I Don’t Know
It was another ordinary day out in the Delta Quadrant, well, almost ordinary. It was the day before Valentine's Day and while one person in particular was seething, the other was planning a party. Everyone was exited about the party and Valentine's Day in general. Everyone that is, except the fiery half-klingon on board the ship.
"Ok, now what exactly is the purpose of Valentine's Day Captain?” asked Neelix with a perplexed look on his face.
"Neelix, if you didn't know what it was, why do you want to throw a party?"
"For one simple reason, a chance to party!"
Janeway shook her head in amusement. "Leave it to you, to do something like this."
"Well, Captain, how else are we supposed to keep crew morale up?"
"And you always use that excuse." Janeway sighed in defeat. "Ok, what do you want to know?"
"I knew you would see it my way."
"Do I really have a choice?"
"Well you are the Captain..." Seeing the look she was giving him, he decided to just ask his questions and get out of her hair. “Ok first of all, why is this day celebrated so much? I mean, what is it for?"
The Captain thought a minute on how to answer it. "Well, it is a day to show how much you love a special someone in your life."
"But shouldn't you do that year round?"
"You are absolutely correct Neelix. That is the way it should be, and a lot of people do that. I mean, look at Lieutenants Paris and Torres. He is doing things for her all the time. I guess this is just an extra special day to tell someone you love them and you care."
"Oh, I see. "Neelix got a befuddled look on his face. "So why are the colors red, pink, and white?"
"I am not really positive on that. It has been that way as long as I can remember. You might want to ask Mr. Paris. He is somewhat of an enthusiast on Terran Holidays."
"Thanks, Captain, I will ask him about it."
"Anytime Neelix, now, I really have to be going. See you later and I look forward to your party."
And with that, she left the mess hall almost running into Tom on her way to the bridge. Tom continued on his way to the lunch trays. He saw Neelix coming towards him and groaned.
"Ah, Tom, just the person I was looking for. Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure Neelix, what can I do for you?” said Tom as he and Neelix sat down at a table.
"Well, I have a few questions on Valentine's Day that you may be able to answer."
"I will do my best. Now, what do you need to know?"
"Well I am throwing a party tomorrow night for it and I am not completely sure on what the holiday means."
"Let me get this straight, you are throwing a party for a holiday you know nothing about?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Neelix, I will never figure you out. Anyway what do you want to know?"
"Well, why do we celebrate it?"
"Well if I remember correctly it goes back over 2000 years to a man named St. Valentine. He did something or another and that is all I know."
"Why do we use the colors red, white, and pink?"
Tom thought about it for a minute. "As far as I know, each color means something. Red means passion, white means true love, and I think pink means forgiveness."
"Ok, I have one more question for you."
"Shoot."
"Who is the flying man with arrows and why is he so important?"
"His name is Cupid. He shoots his arrows at people and it makes them fall in love."
"Thanks Tom, you were really helpful."
"No problem. By the way, when is this party of yours?"
"Oh, tomorrow night. It starts at 2100 and goes until whenever it’s over."
"Ok thanks. I will see you there. Glad I could be of some help."
Tom got up from the table. "I need to go talk to B'Elanna before my lunch break is over, so I will talk to you later." He headed out and towards Main Engineering.
When he got there he didn’t see the love of his life. He grabbed the nearest engineer. "Hey, where is Lieutenant Torres?"
The engineer averted her eyes. “Uh, well, she got mad when Ensign Vorik turned in a report 2 min late. She yelled at all of us about how useless we are and then stormed out.”
“Hmm, I wonder what is wrong with her now.” He left without saying goodbye to anyone. “Computer, what is the location of Lieutenant Torres?”
“Lieutenant Torres is in her quarters,” the computer quipped.
Tom headed for the nearest turbo lift and gave his destination. What did I do now? Tom thought back to the last couple of days and what he could have done. He was so busy thinking he didn’t realize the lift had stopped until an Ensign spoke up.
“Uh, sir? Isn’t this your stop?”
“What? Oh, yes thank you Ensign.”
Tom got off the turbo lift and headed for B’Elanna’s quarters. As he inched closer, he could hear glass shattering. “Uh oh, I must be in big trouble.” He pushed the door chime and waited.
“Whoever is out there, go away unless you have a death wish!”
Tom pushed in B’Elanna’s authorization code. “Well then, I guess I have a death wish because I am not leaving until I find out what is wrong.”
“Well, you will be her a while then cause I am not going to talk about it.”
“Janeway to Paris”
Tom fumed. Why did she always have such bad timing? “Yes, Captain?”
“Mr. Paris, is there a reason why you are 5 min late from your lunch break?”
“Sorry Captain, I will be right there. Paris out, turning towards B’Elanna, he started again. “I’ll be back later, so stay here!”
“You can’t tell me what to do,” she said heading for the bathroom.
Tom blocked her path. “Please, B’Elanna, can we just talk later? I want to help.”
“I’ll think about it. Now you better get going before you are any later.”
Tom gave her a smile and walked out the door to the bridge.
* * *
The rest of the day seemed to drag along for Tom. He just wanted to get off duty to find out what was wrong with his Bella. When 1800 finally came around, He quickly updated Ayala on anything that happened during his shift. When he was done, he quickly exited the bridge and headed for B’Elanna’s quarters. When he got there, he pushed in her authorization codes. He entered her quarters and looked around. Her place was a complete mess. Her glass table was shattered and there were little spots of blood on the glass. Clothes and uniforms were strewn all over the place and the couch and chair were overturned. But there was no sign of B’Elanna. He went into the sleeping area and saw her curled up in the fetal position and asleep. She was holding a picture of her father and it looked as if she had cried herself to sleep. He decided to let her sleep while he cleaned up her quarters some.
After an hour of work, he was done and B’Elanna still wasn’t awake. He went into her washroom to clean up. He saw that the mirror was shattered and there was the pinkish blood of a half klingon on the floor. He started to clean it up when he heard rustling in the sleeping area. He went to check it out and saw that B’Elanna was waking up.
He went over to her. “Hey,” he said so softly it was barely audible.
“Hi,” B’Elanna said just as softly.
Then he noticed her hands. They were cut and completely covered in blood.
She saw him looking at her hands. She looked down, not able to look him in the eye. “The mirror and I had a little disagreement.”
Tom took her hands in her and pulled her to the washroom. He cleaned up around the cuts and then went and grabbed a dermal regenerator. He ran it over her hands until the cuts were gone.
“Now can you talk about what is wrong?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well why don’t we start at the beginning? First off, why are your engineers all terrified of you right now?”
“I guess I did over react a little bit. I’ll have to apologize to Vorik for that.”
“So what is wrong?”
“Well, to put it plainly, I guess it is just this whole Valentine’s Day thing.”
“Why don’t you like Valentine’s Day,” asked Tom questioningly.
“Think about it Tom. Have I ever had a reason to celebrate it? I have never had anyone love me, not even my parents. You know about the men I’ve been with and what they were after. Bottom line, I don’t like seeing everyone so happy and in love when love is something I have never had from anyone in my life.”
Tom looked her directly in the eye, looking about ready to cry. “B’Elanna, you know how I feel about you. I’ve told you be-“
B’Elanna shook her head. “No, you haven’t.”
“Wow, I thought I really had,” Tom said looking like someone just told him his best friend had died. He started for her door.
“Tom, don’t go…”
But Tom was already out the door.
B’Elanna let a single tear roll down her cheek as she went into her sleeping area. She lay down on her bed and started to cry. Now I have lost the one thing in my life that matters to me. She eventually cried herself to sleep for the night.
Meanwhile, back at Tom’s quarters, he was far from sleep. How could I not let her know how I feel about her? I show her all the time. He then realized what she said about never being loved. She needs me to tell her I love her. Why haven’t I ever done that before? I know why. Because my father didn’t stand for people being soft. He never said he loved mother. She just knew.
With that, Tom set to work on a plan to turn B’Elanna’s Valentine’s Day around.
* * *
B’Elanna woke up at 0600 the next morning. “Great, just the day I’ve been waiting for,” she said sarcastically. She started to get ready for her day. Then she noticed a pink rose on her new table. She knew right away who had sent it. She went over and picked it up. She saw a note with it and read it.
To my little Bella,
Pink roses mean forgiveness. I hope you can forgive me enough to go to the party tonight. If it is a yes, then meet me at my quarters at 2130. It won’t be worth going if you aren’t there.
Tom
B’Elanna thought about it but didn’t know if she wanted to go and see all of those happy people. She finished getting ready and headed for the bridge for the morning briefing,
She was the last one there and when she reached her seat there was a yellow rose with another note there. She moved it aside and sat down, then noticed everyone was looking at her.
“Well, good morning everyone,” Captain Janeway said, smiling knowingly. “I’d like to start by saying Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone,” giving a small smile in Chakotay’s direction. “Lieutenant Torres, how are things going in engineering?”
“Engines are at 92% efficiency.”
“Well Lieutenant, I would like to have that up to at least 95% tonight.”
“Yes, Captain.”
“Oh, and Lieutenant, try and be a little nicer to your engineers today. Moving on, we are going to be coming into contact with a planet soon, so we may be getting shore leave. Is there any other news to report?” When everyone was silent, she took that as a no and continued. “Well then, I would like to see you all at the party tonight, although it is not mandatory. Dismissed”
Everyone got up to leave and headed out. B’Elanna headed for the turbo lift, but not before flashing Tom a hint of a smile.
When she got to the lift, she gave her destination and pulled out the note.
B’Elanna
The yellow rose means friendship. Your friendship means everything in the world to me. I am grateful I had the chance to be your friend and now more. Have a good day and be nice to your staff.
Tom
B’Elanna smiled. She might have a better day than she thought. She arrived at engineering and the first thing she did was pulled Vorik aside and apologized.
For the rest of the day she was saying sorry to the engineers that had endured her wrath yesterday. When she got back to her quarters, she saw another rose. This one was red. She could only guess what this one meant. She went over and picked up the rose and note.
Bella,
You are probably getting sick of these notes. This red rose means passion.
You have no idea how much passion I hold for you in my heart. Remember, 2130. I will be waiting.
Tom
B’Elanna still didn’t know whether or not she was going. Just then she heard her door chime. She went to answer it and saw that it was Harry. “Hey Starfleet, what are you doing here?” You should be getting ready for the party, shouldn’t you?”
“Yeah, I just stopped by to see if you are going. Also, Tom wanted to know if you were.”
“I’m not sure if I am going or not, least of all with Tom.”
“Why is that,” Harry asked questioningly.
“Cause I think I made Tom mad at me. I told him he has never actually said ‘I love you’. The he just walked out.”
“B’Elanna, you have it all wrong. I talked to Tom just now. He is upset, yes, but not with you. He is upset with himself for never saying he loves you. Surely you know he loves you don’t you?”
“Of course I do. It is in his eyes when he looks at me. It’s in his touch, the way he makes love to me…” Seeing the sly grin on Harry’s face, she realized what she said. “Not that you needed to know that last part. There are just so many things he does to show me. I don’t know why I said that to him.
“Because everyone likes to be reassured verbally once and a while. Especially insecure people like you. No offense.”
“None taken. I know exactly how insecure I can be.”
“So are you coming or not? He wants me to let him know,” Harry said impatiently.
“Tell him I will meet him at his quarters at 2130 like he said.”
“Good for you, Maquis. I will tell him.” Harry left with a mysterious smile.
Now what was that about? What are they up to? Well there is only one way to find out.
With that she went into her bathroom. First she took a sonic shower. When she got out, she went to her clothing closet to find a dress to wear. She went through everything and none of them seemed right. She went to the replicator to find a new dress. Now let’s see what I can find in here. She spent the next 20 min looking for a dress but none of them were quite right. Either they were too short, too long, not the right color, or not the right design. She went through 2 more before she stopped. Now this one isn’t bad.
It was dark Christmas red, silk, and about 2 inches above the knees. It was spaghetti straps and dad a neck line that was half way between her neck and her breasts.
“This is perfect! Now to find some shoes.”
That didn’t take her long. She soon found a pair of black velvet shoes. They were close-toed and there were 4 straps crossing over each other over the top of her foot.
Well here is the outfit, now the hair. She went to the bathroom and thought for a minute. She decided on a French twist with a few strands curled to frame her face. She put on the dress and shoes then looked at herself in the mirror.
“Perfect.” And with that, she left for Tom’s quarters.
When she got there she rang his door chime. Tom answered right away.
“I am glad you decided to come. You look lovely B’Elanna.”
“Thank you, Tom. May I come in or are you going to make me stand out here all night.”
“You know that is the first time you accepted a compliment without putting up a fight?” Tom said while moving out of the way so she could come in. “I could get used to that.”
“Yeah, well, I have to start somewhere don’t I?”
B’Elanna went inside. “So are you ready?”
“I just have to do one thing,” he said mysteriously. He went in the bedroom, stayed there a minute, and then came back out with his hand behind his back. “I have something for you.”
“With that he pulled out yet another rose from behind his back. “This one is white and it is the last one, I promise.”
“I don’t mind them. In fact, I think they are rather sweet. Now what does this one mean?”
“This is the best one of all. It means true love, which is what I think we have, a love that will never die, no matter what we go through.”
“Tom, that is so sweet. I like this one the best. So, are we ready now?”
“Yes, we are. Let us get going. We don’t want to miss the party.”
* * *
The party was still alive and kickin at midnight. Everyone was dancing with someone. And, of course, Tom was dancing with B’Elanna.
“Ahh, these are the times I cherish Bella.”
“You have never told me before, why do you call me Bella?”
“Well”, Tom said hesitantly, thinking she would get upset at the reason, “Bella is Italian for beautiful.”
“Tom that is so sweet,” B’Elanna said starting to blush.
“Lanna, what time is it?”
“Uh, 0056, why do you ask”, B’Elanna said questioningly.
“Oh, no reason, just wondering.”
“Tom Paris, what are you up to?”
“What makes you think I am up to something?”
Just then Neelix stepped up with a microphone. “May I have your attention everyone? I have an announcement to make. I was told be someone to dedicate a certain song to a certain someone at this time so her goes. B’Elanna, this is for you from Tom with a simple message: Listen to the words,”
The song started and everyone cleared the dance floor for B’Elanna and Tom.
“Didn’t plan anything huh?”, B’Elanna said with her hands on her hips.
“Come on B’Elanna, just dance with me.”
They moved to the dance floor listening to the song that was playing.
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there’s no one else above you?
You fill my heart with gladness
Take away all the sadness
Ease my troubles, that’s what you do.
“Tom.”
“Yes, Lanna?”
“Why can’t you say it?”, B’Elanna said pulling away.
Tom, in a daze, didn’t quite grasp what she was talking about. “Say what?”
“You know, it.”
“Can’t we just enjoy the music and talk about this later?”
“I’d prefer we talked about it now,” B’Elanna said, now ignoring the music and waiting for an answer. “Do you love me, Tom?”
Tom was silent.
“Well, do you?” B’Elanna said getting scared at his silence.
Can we please just forget it and enjoy the rest of the night?” Tom pleaded.
“No, I will not just forget it Tom Paris,” B’Elanna said starting to get impatient. “I would like to know why you won’t say it to me!”
“B’Elanna calm down, please. People are starting.”
B’Elanna, completely having lost her cool, now explodes at him. “I don’t care who is staring, Paris! The whole damn ship can look for all I care! Do you think of me as just another conquest? Is that it! Is that all I am to you?! I want an answer. Stop avoiding the question and just answer it!!”
Tome, not being able to take her questions anymore, snapped. “Do you want to know why I don’t say it? Because I don’t know what love is! How do I know I am feeling something if I don’t know what it is?! I have never been loved in my life! Not by my family, none of the girls I was with did. The just saw me as a way to get on Starfleet’s good side. Maquis and Starfleet both see me as a traitor. You wanted your damn answer?! Well there it is in black and white. Do with it what you want!” And with that Tom left the holodeck not bothering to look back at anyone.
B’Elanna, not believing what she just heard, let a few stray tears fall down her cheek. Harry was by her side in an instant.
Harry wrapped her up in a hug. “Come on B’Elanna, let’s go have a talk.”
The next day at the briefing, everyone was uncommonly quiet and everyone knew why. Both Tom and B’Elanna looked dead to the world and weren’t even paying attention.
“Ok well that is it unless someone else has something to add.” When all she got was silence she said, “Dismissed.”
Everyone got up to leave, everyone, that is, except for two Lieutenants. Janeway cleared her throat to get there attention. When she had it, she spoke. “B’Elanna and Tom, I would like you to take the day off. Get some rest.”
They both objected in an instant, “But Cap-“
“No buts,” Captain Janeway spoke sternly. Then she reverted to her motherly tone. “You two are in no condition to work today. You couldn’t concentrate on a 5 minute briefing, let alone an 8 hour work day. No arguments, back to your quarters, both of you.”
“Yes Captain,” they both said looking at each other.
They both headed to their respective quarters.
B’Elanna spent the next hour cleaning and trying to think of a way to apologize to Tom.
What am I going to do? I am not one for apologizing, but I have to. This is my fault. If I would have pushed him….well all I can do is just go over there and just flat out say “I sorry.” It can’t be that hard. Ok here I go.
B’Elanna walked out the door and headed for Tom’s quarters.
When she got there she took a few deep breaths to help her relax and then rang the chime.
Tom answered right away.
By the look on his face, I don’t think he expected to see me. Here we go.
“Tom, I’m sor-“
“B’Elanna, I love you.”
