attacking gorilla in the goat cabin on the Edgar Nyce World Jungle Island. The beast turns out to be his adopted mother who had faked her death many years before to get away from Ratz. The Lord of the Leaves is overcome with guilt as he had spent a lifetime avenging her death by killing natives. Warning Bertie that she has a big job ahead if she plans on reforming Ratnaz, the ape foster mother takes off through the trees to keep a Grimley Wave appointment.
CHAPTER 75: Farewell, Canada! ...by Tangor
As perceived reality starts to vanish around them, Cabyns and Datsun realize that they have been living an illusion since they arrived in America -- thanks to being drugged on the plane by Hilary Billman. The cavern labs disappear and are replaced by a pastoral scene where they see Zany Grany sitting by a stream and writing another chapter to "Query: Are Fairy Tales Real" (This story synopsis will appear later).
RATNAZ FILES: BOOK VII
CHAPTER 76: The Alien Invasion ...by Tangor
Tang-Gor escapes the menacing Pellucifer Burrower to scurry through subterranean tunnels to reach his alien control room and bring up a hologram image of his superior - the Mighty Monitor of Betatuna. Tang-Gor's plan to let earthmen destroy themselves through their own greed and hate has failed, he was slow in delivering the much desired oregano leaves, he had failed in his mission to retrieve a communications device, and he had been outsmarted by Edgar Nyce. The impatient superior destroys Tang-Gor and prepares to send a battle fleet to wipe out humans. Meanwhile, Ed's surprise arrival at the secret headquarters under Ratnaz breaks up the conspiracy by Rathmind and Captain Canuck. He informs them that everything that has transpired has been the result of his own genius in foreshadowing and plotting (with a little help from a Texan and Canadian). His rebel friends pledge renewed allegiance.
CHAPTER 77: You Only Live Twice In Real Life ...by Tangor
We have an overabundance of JanePorkers in this chapter...the mystery deepens.
* Jane Porker narrowly escapes death from Bertha La Rapo's shotgun blast by having sent in an android double. After Bertha leaves, she gathers up all the pulp art from the shack walls, ticks off two items on husband Brace's instruction sheet, and drives off in a yellow Camaro.
* Jane Porker escapes Marlin Brandough and speeds off from the Tappan Range Chicken Shack in her yellow Camaro. Her mission is to help Cilli Billman and to unravel the mystery of Brace's recent odd behaviour and the strange doings at ERB Inc. She swerves off the road to avoid a man in women's clothing and loses consciousness after the crash.
* Jane Porker rescues starlet Judy Flanders from the unwelcome advances of Nick Miser. To save his life Miser tells Jane all she wants to know about his relationship with Bozart and BB Inc. Jane and Flanders drive off in a yellow Camaro to find Bozhart.
CHAPTER 78: The Last Chapter Wasn't Funny ...by Tangor
Dan Darter and the kidnapped Dee Dee Morris come across the submarine Naughtyass docked on the shores of the subterranean sea under LA. The crew is made up of drug smugglers led by a giant, flaboyantly dressed black man - Captain No'mo - a past aquaintance of Darter's. As they submerge, No'mo orders his henchman Ned Bland to lock Dee in the brig after Darter lets him in on a plan to run a drug heist at Bozhart Pharmecuticals. The sub is suddenly thrown about sending the crew into a state of terror.
CHAPTER 79: The Land of Delusions ...by Tangor
Markus, Kojak and Llana stand amazed as the occupants of the underground Phantom Empire dissolve around them. A mystery man appears, shouts the warning, "Beware!" and is gone. The three race to escape through one of the exits. Meanwhile, Hillie Billman, unable to save his daughter Milli and Yellow Jacket, leads his family and Splay-Toe away from the floodwaters to safety. Meanwhile II, Yellow Jacket and Milli find a paddleboat in the floodwaters. Safe in the boat, Bryce Lee puts off the teenager's passionate advances by making a chivalrous pledge to her honour and safety.
CHAPTER 80: Big Bertha ...by Tangor
Bertha and Rex the Wonder Rooster witness Ed's change of fortunes after the Pellucifer bursts into the hideout under Ratnaza. After listening in on the conspirators for a while, she becomes bored and moves down the tunnel to relieve herself - vowing to not give up the secret which she carries. She is unexpectedly washed away by flood waters filling the tunnels. Meanwhile, master conspirator and hack pulp writer Tangor labours over his keyboard, taking time only to audition prospective spoofs in his cramped office. All but sensuous Little Lulu are rejected. The rejects will obviously find a home in the works of his Canadian cohort/rival who is far less selective in his choices -- and never liked Little Lulu anyway...
CHAPTER 81: Dim Son and Big Moons ...by Bill Hillman
Bertie discovers Ratnaz's family documents in the goat cabin and learns that he is really Sean McClayton, Lord Greatstrokes and heir to titles and riches.
CHAPTER 82: Death Valley Daze -- From Sand to Shining Sea ...Bill Hillman
Cabyns and Datsun spend time reading Zany Grany manuscripts in Death Valley beside a newly formed sea. To their amazement they see a houseboat resembling the Chicken Ranch Guest House floating out to sea.
CHAPTER 83: Something Wicked This Way Comes...They’re Here! ...Bill Hillman
Edgar Nyce's rebellious followers have pledged allegiance to him and are celebrating beside the Pellucifer in the lab under Ratnaza. They dismiss radio reports of strange explosions on Mars and prepare to launch the Burrower to foil Bozhart's plans.
CHAPTER 84: Invasion of the Led Zeppelins (aka Panic at Stutter’s Mill)
...Bill Hillman
While racing to LA to a Blues Buoys concert, Jane Porker hears radio reports of meteor-like landings at Stutter's Mill and the resulting loss of life.
CHAPTER 85: Big Bill & Big Bruce - The Blues Buoys with the Incredible
Waltz Kings - Live at Ferris’ Big Wheel Club Performing Their Hit:
“You’re Tuvane... you probably think this song is about you.” ...Bill Hillman
Jane Parker recovers from her auto mishap and meets an oddly behaving cross-dresser who appears to know something about the alien invasion reports on the radio.
CHAPTER 86: Das Boobs ...Bill Hillman
Hillie Billman, sensing that daughter Milli is still alive, leads his family and Splay-Toe back down the subterranean passage-ways. Meanwhile Milli and Yellow Jacket defeat a huge whale-like monster in the underground sea and head for a jungle island.
CHAPTER 87: Watership Down ...Bill Hillman
The Naughtyass sub comes under attack and takes evasive maneuvers. Captain No'mo jettisons the contraband cargo, Darter loses consciousness and Dee Dee faces certain doom from the rising waters in the brig.
CHAPTER 88: The Return of the Living Dead ...Bill Hillman
Seeking escape from the Phantom Empire, Llana leads her companions through a door which leads to Tangor's living room. Here they meet all the disgruntled characters killed off by the writer over the course of this epic serial.
CHAPTER 89: The Jeddak of The North ...Tangor
Disturbed by the growing power and threats from his Canadian pulp-writing rival, Tangor sends three resurrected PIs to the Canuck's home to intimidate him.
CHAPTER 90: Malice In Underland; ...Tangor
Wherein A Knowledge of Music History Is Essential
Milli and Yellow Jacket make their way to the Jungle Island where their relationship takes on a strange turn and Milli runs screaming into the jungle.
RATNAZ FILES: BOOK VIII
CHAPTER 91: MISTER Hilary Goes To Town. Cilli: Alone again, naturally! ...Tangor
The Billman family find their way to the surface, despite the hindrance offered by Splay-Toe. Following an attempt to phone for help, Hilary is whisked away to the White House by an official helicopter, leaving his family and the inept Ward Cleaver alone to face the dangerous ruins of LA.
CHAPTER 92: Atlas Shrugged. He Was Bored ...Tangor
Ned Bland rescues Dee Dee from the sinking sub and they swim to the Jungle Island where he is attacked by a mad stranger. Tang-Gor suddenly appears and takes over Tangor's mind and keyboard. Dee runs into the arms of despicable Dan Darter. Angry over his lecherous advances she stamps her foot and the ground gives way beneath the two.
CHAPTER 93: Secrets Revealed. The Past Returns ...Tangor
Captain Canuck shows up at the Goat Cabin to escort Ratnaz and Bertie off Jungle Island to Edgar Nyce's underground bunker. Ratnaz recognizes Devon McGuinness as his long-lost cousin who stole his Greatstrokes title. A ferocious battle ensues.
CHAPTER 94: Raining: Datsun Clogs ...Tangor
Noticing an approaching storm, Zany Grany leads Cabyns and Datsun to his cabin -- narrating Chapter 3 of his story Query: Are Fairy Tales Real? as they walk. Later, as Cabyns sips a glass of port and Datsun clog dances, Zany, his animals and a bare-bottomed surf girl (don't ask) are washed away by a flash flood.
CHAPTER 95: Stranger in a Strange Band ...Tangor
Bozhart 1 is surprised to find the site of the Chicken Ranch now covered with a vast inland sea. He is then accosted by two M.I.B. agents - Smith and Jones - who possess a strange silver and crystal thingamajig and who question him about his dealings with aliens.
Bozhart 2 leaves Cabyns and Datsun amid the DNA carnage in his cavernous warehouse. He shouts a one-word warning as he departs: "Beware!"
Bozhart 3 races away from the Chicken Ranch in pursuit of Jane Porker.
Bozhart 4 leaves his house and heads to disaster-stricken LA in search of Jane. After ordering all authorities to find her, he takes off in his executive jet -- suspecting that Billman is behind all his problems.
CHAPTER 96: Jane Jane bo fane ba na na na fo fame fee fi fo fein ane: Jane! ...Tangor
Jane 1 recognizes cross-dressing, alien-obsessed Tuvane Tuyak as a former bouncer from the Vacation House.
Jane 2 realizes that Judy Flanders, whom she has rescued from the clutches of Nick Miser, is not the dumb blonde she professes to be. Jane leaves her at the mercy of a gang of bikers at a biker bar.
Jane 3 unties Nick Miser who swears it was Jane who tied him up in the first place after interrogating him about Bozhart's doings. Jane waits with loaded Magnum as Bozhart and his Jane clone? are about to enter Miser's inner office.
CHAPTER 97: The Door Into Summersville ...Tangor
After trying a series of unprofitable exits from Bozhart's demolished subterranean labs, Llana leads her male companions into author Tangor's writing den. Markus recognizes lost love Lulu whom Tangor reprograms into an exotic Nyce-style high priestess -- La-La. Devious Tangor opens a trap door and the foursome plummet into his bottomless pit. Tangor then plots with his "yes-man" assistant, Sherman, in ways to foil his increasingly dangerous writing rival from Canada. Later, Sherman plots behind his employer's back with the back-from-the-dead alien invader Tang-Gor.
RATNAZ FILES: BOOK IX
Chapter 98: Ch’nook of the North and his Crawl from the Wild ...Bill Hillman
Realizing that Tangor and the alien Tang-Gor are behind the many worldwide catastrophic events, the Jeddak of the North speeds southward to save the planet.
Chapter 99: MISTER Hilary Goes to Washington In the Heat of the Fight
...Bill Hillman
Ward Cleaver leads the Billman family to the safety of Ratnaza Mansion where the kids totally upset the house and poor Hitchcock. The televised Presidential Address, featuring Hilary's strategy to defeat the alien invasion, is disrupted by the emergence of the Pellucifer -- an act which reveals a treacherous plot surrounding the Presidency.
Chapter 100: ***Special Centennial and Millenium Gala Celebration Issue***
...Bill Hillman
Whizzle's All-Gory magazine celebrates its 100th issue with a showcase of letters from readers... and lawyers.
Chapter 101: “No Mo’! No Mo’! You! Naughty Ass!” ...Bill Hillman
Combatants Yellow Jacket and Ned Bland fall into a jungle pond where they are both attacked by a giant octopus. The Naughtyass sub surfaces beneath them and Captain No'mo comes to their rescue.
Chapter 102: Four People, Verses, Harry Flint’s Titillating Treasure ...Bill Hillman
Trove and Some Naughty Rap
Milli hides from Yellow Jacket in a cave behind a waterfall where she is attacked by cave hermit Pete Gunn who is guardian of the Harry Flint XXX treasure. Dee Dee Morris and Dan Darter fall from above to rescue her after which Gunn runs screaming deeper into the cave when he hears blaring rap music from the Naughtyass sub just beyond the falls.
Chapter 103: Bertie Peeps at the Diary as Sleeping Giants Lie ...Bill Hillman
Rivals for the Greatstrokes title, Ratnaz and McGuinness, knock each other unconscious and Nyce encourages Bertie to read Miser's startling personal diary. Nyce and his six companions then board the Pellucifer and head for Butt Buttes.
Chapter 104: “Pardon Me Roy, Is That The Cat That Chewed Your
New Shoes...Your clogs that is, Mr. Datsun.”
(Obviously, a knowledge of the history of big band music is
essential for the comprehension of titles around here.) ...Bill Hillman
After Zany Grany is washed away by a tidal wave, Cabyns and Datsun spend time reading and clogging in Grany's cabin. After discovering Grany's secret log book of unusual observations in the sky, they head for nearby Butt Buttes.
Chapter 105: Fun with Boz and Jane -- A Primer ...Bill Hillman
Buzz Bozhart activates a computer program which deactivates the many Boz and Jane "clones" around the country.
Chapter 106: Captain Marble and the Pit of Doom - Shaboom, Shaboom!
...Bill Hillman
While Tangor is away, Sherman disables alien Tang-Gor with catnip-spiked oregano. He then sings the magic mantra given him by the Jeddak of the North to transform his puny body into that of superhero Captain Marble. Marble then rewrites Tangor's upcoming Ratnaz chapters so as to foil his nefarious plans.
RATNAZ FILES: BOOK X
Chapter 107: The Inner Sanctum ...Tangor
Tangor and his surprise dinner guests, Zany Grany and "Bertha La Ropa," plot against the Jeddak of the North. Tangor thickens the plot by ordering his henchmen to intercept the Jeddak on his trip south.
Chapter 108 : And just when you thought things made sense... ...Tangor
Tangor's henchmen, Spaid and Spillway, carry out their acts of sabotage against the Jeddak, after which, Spaid meets with Brace Bozhart and a new Jane. Meanwhile the MIB capture a Boz and two more Bozs meet to exchange a mysterious parcel. Meanwhile-meanwhile, Nick Miser witnesses the strange reconciliation of yet another Boz and Jane. The chapter ends with still another Boz preparing to leave the shambles of Butt Buttes ...and the mystery starts to unravel.
Chapter 109: "When the moon is in the seventh house..." ...Tangor
After a disagreement, Datsun abandons Cabyns to float off with the girls of the Chicken Shack Vacation House. Molejowerkin the furry subterranean Mole Man, realizing that OB-wan-in-Kanobe (Edgar Nyce) has betrayed his underworld kingdom, scurries home to lead his warriors back to seek revenge on the surface world..
Chapter 110: "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me..." ...Tangor
Markus, Kojak, Llana and La-La fight their way through a myriad of surrealistic fairyland adventures in Tangor's pit of doom.
Chapter 111: When the Naughtyass shook her booty ...Tangor
Captain No'Mo and the Naughtyass sub carry off Yellow Jacket, Ned Bland and the XXX booty... while Dee Dee and love-sick Darter find their way to the surface.
Chapter 112: Crisis in the Right House ...Tangor
Nyce and his Pellucifer crew find themselves in the middle of President Blimpton's bogus press conference in Hangar 22, surrounded by aliens and under harpoon attack by Moby Dick-obsessed Hilary Billman.
RATNAZ FILES: BOOK XI ...All Chapters by Bill Hillman
CHAPTER 113: On Board JedSled X.1 -- The Spruce Moose --Bill Hillman
The Jeddak makes use of the knowledge that Tangor has replaced his lead sled beaver with a ringer. He changes his route to follow the one taken by Edgar Nyce in his formative years – Idaho to California. We learn the history of the Harrod Hews Spruce Moose and that an alien, Evel the Weevil, is on board.
CHAPTER 114: Megadoka Motel Hell: Camp Disaster --Bill Hillman
The Jeddak and his sled animals stop at a motel for R & R where they are entertained by some very unusual TV programs.
CHAPTER 115: The Man from H.O.O.V.E.R. -- Wilya Kurmyakin? --Bill Hillman
The Jeddak’s nightmare takes him to Tangor’s evil lair where he is plunged into the Pit of Doom.
CHAPTER 116: In the Minidoka Hills Where I Was Borne
Jeddak's OB Odyssey Log: Day 4 Pt. 1 --Bill Hillman
The Jeddak visits the abandoned Deep Space Mine where he discovers the unconscious bodies of Jonar and Joon Carter. He also finds old manuscripts and journals by Edgar Nyce including a strange tale of a visit to Mars.
CHAPTER 117: The Valley Dorm Plant People and the Amazing Secret of Megadoka's Lost Empire of the Sun -- Jeddak's OB Odyssey Log: Day 4 Pt. 2
--Bill Hillman
The mine tunnel opens onto a lost valley where the Jeddak discovers a WWII Japanese Internment Camp and a German-speaking Hutterite colony. He also meets the Mole People whose raids on valley crops have plunged the two valley camps into perpetual warfare. The Jeddak is forced to escape back through the tunnel when the Mole People mistakenly think he is son of Edgar Nyce.
CHAPTER 118: Ratnaza or Bust... The Latter Prevails --Bill Hillman
As the Spruce Moose resumes its odyssey along the Edgar Nyce route to California, the Jeddak vicariously experiences the influences which shaped Nyce’s writing. He picks up three hitchhikers: Billy “Byrde” Schmucker, XaXa Gahor, and Lashes La Rue who are trying to get to a Blues Buoys show. Coincidentally, they tune in to a Blues Buoys radio remote from the new Dino gas station opening at Gaspak Tar Pits. When the disintegrating JedSled collapses under them, the passengers and sled animals disperse. Jeddak walks to Ratnaza Mansion where he comes under attack by the Ratznjammer Kids.
CHAPTER 119: The Confidential Journal of Edgar Nyce: The Early Years
--Bill Hillman
The Jeddak’s perusal of Nyce’s confidential journal offers an inside look at the popular author and reveals some breath-taking secrets.
CHAPTER 120: The Long-Lost Writing Notebook of Edgar Nyce --Bill Hillman
The log in which Nyce has recorded plot summaries, titles, themes, treatments and writing secrets.
CHAPTER 121: The Jeddak Strikes Back... and Out --Bill Hillman
With the help of the Ratznjammer Kids, Dan Darter is able to restore an alien weather balloon craft to operational condition. When a homing device takes over the controls, Darter, along with the Jeddak, the Billmans, and Dee Dee are transported over Southern California toward the mysterious Butt Buttes.
CHAPTER 122: Edgar Nyce Has Left the Building:
The Jeddak’s Odyssey Comes to an End? --Bill Hillman
Algor’s janitorial activities at Butt Buttes are interrupted by the arrival of Darter’s alien craft. While exploring Hangar 22, the Ratznjammer Kids learn from the Pellucifar’s burrowing recorder that Nyce, Ratnaz, Bertie, Rathmind, Captain Canuck, Greatstroke and Nappie have all been captured by the Mole People from the subterranean Hidden World. The Kids take over the controls and guide the Pellucifar back into the depths.
THE RATNAZ FILES: BOOK XII
CHAPTER 123: The Final? Chapter -- Tangor
The End...
...to be continued?...
If you're a glutton for punishment, there's more:
THE RATNAZ FILES
"Classic SF Stories by Today's Authors
In the Style of Yesterday's Giants"
The tribulations of a pulp author in the electronic age
as told to Tangor and Bill Hillman
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(Ch: 107-112) |
(Ch: 113-122) |
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