Pineapples and Gin Title: Pineapples and Gin
Author: Jesse
Contact: chartreux@hotmail.com
Rated: R
Summary: The crew gets drunk. Parody.
Author's Notes: This was written over an MSN chat, and yes, I got bored with it at the end. It's for fun only, so don't take anything I wrote too seriously. ;)
Spoilers: Tiny spoiler for "Breaking the Ice".
Disclaimer: This sucks so bad, I don't even think I need a disclaimer. But just so I don't get sued - they aren't mine. :)


*

Mayweather gleefully poured the gin into the punch bowl. "That's whack, man!" he said, chugging the bottle. He walked away, teetering on unconsciousness.

Archer grabbed a glass and poured himself some punch. Taking a sip, he thought about the taste. "Mmmm...pineapples," he said, not knowing that he would soon be too drunk to stand.

"That's good shit," said Reed, joining Archer for a drink. "Tastes like the good'ol English punch we had back in...uh, England." He swallowed a mouthful of the drink.

"Try some of this, T'Pol," said Archer, jutting a glass into the Vulcan's face. "That's an order!" The Captain and Reed giggled like schoolgirlies.

T'Pol clenched her jaw and sipped the beverage. "Happy?" she asked. But the Captain was too distracted by a shiny object to even notice she said anything.

Commander Tucker sauntered up to the group. "Reed, I'm tired of you leaving your damn bombs everywhere! I just sat on one over there, thinkin' it was a blasted chair!" He grabbed a glass of punch and swallowed it quick.

"You sat on my bomb?" said Reed, souring his face. "You better not've broke it!"

"I'll break it if I want to break it!" mocked Tucker, drinking some more. "I don't need your snotty attitude!" He made a face at a glowering Reed and turned away, noticing T'Pol staring at him. "Hey baby," he said, smiling smarmily, "How you doin'?"

T'Pol sipped her drink. "I'm fine," she said, raising an eyebrow.

Tucker was about to say something when there was a loud screech from the centre of the room. Everyone, including Archer, turned to see Hoshi run across the room and hide behind a surprised Phlox. Mayweather came galloping after her, shirtless and shoeless. "YeeeHaw!" he yelled, grinning like a madman. "Come on, baby, let's get it ON!"

Archer curled his lip up. "Ew," he said, staring at the scene.

"Fucking idiot," mumbled Reed, "I should've killed him on that comet when I had the chance."

T'Pol turned to look at Reed, and caught sight of Tucker staring at her again. "Commander," she said. He raised his eyes to hers, and blinked hazily.

"Huh?" said Trip, sipping his drink extra slowly. He smiled at her unamused stare. "Is it hot in here?" he asked, flashing her a grin. "My quarters' are air-conditioned. Wanna join me for a cold one?" He nudged her arm, spilling some of his punch on the floor.

Archer made a gagging sound and walked over to where Mayweather was terrorizing Hoshi. "Ensign, uh," he paused, his mind drawing its usual blank, "Ensign! Stop embarrassing yourself! That's an order!"

Hoshi loosened her grip on Phlox. "He's crazy, Captain!" she wailed. "He kept screaming about the horizontal boogie! What does it mean?" She stifled a sob.

Mayweather stared at Hoshi and then at the Captain. "Man, that's bogus! Take a chill pill!", he said, annoyed. Then he noticed the glassy expression in Archer's eyes. "Boy, you're schnockered!

"Am not," said Archer, displeased. He frowned and stalked away.

"Hoshi, you da bomb, baby!" squealed Mayweather, looking the ensign up and down. Hoshi glared.

Reed was immediately at their sides. "Bomb? Did I hear 'bomb'?"

"Malcolm!" he grinned, slapping him on the arm, "Take a look at the booty on that bitch!" He widened his eyes and stared at Hoshi as she scurried away. Reed looked at Travis with annoyance.

Phlox turned to look at Hoshi, then looked back at Travis. "Booty?" he asked, curious.

Reed walked away, not wanting any part of this weirdness. Mayweather grinned even wider. "You got some learnin' to do, homey," he said, draping his arm around Phlox. "With my help, you'll be a mack daddy in NO time!"

Malcolm walked up to Archer, who was staring at a wall. "Where'd that southern hick go off to?" he asked, snorting into his drink.

The Captain shrugged, not turning his eyes from what was mesmerizing him. "I think he left with the Vulcan," he mumbled. Reed stuck out his tongue in a mock gagging reflex and walked away, bored by Archer and the rest of the friggin' party.

*

THE END