Disclaimer: Kathryn, Chakotay, Tom and Voyager belong to Paramount. The basic idea of the Mastermind sketch belongs to The Two Ronnies.
Author's Note: This fic was inspired by the Two Ronnies' Mastermind sketch, where the previous question is answered. I love that sketch, it's one of the best comedy pieces written, IMO, and so I thought I'd write a fic to it. Although, I think having written this, I'm giving them a bad name by using it in a not particularly wonderful fic! *g* Set some time after Workforce. Thanks to Coral for betaing. :) *huggles tight*

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"Captain! Can I talk to you about something for a moment?" Tom ran to catch up with her as the turbolift doors opened, and she stepped in.

"Sure Tom, fire away," she said, smiling at him, and then to the computer, "Bridge."

"Well, I was thinking. We haven't had much fun the last few months- what with being stuck in that Void, and then being taken into the Qarren workforce. I thought the crew could do with a bit of fun."

"And you have the perfect thing in mind."

Tom grinned at her, nodding. "I thought we could have a party. But as part of it, I have an idea that might give the crew a bit of amusement. There's the comedy sketch that I saw performed once…I thought we could do our own version of it."

"Sure Tom," she smiled. "Permission granted. Use whoever you need to get this all sorted out. Within moderation, of course."

"Uh, Captain, I was wondering, could you do the sketch please?"

"On my own? Tom, I'm a starship Captain, not an actress."

"I'll be in it too, Captain - it's a two man act. I just thought you'd be perfect."

"You're lucky you've caught me in a good mood Tom. I might not have agreed to do it if I was in a bad mood."

Tom's eyes widened, and a beam spread across his face. "Great! I'll tell you what you have to do. It's really simple, and we won't need to practice. It'll be more authentic if we don't practice, actually." The doors opened onto the Bridge, and they both stepped out.

"My Ready Room, Mr. Paris. You can explain all this to me in there."

"Yes Ma'am," he said, walking across the Bridge with a slight spring in his step.

***
Kathryn looked at her crew, all sitting around on chairs, eagerly awaiting the sketch which they'd all heard starred their Captain. They were using a Holodeck, and this programme was a large hall, with a stage at one end, and tables with food and drinks on at the other. On the stage were placed two black chairs, facing each other, ready for their sketch. She was terrified - their enjoyment of this evening probably depended on her! It was ridiculous - she could face the Borg, Hirogen, Species 8472, and yet she was scared to go out in front of her own crew and perform this.

"Captain," Tom came up behind her. "I think it's time to get started." She nodded, and they both walked onto the stage and took their chairs. She tried not to look at the many crewmen who were watching, and fixed her eyes on Tom. He gave her a reassuring smile, before beginning.

"Good evening, and welcome to Mastermind. Please state your name."

"Good evening."

"Am I correct in saying your chosen speciality is answering the previous question?"

"Kathryn Janeway." This was easy enough - nothing too complicated yet. Kathryn sighed inwardly. She'd been preparing herself for the worst evening of her life!

"Then we'll begin. In what year did Zefram Cochrane make the first warp flight?"

"Yes," she answered firmly.

"What is the homeworld of the Cardassians?"

"2063."

"What does the T. in James T. Kirk stand for?"

"Cardassia." Kathryn decided this wasn't quite so bad as she'd thought, but still remained sitting straight up in her chair - she wasn't quite sure enough to get comfortable yet.

"How many ships and lives were lost in the battle of Wolf 359?"

"Tiberius." Janeway relaxed a bit, trying not to smile. She had really expected something incredibly hard! This was just basic Federation history. She'd learnt a lot of this in school!

Tom saw her relax, and turned to his second set of questions, his eyes gleaming with the grin he daren't let spread across his face. "Well done, you have shown very good knowledge of the Federation, and its history. Now onto some events not related to the Federation, and perhaps slightly more personal." Janeway tensed up a bit as he said personal, but relaxed again as he continued. It wasn't the sort of personal she was thinking of. "What was the name of the Vidiian physician who the Doctor tried to help cure of the Phage?"

"39 ships and 11,000 lives."

As the crew all looked at the Doctor, who was coming as close to blushing as a Hologram could, Kathryn leaned over and whispered to Tom, "Hang on, I thought this was supposed to be a comedy sketch, there's nothing funny about
this. The answers don't sound rude together or anything!" Tom just managed to stop himself from smiling, before replying to her.

"Trust me Captain. Just let us finish it, and you'll see."

"Very well. But I have other things to do that I'm sure would be a much better use of my time." It was for the good of the crew - and she hadn't minded the questions so far.

"What is the name of your sister?" That was a bit easy wasn't it?

"Denara Pel."

"What is your daughter called?" Kathryn tried to pretend she didn't find this question strange, and answered him.

"Phoebe Janeway." A few snickers could be heard from the audience, and a slight murmur started in the room.

"Tom, this is ridiculous," she hissed at him. "I don't *have* a daughter."

"Come on Captain, the crew's loving it," he said, gesturing towards the audience.

"No, they're not," she retorted. "The only thing they're enjoying is watching their Captain look stupid!" Tom shook his head, and carried on, regaining the crew's attention.

"What's your First Officer's name?"

"I don't have one." Kathryn smiled slightly. A teeny weeny bit of humour, although it wasn't much! Although she dreaded to think what he'd have as the next question.

"Who is the father of your child?" She'd known something like this was happening. Disregarding the crew, who were watching eagerly, she whispered to Tom.

"Lieutenant Paris! I thought you wanted both those rank pips"

"Captain, everyone knows it's a joke! Just answer the question, and you'll get back to your coffee all the sooner."

"Chakotay."

Tom let out a breath he'd been holding when she answered. He'd been worried she'd refuse to answer. "What do you do with your bra when you go to bed?" The room filled with a combination of giggles and snickers from various crewmembers.

"Tom, I'm warning you!"

"Captain, it's a bit of harmless fun!"

She looked at him as if to say 'yeah right' before answering with, "I don't agree with any of that statement."

"It's good for morale Captain! Give them all a laugh!"

"But it's not funny Tom!" She gave him her famous death-glare, but he seemed to have become impervious to it.

"Trust me Captain, some of it is."

"You're going to pay for this, Ensign," she threatened him.

"Since I don't have a child, I don't have one."

"What do you do with Chakotay after you've eaten in those long evenings you spend together?" Tom was enjoying this, and it could be seen by the grin that was evident in his eyes.

"That's none of your business. It's a personal issue thank you very much."

"One more question like that and I'm walking off. This is getting stupid." She tried to keep her voice down, since they were on stage. Tom looked at her in mock sympathy.

"Okay, okay. It's nearly finished. Just a couple more questions."

"Please repeat this phrase after me 'I love him,' " he said, so that the audience could hear again.

"We talk." She knew him very well, and she knew he had a reason for that.

"If I know you as well as I think I do, Tom Paris," she said, lowering her voice, "you had better tread very carefully if you want your daughter to ever know her father."

"How do you feel about Chakotay?" he said, boldly, a small smile creeping across his face.

"I knew this was coming," she glared him, whilst trying to not let the crew notice. Who was she fooling! Everyone could see, and probably hear, the exchanges between the two. "That's one question I refuse to answer."

"Captain, please. Just give the crew a bit of fun. We've had a hard few months- we all need a bit of a break, and this is the best way to do it. No one will take you seriously." He gave her a pleading, puppy dog look, and gritting her teeth, she gave in.

"I love him." There were a few wolf whistles from somewhere in the audience, but Kathryn quickly stopped them with a few well-placed glares.

"Thank you, that's the end of this edition of Mastermind. Thank you for joining us Kathryn Janeway." Tom grinned at her wickedly, and she smiled back at him falsely.

"We're good friends," she said, remembering the last question rule lasted till the end.

"Goodnight, and enjoy the rest of your evening," he said, turning to the audience, and gesturing towards the tables of food at the back.

The two of them turned, and walked off stage, to much applause.

Once they were well out of the way, Kathryn turned to Tom. "Lieutenant Paris, that was hardly fitting behaviour for an officer of your level! I expected more from you, and I do not wish to be the laughing stock of the crew for the rest of the journey home. Now, you go out there and put a few things straight, understood?" Wisely, Tom nodded, and headed off to find his wife, and elicit some help in his task.

She slowly walked over to a chair and sat down. She felt humiliated, stupid. True, it was all supposed to be in fun, and the crew would probably see it that way, but Tom had taken it too far.

"Hey there." She looked up to see Chakotay standing in the doorway.

"Hi."

"You did great Kathryn. The crew loved it."

"Yeah, well, it was just taken a bit too far, wasn't it?" she said, smiling dejectedly.

"What was wrong with it Kathryn?"

"Tom over stepped quite a few boundaries there…I mean, trying to get me to say things about my personal life in front of the crew! And he made me say I loved you in front of all of them!"

"Why should there be a problem with that Kathryn? It's true Kathryn, so why not say it?" he said, smiling at her, and she smiled back. "That is, unless you've just been using me, to get what I'm not sure, but that doesn't matter." She laughed, smiling widely now.

"I guess," she said, "I'm just not ready to let the crew know some things about me yet. I wanted to keep it to ourselves for a while longer. When Tom said that question, I thought I might say it in a way that hinted at something" She sighed, and looked back at the floor.

"Hey, come here." He helped her to her feet, and pulled her into a hug. After a few moments, she lifted her head off his chest, and reached up to kiss him. They only broke away when a whistle was heard. Kathryn looked up, only to see that the scenery had changed to a beach, the extra part of the programme which Kathryn had completely forgotten about.

"Err…" she looked to Chakotay for help, and he shrugged, before leaning down to kiss her again.

"I think Tom's the mastermind Kathryn. He certainly got some of those questions right!"

***Fin***