After the Affair
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters; I just borrow them for fun.
Summary: Kathryn and Tom deal with the after-effects of their extramarital love affair. Warning: Some darkness and character death involved.
NOTE: This may have R-rated undertones, but it doesn't cross the line. ( I don't think! lol) Also, for P/T-ers---you may not want to read this one. I have to confess that I never liked B'Elanna and Tom and so this is my way of saying so. <G>
Tracy (enchantedmoons)

Sandrine's was empty. Well, nearly. Sandrine herself had fallen asleep in one of the booths, tired as only a hologram can be. The rest of the room lay silent like a tomb; dark, empty of noise and light, somber. It matched Kathryn's mood perfectly.

Moving her hand to the flute on the table, she picked it up and drained the last of the champagne. There was a second bottle on the table however, and she found that she could not resist the temptation to open it and pour. The light liquid bubbled in her mouth, her veins, wending its way to her stomach, filling up the empty, aching space inside of her. Killing the images that fixed themselves so firmly in her brain only hours before.

B'Elanna's face caught and held a place in her mind's eye. The anger and hurt flaming in her eyes, the upthrust, definiant chin, the clenched fists, ready to pound Kathryn's face into mush. She'd never seen B'Elanna so enraged. But then, she'd never slept with B'Elanna's husband before.

Shame flushed her pale Irish cheeks as she recalled the last time she made love with Tom. It had been intensely beautiful, meltingly delicious, and mind-scramblingly good. The heat between them had been palpable for years, but it was Tom who finally crossed the line in the sand....it was Tom who made the first not-so-tentative overture.

She closed her eyes, remembering....it had been only three weeks ago when Tom came to her ready room, looking ready to kill. "Tom. What brings you by so late?"

His blue eyes had flickered with vague annoyance, and with something else...something not quite discernable. "I had to come. I had no choice."

Instantly, Kathryn had straightened in her chair and lay her chin on her upturned hand. "What is it? Has something happened?"

"No. But something's going to." He walked toward her desk, came behind it, and stood above her, staring down intently, his breathing erratic.

"Tom...I don't understand..."

"Neither do I, Captain. All I know is I have to be here. Now. With you."

He grabbed her gently, pulling her up out of her chair, and then took her in his arms. Stunned, she tried to pull away, but before she could, his mouth had found hers and they were kissing passionately.

"What in the name of hell is going on?" she asked when she was finally able to pull away.

"I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. I can't pretend that I'm happily married when there's nothing left between me and B'Elanna but what used to pass for love. It was never love, Kathryn. Never. It was friendship, it was sex. Hell, it was the only family I had. But I don't love her, damn it."

Kathryn had pulled away and straighted her hair, then looked into the innocent boyish face, wondering what on earth to say.

"Tom, I am sorry that you aren't happy in your marriage. But why did you come here? What does that have to do with me?"
"For God's sake, Captain, you don't get it do you?"

Angrily he paced the floor, wiping a trail from his cheeks, whether of sweat or tears she couldn't be sure. "B'Elanna is...oh shit." The words barely escaped when Tom fell into a chair, as though punched by an invisible force. His head fell into his hands and he began to sob. Heart-wrenching, throbbing sobs that shook him from shoulder to shoulder.

Kathryn went to him, sat down beside him and wrapped an arm around his back. "Tom. My Gods, what is the matter? What has happened? You can tell me anything, you know that."

When he could finally talk, he wiped his face and looked into her hazel eyes, hanging onto them as though for dear life. "It's B'Elanna-she's pregnant."

"Oh my."

"Yeah, you can say that again. Here we are, miserable, fighting every G-damned day, and she turns up pregnant."

A wry grin crossed the Captain's face. "Well she didn't exactly get that way by herself, did she, Mr. Paris?"

"I know, I know. All we had left was sex, though. And rather than admit that it was over, we just kept trying to patch things up in the bedroom. Hell, it never worked. We would just start hating each other again five minutes after we got dressed. Why did this have to happen? Why now? We were always so careful."

"I don't know, Tom. But I'm sorry you aren't happy about the baby. I don't know how I would feel in your position, so I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. But I will say this-----it's no longer the 20th century. You and B'Elanna have choices. You don't have to stay married. And if you do split, then at least you'll both be on the same ship and you can both have a relationship with your child."

He looked at her and sighed softly. "I guess you're right. But there is one problem with that. B'Elanna may love to deny her Klingon heritage, but deep down it's what guides her. It's what she respects and believes in. And for Klingons, taking the oath is one of the most sacred things you can do. I don't think she would ever give me a divorce, baby or no baby."

"That could be a problem. But why not talk to her? I'm sure if she's cooled down she'll be able to hear what you have to say and she might even agree. Who knows? But you need to give it a try, Tom. For your sake as well as the baby's."

He thought for a long moment, then rubbed his eyes, willing away another round of tears. "I know you're right, Captain. But, there is something else..."

Kathryn patted his back and gave another wide, wry grin. "Something besides ending your marriage and becoming a father? I'd say that's plenty for one night, wouldn't you?"

Tom gave her a weak smile, then reached out and clasped her hands. "Captain...there is one more part of this equation. One that you know nothing about."

"I'm listening, Lt."

"I think I'm in love with someone else. Someone I could never have. I can't get her out of my mind. The times I have made love with B'Elanna I've imagined that this other woman is my partner, and whenever I run into her I want to grab her and kiss her because I've never felt anything like this in my life."

"Well....you are certainly full of surprises, Tom. Tell me, who is the lucky woman?"

He inhaled, blew out a breath and closed his eyes. Then, leaning close, he touched Kathryn's face and locked eyes with her. "It's you. Captain."

Her heart had fallen out of her chest and onto the floor where it lay pounding with suprise and fear. "No, Tom. Oh God. You aren't telling me..."

"Yes, I am. I love you Kathryn. I always have. And dammit, I'm tired of trying to force those same feelings for my wife. They just aren't there. It's always been you. I just never told you because you're my Captain. It was totally improper and I knew it. But ever since you came to claim me and bring me into your crew, I've been crazy about
you."

Time seemed to have stopped as she felt the impact of his words and tried to divine what her own feelings were in response. He looked so handsome and so hurt. Every instinct she had told her not to touch him, yet her hands reached to cup his face as though she were his mother and he, a small child. His mouth drew her closer, and rather
than holding and comforting him, she found herself covering it with hers, kissing him in a far from Motherly fashion.

He responded, and soon they were entwined on the couch in her ready room, naked save for their shoes and jewelry. They made love with the intensity of a storm; gathering very slowly until they were exploding with the sheer force of their emotions.

When it was over, Tom lay back, holding her tightly against his chest. "I'm sorry, Captain. I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have come here."

"Shhh....I know."

"This shouldn't have happened. God, I'm sorry. I didn't come here looking for this."

"I know that, Tom. Obviously, I wasn't expecting it either."

"Why...why did you let me make love to you?"

It was her turn to sigh as she closed her eyes and lay a hand on her forehead. "Gods, I don't know. Well, let me take that back. I DO know. I honestly wanted to comfort you, Tom. But what you don't know is that I've always harbored an attraction for you. I knew that as long as you were my officer I could never act on it. Then when you got married, that seemed to seal things. Still, I won't deny that I've never stopped finding you attractive. Never stopped...wanting
you."

They looked at each other and the current between them pulled them into another kiss. "Captain..."

"I think it's safe to call me Kathryn now, Tom," she murmured softly.

"Kathryn, I don't want this to be a one-time thing. Can I...can we....oh shit. What I'm trying to say is that I want you. And not just for tonight. I don't know what will happen with my marriage, but either way, I'm not going to live in a loveless relationship for the rest of my life."

"Tom, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that what we're doing isn't right. Still, I'm not sure I want it to end either. Can you give me some time? I need to think this through."

"Of course. And Kathryn?"

"Yes?"

"Thank-you. For everything."


His words burned in her mind as she snapped suddenly back to reality. The second bottle of champagne was gone and she was pleasantly inebriated. Her comm badge beeped and she slapped it mechanically, willing her mind to stay in the presnent. "Janeway here."

"Captain, I have some news. I'd like for you to come to the infirmary."

She rolled her eyes and stood, shaking off the memories and the synthehol. "What is it, Doctor?"

"Just get down here as soon as you can, alright?"

She moved quickly down the corridors and into the turbolift, exiting swiftly. Pushing the sickbay doors open, she walked oveer to the doctor and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Doctor. What's going on? Has something happened?"

He frowned. "I'm afraid so. Ms. Torres...well, I'm afraid she is no longer with us."

A fevered chill shot up Kathryn's spine. "What?"

"B'Elanna. I'm afraid she's dead."

"Oh, my God. Why? What happened? Is the baby...?"

He shook his head. "The baby's fine, Captain. In fact, she is with her father as we speak. However, her other....well there's no easy way to say this. She took her own life."

Kathryn's cheeks paled to white chalk, her legs shook and fell from beneath her and she found herself lying on the cold floor mintues later. The EMH was administering smelling salts in the form of a hypospray and the room stopped spinning long enough for her to ask, "Why?"

The doctor got her to her feet and onto a biobed, then rummaged in a stack of PADDS behind him. "I think this may explain."

Puzzled, Kathryn took it and flicked it on, seeing a message for her eyes only. It was from B'Elanna. Too sick to breathe, she somehow found the strength to force her eyes on the words.

"Captain, if you're reading this then I'm already dead. I want you to know that I don't blame you for what happened with you and Tom. I know that we were never right for each other and that we'd never be happy. But then I got pregnant, and didn't know what to do. I've spent so much time hating you, but the truth is, I hate myself because I can never give Tom what you've given him. And he will never feel about me the way he feels about you. I've decided to have the Doctor take the baby, and then I'm going to send myself to Stovokor. In my family, in my own beliefs, there isn't much room for failure. I can't end my marriage but I can't stay in it either. I'm in limbo, and it's not a good place to be. Besides, I grew up with parents who were unhappy---I'm not putting my baby through that. Instead, I want you and Tom to raise her---together. I hope you can forgive me and I hope that you know how much you've meant to me over the years. Forget the anger and remember the love, okay?"

Rivulets of tears flew down the Captain's face as she read B'Elanna's words. Guilt was a hard, fast knot in her stomach, tearing her heart and her soul to pieces. When she looked up at the Doctor, he moved to pat her shoulder and take the PADD away, then he motioned for her to follow him. In the other room, Tom Paris sat in a chair cradling a tiny newborn baby girl. He was smiling, kissing her face, falling in love with her. Kathryn moved to them and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Tom....I am so sorry."

He looked up at her, his face red from crying. "Me too, Kathryn. Me too."

"I don't know what to say. I can't believe she's gone."

"Neither can I. I'm just so glad that she didn't take this little one with her."

"Me too."

Sliding over, he made room for her and the three of them sat together, lost in memories of B'Elanna. And, the resounding throb of guilt and love that was inevitable whenver they were together.

"Did you read B'Elanna's message?"

"Yes. Did she leave one for you?"

"Yup. Probably the same one."

His eyes held hers for a moment, and then he silently handed the baby to her. "What do you say, Kathryn?"

His meaning was obvious. She hesitated only a moment, swallowing over a knot of grief, and then looked at the tiny face of Tom's daughter. "I say, let's make B'Elanna proud, Tom."