TITLE: Heartseeking
AUTHOR: Matteabrit, July 2002
SUMMARY: Kathryn decides the time has come to change the way things are.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: No, no, no, no. P.S. I still have no money
THANKS: to SaRa, for working through my stream of consciousness

If he had to decide when and how he managed to fall in love with her well, he’d have to say that he couldn’t. There was no way to tell when he fell in love with her because he simply could not remember a time when he was not. He only knew that the love he felt had strengthened over time, even if it had grown more discrete. These days he no longer knocks loudly at the door of her life, begging to be let in. For at least the last year of the six years they have spent in the Delta Quadrant he has been the perfect First Officer.

And Kathryn Janeway is sick of it.

She can remember precisely when she fell in love with him. It was eighteen months ago during shore leave on a planet, the government of which had invited the crew to visit. Her first officer had got caught up playing with some local children, throwing the local equivalent of a soccer ball around. She watched him from a distance, out of the corner of her eye while she chatted with some local official. And she suddenly had a vision of what sort of a father he might be, to his kids, to their kids.

For the past year she has gone out of her way to be sociable, trying not to hide herself from her crew. During their first year she did very well at this, but then despondency set in; how could she lead a cheerful crew into believing that Voyager would reach home within her lifetime if she had problems believing it herself? There were times of recklessness when, if it hadn’t been for the loyalty of her crew, she would most likely be dead by now. Somehow, watching the rest of the crew, especially her senior staff, move on with their lives had infected her with a new joy for living.

If only she could win back the heart of her first officer.

She was fairly certain she’d had it at one point, unless she’d completely misunderstood him all these years. In fact, she was fairly certain she still had it; she’d just temporarily misplaced it under all that adherence to protocol. Now it appeared to be so far buried that she would have to spend a lot of spare time just trying to find it again, before it permanently went to somebody else.

Chakotay, on the other hand, is still firmly convinced that she feels no more for him than a captain should for her first officer. He has noticed her re-emergence into the Voyager social scene recently and he is glad about that. However, he does not recognise the motive behind her actions and chooses instead not to think about it. She still walks with a heavy step on the bridge but her heart seems lighter these days.

They have dinners, once a week, usually in her quarters although he does most of the cooking. Her job is to obtain a decent bottle of something from somewhere to drink. He does not ask where she gets it from and she does not offer. He does have a couple of bottles of cider that he picked up long ago but he is saving them for a special, but as yet unknown, occasion. During dinner they discuss the ship and her crew, but on an informal level. He has learned that Kathryn is an insatiable gossip, not that it is an admirable trait but one that shows she is human. They exchange stories regarding humourous incidents on board the ship, keep each other up to date on the pertinent parts of the personal lives of their crewmembers.

And never mention once their own lives, preferring to skirt around the edges.

That is not to say they do not talk about their families, their lives before Voyager, but they do not talk about them and their relationship. And so it stays hanging, never moving forward. They will admit to being the other’s best friend and confidante, but they will never go beyond that. What they have is something comfortable; like a marriage that has lasted many years but has not gone through the honeymoon phase.

Kathryn has decided that the time has come to change that relationship.

She has finally decided to broach the matter at their next weekly dinner. In truth, these occasions take place more than once a week now; if neither one of them is occupied they gravitate towards one another. They have dinner and then, after a time, they will proceed to the holodeck. If Sandrine’s is running then she will challenge the other pool players to a game while he chats with other crewmembers.

And all the time he watches her.

He is discreet about it. At least he believes he is. He will keep her in the corner of his line of sight as much as he is able. He laughs with others, accepts drinks, comforts those crewmembers that need it. But a single laugh or subtle movement will draw his attention back to her. Occasionally she will catch his eye and smile; he will look quickly away.

She knows he watches, enjoys the feel of his gaze upon her. It feels strange to say but the looks he gives her generate a warmth that envelops her. It is a welcoming presence; one that makes her feel safe, and one that she misses when he is not around. Never does Kathryn feel quite as secure as when she can feel him close to her, even at the height of a red alert.

She just wishes he didn’t feel he had to hide the way he looks at her.

And so she has decided, tonight is the night she will say to hell with protocol and see if he still wants her. She is not one hundred percent certain that he will. There is always a chance that she may have read too much into the situation. Perhaps he is only watching her as a friend, perhaps she has broken his heart too many times already, and he no longer wants to go that final step, concerned that she might make an irreparable mess of his heart.

But he will always love her; he knows that.

It does not matter what she does. He may not like her or her actions at times, but he will always love her. He has watched her make some decisions that he considers bad, and she has strayed from protocol so many times that for her to use it to fend him off is a joke. One of these days she’ll probably kill him, but it will be a glorious death.

She’s invited him to dinner in her quarters tonight. This is surprising, as usually an invitation is never offered, just assumed. Tonight, he realises, must be something special. He runs a mental check in his head. It is not his birthday, it is not her birthday, and it is not the anniversary of their meeting for the first time. As he prepares for this meal he wonders what she could possibly have in mind. He thinks briefly that perhaps tonight could be the start of something more personal between them but instantly dismisses that thought. Why would she change her mind now; there has been no life or death situation recently, involving one or both of them? There has been no event that Chakotay can think of that might have made Kathryn change her mind.

Has he actually given up waiting?

Perhaps he has. There are definite days when he is happy just to be in her company, days when he just grateful that they are still friends after everything they have been through. Occasionally he suffers what he might call a slight setback, when she looks vulnerable and lonely, and all he wants to do is take her in his arms and hold her for the rest of their lives. But no matter what may never happen between them they will always have this friendship between them.

As he walks toward her quarters he makes a silent promise not to screw up tonight and push her, potentially in the wrong direction.

When she hears her door chime she has a moment of nervousness. She takes a final look around at her quarters, taking in the low lighting and the table arrangement. Why should she feel like a dozen hamsters are turning cartwheels in her stomach? There’s no immediate answer, but one comes to mind as she lets him in.

“Because I love him.”

The door slides silently shut behind him. He doesn’t notice; he can only stare at Kathryn and hear the words she said out loud repeat over and over in his head. “Who do you love?” he finally asks quietly.

She blinks and a hand flies up to cover her mouth. Too late she realises what she has done. There’s only one thing she can say to him to save the night. It’s not how she intended to tell him but she can adapt. She is, after all, a Starfleet captain in unusual circumstances. “You,” she whispers.

He steps forward and in one swift movement she is in his arms, to remain there for all time. There is no need now to hide how he feels, no need to wear the mask of protocol, no need to pretend that he’s not watching her. He begins to place soft kisses across her face, her forehead, her lips, free at last to do what he has longed to do for so long. He is without restraint. “I love you too,” he tells her.

Later, he will tell her that he cannot remember a time when he was not in love with her.

Later, she will tell him just when it was that she fell in love with him.

FINIS

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