The First and Only Online Fanzine Devoted to the Life and Works of Edgar Rice Burroughs Master of Imaginative Fantasy Adventure  Creator of Tarzan  and  "Grandfather of American Science Fiction"

Issue 0164


The Many Worlds of

TARCOONS PT. I
The

JUNGLE FUNNIES PAGE
Song

Tarzan Haiku:

Tarzan
Disney's Africa:
Talking animals, no blacks
Who let Rosie sing?

 

There are three versions of the same joke in the boxes below.  Read 'em.  Then, if you think that they're still just ain't funny, go to  Samuel Stoddard's Dialectizer Website http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/ and enter our ERBzin-e URL to translate them into the following dialects: Redneck ~ Jive ~ Cockney ~ Elmer Fudd ~  Swedish Chef ~ Moron ~ Pig Latin Let's us suppose for the sake of this story that you were able to take a trip to Africa and capture Lord Greystoke, also known as Tarzan. Additionally, for the sake of this story, we will assume that you were an evil musician who killed the lord and, very much similar to the technique used with catgut, made violin strings from his intestinal membranes.You then put those strings on your violin, and played one song over and over, continuously. What song would you be playing?  No, not ... "Gorilla of my Dreams, I Love You."  ..."Tarzan's Tripes, Forever!"  ...or to make a long story short... Knock!.... Knock! Who'se there? Tarzan Tarzan who? Tarzan Stripes Forever ...or longer: Dr. Ronald Livingston is well known throughout the world as a great game hunter. One day, Ron is sitting in his New York penthouse when the phone rings. He puts down his Cuban cigar and goes to answer the phone. It turns out that it's his pal, Reginald Crumbrine from the Boston Zoo. Reginald wants Ronald to find a green and yellow spotted giraffe. Ronald says, "No problem," and hangs up the phone.  Ronald then heads for the nearby docks where he gets into his specially equipped sail boat and heads for Africa. Reaching the shore, he treks for many miles to the very heart     where he finds his friend, painting stripes on zebras. Now, whether he is painting  white stripes on black zebras or black stripes on white zebras or black and white stripes on invisible zebras, we will never know. Ronald tells his buddy, Tarzan, that he is looking for a green and yellow spotted giraffe. Tarzan says, "Ugh, Tarzan help you find." For days they thrash through thick brush, wade across streams, swim gator infested rivers, and swing from vines, finally coming to where the green and yellow spotted giraffes live. They capture one and then make the long trek back. When they get back to Tarzan's place, he bids farewell to Ronald and begins again painting stripes on zebras. Now, whether he is painting white stripes on black zebras or black stripes on white zebras or black and white stripes on invisible zebras, we will never know. Ronald finishes his trek to the boat and the journey back to New York where he is met by a man who pays him the agreed upon amount and takes the giraffe from him.  Later, again in his penthouse, the phone rings. Ronald puts down his million dollar pool cue and answers the phone. This time it's Rodney Lipthcomb, of the Miami Zoo. "Ronald, old chap, I need a purple hippo." Ronald is pleased to tell his friend, "No problem," and grabs his pack as he heads out the door for the docks.  Again he takes his boat to Africa, again meeting Tarzan in the heart of Africa. Tarzan is again, painting stripes on zebras. Now, whether he is painting white stripes on black zebras or black stripes on white zebras or black and white stripes on invisible zebras,  we will never know. Ronald tells his pal Tarzan of his quest and again Tarzan says, "Ugh, no problem. Tarzan know where to find purple hippo." Again they wade streams and cross mountains and swing on vines and swim gator infested waters until they finally come to the lake wherein live the famed purple hippos.  They manage to tranquilize one and with the help of local natives they transport it back to Tarzan's place. Tarzan again bids farewell and goes back to painting stripes on zebras. Now, whether he is painting white stripes on black zebras or black stripes on white zebras or black and white stripes on invisible zebras, we will never know. Ronald again treks back to the boat with his prize, sets sail and returns to New York. Taking his money in trade for the animal, he heads back to his penthouse. Once again the phone rings and Ronald is forced to leave his hologram studio to answer it. It is his friend Robert Rupert of the D.C. Zoo. Robert tells him, "We are desperate, old boy, for an orange panther." Ronald is again pleased to have the challenge and heads once again for the docks. There he again takes the boat to the African coast, again trekking to the heart to find his buddy Tarzan who is, without a doubt, painting stripes on zebras. Now, whether he is painting white stripes on black zebras or black stripes on white zebras or black and white stripes on invisible zebras, we will never know.  Ronald is about to explain this mission to Tarzan when it dawns on him that Tarzan is doing what he always does and asks him, "Why do you keep doing this painting thing, Tarzan?" Tarzan grins and says, "You never hear, Tarzan stripes forever?!"

TANTOR'S NOTE BOOK

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So that they can hide up cherry trees.
What killed Tarzan? Jane said, "Pick me some cherries, Tarzan darling..."

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

---

How does Tarzan get an elephant into his fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

How does Tarzan get a giraffe into his fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

How can Tarzan tell that Tantor has been in his fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.

Q:  How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
 A:  You can't, silly, there is only one Tarzan!

 Q:  Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
 A:  Tarzan's fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

---

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
Tantor with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room!

---

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Tantor ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.

---

 

THE MONTY PYTHON "ME, DOCTOR?" SKETCH
(Mr. Bertenshaw and his sick wife arrive at a hospital.)

Doctor: Mr. Bertenshaw?
Mr. B: Me, Doctor.
Doctor: No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
Mr. B: My wife, doctor...
Doctor: No, your wife patient.
Sister: Come with me, please.
Mr. B: Me, Sister?
Doctor: No, she Sister, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
Nurse: Dr. Walters?
Doctor: Me, nurse...You Mr. Bertenshaw, she Sister, you doctor.
Sister: No, doctor.
Doctor: No doctor: call ambulance, keep warm.
Nurse: Drink, doctor?
Doctor: Drink doctor, eat Sister, cook Mr. Bertenshaw, nurse me!
Nurse: You, doctor?
Doctor: ME doctor!! You Mr. Bertenshaw. She Sister!
Mr. B: But my wife, nurse...
Doctor: Your wife not nurse. She nurse, your wife patient. Be patient,
she nurse your wife. Me doctor, you tent, you tree, you Tarzan, me
Jane, you Trent, you Trillo...me doctor!

---

Email vs. Letters
by Ducky Sherwood

Yesterday, I helped my mother-in-law get set up on email for the first time. She got frustrated from time to time. Upon reflection, I decided that frustration was perfectly understandable. Imagine trying to learn to write a letter for the first time...

Me: Ok, to write a letter, the first thing you need is a piece of paper
and a pen.

Tarzan: What are those?

Me: Paper is flat stuff that is made from tree pulp, sort of like a very
small blackboard. Pens are sticks that write, sort of like chalk but smaller
and in darker colors.

Tarzan: Is this paper?

Me: Ah, yes, that is paper, but you don't want to write a letter on that,
that's my paycheck.

Tarzan: Why can't I use this?

Me: Well, that's a representation of money that I .. uh, never mind. Just
don't write on that. Look, here's a piece of paper that you can write on.

Tarzan: What about a pen?

Me: Pens are like little sticks. Do you see anything on this desk that looks
like a little stick? Uh, no, that's a ruler. Rulers are for measuring
things. Uh, no, that's a toothpick, it's for cleaning teeth, I don't know
why it's on my desk. Look, here's a pen.

Tarzan: That doesn't look like a little stick! It's grey. Little sticks
are brown.

Me: I meant "little stick" metaphorically. Just use this. Uh, you
have to take the cap off first. Ok, now write "Dear Mom" on the paper. Wait,
you want to rotate the paper so that the short side is at the top and the
long side comes towards you.

Tarzan: Why?

Me: Well, that's just how it's done. I suppose you could do it the other
way, but it would look a little funny. Ok, now write "Dear Mom" on the--
oh, no, at the top. Well, never mind, we can just throw this one away and
start over. That's right, "Dear Mom" at the top. Then the rest of the letter.

Tarzan: Ok, I've finished the letter! Can we go hunting now?

Me: Well, you aren't really done. I mean, you are done with the letter,
but now you have to send it. You need to put the letter in an envelope
next. An envelope is a piece of paper that is all folded up to hide and
protect the letter. Uh, no, put my paycheck down, we don't want to fold it
into an envelope.

Tarzan: Wouldn't that work?

Me: Well, yeah, it would *work*, but it isn't the best way to do it, and
besides, I want to keep my paycheck. Look, just put your letter into
this envelope here.

Tarzan: It won't fit.

Me: Yeah, you have to fold it first. Um, it will work better if you fold
it into thirds. No, the other way. There you go, now put it in the envelope.
Good. Now seal the envelope by licking the paper here and folding it
over.

Tarzan: You must be joking!

Me: No, really, that's how you seal the envelope. Look, if you don't want to
lick it, you could get a little sponge and dish of water and use the sponge
to wet the envelope flap.

Tarzan: I'll just go dunk it in the creek then.

Me: NO! Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. Look, I'll show you, I will lick
it for you. See? Easy.

Tarzan: Ok, now can we go hunting?

Me: No, not yet, we still need to address the mail so that the postman
knows who should get the envelope. So on the envelope, write
"Lady Greystoke" - nonono over here. Well, never mind, we can get a new
envelope for it. I'll take it out of the old one for you. Ok, here's
a new envelope for you, see if you can put it in - that's good - and seal
it.

Tarzan: I cut my tongue!

Me: Ooops. It does take a little getting used to. Ok, now write "Lady
Greystoke" right here. Good! Ok, now we need to look up her address
in the address book. This is my address book, and you'll have to make
your own address book and fill it in with addresses.

Tarzan: How will I know what people's addresses are?

Me: You'll just ask them for their address.

Tarzan: How can I ask them if I can't write to them?

Me: You have to ask them some other way, like when you see them in person.

Tarzan: Why can't I just get a big book with everybody's address in it?

Me: Well, there are five billion people in the world, so it would be an
awfully big book, plus people move all the time, plus some people wouldn't
want their address in the book. Look, trust me, it works. You'll get
people's addresses. Ok, so underneath her name, write her address. Uh,
you put the street address on its own line, then the city and state and
ZIP code.

Tarzan: What's a ZIP code?

Me: Don't worry about it, just do it.

Tarzan: Hmmpf. It would be a lot easier if I could just put "Mom." Ok, it's
addressed. NOW can we go hunting?

Me: Hold your horses. You need to put your return address in the upper
left-hand corner of the envelope.

Tarzan: What's my return address?

Me: It's how people can contact you. Your landlord should have given you
a piece of paper with your address on it. Yeah, that looks right, now
copy that to the upper left corner. Upper LEFT corner. Good. Ack! My desk!
Put the cap back on!

Tarzan: Huh?

Me: It's very important that you put the cap back on the pen so that the
ink from the pen doesn't get all over everything. Ok, now we have to put a
stamp on the envelope, which is a way of paying for the delivery. You need
a 32-cent stamp. Never mind why. You need to put it in the upper right
hand corner, no, right-side up - so the 32 is right-side up. No, it won't
stay by itself, you have to lick it.

Tarzan: I'm not licking anything else, I cut my tongue last time.

Me: Oh, all right. I'll lick it for you this time. Tomorrow you can go
buy a different kind of stamps that you don't have to lick.

Tarzan: How many different types of stamps are there?

Me: Well, there's stamps you lick and self-adhesive stamps, and different
denominations of stamps, oh, and there are stamps from other countries but
you can't use them.

Tarzan: Why not?

Me: Because our government doesn't recognize those stamps. And we can't use
our stamps in other countries.

Tarzan: So do I have to use two different stamps if I send something to another
country?

Me: No, there's an agreement with other countries that they will deliver
mail with our stamps if they come from outside the country.

Tarzan: So why can't we use other countries' stamps inside our country?

Me: They just won't, leave it be.

Tarzan: Ok, I'm going hunting now.

Me: Just a minute, just a minute! How do you think the letter is going
to get to your mother? Did you think it was just going to magically leap
from the desk and get to her? We need to take it somewhere that the Post
Office can find it.

Tarzan: How about under my pillow?

Me: Don't be smart with me, young man. We need to take it and either
put it in the mailbox or take it down to the post office.

Tarzan: Isn't the mailbox where mail comes *in*?

Me: Yes, but the postman will take it out of the mailbox and take it down
to the post office if it is already there.

Tarzan: Does that mean that if I don't take my incoming mail out of my
mailbox by the time the mailman comes again, he'll take all my mail away?

Me: No, it doesn't work like that. Look, it just works, ok? Just go
put it in the mailbox, I'm tired of arguing with you. Then go play in
the jungle or whatever, just leave me alone.

Tarzan: Sigh Letter-writing is *hard*!

Email looks pretty easy in comparison!