Sweet miracle, to see how the largest burdens are carried by the smallest children.
Ardith James
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Captain's Assistant's Log, Naomi Wildman
Stupid report. Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay have given me a choice of two topics this week. The first, 'I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus'. Since it isn't anywhere near Christmas, and even if he does exist Santa probably doesn't visit the Delta Quadrant after all (I saw Neelix sneak one of my presents in last year, and Uncle Tom right after him), I don't think I can do that one. Besides, my mother doesn't kiss Santa. She doesn't kiss anyone, except...
The second topic is to tell my story about the Quarren planet.
I liked it. No, really. It was pretty, and green, and I never had to worry about shorting a panel out or running down a Starfleet passageway. They even let me stay with my mom, even after the bad things they did to her memory. They left me alone, which might be worse, since I remembered everything and no one would believe me when I said we were from space, and Voyager. They told my mother that I was an 'active-minded child', whatever that means, and that I'd stop telling the stories when I got older and realized they were lies. She believed them , they made her, and once, but only once, she even screamed at me for being 'uncontrollable' and 'distracting'.
No one would listen to me. Until Tuvok. He didn't know who we were, you know, his treatments hadn't stopped working right yet, and when he first saw us, he didn't remember anything. It was at the bar, lounge, whatever place. Kids didn't really belong, but Tom Paris snuck me in, said he had a 'weakness' for me. Bet he didn't know why.
Anyhow, Tuvok was telling jokes to a bunch of men, the Captain's friend's friends, I guess. They didn't think he was very funny, but my mother did. I tried to tell her that Tuvok looked sick and never, ever told jokes, but she didn't believe me. It's a pain knowing more than your own parent. He talked to Mom for a long time after the other people left, and then walked us home, and called me' 'Miss Wildman' but with a smile so I knew I wasn't at all in trouble, even if Tuvok smiling is pretty scary in itself. And then Mom said it was time to go to bed, which I really hated, but Tuvok offered to tuck me in, just like he said he used to do his own children, and he looked really sad for a minute, and I asked him to tell me a Vulcan bedtime story, if it hadn't been so long he'd forgotten. He got upset then, like he was remembering that Vulcans shouldn't have emotions, but tried to hide it, and said he'd tell me a better one, a human lullaby, that one of his greatest friends had told him long ago, and he said her name was Kathryn Janeway. I tried to tell him who she was, but he wouldn't listen either, and Mom interrupted, telling him she had spoken to a Kathryn Janeway at the power distribution facility, and maybe it was his friend, and he looked startled and very, very pleased. They forgot all about the bedtime story then, and kissed me quickly and left, talking all the way to the hallway.
He came back the next day, and every day after that for several days, and took Mom to adult places and me to kids places. Lieutenant Torres watched me one night, even though she didn't remember me (I think Uncle Tom was introducing her to all the parents and kids he knew), and she fell asleep on the sofa, holding her stomach and looking sad, but I didn't go anywhere (who wants to get lost on a planet?). Tuvok and Mom came back later, and thought B'Elanna and I were asleep together on the sofa, and she was, but I wasn't, and he touched her sides and she wrapped her arms around his neck and they kissed, I mean really kissed, like Uncle Tom and B'Elanna always do.
And then I got up and tried to tell him he shouldn't kiss my Mom like that because he wasn't my father and 'Tuvok, but you're married.', and that got his attention, all right, but not like I wanted. He told me that Mom was lonely and that his wife had died years ago, and it was time for him to move on, and besides, how did I know about her? I think he was beginning to remember, and I probably scared him by knowing stuff too, and he wanted to ask me more, but B'Elanna woke up and was really embarrassed because she had fallen asleep 'on duty' and he said she looked tired and offered to see her home and they left. He looked really distracted every time I saw him after that, and he never kissed my mother again. I wonder if I made him stop, and that's sad, because they were really happy.
Tuvok came to our place several more times before we came back to Voyager, but the last was different, and he stood at the doorway looking all stiff and I knew he remembered who he was then, because when Mom reached up to hug him he almost grimaced but didn't, and looked sad, and gently pushed her back, and told her formally 'Samantha, I must speak to your daughter alone.' She let me go, looking really puzzled, and he walked me down to a sweet shop, and sat very precisely and grimly while I ate, and told me that he 'regretted not heeding my earlier claims' and that I 'must remain with my mother at all costs' until he could get us back to Voyager, and he told me that was an order. He took me home, and didn't stay long, which hurt Mom, but I understood, because it was very, very hard for him, and I know he really loved her, at least a little, but he wasn't free to show it anymore, was he?
The next day Mom sat me down and told me that she had heard that Tuvok was really, really sick and in the hospital and we might never see him again, and she cried, and I wanted to help, but I'm just a kid, and even if I can help sometimes on Voyager, I didn't know what to do on Quarra, except wait. And I did, and pretended that I was sick so that Mom wouldn't go to work for several days, and Seven and the Captain and the Commander and Harry and Neelix rescued us, and we went home, but its kind of sad. I really miss Quarra, it was very pretty, and Mom wasn't lonely, and Tuvok smiled. I had an almost real family. Nuclear, Seven says, not the atomic kind though. Mom says its all right, even natural, to wish for perfect happiness, but also to remember what I would have had to leave behind...Voyager, and the crew, and my job as Captain's Assistant. Nobody would have a chance to get back to the Alpha Quadrant, or we wouldn't ever see my real father again, and Tuvok's family would miss him deeply, and Uncle Tom might never have known his daughter was his daughter, even if he and Lieutenant Torres were really close. I guess she's right, even if Tuvok doesn't smile anymore and Mom is a little more lonely than ever, and the Captain looks really tired and beat down. I just wish I'd heard that bedtime story, so I could share it with her since she taught it to Tuvok, but I guess even Voyagers can't have everything.
End Log
Captain's Assistant, Naomi Wildman
