Decisive Moments

Author: Sally
Summary: Han does some thinking and reflecting
Rating: I always muddle over these… I’d say PG-13 to be safe
Disclaimer: They belong to George and LFL. I do not make money from this and write only for fun.
Thanks to: Beth J
Note: This contains spoilers up to and including Tim Zahn’s Heir to the Empire trilogy

Han sat back and surveyed the scene in front of him, regretfully reminding himself that this had been his idea. Go for a drink with Luke, Wedge Antilles and the latest two recruits into Rogue Squadron; it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now he wasn’t so sure.

For one thing he wasn’t entirely sure that the right impression was being conveyed to Jansen and Klivan. Of course, he wasn’t entirely sure about them either and at the moment it was difficult to tell who was influencing who: Skywalker and Antilles on the fresh faces or Jansen and Klivan on the old-timers. Note to self, Han thought. Remind the Rogues much later that it’s a bad idea to go drinking with your commander.

He took another gulp of his ale and grinned. Skywalker as commander. It was hard to believe. The kid just seemed so young at times, so naďve. In fact, Han had gone so far as to suggest that perhaps Wedge Antilles would have made a better choice. But Antilles had shaken his head, laughed and made a comment about not wanting to usurp the hero of the Battle of Yavin.

He tuned himself back into the conversation, which had now shifted from the subject of Problems With the X-Wing Design. It now appeared to have turned to his favourite subject, or least favourite depending on how you looked at it. He picked up his mug again and sighed.

“It’ll never happen,” the kid was whining. “She’s in love with Han.”

All eyes turned to watch the smuggler nearly choke on his drink.

“Who is?” he managed to recover. “Her highnessness? Yeah, right, kid.”

He laughed it off but inwardly he wondered. Lately, the relationship between him and the last heir of Alderaan had fluctuated wildly. One minute he could be convinced that they were becoming friends while the next the climate between them was as cold as the isolated planet on which they were currently stationed. It was incredibly confusing.

He supposed he should have left ages ago. Truth was he couldn’t leave. Oh, he had tried to once, and failed miserably. Having no where else to go after being robbed by pirates on his way to finally paying Jabba, he had slunk back to the rebellion, having to confess that their hard sought resources were gone. He knew that they’d very nearly not accepted him, but the young woman had put in a good word for him, citing his piloting skills and extreme bravado. And so he had stayed. And each time they had run from one system to the next she had been a passenger on the Falcon and he had been convinced to stay. But now the time was drawing near when he had no choice but to leave and return to Tatooine to face Jabba. The incident with the bounty hunter on Ord Mantell had convinced him of that.

A loud crash interrupted his thoughts. Jansen had finally passed out. Han had expected that this would happen, he had lost count of how many mugs of ale the youngster had had. Han looked over his own mug at the view and then across to Luke.

“Well, kid,” he drawled. “I guess your little party’s over. We need to get this one back to his bunk before Rieekan or Her Worship finds out.” He put the mug down and stood up.

The smuggler watched Luke’s cheeks turn a slight red at the mention of the woman they had rescued three years ago from the Death Star. Yep, he figured, the kid has got it bad. And who am I to stand in the way of true love? They’re absolutely perfect for each other.

He ignored the nagging of his own heart that told the story a little differently.

Something was nagging at him from the back of his mind. Something was telling him that this shouldn't be happening. But the hard reality of it was that it was happening and he was entirely helpless to stop it. Think of the kid, his conscience finally pushed through. You should be thinking of the kid.

But Solo had long been used to thinking only of himself and acting out of self-interest. Which is why he was here now, in this corridor of his prized ship. With her.

And she was in his arms and he was kissing her. Or was she kissing him? Or were they actually kissing each other? Yes, that was it. This wasn't all his doing, or her doing. This was a mutual thing.

It couldn’t last though. And it didn't.

"Captain Solo, sir," the protocol droid interrupted. "I've isolated the secondary power couplings."

It was all that was needed for the moment to be broken and for her to run away, headed for the Falcon's cockpit. Han turned on the interruption. "Well, thank you very much," he sarcastically drawled.

"You're quite welcome."

Han was beginning to wonder if the term "protocol droid" had been applied correctly when it came this particular unit. At times like this he wanted to know just who had created this thing called C-3PO because he was dearly wanting to shoot him.

Leia was gone. No doubt realisation was setting in. The rest of the journey would be unbearable. She would probably go back to being haughty heiress and princess rather than fearless rebel. Well, he had taken a gamble. And lost. But it was worth it just for the feel of her close to him.

Pausing briefly to pick up the tools Leia had been using, he started off down the opposite corridor to the utility unit. Depositing the items in the rusty metal case he sat back on his heels and reflected. Had he really pushed her too far this time, overwhelmed with his actions? After all, she seemed to make it pretty clear the other day that she preferred the kid to him. Could she have made it more obvious by actually kissing him in the infirmary? Chewbacca had laughed, Han had tried to shrug it off but knew he had failed. When had she crept into his heart like this? He wasn’t entirely sure.

Perhaps he should go and speak to her, he thought. On the other hand, perhaps not. It would be highly uncomfortable for both of them if she had reacted out of instinct and not because she wanted to kiss him. But if he didn’t say something… the thought of leaving her at the rendezvous point not knowing was infinitely better than knowing. Han Solo was not a man for regrets. He’d got past that point the very day before he met Leia and the kid, before he ended up in this situation.

Bria. He’d loved her and he thought she’d loved him. Obviously, she hadn’t loved him enough not to betray him. She’d been a part of the Rebellion too, and had tried to drag him kicking and screaming into it. Leia wanted the same thing, she’d just used less pressure. And to his knowledge, she at least hadn’t tried using his feelings against him.

Did Leia actually know just how much he did feel for her? He doubted it, she probably just assumed that he had been trying to prove a point back there, and now she was probably humiliated over her response.

Okay, he thought. That does it. I’m going to speak to her. She should know the truth. I don’t want her thinking the worst of me, or herself. He stood up, vainly attempted to brush away the dirt from his pants, ran a hand through his hair and set off in her direction.

He found her sitting in the dim light of the cockpit. She was sat in his seat, he did not know whether it was an unconscious thing or by design. More exactly, she was curled into a ball in his seat and he had to fight the urge to take her in his arms. Instead he chose to take the oversized co-pilot’s seat.

“Hey,” he said softly.

She looked up at him.

“I, er, I guess I should be apologising for what happened back there.”

Still there was silence from her.

“Truth is though, Leia, I can’t. I don’t want to. Truth is, I’d wanted to do that for a very long time. Don’t ask me how long because I have no idea myself.”

“Han, I…”

“I guess I should apologise though for doing it the way I did. You didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter.”

“Sometimes I could kill Threepio.”

His jaw dropped open a little. Had she really just said that? “What?” he managed to say.

Her eyes met his. “Han, I… it wasn’t exactly one-sided, you know. I’m as much a part of this as you are.”

“You are? I mean, yeah, right, there were two of us back there.” Well, so far so good, he thought. At least she hadn’t tried to kill him.

“Solo? I do believe you’re nervous.” She chuckled.

“Me?” He raised a hand to point to himself. “Nah, I don’t think so.”

She smiled. “I think you are, you know.”

“And what makes you think that?”

“You’re out of your depth. I’m not your usual type of woman.”

“That’s saying something,” he shot without thinking. Desperately, he tried to recover. “But you’re probably as forward as some of them.”

“Some of them?” her eyebrow arched. “Just how many are there?”

He leaned forward to grasp the arm of her chair. “At the moment, just the one, if she’ll have me,” he said softly.

She could not mistake his meaning. She gasped a little. “Han, I don’t know. I mean, I’m not sure. There’s the Rebellion, you know.”

“No, really.”

“Han!”

“Sorry.”

“What I mean is, we could all be dead tomorrow.”

“So?” He leaned closer. “Enjoy today. Live for the moment.” He knew it wasn’t just the thought of his death that worried her. It was his impending leaving that had her concerned. She just wasn’t the woman to be loved and left, and he didn’t want her to be either. “Look sweetheart,” he began and saw her stiffen slightly at his use of the endearment. “Leia,” he started over. “You mean a lot to me. I didn’t want it to happen, but it did. It’s like you’re a part of me now and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to do anything about it.”

He closed his eyes briefly and looked down; having confessed his soul to her he now waited for her to reject him.

“Han?”

“Yes?”

He felt her hand reach out and raise his chin. “Han, look at me. Please?”

How could he resist that voice? It had been a struggle in the past but now he knew he would never escape. He obeyed and found himself looking into her eyes, such beautiful eyes.

“Han. I, I, don’t know what to say.”

“Just say you’ll think about it.”

“I will. I’m just a little unsure that’s all.”

“I know,” he whispered softly. “And I know you’ve got other priorities besides a, what was it you called me? A scruffy looking nerf-herder?” He sighed. “Yeah, I better make sure he doesn’t destroy anything back there.” Slowly, he began to stand up.

“Is there anything back there left to destroy?” she couldn’t resist asking.

“Ha ha, your highnessness,” he grinned. Just before he reached the door of the cabin. “Promise me?”

She nodded. “Yes, Han, I promise.”

It was all he could hope to ask for. “Okay, furball,” he yelled as he headed back down the corridor. “I’m coming.” He stuck his hands in his pocket and began to whistle. Perhaps he finally had something worth returning to somewhere for.

Everything sounded so strange to him. He was reliant on his hearing now, seeing only a golden blur and then a dark blur. But he only recognised the voices around him. Everything else was foreign.

But she was there. He knew that much. “Leia?” he croaked, wishing for the hundredth time that he had not had to exert his vocal chords so much in so short a time.

There was a rustle, the sound of metal lightly hitting metal and then the touch of her hand on his. “I’m here, Han.” He felt another hand upon his forehead. “Just lie still. You should be fine in a few hours.”

He reached out for her, to pull her closer and convince himself that she was real. His hand made contact with bare skin. “Leia?” he asked, incredulous. “Not meaning to put you off, sweetheart, but I’d like to hold off until I can see you again.” His hand continued its travel up her side, until he eventually hit something solid. “What the hell?”

She seemed to back off slightly. “It’s nothing,” she muttered.

“Yeah, right,” he snorted. Though he couldn’t see here he suddenly envisioned what she was probably looking like. “Leia,” he began. “Ah, no, Leia. He didn’t, did he?”

“Han,” she warned.

“Listen, Leia. Remember, I know what Jabba’s capable of.” He raised a hand to his forehead. “This is all my fault. I am so sorry. No one should have to go through that.” He turned his head away from her. “Thank you for rescuing me. I’m just sorry it cost you so much. When I’m better I’ll leave.”

Her hand grasped him tighter and she shook it a little. “You listen to me, Captain Nerf-Herder. You are not going anywhere.” She leaned in closer to him. “He didn’t hurt me. I went through worse on the Death Star.”

Han groaned. That was another past action he didn’t need to be reminded of. To think that he’d been reluctant to rescue her. ‘Better her than me,’ he’d told Luke when the kid had said that she was scheduled to be executed. That could have been the biggest mistake he would make in his life.

Leia was still talking. “I couldn’t leave you there, Han. I couldn’t. Luke felt the same. We had to get you out of there.” She leaned over him and he suddenly felt her lips brush his. “You asked me to think about it, Han.”

He did? Yes, he thought. He had asked her to think about how she felt about him, about the possibility of something between them. Stupid Han, he reprimanded himself. “And have you?” he managed to ask.

“Yes,” she whispered. “I have. And you had better stay around now that I have.”

“Leia, I…” He was cut off by a hand placed over his mouth.

“Shut up, Solo,” she laughed. “Being with you might be the biggest mistake of my life but I’ll take the chance if you will.”

He nodded eagerly and accepted her mouth on his as she replaced her hand with it. Better stay around, huh? Yeah, he thought. He could do that.

“So I said to him…” Wes’ voice continued on, determined to impress the red-haired woman sitting next to him.

Han laughed. He could tell that Mara was not impressed with Jansen’s tall tales. They seemed to get worse as the X-Wing pilot had got older. But at least he no longer passed out after a few mugs of ale. Long gone were those days. The former smuggler chuckled slightly and launched himself off his leaning post, prepared to rescue Mara from a fate worse than death.

Someone else got there before him.

“Oh, come on Wes, give it a break,” Luke chided. Leia’s brother sat the other side of Mara, one arm casually across the back of the bench they rested on. “She’s just being polite listening to you.”

Solo watched Mara jab his brother-in-law in the ribs. “I can speak for myself, Skywalker,” she stated firmly. She turned back to Jansen. “Get a life, flyboy, or else go harass Salla over there. I’m sure she’d love hear your stories.” She indicated a woman sat the other side of the crowded hall.

“Nah,” Wes answered. “She’s already heard them.”

“Ten times over,” Luke added. Mara threw back her head and laughed. Watching from his pillar, Han suddenly noticed the younger man fasten his attention on her, knowing he’d seen the same expression many years before. Good grief, kid, he thought. You certainly know how to pick them.

His thoughts were interrupted by a slight pair of hands encircling his waist. “What are you thinking, Nerf-herder?”

He turned and looked at his wife. “Where are the babies?”

Leia slid closer to him. “Winter offered to look after them. I wanted to come join in the fun.”

He laughed. “Fun?” He shook his head. “I think the problem these days is that I’m getting too old for this sort of fun.”

His wife raised an eyebrow at him. “Too old? Is that why you’re standing all the way over here?”

He pulled her to him and directed her gaze in the direction he’d been looking. “It’s a lot more fun to observe.”

“Oh, watching Luke attempt to integrate Mara into things?”

“Yeah. How do you feel about her?”

“I don’t know,” she answered slowly. “I think she’s okay, but I don’t know if I can consciously trust her. I know she helped save the babies but it’s still hard to realise that she was responsible for so many acts against the rebellion.” She shook her head. “I’ve learned to trust Luke’s judgment though and if he says she’s okay then I have to believe him.”

“That’s good.” He laughed.

She looked back up at him. “What? Oh, never mind. Anyway, you never answered my question. What were you thinking about just now?”

He kissed her lightly on her nose. “The reason I say ‘good’ is precisely what I was thinking about earlier. Luke’s in love with her, sweetheart.”

Leia pulled slightly away from him. “What? What makes you say that?”

Han pulled her back in. “It’s the way he looks at her when he thinks she’s not looking. The way he smiles at her.”

“Oh you,” she laughed. “You’re just a hopeless romantic.”

“No, I’m not,” he denied. “I just recognise the actions as being the same as those of a selfish smuggler many years ago.” He leaned in to kiss her properly, relishing the taste of her. Constantly, he reminded himself just how lucky he’d been.

“Poor Luke,” she murmured when the kiss finally ended. “He doesn’t stand a chance.”

“That’s what that self-absorbed smuggler thought of all those years ago,” he whispered in her ear. “And look what he got.”

“What did he get, Han?” she breathed.

“His whole reason for living,” he replied softly. “I love you, Leia.”

“I know,” she replied. She looked back out at the crowd. “Do you really think Luke has a chance?”

“Stranger things have happened,” he replied. “I never thought I stood a chance with the most beautiful, passionate woman in the galaxy. But it happened.”

“I’m glad it did,” she said, smiling.

Suddenly Han realised that the last place he wanted to be was in this room with a party going on around them. He just wanted to be with his wife. “Let’s leave this place to the kids. What do you say?”

“I’m the same age as some of those kids, Solo,” she laughed. “But yes, let’s go.”

And together, arms around each other, never wanting to let go, they left the hall for their quarters.

END