TITLE: When a First Officer Needs to be More Than a Friend
AUTHOR: Matteabrit, July 2002
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Why did Chakotay not put in an appearance in sickbay after Kathryn returned from the Borg cube?
DISCLAIMER: No, no more I tell you!
NOTE: Thanks to SaRa for the beta :)

She’d been back from the cube now for twenty-four hours and he’d still not been to see her. She found it strange, confusing; normally he was the first one she saw whenever she came to after surgery or injury. His dimpled smile greeted her, made her feel glad to be alive, and lessened her need to want to take the Doctor offline with all his fussing. He didn’t always come to check on his captain, but he always wanted to see how his friend was.

Taking another look around the room she saw Tom sitting by B’Elanna’s side. When she’d asked for some status reports to go through while she recovered in sickbay, the young pilot had brought them with him. He’d been by his girlfriend’s side whenever he’d not been on duty, helping to calm the young engineer every time her temper had flared up. She was frustrated at being stuck in sickbay as well; Kathryn knew she’d rather be messing with her engines, overseeing the repairs that were necessary due to Voyager’s battles with the Borg.

Seven had been to visit her. Perhaps it had been out of a sense of duty, Kathryn wasn’t sure, but she was glad to have had some company. Seven needed company as well; the forced separation from Axum was hurting her, even if she had problems admitting it at first. Another lesson learned, another step toward regaining her humanity.

On the second day, the Doctor announced she could leave, but he was wary of letting go without supervision. Still there had been no sign of Chakotay, and although it wasn’t mentioned, everyone in sickbay was aware of the fact.

“Don’t worry, Doc,” Tom told the EMH with a smile. “She’ll have all the senior staff and more coming to visit.” He was there to walk B’Elanna back to her quarters; the two women were well enough to leave although Tuvok was still going to need another day or two in sickbay.

The Doctor sighed. “And you need to eat,” he told the captain.

Again the young pilot interceded. “I’ll have Neelix cook up one of his specials.” He clapped the Doctor on the back. “Don’t worry about it, Doc.”

And so she was discharged. Barely an hour after she arrived back in her quarters Neelix was at her door with food. She thanked him graciously, made sure the door was closed as he left and placed it on her coffee table. It really did look unappetising; what she really needed was a steaming mug of coffee but the Doctor had used his authority to make sure she didn’t have any until she was fully recovered.

She sunk down onto the couch and stared at the tray before her. To her disgust it did not disappear. After an impasse of some minutes, during which time her stomach decided to make its presence known, she grudgingly picked up a fork and picked up a mouthful of the green and brown stuff that lay unappetisingly on the plate.

And still there was no sign of the Commander.

By 2200 hours she finally had had enough of the boredom. She had gone through the reports left for her automatically, without much thought, and the book she had been reading no longer held interest for her. The non-appearance of her first officer and friend had her mystified. Before she had departed for the cube she had thought they were on good terms. The feel of the warm grasp of his hand on the bridge had kept her going through her mission, even if it was kept tucked away at the back of her mind while she focused on what she needed to do. But waking up not to find him waiting there had been strange. She’d put it down to duty coming first but as the time wore on she was more than a little confused. Even if Chakotay had not been to see Kathryn, why had the first officer not reported to the captain?

Finally Kathryn had enough. She put the book down and stood up. She walked as quickly as she was able to, still recovering from the implants, and exited her quarters. It was only a few steps to the other door and soon she was receiving permission to enter. She walked inside and stood there while the door closed behind her. “Hello, Chakotay,” she said quietly.

He stood quickly from the easy chair in which he had been sitting. “Captain, please sit down.” He gestured to the couch. “Can I get you something to drink? Coffee perhaps?”

Had she not been feeling so tired after the event of the previous few days she might have been stubborn and refused the offered seat. Instead she took it gratefully and laughed. “No coffee, thanks. Our doctor has seen fit to revoke my replicator privileges for it and if I don’t want him hassling me tomorrow I better go without tonight.” She leaned forward in her chair and studied her companion’s back. “I was wondering why I’d not received a report from you,” she said slowly.

Chakotay turned from the replicator with two mugs in his hands. “I gave them to Paris, Captain. Didn’t you receive them?”

She took the mug he held out to her. There it was again, her rank rather than her name. Something was definitely wrong here. Kathryn decided to play it his way. “I received the padds, Commander. However, I am very concerned that my first officer did not come to see the captain personally and give a ship’s status report for the time she was away.”

“I felt everything pertinent was in my report.”

“I would have preferred a verbal one.” She put the mug down and reached out a hand to her friend. “What’s wrong, Chakotay? Why couldn’t you come and see me?”

He shied away from her touch and took the seat beside the couch. “There were things to do,” he muttered.

She raised an eyebrow. “So? There are always things to do, Chakotay. It’s part of life on Voyager. But you usually come and see me.” She smiled sadly. “I missed you.”

“I’m sorry.” He couldn’t look her in the eye. “Would you like that report now, Captain?”

Kathryn shook her head. “No, I don’t. What I’d like is a conversation with my friend, Chakotay. No ranks or titles, just Kathryn and Chakotay. Can we do that?”

There was a long silence, during which Kathryn wondered if she should just get up and leave. But the thought of her friendship with Chakotay disintegrating was almost more than she could bear. They’d been close friends for so long that the potential future of only being captain and first officer almost scared her. So she sat there, waiting for whatever answer he could give her.

Finally he lifted his head and spoke. “I can’t do this anymore,” he said quietly.

“Do what?”

“This.” He gestured wildly at the both of them. “You and me. Kathryn and Chakotay. It’s too hard.”

She shook her head. “What the hell does that mean?”

He buried his face into his hands. A few seconds later he looked back at her, rubbing his face in despair. “All these years and I suddenly know what you’ve been getting at. I can’t do Chakotay and Kathryn anymore. I can’t be friends with you anymore.”

She stared at him. He was making no sense whatsoever. She needed him to explain. “Chakotay…” she began hesitantly.

“That day, on the bridge, sending you off to face the Borg,” he began haltingly. “That was the worst day of my life. Holding you like that, seeing you smile, and then you left me. Damn it, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Each day that you were gone was slowly killing me.”

Kathryn nodded sadly. The times he’d been missing had been painful for her as well. But she couldn’t forsake his friendship, just to make life a little easier on them both. She needed his friendship too much, not just her first officer. “I do that all the time,” she told him. “But you don’t see me wanting to cut off the one close friend I have.”

Chakotay sighed. “No, but I know now why you’ve never wanted to take ‘us’ further. I… I couldn’t have stood it if anything had happened to you.”

“Well, you’d have had to, mister,” she told him sharply. “This crew needs a captain who can get them home and I don’t think Tuvok is quite the one, do you?”

The look on his face that appeared was the moment when she realised that something would have to change. Previously she’d always thought that Chakotay had been able to keep his emotions in check, especially when it came to her, but it was obvious that this was not the case. Which meant they were at a crossroads. They could either go their separate ways and just remain captain and first officer or… Kathryn hesitated. The alternative was a big one, a massive one. The alternative meant taking their relationship further, being able to act on the feelings they so obviously felt for one another. But after the events of the past few days…

She slid off the couch and knelt at his side. “I do understand though,” she said, in a softer tone than the one she had used earlier. “It’s always been difficult, sending you off on a mission and wondering if you’ll return.” She smiled up at him. “But, Chakotay, the captain and the first officer need to be able to communicate with one another and your feeling like this is affecting that. We do need to change, you’re right, but I don’t think distancing ourselves is going to help us or the crew.”

He stared down at her. “So what are you suggesting, Kathryn?”

She took a deep breath. “I think we both have feelings for each other, feelings that go beyond friendship. I need you to be the consummate professional when we’re on duty, but perhaps…” She paused again. “If I was to be lost to you tomorrow, what is the one thing you’d regret about us?”

Chakotay smiled sadly. “That’s easy,” he replied. “Never having told you how I felt about you.”

She reached up and ran a hand gently down his cheek. “How do you feel about me?” she whispered.

He stood up, forcing her hand away from him, and walked over towards the viewport. “Don’t do this to me, Kathryn. Just don’t.”

“Don’t what?” she nearly shouted. “Damn it, Chakotay. I’ve just come back from one hell of a mission hoping to spend some time with the man I love and he’ll barely give me the time of day. Just what the hell is going on?”

He appeared to realise what she’d said the same time as she did. Turning slowly back from the viewport he looked at her. “What did you say?”

Well, there was no going back now; the decision had been made. But he still hadn’t answered her question. “I’m going to die tomorrow,” she told him sombrely. “What would you want to tell me?”

“I love you,” he replied quietly. “I don’t want you to go, but I know you have to. I’ll always love you?”

She reached out for him and he fell into her arms. “You wanted to say that before I went on this mission, didn’t you?” There was no answer. “But you didn’t because you thought I wouldn’t think it appropriate, didn’t you?” Kathryn felt him nod against her shoulder. “That stops right now. We need to be able to express ourselves freely; otherwise we’re going to be a danger to ourselves. What if we are in a life or death situation, not knowing if the other will survive, and the only thing we can think of is why didn’t we tell the other how we felt?” She pulled back from him. “This crew needs us to be functioning properly, not to be preoccupied. You nearly blew it this time, mister.” She smiled, her arms held fast around his neck. “How do you feel about me?”

Chakotay smiled back. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. How do you feel about me?”

“Kathryn!”

“How do you feel about me?”

“I love you,” he insisted.

“I love you, too. How does it feel to be able to tell me how you feel?”

Chakotay nodded. “A weight off my mind.”

“Good.” She pulled away from him, disentangling herself. “I’d stay but I think the Doctor would blow a circuit if he knew.” She straightened up and headed towards the door. “I’ll see you on the bridge tomorrow, Commander, bright and early, oh seven hundred hours sharp!”

“Yes, ma’am.” He threw her a mock salute and she rolled her eyes.

“It’s not crunch time yet, mister.” She turned at the door and grinned wickedly at him. “But maybe when the Doctor releases me, it can be.”

FINIS

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