Title:  Stir Crazy
Rating: S for STUPID, or PG13 for abnormalicy
Author:  Do I have to tell you?  Nine *embarassed*
Summary:  Archer and crew are very bored and have lost their minds muahahahahahahaaa
Disclaimer:  I don't own this crew and I wish I didn't own this story.  But I do.
Note:  This isn't supposed to be great literature, so flamin' me about it's stupidity will only evoke an agreement. ;)  It was written on the sur of the moment on MSNIM with a friend.  Yippeeeeee.  I wish I was T'Pol. ;)

**

T'Pol  stood there on the bridge, eyeing the humans.  They were acting off today, that was certain.  She couldn't quite put her finger on why, but the site of Reed strolling in with guns packed onto his body caught her attention.  "Lieutenant?" she questioned.

Reed giggled and grabbed a gun, pointing at her and shouting, "BOO!"  T'Pol remained passively unamused.

Frowning, T'Pol sat in the command chair and ignored Malcolm Reed and the other foolishness going on in here.  She was beginning to regret her wedding cancellation.  The ready room door hissed open and Jonathan Archer strolled out, frowning at her sitting in his chair.  "Get up," he said moodily.

T'Pol quickly moved away, not wishing to anger the already volitile captain as he sat and muttered something about 'Vulcan ass germs'.  She tried not to let that bother her. 

Trip Tucker entered the bridge not long after that and bent over, whispering something to Archer.  T'Pol listened intently with her advanced Vulcan hearing, catching wind of a plot to destroy a nearby Vulcan shuttle.  She immediately became as anxious as a Vulcan could.  "Captain?" she questioned.

Archer turned, an evil glint in his eyes.  "Yes, Sub-Commander?" he asked.  She noted the sweat beading on his brow.  His grin was lopsided.

T'Pol pursed her lips and approached.  "Do not presume to believe I will allow you to continue with your plot."  Her eyes grew hard.  Everything she'd come to believe about this man was obviously false and she hated being mistaken.

Archer eyed her as if she were the one acting out of turn.  "What?"  His mind searched hazily.  "Oooh.  You heard me and Trip.  No, he said he wanted to blow the Vulcan's on that ship, not blow up the ship itself."

T'Pol raised an eyebrow at this.  "Blow the Vulcans, Sir?"

Archer grinned sheepishly.  "Never you mind.  Later, T'Pol.  Later."  He winked and T'Pol backed off, heading for a terminal.

T'Pol's eyes narrowed when she read the meaning of Archer's human slang.  "Captain," she said in a displeased tone as she turned back.  "What you proposed a minute ago is illogical."

Ensign Mayweather stood up and grabbed the neck of his uniform, sighing loudly.  "Is it hot in here?" he slurred, looking around at the bridge crew.

"Sit down," Archer growled, looking at T'Pol miffedly.

T'Pol frowned as Tucker snickered at Reed, pointing his guns at Travis and making blow up sounds with his mouth.  "You humans are behaving strangely today," she announced, feeling hot herself.  She shifted uncomfortably.

"Bloody hell, woman!  This is war!" Reed snapped, pointing his phaser at her and making a "pcuuoooo" sound.

T'Pol tightened her fists as the bridge door opened and Porthos strolled in.  This was getting downright weird and Vulcans were never shocked by human boorish behavior.  The dog sniffed Reed and Malcolm shot it.  Archer rose slowly, turning with angry eyes.

"What did you just do?" he growled, staring at the charred spot on the floor.

"Shot that animal," Reed answered, smirking.  "He was bugged.  I saw a damn flea hop off."

T'Pol backed away from the building scene, certain that under the influence of whatever was wrong, Archer would explode.  He didn't.  Staring at the spot on the floor, T'Pol watched as tears filled his dark green eyes and a look of sadness washed over him.  She instantly felt bad for the poor guy.  "Captain?" she asked.

"I'm okay," he replied, blinking and sending tears down his cheeks as he stepped away.  His eyes hardened when he looked at Reed.  "Thank you, Ensign."

"I'm a lieutenant, you ass," Reed mocked as Archer turned sadly and folding his arms.  "Not anymore," was Archer's reply.

T'Pol stepped in front of Archer and looked at his troubled face.  "Would you like to talk about it?" she asked, uncertain as to why she'd care to hear.

Immediately Archer threw himself on her, crying into her neck - a feeling that made her most uncomfortable.  "Took...my....dog...away."

Tucker, fooling with his belly button, leaned against the wall and looked at Reed.  "You just suck, Malcolm.  You ruined the hole mood in here with your little stunt."  Reed preened.

Travis breathed heavily, inching towards Hoshi.  "Do you think it's hot in here?" he asked, not even half aware of the tragedy unfolding in the center of the room.

Hoshi pulled out the spatula she'd been carting around and whapped Travis on the head.  "Getaway," she said quickly, scoffing at him.

"Captain," T'Pol said, holding the captain up as he threatened to collapse in sheer grief.  "Get ahold of yourself."  She frowned at the feeling of his warm body and sighed, petting his back in comfort.  "Please, you are embarassing yourself.  What kind of captain are you?"

"You're right," Archer laughed, his mood immedately skyrocketing as he grabbed her ass tightly.  "Let's have some fun."

Reed pointed his phaser at Archer and made a sound, giggling to himself at some weird outcome to that action that only he saw.  "I'm going to kill you all, you know," he told no one in particular.

Tucker blew a raspberry at Reed and flipped him the bird.  "You are one fucked up little dude," he laughed.

Archer swayed with T'Pol, singing and giggling.  She covered her face in despair, never so afraid in her life.

Reed crouched and Tucker watched as he yanked a knife out of a secret compartment.  "You see this?" he asked the air beside him, eyeing Travis.  "I'm gonna place it between his eyes."  He hissed in a satisfaction that could only come from oragasm and headed down to where Travis stood, holding his head.

Tucker thought about warning Travis of the upcoming danger, then snorted, rubbing at his belly again.  "Fuck yooou, Travis," he said, waving good-bye.

Travis screeched as Reed hopped over a console and stabbed at the air beside him, laughing madly and shouting, "YES!"  Shivering, Travis stood there as the onslaught continued.

Captain Archer watched in hazy interest as Reed made a complete ass of himself.  What he saw frightened him and he hauled T'Pol away from the danger.  "Reeeeeed?" he asked, watching the man attack nothing.

T'Pol disengaged the captain's hold on her behind and blinked, her opinion of humanity greatly changed.  "Captain, I don't understand what's happening."

Travis, squealing and sobbing, looked at Tucker and begged, "Pleeeeaaase somebodyhelpme!"

Reed straightened and leaned back, hefting a large laugh and clutching the knife into the air.  "I'm going to kill Sato next, you bastard," he said, looking at the floor.

Travis sank to the floor and whimpered, clutching his knees to his chest and looking at Reed in fear.  "Captain, saaaave me."

"Bite me," Archer said, gripping T'Pol's behind again and muttering something about Ready Room Romp.  T'Pol, her brain fuzzy, smiled and nodded, retreating with Archer.

Reed twirled around as Archer and T'Pol left, holding his knife out and laughing, saying, "Anyone in the waaaay gets it!"

Phlox then appeared and said, "I think I know what's been bothering the crew.  Stir craziness."  He smiled and held up a game.  "Naked charades anyone?"