TITLE: A Moment to Remember
AUTHOR: Sally
SUMMARY: The events of Unforgettable prompt Chakotay to write his thoughts down and a conversation with Kathryn as well
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: TPTB created Kellin. Why oh why could we not forget her as quickly as the other characters that TPTB created did?
“Hey” a voice said softly from above him. “What are you doing?”
He looked up and immediately the felt the conflicting emotions that he’d been experiencing the past few weeks whenever he’d seen her. “Kathryn, I…” He was at a loss for words.
“May I join you?” She didn’t wait for an answer. Instead she placed her mug down on the table and pulled out the chair opposite him. “Paper and a pen. Not seen either of those in quite a while,” she commented.
“I didn’t want to forget.” The words came out in a rush. “I know last time I forgot. This time I didn’t want to. This experience should never be forgotten.”
Kathryn smiled at him. “Kellin,” she said softly. “I’m sorry, Chakotay. I saw how happy you were with her.”
He shook his head. “She got me to fall for her twice,” he said, with a trace of bitterness appearing in his voice. “Why couldn’t I do the same?” It was the same question he’d asked Neelix earlier.
“People change.”
“But we hadn’t.”
She reached out and grabbed his wrist. “She had though. The tracer completely altered her memories. She didn’t know who you were; she only knew that she was a tracer with a duty to do. And she couldn’t see a way around those duties.”
Chakotay stared at her. It was though Kathryn could have been speaking about herself, and at this point in time he didn’t know how he felt about that. About her. He had fallen for Kellin so hard. Or at least he thought her had.
“Let me tell you a story,” his friend continued. “Its no ancient legend but it is about people changing, even if they don’t know it. My sister, Phoebe, she dated this man for years. His name was Christopher. They talked about getting married but he had a business that took him away often and the timing just never seemed right. Phoebs was used to him going, claimed she had the best of both worlds, a man who loved her as well as the freedom to come and go as she wished. However, one night before he left they argued. Arguments between them weren’t rare but they never lasted long either. Mother and I kept upstairs, tried not to listen in.” She grinned. “I’m sure you know how that is. Anyway, the next day Christopher left and Phoebe missed him. She contacted him where he was, they made up over the fight and he promised to be home soon. And he was. In fact he came home early. Surprised all of us. But then, neither of them could stay away for long after they’d fought. But over the next few weeks, it was clear things had changed. There were no other parties involved, trust me on that one.” Kathryn grinned again and Chakotay was suddenly struck by the image of a young Kathryn accusing her sister’s boyfriend of wrongdoing. “But the spark was gone. Eventually, they were no longer together romantically, though last I heard they were still friends.”
“But Kellin didn’t leave,” he whispered.
“She did. The first time. The time we don’t remember. Who knows what the two of you were like? You could have been all over each other for all we know. You could have been having illicit encounters in your office while you were supposed to be on duty.” The words were not said as a reprimand, her tone was still light.
“Bet you would have loved that.”
She sat back up. “As your captain, I would have had something to say, yes. But as your friend?” She paused. “I was happy for you Chakotay. Kellin was able to give you something…”
Her voice trailed off and Chakotay again felt the mixed emotions rush through him. How could he have cared for Kellin so much when this woman here… Cared. Maybe that was it. Maybe he had only cared for Kellin because she did love him freely; something that Kathryn was unable to do. And Kathryn had been selflessly happy for him. He swallowed and looked across at his captain. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.
She shook her head. “Don’t be. You’re entitled to whatever happiness you can get on this ship. I hold you to nothing, except your counsel and your friendship.”
“You’ll always have those.”
“Thank you.” Kathryn glanced down at her mug. “Damn, its gone cold.”
Chakotay leaned back in his chair and laughed. His friend was truly adept at the art of changing the subject. “Get another one then,” he suggested.
“Can’t,” she replied, looking disgusted. “I’m out of rations for the week.” She paused. “Maybe I best get to bed.”
He blinked. “You? Rest?”
“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” she chided. “Think about it. The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner the new day will come and the computer will have reset itself. I’ll have rations again. No one, or thing, will ever remember I was out of them. Hell, we won’t even remember this conversation.” She stood up.
Chakotay stood up with her. “You know,” he said, as they started the walk back to their quarters. “We could do whatever we wanted since we’re not going to remember in the morning.”
“This is true… but would it work out right if we were to dispose of Neelix’ entire leola root supply?”
He chuckled. “I don’t know. I suspect Neelix might notice it was missing, even if no one could tell him what had happened to it. No, we’d have to come up with something else to do.” He paused for a moment or two, suddenly thinking of what he’d like to do, and whom he’d like to do it with. “What would you like to do, Kathryn?” he asked gently.
She smiled back at him, almost shyly. “I think you know,” she said quietly.
And then it all came back to him. He remembered why he had told Kellin that it would be unlike him to fall in love with her. He couldn’t fall in love with her because his heart was already given away. And Kathryn was reminding him that she still had it. They had reached her door by the time he could trust himself to speak, knowing that he could have nothing left to lose. “Why don’t you,” he asked in a low tone. “Come the morning things will all be different again. None of it will have happened.”
She looked at him. “I couldn’t, Chakotay.” He thought for a moment she might want to bring protocol into it, even now. But she surprised him. “And there are very good reasons for it. For one, you’d be on the rebound. And I couldn’t do that to you.”
Even now she was thinking for what was best for him. He liked it in a way. For all the times he’d gone crazy, accusing her in his mind of putting the ship’s needs before her own, or even his, he saw her now of someone who genuinely wanted others to come first. How could he fault her for that? “I understand,” he told her. “Thank you and goodnight.” He began the brief walk back to his own rooms next door.
“Chakotay,” she called out after him, making him stop and turn. “I never told you the other reason.”
The other reason? Oh yes, he thought. She had said that there were reasons plural. He shook his head. It was late, he was tired. “What is the other reason?”
“Because I’d want to remember it.” He supposed the surprise he felt at her comment must have shown on his face. “Really,” she confirmed for him.
He looked at his feet, then at the corridor beyond and then finally at her. Sticking his hands in his pockets he couldn’t help the grin. “One day, Kathryn,” he told her. “One day. And you will remember it.” He turned away from her briefly, tapping in the code for his quarters. When he looked back she was still standing there, the door to her quarters wide open, the light from inside illuminating her even more in the fluorescent brilliance of the corridor. “Goodnight, Kathryn.”
FINIS