Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, I'm just expressing myself.

When you first came on board, weapons drawn, I stepped in front of you, I stared you down. Even then, so early, you allowed my lead.

You became my Commander and my friend. We became leaders to our combined crews.

You stood by my side, a strong presence, a shoulder for me to lean on - even if only figuratively.

Then, a shifting...

I started to count on you, for far more than protocol would have allowed. I needed you.

Where are you? I need you here now, to reassure me, to tell me I made the best decision I could have, to tell me that I didn't kill a man, but that I saved two. I go back to my quarters to cry, alone, where no one will know, not even you.

We were stranded, together, alone. I couldn't give up, I couldn't accept. You did so easily. You made me want the things you wanted, you made me want to just let go, to give in - a life together. I would have. Oh God, I would have. How you tempted me - I yearned.

Our rescue stopped our momentum. I often wonder what would have happened if we were never rescued... or if we had had more time before being rescued. But, then again, I know what would have happened. The memory of your hands on my shoulders, gently rubbing, makes me weak. I wish we had more time then so that fantasy now could be based on reality.

Our journey continues. I turn to you often to seek your opinion, to get your advice. I can usually decipher your thoughts with a glance, a meeting of the eyes. We express so much to one another, words often not even needed. You call me Kathryn. But, we only go so far.

The crew saw what it could have been, alien species saw, even Q saw 'Chuckles'.

You never came right out and told me. Whenever we came to close, you pulled back, I pulled back, there was someone else, or the crew's safety was at stake. Maybe I thought we would someday get there, together.

I go back to my quarters, alone. I lay awake half the nights, worried, wondering how... how can I get this crew safely home? ... how can I be with the man I've grown to love?

Where are you? Why don't you know how much I need you to take that step closer, to force me to open my eyes and see? I can't do it alone - your innuendo is not enough. I need the words to know.

I'm all alone. You told me I wasn't. I sometimes allowed myself to believe.

I agonize, I plot and plan, all for our safety. My whole life dedicated to our safety, our survival, our lives. I share my decision. You turn against me, you turn away.

Where are you when I need you, when I need to be comforted, when I need reassurance? Too many times you turned away. Too many times you were not there to watch over me. Too many times you walked away, even when I wanted you to.

You hurt me. I wonder if you realize how much. A part of me has shut down, it needed to so I could be with you and not expect so much more.

It was still there. Even now, there's something there. I try to tell myself it isn't and I know you do too. But then, our eyes will meet, a spark ignites. It's unexpected, memories and suppressed needs emerge once again.

And now you're with her - the final straw.

I'll value your friendship always, but we could have had so much more.

It didn't have to be this way.

THE END