Title:  Drinking Not Gooood
Rated:  PG13 maybe, but some of the humor in here is weird, so R
Author:  Nine - ninthsaturn@yahoo.com
Summary:  A very bored ensign is "entertained" by a very drunk Archer, Tucker and Reed.
Disclaimer:  No infringement intended.
Note:  Yes, I strike again with an MSNchat monstrousity.  This one is a bit better than the last, but it's a Mary Sue.  :-P  So deal ;-)  Muahaha..er, no, it's not as bad as it sounds.  Actually, it's a Mary Sue that pokes more fun at me than elevates me to Godhood, so when you read her, think maybe Cordelia on Buffy:tVS  :-D
Also Note:  I come from a group of Anti-Mayweather people...and it shows.  :-D

Also Also Note:  This story has been altered and toned down.  :-D
Also Also Also Note:  For those of you who haven't read the above INFORMATION HEADER: This story is a PARODY.  Not meant to be earth shattering literature.  ;-D  ANGEL happens to be my real name, thankyouallverymuch.  I like it, okay?  That is all. (friendly wink)
*

Left to her own devices, Angel sat boredly in the mess hall and licked her lips.  She needed action, fun, excitement and a good screw.  But who?  Her eyes slid to Malcolm Reed who laughed in a corner with a friend.

Malcolm was sexy and sweet.  Was it him?  Swallowing, she let her eyes travel to Trip Tucker at Reed's side.  He could provide a little adventure.

Angel's eyes flitted across the crowded room and onto Travis and she shuddered.  Definately not.

Boredly groaning, Angel bit her lip and looked at Phlox.  Alien sex?  Maaaaybe later.

Leaning back in her chair and drinking the spiked punch that someone had provided, she rested her eyes on her captain.  He had possibilites, very true.  She just couldn't make her mind up and it was frustrating.

Standing up, she hovered between the many directions she was faced with.  She didn't have to choose, however.  "Hello, Ensign," Trip said, clapping Reed on the shoulder and leading him over.  "You wanna play some poker with me and Malcolm?  This party is dead."

Angel growled at the idea of playing cards, but hell, it was better than sitting here like a fool.  "Fine," she agreed reluctantly. 

"Right," Reed said, looking around.  "Player number four..."

Angel brightened, an idea springing to mind.  "Let's ask Captain Archer," she said, pointing to where he stood.  Trip looked at her and nodded.  "Tell him to bring some punch," she whispered, waving the Engineer off.

Trip sauntered up to his long time friend and smiled largely.  "Hey, Jon," he said conspiringly.  "Y'wanna go play some poker with me an' Reed and Ensign Angel?"

Captain Archer shrugged to Trip.  "I guess.  I mean I should be here, but..." 

Trip chuckled.  "Come on, Jonathan.  This party is over.  Let's go to your place since you have the biggest quarters, Mr. I'm So Captainy."  Trip hiccuped, unaware of the alcohol in the punch he drank.  "Bring some of that," he said, motioning to the punch bowl.

Jonathan grumbled to himself, leaning over the large bowl and picking it up.  How he was gonna lug this, he didn't know.  Still, this party was about done, so he grabbed it up and hauled it out with him, leading the other three to his quarters.

A short time later Angel crossed her arms, standing impatiently as Archer fooled with the door, spilling punch everywhere.  "Would you help him?!?" she asked frustratedly at Trip and Malcolm.  Both shrugged and went to take the punch from Archer, both jerking the punch and spilling it all over their captain. 

"Well, shit," Trip said softly, tossing the bowl down.

Archer looked very unamused at all of this, glaring at both officers as the cold punch soaked the front of his pants.  "Thank you," he mocked, opening his quarters. 

"You'd better have some beer in there," Angel warned, her black eyes twinkling with irritation.

"Angel, you'd better watch it.  I'm the captain," he growled, staring her down. 

Angel widened her eyes and stuck her chest out, saying in as breathy a voice as she could muster, "Ooo.  Why Captain, what are you gonna dooooo?"

Reed snickered at that and pointed to his captain.  "She showed you."  Crossing his arms, he raised his chin and waited for Archer to respond. 

Archer raised his hand to slap his security officer, then hiccuped softly.  "Shushup," he slurred.

Trip scratched his head at everything going on.  "Mm," he mumbled.  "Somethin' weird's goin' on."  He swallowed and looked around, decidedly freaked out by the wrongness he couldn't put his finger on.

Malcolm broke into more giggles and said, "That's what your parents said while conceiving I'll wager."

Trip frowned at Reed and said, "Y'wanna take this outsiiide, you little creep?" 

Malcolm widened his eyes and preened slightly.  "You redneck bastard, how dare you?" 

Trip sneered and yawned.  "English muffin," he slurred tiredly.

"All right," Archer growled, arms spread.  "Shuddup!  Alla you!  Getting on my nerves."

Angel stalked to the refrigerator and yanked the door open, sending a slew of magnets crashing to the floor.  Finding the nearest bottle she could, she quickly snatched it out and uncapped it, needing to drink.  She looked in disgust at the other three.

Archer flopped down on the floor and looked up expectantly.  "Well!?" he boomed, wringing his hands impatiently. 

"Well, what?" Trip replied calmly, biting a nail and looking around.  "Your quarters are big, you big jerk."  Archer snorted and grabbed a pillow from his couch.

Reed sighed and went through his pockets.  "I think Captain Bowman wants to play cards," he suggested, frustrated at not finding any on his person.

Trip frowned at that and sighed.  "Mmoh yeah.  S'what we're here for."  He felt around his pockets and came up empty.

Captain Archer got to his feet.  "A mission," he mumbled, furrowing his brow.  Suddenly his eyes became alight.  "A MISSION!  Break out the guns, Mallie, we need to kidnap us some cards!"

Reed snickered at his captain, falling back into a chair and pointing.  "You are such a retard, Jonny."

Archer pouted.  "Mmnot a retard.  But we need cards!   Whatter we gonna do?"  He hiccuped and looked around.

The pitter patter of little feet could be heard and before long a 5th crew member, albeit a small one, joined the horrah.  "Porthos!" Trip exclaimed, pointing at the dog, his eyes brilliant.  "Yesssssss!  I have it!"

Archer frowned at his Engineer and crossed his arms in annoyance.  "Whaddayou meaaaan all screaming "PORTHOS!" like he's choking or something?"

"Nooo.  No no," Trip retorted, crouching and drawing the dog near.  "We tie a note to Porthos and send him out to get cards.  Gimmie a pen!"  Trip giggled at the animal as he lifted him up.  Reed's eyes sparkled as he supplied a paper.

Archer groaned and rubbed his head.  "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard, Mr. Genius."

"Shush, you knave," Trip answered to that, flattening a paper to the dog's back and shaking the pen for ink.  When the note was composed, he stuffed it under the dog's collar and said, "Lessgo, Porthos."

Reed smiled, all too happy to comply and headed towards the door.  When it hissed open, Trip shoved the dog out, saying drunkenly, "Good luck, M'boy.  Does me right proud."  He giggled at Reed and yelled, "Yor the brightest and besta Starfleet, Porthy."

"Don't call my dog Dorthy, you freak," Archer said, standing and peeking out the door.  "Think it'll work?"

Trip scratched his cheek and shrugged, mumbling, "mmMMmm," and heading back into the quarters.

Reed smiled evilly at his captain and rubbed his hands together.  "I'll bet he falls down a turbolift shaft and SPLATS!"  Malcolm laughed and pointed in his captain's face.

Archer, hands on hips, looked Reed over and belched, blowing the winds into Reed's face.  "Shuddup."

"All right!" Angel screamed, pushed over her limit.  She grabbed a cow oven mit and hurled it at Archer for burping.  "You men are just stupid!  Does the phrase DRUNKEN SEX mean anything to anyone besides me?  Geez!"

The three men gaped at the angered ensign as she stood, breathing labored, glaring at them.  "Drunken sex?" Trip said, scratching his head.  "Hmmmm."  He stuck his tongue out the corner of his mouth in thought.

Reed bit his lip.  "What does it mean?"

Archer sat down, hurt by the mit that had slapped his cheek.  "I just try, you know.  I try to be a good captain and what do I get?  Grief.  And a flying cow oven mit slapping me in the head."  He stuck his tongue out at Angel.

"Aaaaw," Trip said, sitting beside his captain and petting his shoulder.  "It's okay, Jonathan.  Me an' Mallie here, we think you're a good cap'n."

Reed smiled, pulling a phase pistol from his back pocket.  "Want me to shoot her, Jon?  I'd do it.  I'd enjoy doing it."  He stared at the volitile girl with a dangerous glint in his eyes.

Angel crossed her arms and glared at the three of them.  Muttering darkly, she said, "Idiots.  All three of you.  Put the pistol down, Reed.  You aren't gonna shoot anyone."

Jonathan swallowed and said, "Don't shoot 'er, Mal.  We needa do something though.  Can't let her get away with disrespect.  She's been mean to all three of us."  

"Hellooo?" Angel yelled, shaking her arms.  "Does the phrase "Sexual Punishment" mean ANYTHING to you people?!"  Crossing her arms, she watched and waited for her words to slowly sink in.

Trip scratched his head and looked to his captain.  "Sexual punishment?  Whassit mean?"

Archer frowned and shrugged, looking at Angel speculatively.  "mmMMmm."

Reed pressed forward, his knuckles white with restraint of shooting her.  "I say we blast the hell out of her, ask questions later."  He fingered the trigger meaningfully and made a "pcccuuuooo" sound.

"Mmno," Archer said, thinking hard on it.  He nodded to himself and looked up.  "I think I get it.  She wants sexual punishment.  That's what she's trying to tell us.  Angel, you want sexual punishment?"

Angel grit her teeth and looked up, pondering how to answer.  "Captain," she said coyly, "I'm sorry for how I've been acting.  You've been kind, all of you.  I simply won't feel right until you've punished me.  Sexually that is."  She watched them for any stupidity.

"Okay," Trip suddenly said, looking at the floor and nodding slowly.  "I think I'm understanding, Sir."

"She wants to be punished!" Reed gushed in delight.  "Sexually.  Well, there's only one way we could properly do that."  Malcolm felt around and produced some cuffs.  "Hold your hands out, Angel," he ordered all businesslike.

Angel rolled her eyes and thrust her hands out, muttering, "Finally.  What's it take for a girl to get anything around here anyhow?"  She jumped when the cuffs clinked shut and smiled.

Malcolm pulled her over to the other two, announcing, "She's ready." 

Trip frowned, looking at her.  "No, she's not.  Something...something isn't right."  He reached out to touch her stomach, but hesitated.

Angel widened her eyes sarcastically and spat, "You aren't right, Trip."

Reed smiled at Trip despite himself and looked to Archer.  He pushed Angel closer.  "Captain?  Are you ready to punish her?  Sexually I mean?"

Archer grinned, standing and leaning into Angel, his hot breath hitting her face as he looked her over.  "Mmmyeah," he breathed, rubbing her shoulder.  "Call Travis."

Angel jerked at the hold Reed had on her cuffs and cried, "No!  Please, Captain!  Don't call Travis.  Pleeeaaase."

Trip sighed and stepped over to the comm, pressing it on.  "Tucker to Mayweather.  Report to Captain's quarters, state.  Or stat.  Sorry.  Tucker out."

Angel cursed when Reed tossed her onto Archer's bed and sat beside her, holding her cuffed hands.  "It's okay, Angel.  It'll all be over soon."

Angel ripped at his iron grip and kicked Archer's ass, as he'd backed too closely to her, watching for Mayweather.  He fell unceremoniously onto the floor and slurred, "Heeeey," looking angrilly at Reed.  "Whattayamean, kicking meee?"

Suddenly the door hissed open and in came a grinning horror likened to nothing she'd ever before witnessed.  "Hello, Angel," he said in an all too gleeful voice, approaching.

"Hooooold stilllll," Reed exclaimed, smiling happily.

Angel looked from the smiling Reed, to the sad-he-had-to-order-this Archer, to the confused appearing Trip who said, "Now what?"

Archer scratched his head and spread his hands.  "mmMMmm."

Reed licked his lips, a strange patience in his eyes.  "Travis, you do know how to have sex, don't you?"

Mayweather smiled innocently and said, "Sex?"

"Oohmmagod," Trip groaned, shaking his head.  "How is this sex punishment supposed to work like this?"

Angel blinked, looking at the four of them, annoyed that they weren't any smarter than this.  She'd had such high opinions earlier.  Strange how things changed.

Archer neared Travis and cupped his hands, whispering loudly, "Take your phaser and stuff it in her holster."

Mayweather shook his head, still grinning, and pulled his phase pistol.  Looking Angel over, he looked to his captain, his big brown eyes twinkling.  "She doesn't have a holster, Sir."

Trip giggled and whispered to Angel, "Funny.  Rumor has it that Malcolm doesn't have a phaser."  He snickered at his joke, then looked innocently at Malcolm Reed's glare.

Angel pouted and looked to Tucker, pleading in her black eyes.  "I can't believe you're going to let Mayweather do this when you three are perfectly able men," she huffed.

Tucker sighed and pet her hair back.  "You asked for it, Angel.  What could be more punishing than Travis?  Just think of the queen."

"Queeeeen?" Angel hissed, glaring at Tucker.  "You...you!  Your little torture instrument can't even perform!"

Mayweather shook his head confusedly and said, "On the contrary, Ensign, while out in space I've learned lots about performing.  I can do a mean Lady Macbeth if you'd like.  Or sing, and I can even twirl batons."

"Batons," Angel scoffed, glaring at Archer.  "He doesn't know anything about sex, you jerk.  Guess it's not gonna work!"

Archer crossed his arms and looked at her.  "I've had enough lip, young lady.  Travis, begin the sexual punishment!"  He pointed down at Angel.

Travis furrowed his brow and looked at his captain.  "Sexual punishment?"

Trip rolled his eyes and slumped.  Using his hands as he spoke, he tried to explain in terms he thought the ensign might get.  "Travie, you have this area on your body, okay.  When you get real happy it kinda grows, gets harder and sorta stands up."

Travis looked around nervously.  "I do?!"

Trip rubbed his forehead in frustration and looked at Reed.  "You wanna try and explain it?" 

Reed shrugged and said, "Hold her."  Tucker held Angel's arms back while Reed got up.

Malcolm drew Mayweather aside and everyone watched as he whispered in unhearable tones to the ensign.  Mayweather's eyes widened slowly and he began blushing furiously as Reed explained and pointed to the bed.  "I dunno," Mayweather said dubiously, eyeing Angel.

Angel snickered as Travis edged towards her, looking scared.  "Geek!" she called him.  

Angel frowned as Travis climbed onto the bed saying, "This is my first time, Angel.  It'll always be special to me.  Maybe someday you'll feel that way too."  He gripped his zipper and started pulling.

Widening her eyes and feeling a little grossed out, Angel blacked out...

...Angel was slow to stir, but the dream she'd had...she certainly hoped it had been only an evil evil nightmare, was intense.  She froze, realizing her arms were above her head.  But the pressure of Trip's grasp was gone, so she brought her hands down to her chest and sat up.  She stared in grossed out horror at the site that greeted her.

Mayweather was naked on her and Angel rolled her eyes, thinking she'd slept with the idiot.  "Oh my God," she growled, looking around in annoyance.  Reed was asleep on her right, Archer on her left and Trip sat up, sleeping sounding against the wall.

It wasn't under she spotted the wet spot on Archer's bed that she saw her clothed leg and realized she was still in uniform.  Immediately she brightened.  Mayweather didn't punish her!  The jerks had forgotten to remove her uniform!  "Idiots," Angel sneered, smacking her captain, who woke suddenly. 

"Mmm?" he mumbled.  Archer sat up drowsily and looked down at Mayweather's naked body.  "Oh gross," he breathed, rubbing his aching head.  "What's that wet spot on my sheets?"

Angel smiled and said pleasantly, "Oh, I dunno, Captain but it's a good thing you three freaks forgot to undress me." 

Archer stared in horror at the spot, muttering, "Ah-huh."

Trip snorted awake and looked around, then at naked Travis.  Wrinkling his nose, he said, "Who was the unlucky girl?"

Angel kicked at Trip and said, "You, you jerk!"  Trip's eyes widened and he immediately sat more firmly, looking over his shoulder.

"She's lying," Archer breathed as Reed woke up, licking his lips and yawning. 

"What's going on....oh yuck," he said, backing away from the naked Mayweather.  "Well, that's not a pretty site."

Angel slit her eyes and smacked at Reed's arm hard, hissing, "Neither are you, you jackass."

Archer tore his eyes from his sheets and stood.  Sighing, he softly began, "Angel, I know you're angry with us.  What we did wasn't exactly what you had in mind, huh?  We're all very sorry."

Reed nodded his agreement, smacking Trip's arm to get him to agree.  "What can we do to make this up to you?" Tucker asked.

Angel smiled devilishly and batted her eyes.  "Does the phrase 'sexual punishment' mean anything to you three?"  She winked and held her cuffed hands out. 

The three men gaped at her, then exchanged glances.  Trip was the first to break the silence with, "Huh?"

The End.  Thank God.