Lost and Found
J/C
PG
Tracy
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters. :)
Note: I haven't written Voyager fic in ages and thought it was time
to get my feet wet again. Thanks for reading!

The crew stared at the oblong tube, watching it take a final journey
into the depths of the Gamma quadrant. Janeway's eulogy had sent
them all into spasms of tears, and now each member sought comfort
from the other, bodies melding in solid, reassuring hugs. They were
devastated.

Chakotay, the very warmth of Voyager, was gone. His smile would no
longer light up the mess hall in the morning, his kindness would no
longer comfort his fellow crew mates, and his love....well, his love
would now never be known to the woman who'd held it.
Looking up into the sky through the viewscreen, Kathryn steadied
herself against a bulkhead and tried to catch a deep enough breath
to sustain her. The pain was beyond imagining-beyond anything she'd
felt since her father died. With Chakotay's death it hadn't been
simply the loss of human life, it had been the loss of all of the
hopes and dreams that came with it. Hopes of sharing her feelings
with her First Officer, hopes of having them returned. Hopes of
maybe one day sharing his name and bearing his children.

Hopes. They were as dead as the man they'd jettisoned into space.
Stifling a sob, she covered her face with her hands and held her
breath, hoping to stave off the inevitable until the crew had filed
out of the cargo bay. But then she felt a hand on her shoulder, and
without knowing or caring who had touched her, she fell completely
to pieces.

Two days later, Kathryn ventured into Chakotay's quarters, daring
herself to clean them out, to sort through the belongings of a
lifetime. A lifetime that was now over. When she stepped through
the door and saw his collection of carved animal statues, she nearly
fell to her knees. All around her were reminders of the man he was,
the things he loved. How in the name of all the Gods was she going
to manage this?

Steeling herself, she forced the pain into a tiny spot in the back
of her mind and moved about the cabin with purpose, hoping to get
this over with as soon as possible. Boxes were filled, clothing was
tossed into the replicator waste can, reports were sent to her
office for future perusal. It took hours, but near the end, when
she was worn out and empty of feeling, one tiny trinket lay on the
floor awaiting her notice.

Picking it up, she ran her fingers over it gently, and smiled. It
was a holodeck program. How Chakotay had loved the holodeck! Her
heart turned over painfully, realizing that he would never use it
again. He would never be here with her again. It still seemed
unimaginable.

Shaking her head she hit her badge and called for Tom to come to
Chakotay's quarters and pick up the boxes, then she moved down the
corridor slowly, moving the small chip in her hand over and over
again. What program had it been? None of the crew kept programs in
their rooms as a rule--there was no reason to---none of them had a
personal holodeck. On the other hand, if a program was personal, it
made sense to want to keep it in your private quarters.
Curiosity finally got the better of her, and she found herself
standing outside the holodeck with a pounding heart and shaking
hands. She longed to see him one last time, and if he were in this
program, she would get her wish. But at what price?? Already the
grief was turning her stomach to acid. Already the nights had
become sleepless. And worst of all, depression was starting to set
in, making it nearly impossible to get out of bed, let alone captain
a starship. Seeing him this way might just be her undoing.
Yet, she couldn't resist. Popping in the chip she called for the
doors to open and for the computer to begin to play the program.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and moved forward,
wondering what she would see when she opened them again.
To her surprise, it was a jungle. A very familiar one. A tiny,
chattering monkey squealed as it swung through a nearby tree, and
Kathryn felt warm tears hit her cheeks. Gods, it was New Earth.
He'd remembered.

Taking a few tentative steps forward, she saw a replication of the
small quarters they had shared, as well as the bathtub he'd built
for her. A tiny garden struggled to grow behind the hut, and her
fingers remembered planting those little flowers and vegetables as
though it were yesterday.

She explored for what felt like hours, recalling every moment of
their time there together, wishing not for the first time that
they'd had the courage to give into their feelings when they had the
chance. Standing alone in the sunlight, in their special place, was
too much. She burst into tears again, and fell to the ground
weeping inconsolably.

"Kathryn? Why are you crying?"

The voice startled her, shaking her out of her sobs and forcing her
to sit up. "Chakotay? Is it really you?"

He stepped out from behind a tree and smiled at her. "Why don't you
tell me?" He grinned at her, the same teasing grin he always gave
her, and her heart lurched painfully.

"I...Oh Gods...I don't know what to say."

He moved closer and took her hands, pulling her to her feet.

"You don't have to say anything. You and I have never needed words,
Kathryn. And now, well, we have even less need of them."
Her brow raised. "You mean you know?"

"That the real Chakotay is dead? Yes, I know, Kathryn, and I am
very sorry to hear it."

"This must be as strange for you as it is for me. I mean, here you
are, I can see you, touch you, talk to you, but you're nothing more
than moonbeams and shadows, really. The man I love is gone and
seeing you is only making it more painful."

He came even closer, touching her face with his hands. "I'm sorry.
I never meant to hurt you."

She looked up into his dark eyes and for that moment, he was so real
to her that the idea of his death seemed like a hoax, an impossible
joke that could not possibly have happened.

"Oh God Chakotay. I loved him, you know that? And I never got to
tell him. I was so stupid, so stubborn. I just knew that we had all
the time in the world and that there was no hurry...how could I have
been so wrong?"

The hologram took her into his arms and she held on tightly,
memorizing everything about him. It felt so wonderful that she never
wanted it to end. And with holo-Chakotay's next words, she realized
it didn't have to.

"Kathryn....he knew you loved him. And he loved you in return,
never doubt that. You have nothing to regret or feel guilty for.
All of these years, you've been trying to do the right thing, the
responsible thing, the moral thing. That's what makes you so
special. I love you Kathryn. And I always will."

Her eyes filled with more tears and she tried to smile. "Thank-you.
It's not quite the same as having him here telling me those things,
but it's close enough. And, it's as close as I'm going to get. I
appreciate this so much."

His eyes warmed again and his smile grew wide. "You don't know, do
you, my love?"

"Know what?"

He sighed softly and took her hands in his, then he led her to the
little hut they had once shared and sat her down at the very table
where they had once sat together in life. Staring into her eyes,
holding her hands tightly, he murmured, "Can't you feel it?"
Her body shook at his words, cold chills spilling down her back and
into her shoes. "Feel what?"

"Look at me, Kathryn. Listen to the way I speak. Do I look and
sound like just a hologram? Do you believe that someone programed
me so perfectly that I would know when your Chakotay died? That I
would respond to you spontaneously, just as a real person?"
Her eyes searched his, and a wild shaft of hope piereced her heart.

"Chakotay? God, it is really you?"
"Yes, it is."
"But, I don't understand! How is this possible?"

"I knew that there was little chance of my coming home from this
away mission. It was probably the most dangerous one I've taken
since joining this crew. So, I spoke to the Doctor and had him
speak with Dr. Zimmerman. Together, they found a way to take my
mind and my spirit and put them into holographic flesh. I'm still
alive, Kathryn! My real body is gone, but I'm still here. I'm real
and I haven't gone anywhere. Heck, now that I'm on the holodeck, I
guess I can't." At that he laughed, and she found herself laughing
with him.

"I just can't believe this! You have no idea how much we've grieved
for you. And how much..." she broke off, blushing.

"How much you love me? It's alright Kathryn, you've already told me.
You just didn't realize you were sending the message directly to the
source."

Her eyes lit up and met his, and they chuckled together.

"There are so many things I want to say. So many questions. God,
Chakotay, where do we begin?"

Moving from his seat across from her, he stood and came around to
stand behind her. He pulled her to her feet, turned her towards him,
and whispered, "How about right here, right now, like this..."

His mouth covered hers and the kiss was an endless, rolling ocean of
feeling and need. The pain in Kathryn's heart dissolved even as the
magnitude of what Chakotay had done hit her. It was unbelieveable.
But it was true. He was here, he was in her arms, and he was still
alive. It was a miracle.

When at last they came up for air, he murmured, "So, can I get one
of those holo-emitters that the Doc has? You know, so I can move
around the ship? It gets lonely here all by myself."

She grinned at the little-boy sound in his voice. "I'll see what I
can do."

"Great. Now, what do you say we christen that bathtub?"

"You go on, love, I'll be right behind you."

She watched him move away and felt the many emotions of the past two
days flow through her and then whirl away into nothingness. She had
her second chance, and this time, she wasn't about to blow it.
Tossing off her clothes she ran through the trees and jumped into a
blazing hot tub of water, soaking them both in an instant.
They curled in one another's arms, and she touched his face with her
hands. "I've always loved you, you know. I'm sorry that it took
losing you to finally bring me to my senses."

"Shh...no regrets, love. Besides, you haven't lost me, have you?"
No, she hadn't. In fact, to the contrary, she had found him.
Finally.