The Weakest Link: Enterprise
by Hejira Hayes

Summary: What the title suggests.
Disclaimer: I own not the shows parodied in this parody, nor do I pretend to. I do not make any profit from this.
Rating: PG-13 to be safe. Slight coarse language.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Voice-over that sounds like Chris Carter: Last time on the Star Trek Weakest Link parodies, various shows, species, and character-trait-oriented groups were put through the wringer. Now, there is a tiny little gap with these - they were written before Enterprise. To fully bring this series into canon, the host (who will shortly be arriving) decided to do this to them. All I can say is this: Watch the hell out.

The host walks up and it's...ME!

I, Hejira Soranson Hayes, am the host of this parody. It's not exactly a revolutionary move, but -

Porthos: Get on with it!
Host: How the hell can you talk?
Porthos: At least you heard me.
Host: Fine. Welcome to the Weakest Link.

Dun dun dun dun!

Archer: Hi. I'm Jonathon Archer. What am I meant to be doing here?
T'Pol: I'm Sub-Commander T'Pol. Yes, I used a contraction. What's it to you, punk?
Trip: I'm Charles Tucker. Care to go into the decon chamber with me?
Host: Later.
Trip: Woohoo!
Reed: I'm Malcolm Reed, weapons specialist. Look, I'm in the middle.
Mayweather: I'm Travis Mayweather, and I have a phobia about wind.
Archer: You can't be afraid of the wind, Ensign.
Mayweather: I can shortly after you ask me to pull your finger!
Sato: My name's Hoshi Sato, and I'm an exo-linguist. I can understand pretty much any language, even if I've never heard of it before.
Host: Itquay ouryay oastingbay.
Sato: What did you say?
Phlox: I'm Doctor Phlox. Wow, the Weakest Link. On Denobula we have a similar game called, "Bitches Galore." What happens is topless alien women -
Host: And before half the male demographic goes into a comatose state, we had better start playing.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Host: Archer, if a Vulcan offered to donate you some blood, would you live?
Archer: God no - I wouldn't take it.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: T'Pol, is Trip good in the decon chamber?
T'Pol: I wouldn't know.
Host: Correct, I guess.
Trip: Aww man!

Host: Trip, what's my favourite food?
Trip: Ahhhhhhh!
Host: Go ahead, what's my favourite food?
Trip: Coffee beans coated in chocolate.
Host: Correct.
Trip: Damn, not again!

Host: Reed, what kind of person are you?
Trip: Is this the Weakest Link or a dating agency?
Host: Shut up you.
Reed: I have no idea.
Host: Correct!

Host: Mayweather, what month has the best weather?
Mayweather: May.
Host: Hee - that's clever.

Host: Hoshi, translate this sentence: Eadday eoplepay on ookshay.
Sato: Ahhhhhhh!
Host: Ungh. Incorrect.

Host: Phlox, are you a pornography dealer?
Phloxxx: I can be.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: Well, that was good in some manner...I just can't think of one. In your time you still have money, and you banked NOTHING! This is even more pathetic than the others. Which one of you will be shot out of the first canon violation? It's time to vote off...the Weakest Link.

Chris: Reed was the strongest link in that round, answering his question correctly and not regretting it. Sato was the weakest link, screaming yet again and answering her question incorrectly. Trip was just a plain old pedantic drone.

Dun dun dun dun.

Host: Sorry, my ears are still ringing...
Sato: Whoops.
Host: Let's look at the votes.

Archer: T'Pol
T'Pol: Sato
Trip: My house, 8 pm.
Reed: Phlox(xx)
Mayweather: No, MY house, 7:30 pm.
Sato: Ahhhhhhh!
Phlox: The wimp next to me.

You know the drill: Dun dun dun dun.

Host: I'm flattered. Really. But flattery will get you nowhere.
Chris: Janewayite!
Host: Damn right! T'Pol, why Sato?
T'Pol: I've got sensitive ears. Porthos jumped up and scratched them when that kid screamed.
Porthos: It's not my fault.
Host: Phlox, why Sato?
Phlox: Like T'Pol said, she's a kid. 'Nuff said.
Host: Sato, why did you write "Ahhhhhh!"?
Sato: I got itchy on my foot, but everyone was writing so I didn't want to disturb them.
Host: Well, with two votes against you and two dates for me, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Sato: Ahhhhhh!

Sato: I screamed like a twelve-year-old. Maybe it's because I *am* twelve years old...

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Host: Reed, because you were the strongest link you get to go first.
Reed: Woohoo!
Host: Incorrect. The correct answer is, "Yippie!"
Reed: Damn you.

Host: Mayweather, how fast can you fly?
Mayweather: Warp 4.5.
Host: Incorrect. You don't have any wings to enable you to fly.

Host: Phlox, how do you reproduce?
Phloxxx: Well -
Host: I'll just give the point to you, okay?

Host: Archer, what was the career of an ancestor of yours?
Archer: Um...what was the rule again?
T'Pol: With a last name like yours, you can easily figure it out.
Archer: Oh yeah! He was the Taco Bell Dog!
Host: Incorrect. He was an archer.
Archer: Duh, but what did he do?
Host: Archery.
T'Pol: Archer and Archery, sittin' in a tree...

Host: T'Pol, where did that rhyme come from?
T'Pol: Buggered if I know.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: Trip, was that a chubby in the decon chamber?
Trip: Well -
Host: Hang on a second while I duct tape the Denobulan's mouth. Now, what were you saying?
Trip: What do you think?
Host: I think I can wait a half-hour longer to go to someone's home tonight.
Mayweather: Dammit!

Host: Well, you're a bunch of sex-crazed Trek-universe wannabes, aren't you?
Trip: And darn proud of it!
Host: Who'll be grappled with the grappler in a tender spot? It will be...the weakest link!

Chris: Statistically, Phlox was the strongest link. He didn't have to work a damn bit to get a correct answer. Mayweather was the weakest link when he thought he could fly. Trip has got the host in the sack.
Trip: Hot damn!
Host: Porthos, can you take over from Chris' job?
Porthos: Sure, I'm all for equal opportunities in the workplace.

Host: Let's take a look at the votes, huh?

Reed: I hate your guts.
Mayweather: Trip
Phlox: Mayweather - can someone take off the tape now?
Archer: T'Pol
T'Pol: Mayweather
Trip: So it's confirmed - my place?

Blah blah blah.

Host: Reed, I can easily accept the fact that you hate my guts. Phlox, why Mayweather?
Phlox: He doesn't have wings - you can see that!
Host: T'Pol, why Mayweather?
T'Pol: His answer was correct - but only after eating Sato's chilli.
Host: Oh well. He still has two votes. Travis, you are the weakest link - goodbye!

Mayweather: And it's the reason I'm afraid of the wind, too. At least I took Phlox's duct tape.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Host: Phlox, as you were the strongest link you get to start first. Can you say a sentence without any sexual innuendo?
Phlox: No, because I'm a little teapot...
Host: I'll accept that. For those at home who don't get it, say it thinking of Trip's chubby.

Host: Archer, why is it that the other captains had a 'k' sound in their names and you don't?
Archer: What other captains?
Host: Correct! Oh yay!

Host: T'Pol, have you taken your nasal numbing agent today?
T'Pol: Yes.
Host: Thank god. Can anyone else smell that?
Phlox: Yes, it must have been Mayweather. He must have eaten Ensign Sato's chilli.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: Trip, can you make a good mango chicken?
Trip: I can try.
Host: Good enough for me.

Host: Reed, are you gay?
Reed: I choose not to answer that question due to the possibility it may not be considered canon later on.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: And you little varmints STILL haven't banked ANYTHING. Who's going to be impaled by the Klingon warrior K'Vlad? I'm sure it will be the Weakest Link. Porthos?

Porthos: My owner, Archer, was the strongest link, exercising continuity. Trip was the weakest link - he might mess up the mango chicken.
Host: Quiet you.
Porthos: Reed was the smartest link, hiding behind continuity to cover up his homosexuality. Phlox was the most opportunistic link, taking T'Pol's point.

Host: Let's not even bother with the music.
Russel Watson: Damn.
Host: Let's look at the votes.
Russel: It's been a long road...
Host: What did I say?
Russel: Sorry.

Phlox: Reed
Archer: T'Pol
T'Pol: Mayweather
Trip: Reed
Reed: I can cook a nice carbonara.

Host: Phlox, why Reed?
Phlox: If I demoralize him enough, I can make him my bee-otch.
Host: *shudders* Archer, you've once again voted for T'Pol!
Archer: Yes, I know. I don't like Vulcans. It's a character trait.
T'Pol: So was my hesitation towards eating pecan pie, you twit.
Host: You took the words out of my mouth, T'Pol, but Mayweather's not even here.
T'Pol: Neither's my nasal numbing agent.
Host: Trip, why Reed? Why not more details about our dinner date?
Trip: I saw him write the carbonara bit.
Host: I prefer carbonara to mango chicken.
Trip: Son of a bitch!
Host: But I heard Reed has a dog named Sparky. Reed, you are the weakest link. K'Vlad!

Reed: Ahhhhhhhhh! I can scream like a twelve-year-old too!
K'Vlad: Get back here sweetie!
Reed: Jesus fucking christ!

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Host: Archer, you were the strongest link last round, so you can start. What's your favourite drink?
Archer: Uh...
Host: This is set just after "Breaking the Ice", so that answer is correct.

Host: T'Pol, why do you use contractions?
T'Pol: I'm a bit clucky.
Host: I'll accept that. Nice wordplay!

Host: Trip, where do you live?
Trip: Unless there's a canon difference...Florida.
Host: Hmm...

Host: Phlox, can you cook mango chicken?
Trip: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Phlox: That answer is correct.

Host: We are down to four players and can't even buy some snow to build a snowman. But as the sculptors aren't here it doesn't matter. Who will you decide is the weakest link?

Porthos: Archer and T'Pol are the strongest links, providing correct answers within their own questions. Phlox is the weakest link. The least he could have said was he could cook a decent mango chicken.

Host: Come on - show me those damn cards.

Archer: T'Pol
T'Pol: Phlox
Trip: Phlox, dammit
Phlox: I want to go home now.

Host: Okay Phlox, you can go home now. Wow, you've been 100% accurate on who gets voted off! Archer, can you vote for someone other than T'Pol?
Archer: I was trying to write your name - it was a typo!
Host: I'll accept that. Phlox...goodbye!

Phlox: Good riddance! I can't give a rat's ass about optimism now.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Host: And thank god for that - the damn smile blew the SFX budget over two dollars - TPTB couldn't get their swizzle sticks. I'm going to give the first question to T'Pol. Do you believe that a human and a Vulcan will ever have a child together?
T'Pol: Yep - I'm a spoiler addict.
Host: Me too! I'll accept that.

Host: Trip, would you cry if I turned down your dinner date?
Trip: Nope.
Host: Wanna bet?
Trip: Wah!
Host: Yep, the answer is incorrect.
Trip: Wah!
Host: I was kidding.
Trip: Phew. *grabs chest* Uh oh.

Host: Archer, do you believe that the human and Vulcan couple mentioned before will involve T'Pol in some way?
Archer: I don't know.
Host: No, of course you don't. Have one of Porthos' doggie treats.

Host: We're down to three people, and all we have to show for it is a meaty bite.
Trip: Um, I'd hate to make a sequel to an already-aired episode so quickly, but I got one of those lump things again!
Host: Well, I can't remain commited to a guy about to be tied down with a family.
Trip: Wah! You're cruel!
T'Pol: You rock.
Host: Thanks. Which one of you crybabies is going to be the weakest link?
Archer: I'm not crying.
T'Pol: Crying's illogical.
Trip: Dammit!

Porthos: T'Pol is the strongest link. She reads spoilers of stuff that's over thirty-five years old. Trip is the weakest link - he's crying a lot and it looks pathetic. Archer is the thieving link - I had that meaty bite saved for a special occasion, dammit.

T'Pol: Archer
Trip: Archer
Archer: T'Pol - wait, aww dammit.

Host: T'Pol, why Archer?
T'Pol: It was a pre-emptive strike.
Host: Trip, why Archer?
Trip: T'Pol doesn't laugh when this kind of thing happens.
Host: Archer, why T'Pol? Yet again?
Archer: You saw how she voted for me! She's a backstabber! Always has been!
Host: With two votes Archer, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Archer: You have no idea how much I restrained myself from knocking her on her ass. Wait, I think you will.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Host: Obviously the captain forgot one of his shoes. We are now at the elimination round. T'Pol, as you were the strongest link you can go first.
T'Pol: Thanks - I've been holding it in for goodness knows how long.
Host: Why aren't you running off?
T'Pol: I thought running off would be illogical.
Host: Aww crap.
T'Pol: Not yet. Wait...yep, now I've crapped.
Trip: I'll change ya - I might need the practise this time.
Host: Oh my god...
Janeway: You called? Holy shit!
Host: See? This is what I have to deal with.
Janeway: I don't have to deal with it! I *am* the weakest link! Goodbye!
Host: Thanks for inspiring my confidence. The least you could have done was pull out the boot.
Trip: All done.
T'Pol: I'm not wearing a top.
Trip: It's not a mistake.
Host: Can we get to the questions already?

Host: T'Pol, is that suit made out of carpet?
T'Pol: If it was, it sucks as a nappy. But the folding is an excellent job...
Trip: Gee, thanks.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: Trip, where did you get that nickname?
Trip: My nephew is an avid marble collector.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: T'Pol, how often do Vulcans mate?
T'Pol: That is an extremely personal question that will be revealed in 100 years time.
Host: Correct. In other words you haven't gotten any.
T'Pol: Pretty much.

Host: Trip, has T'Pol ever mated?
Trip: Nope.
T'Pol: I'm getting a case of deja vu here.
Host: Shut up - it was my favourite bit out of the last Weakest Links so you have to live with it.

Host: T'Pol, why is your belt underneath your breasts rather than at your waist?
T'Pol: I'm not going to answer that because Trip's here.
Host: I'll accept that.

Host: Trip, what's your theory?
Trip: I don't care - she really needs to learn to wear a bra.
Host: Correct.
Trip: Hot damn!

Host: T'Pol, why are the Vulcans treating humans like contestants on Big Brother?
T'Pol: Are you kidding? The merchandise is gonna fund us for goodness knows how long!
Host: Sounds logical.

Host: Trip, what's it like being on Big Brother?
Trip: I thought I was on the Weakest Link! WAH!
Host: Oh damn.

Host: T'Pol, I'm getting sick and tired of this.
T'Pol: Correct.
Host: Okay, I'll accept that.

Host: Trip, if you get this question wrong, T'Pol wins.
Trip: Incorrect.
Host: Sorry, the answer is, "Correct."

Host: T'Pol wins the meaty bite!
T'Pol: I'm a vegetarian - here Trip, have it instead.
Trip: Thanks!
Porthos: It's just not fair.
Host: Hey Trip, if you want to take the way out of this pregnancy the same way you did the last time, we have a talking dog.
Porthos: Ruff ruff.
T'Pol: It's a logical alternative.
Porthos: Bow wow!
Trip: I like it.
Porthos: Aww crap.

Host: And that is why we haven't seen Porthos lately. Goodbye!