Dear 'Rous
rousface@hotmail.com
This is the place in my hip and or with it web site where all your mini dramas will be solved, and all your other questions will be answered. All you have to do is send me your questions to the address shown below and I will respond and post it on my site for all to see. You can ask anything, for I all the Buddha of Answers. Oh yeah, that's right! I will answer your questions as soon as possible. Oooh k. I have already recieved a few questions so I will get right to it and answer them.
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Dear 'Rous,
My parents are over 40 and have sex all the time. It discusts me and I want them to stop. It is so gross. Are they too OLD to do this??? Are they perverts???!!!
~ Disturbed in Seattle
Dear Disturbed,
You must try to understand that what your parents are doing is totally normal. They love eachother and this is the way they show their affection for one and other. They are technically not too old since they are apparently fit enough to do this. Soon enough they won't be able to make it up the stairs let alone "get jiggy wit it". So have no fear. In the mean time, if you find your self being awakened by the sounds of the "house a rockin'", simply turn on some music and plan out what you will say to your parents in the morning. Let them know how you feel about their ways. Try saying, "Dad, would you mind keeping it down when you are humping Mom like dogs in the park?" or maybe, "Mom would you try not to scream like a banshee when Dad rides you like a pony?" These similies may give you some disturbing mental pictures but they can become your best friend in your quest for inner sanity and peace. Good luck and remember if your parents weren't perverts, you wouldn't be here.
~'Rous
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Dear 'Rous,
Hey, I am a 48 year old divorced male from Idaho. I am kind of embarassed about asking such a silly question, but I need to get it off my chest. Ok, When I was married to my ex-wife: Sue-Anne, I could not even have sex with her, or even get intimate with her, due to me having erectile difficulties. One day I asked the Doctor to prescribe me to Viagra. I took it everytime we wanted to get "Our Groove On" It never worked for me!
One day Sue-Anne left me for my brother. I tried to commit suicide by over dosing on Viagra pills, but instead of overdosing I got hooked on them. Now I take 6 pills an hour. I don't know what to do. I get so horny that sometimes when I am walking down the street, I will see a McDonalds drive through sign and I will immediately start humping the signs brains out. I cant control myself! What should I do? How can I prevent my urges of arousal and just being plain ol' Horny?? ~ Horny in Idaho
Dear Horny,
Well, the only thing I can perscribe for your apparent disorder would be to see a Sexaholholics peer support group and either get satasfaction for your urges from other obsessors like you or try to stop your urges. Other then that, rumor has it that a good dose of potasium sulfate pills just might do the trick. It settles your little boy down ... if you know what I mean. Well, I wish you luck. And please keep the potasium sulfate away from open flame... it causes a thick black cloud of smoke... which might arrouse you or something. I'm really not sure what to expect with your current condition. Send my regards to Sue-Anne. My words of wisdom are, "Here's to the past, kiss my ass, I hope he's happy with her."
~'Rous
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Dear 'Rous Face,
I was just wondering if you really have a face crack. When I was 5 years old I was diagnosed with chronic crack disease in my face and over the past 11 years it has slowly gotten worse. I refuse to show my face in public because I was once arrested for indecent exposure because a police officer thought my face was my buttox. I have only seen one doctor about my condition because I refuse to leave the house and when I call a doctor for a housecall they think it is a prank when I answer the door. Do you know of any cures or any place that I can go to just to talk to people like me?
~Cracked in Carolina
Dear Cracked,
First of all, it deeply saddens me to admit ... I in fact do not have a face crack. I know, I know, i have disapointed you all greatly. I am still waiting for my surgery to be booked. I guess they see heart surgery more important then "glutes-chin-insertion". Yes, that's what he called it.
The main concern that I feel I must stress to you, is that you have been blessed with this rare gift. Use it to your advantage! Seize the day! Moon someone with your face! Stop hidding from this cruel world and go out and live up to your full facely potential! I wish I had a face crack. You have so much going for you! So much potential and stamina! You just need to work up your courage and face your crack. (Pun totally intended, though it makes zero sense)
If you are having trouble getting out of your house and need to talk to someone about your fears call Kids Help Phone. (#1-800-668-6868)They are available 24/7 and always willing to help you out in any condition.
If your local police cannot appreciate your blessing from Buddha you need to tell them, "f*word you!". Just saying it may impower you. Say it with me now, "I'm ugly and I am proud." This will help you through the best and worst of times.
There is no cure for your rarity, and as it should be. You truly blessed. Love your face! I know i do ... *prow*.
~'Rous
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Dear 'Rous,
Almighty 'Rous! I need your words of wisdom! Recently, i have started to get urges to do sinful things to my dog. I'm worried that some time I won't be able to control it. Is this normal?? Does it happen to you? What can I do to ensure the safety and wellbeing of my beloved Kibbles? Thank you so much for your help!
~ Future Dog-Raper in L.A
Choose your response, pick one!
Positive Encouragement
Other Response
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Dear 'Rous,
Hello, My name is Helga Lewinski, I am a 67 year old nun. I've been a nun since my early years as a teenager till now. Being a nun is hard work, I have had to stop having sexual intercoarse, masterbating, or any source of pleasure. It's been a tough and hard life to live. Lately I have been having these urges of raping the 40 year old Priest that attends the Holy Family Bible Church. That is the church I attend at as a nun. What should I do? I know commiting rape is against God, and is a devilish sin to commit. The Priest is one darn good-looking man. Even though his skin is really saggy and I am sure he has prescribed himself numerouse times to Viagra. I still want to rap my 67 year old legs around his nice firm pudgey body. I know this is not like a nun to be thinking of these types of things, but you try to be a nun and stop having sexual intercoarse. When I was a teenager about 18 or 19 I was Having Sexual Intercoarse, pretty much everyday with my ex-step brother, *God bless his soul*. He died in a freak accident. A pain of glass fell from a roof of a constructing building and squished his body. That is the one reason why I turned into a nun. But I did not think that being a nun, had to give up sexual intercoarse. What I really need help on is, What should I do about my sexual urges to rape the priest of The Holy Family Bible Church? Should I proceed and go against my will as a nun? Or should I not, and be locked in a cage the rest of my life, without the sexual intercoarse? Please help? ~The Rapist Nun...
Dear The Rapist Nun,
Ok, so my first questions is... why? Why do you think you are attracted to this man? Why do you think these urges have come upon you? And is it your true destiny to be a nun? Once you think about these things you can truly find out what you think is best for you todo. Maybe you need to confess your sinful thoughts to another church were it can be more private. God will forgive you... because sex is bad... and you should have to feel badly about being arroused by a priest.
Maybe being a nun isn't right for you. What made you feel that becoming a nun would solve your problems when your ex-step brother died? Did you feel it would help you grieve? There are other things you can do to "Praise The Lord." And that might be able to help you come to terms with this loss. God is good and he has a great plan for us all... your lover was mean to die... because God is good.
When you decide what you want to do with your life as a nun then you can decide what to do with this priest. Maybe you can start a relationship with him if you decide that you want more then a life of prayer ... along with a new relationship with God. However God is all you need. All you need to survive is prayer and a strong faith in God. You don't need to do anything for yourself. No, of course not... just pray! God will save us all! I hope my inspirational rant has helped you. God bless us all!! ~'Rous
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Dear 'Rous,
lyke omg, u r lyke the kewlest gurl i know! y does every1 hates me?? can u give me some tips so i can lyke get friendz n be as kewl as u? thankz! u r ma hero! ~Blond Bimbo in B.C
Dear Blond Bimbo,
Well... you seem like a "kewl" person already... you know with your lyke kewl slang and such. You really don't need any tips from me except be yourself and uh... yeah, don't be afraid to use proper English sometimes. Some people might appreciate it. It can get annoying. And those people that "hate" you? Well they obviously can't appreciate the intelligent convorsations I'm sure you can have with them. Just keep on being yourself and you will be fine. Everyone loves a stalker... try stalking your friends, they can't ignore you then! ~'Rous
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