WEB GRAFFITI ZINE
FUNNY NEWSPAPER HEADLINES 1
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
HEADLINE SLIPS OF THE TONGUE

    Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
    Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
    Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

    House passes gas tax onto senate
    Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
    Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

    William Kelly was fed secretary
    Milk drinkers are turning to powder
    Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

    Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
    Farmer bill dies in house
    Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

    Queen Mary having bottom scraped
    Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
    Prostitutes appeal to Pope

    Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
    NJ judge to rule on nude beach
    Child's stool great for use in garden

    Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
    Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
    Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines

    Eye drops off shelf
    Squad helps dog bite victim
    Dealers will hear car talk at noon

    Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
    Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
    Miners refuse to work after death

    Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
    Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

    Never withhold herpes from loved one
    Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

    Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
    Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

    If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
    War dims hope for peace
    Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

    Cold wave linked to temperatures
    Child's death ruins couple's holiday
    Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

    Man is fatally slain
    Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
    Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Bible church's focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: Chicago Tribune

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: Schenectady
Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author
Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, NY Democrat & Chronicle


                       Man shoots himself in foot 3 times cleaning guns
                       Toy gun scares robber using toy gun
                       Man guilty in lawn mower DUI case

                       Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
                       3-year Old Teacher Needed For Pre-School. Experience Preferred
                       Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jay Walkers

                       Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
                       Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

                       Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
                       Miners Refuse To Work After Death


                              Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
                              Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
                              British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

                              Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
                              Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
                              Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

                              Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
                              New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
                              Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

                              Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
                              Air Head Fired
                              Steals Clock, Faces Time

                              Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
                              Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
                              Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Ref: Aha Jokes
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